Young Writers Society

Chapter 6:

“Come on, he’s up here!” Grif led Simmons up to the spot where D was shot by the tank. They found D laying motionless on the ground. “D, can you hear me? Talk to me!”

“Grif… is that you…?” His breath came out in painful wheezes.

“Yes, I’m here. It‘s going to be okay, man.”

“No… I’m… I’m not going to make it…” He coughed painfully before saying, “Grif, there’s… something I need to tell you…”

“What is it?” Grif asked.

“I just want you to know… I always hated you… I always hated you the most…”

“Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die you prick.”

D let out one final gasp before his body went completely limp. Simmons turned to Grif and said, “Wow, first the jeep blows up and now D’s dead. Serge is going to kill you once he gets back.”

“Whatever, man. I’m going back to base.”

“But what about the rookie? He’s still in the tank fighting those guys in black armour,” Simmons said.

“I don’t care, I’m going to take a nap. If Serge is going to kill me I’d rather make the most out of the time I have left in this world.” Grif made his way back to the base, leaving Simmons alone. Simmons shook his head and went to help Caboose.

Simmons found Caboose further in the canyon. The enemies were hiding behind the busted up jeep, which was wedged behind a rock. Instead of firing at the enemies, Caboose kept firing at the jeep.

“Hey rookie, why do you keep firing at the jeep?” Simmons asked, having to raise his voice to be heard over the tank’s constant shooting.

“Because it’s locked on!”

“Target locked.”

“Well unlock it,” Simmons said.

“Last time I unlocked it, I killed D!”

“Oh, right… keep shooting the jeep then.”


“I hate to be the one to point this out,” Hank said, “But I think we’re screwed.”

Axel let out an angry sigh. “Shut up and start thinking of a way we can get out of here that doesn’t involve brutal mutilation!”

“Hey, look!” Hank pointed to something on the ground. “It’s a rocket launcher!”

“A what?” Axel turned to see Hank picking up the large weapon. “Holy sh*t, you’re right! Why would the enemy leave a rocket launcher lying around?”

“Oh, here’s why.” Hank pointed to a device on the targeting unit of the rocket launcher. “The targeting system is busted.”

“It’s not like were shooting at a moving target,” Axel said, “blow up that goddamn tank!”

“But it’s our tank!” Hank said. “If we blow it up the boss is going to kill us!”

Another tank shell pounded against the rock they were hiding behind. “And were not going to die right now?”

“Good point.” Hank went around the rock and pointed the rocket launcher at the tank.


“Uh… Caboose? You might want to get out of the tank, like right now.” Simmons started backing away from the tank.

Caboose started pushing random buttons. “I can’t figure out how to get this thing open!”

“Night vision engaged.”

Hank yelled at the top of his lungs. “Hey, dumbasses! Let’s see how you like being shot at!”

“Rookie, get out now!” Simmons shouted.

Caboose began to panic. “Okay, okay, open the door, Sheila will you please open the door?” The enemy fired the rocket.

“Driver canopy open.” Caboose scrambled out of the tank as soon as the hatch was open. “Thank you for using the N808V Battle Ta-”

*Kaboom!*

Caboose was running for his life as the tank flipped over from the blast. “Oh carp! Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap! Running! Running! Running!” When he was beside Simmons he said, “Man, that was close!”

“Yeah, but look at the tank though,” Simmons said, pointing at the smoking upside-down tank.

“I’m scared, Dave. Will I dream? Daaavyyy… Daaaaavvvyyyyyyy…”

Caboose screamed, “Sheeeeilaaa! Noooo!”

“Wait,” Simmons turned to Caboose. “Who’s Sheila?”

“Sheila was the lady in the tank.” Caboose sounded like he was on the verge of tears. “She was my friend.”

“Wait, you can pick up chicks in a tank?”

That was... unexpected. In a good way though. I think killing off D made the story a little more realistic. But even in a comedy, the reader needs to be able to feel sad for the deceased and they can't manage that if the other characters don't care. Have at least one of them upset over it.

And I think the piece needs to be extended - the action is getting too fast. You need to spend longer on each section. Add some description, show more characterization. Like in your first chapter. Show the relationships between them and develop those.

“Oh carp! Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!

I know you said you wasn't bothered about grammar but... typo.

I think the humour is still good but the plot is moving so fast that the reader doesn't have time to digest each joke anymore before something else happens. I think finding the rocket launcher was just a little too random - if it was in the jeep, why did it not blow up when the jeep was hit? And if not, why was it lying around behind some rocks? There's random and there's absurdly random. I think that crosses the boundary.

I'd like to see Simmon's motives for helping Caboose. He's a 'kiss arse' and seems the type who would go running for Serge at the first signs of trouble. Is it maybe because he thinks Serge would be displeased if Caboose got killed? Or is he genuinely quite a nice guy? Is Simmons the type to follow any authorative voice or is it just Serge he obeys rigorously?

Hope this helps,

Heather xx