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Outpost 101 - Chapter 4



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Mon Mar 10, 2008 2:34 pm
Dynamo says...



Chapter 4


Axel and Hank hid behind a nearby rock to use as cover while they reloaded their weapons. The spray of bullets from the silver guy’s gun never let up. “Man, does this guy ever run out of bullets?” Hank asked. “I’m already down to my last clip.”

“He’s got to run out soon,” Axel said. “He’s been shooting at us for a while now.”

The spray of bullets stopped. “Hey, maybe he’s out now,” Hank suggested.

“Maybe you’re right, go check.”

“Me? Why don’t you check?”

“Because I’m allergic to bullets, now go!”

Hank sighed and slowly looked around the rock. Another stream of bullets began to pound into the rock. “Nope, he’s still got some ammo.”

Axel shook his head. “At this rate his comrades will show up before we have time to take him out.”

“Hey, if we take him back to the boss as a prisoner, do you think he’ll give us a raise?” Hank asked.

Axel thought about that. “You know, that might not be such a bad idea. Wait here,” he said before turning on his suit’s invisibility unit.


Meanwhile, back at the base…

Lopez was working on the warthog’s engine when Grif and Simmons approached.

“Sorry, Lopez, we need the jeep,” Grif said as he climbed into the driver’s seat.

Simmons climbed into the back. “I’ll take gunner.” Once he had a good grip on the machine gun he said, “Let’s roll!”

Grif turned on the ignition. When the jeep was running the radio started playing a Mexican fiesta tune. As they drove off Simmons yelled, “Don’t worry, Lopez! We’ll bring her back in one piece!”

“How do you turn off the f**king radio with this car?” Grif asked.


Hank shouted to be heard over D’s gun. “Hey, silver guy! Let’s negotiate!”

D let go of the trigger for a moment. “Negotiate what?” he yelled back.

“Your surrender!”

“Screw that! I’m winning!”

“But you’re outnumbered!”

“There’s only two of you!” D yelled. He realized something at that moment. “Hey, where’s your friend?”

D heard the sound of a gun reloading behind him. “Right here.” When he looked over his shoulder he saw the other black guy pointing a gun at his head. “Drop your weapon.”

“Ah, crap.”


Elsewhere…

Now that you’ve mastered driving the N808V, let’s move onto some of the safety features.

“No! No! Wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?”


“Alright,” Axel said, “what are you doing in this canyon?”

“Me? What are you guys doing here?” D asked.

“Hey, I’m the one asking the questions here!”

“Hey, ask him if he’s got a jeep back at his post,” Hank said as he made his way down the hill.

“Why would we need a jeep when we’ve got a tank?”

“You can’t pick up chicks in a tank,” Hank said.

“What chicks? We’re on an distant planet hundreds of light-years away from Earth. Apart from this guy,” Axel motioned to D, “We’re the only ones out here!”

D heard music in the distance. “Hey, do you hear that?”

“Quiet, prisoner!” Axel said.

“But, that’s what I’m saying! This guy might have others with him at whatever post he’s stationed at. Some of them could be chicks!”

“Yeah? Suppose that was true, we’d have to kill them before we can date them,” Axel said.

“Hey, that’s fine with me,” Hank said. “I’ve been in this canyon for way too long.”

“That’s sick, man!” The music continued to get louder until it got to the point where it couldn’t be ignored anymore. “For God’s sake, what is that music!?”

The warthog drove over the hill and began shooting at the two black armoured soldiers.

“Son of a b**ch!”
“Holy sh*t!”

The two enemy soldiers ran back the way they came. As they ran from the constant spray of bullets Axel screamed, “JESUS, RUN!!!”

Grif jumped out of the driver seat and approached D. “What the hell is going on here?”

“You know what?” D said, “I have absolutely no idea what‘s going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.”

“Well, just find someplace safe to hide. Simmons and I will take care of this.”

“Have fun,” D said as he ran off to hide behind a nearby rock.


Axel and Hank hid behind the rock they had used for cover while fighting D. “Well, we’ll just wait here. That thing’s got to run out of bullets sometime.”
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Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:30 pm
Rydia says...



Hey again! I liked this section but I don't think it was as good as the others. What was good, was the ending and the part with Caboose and the tank (I love the thought of him just sat there listening to safety manuals so maybe expand that part or include another flash section towards the end?) and this part which made me smile -

“Yeah? Suppose that was true, we’d have to kill them before we can date them,” Axel said.

“Hey, that’s fine with me,” Hank said. “I’ve been in this canyon for way too long.”


I did feel the humour slipped a little but that's okay because the comedy you do have is good enough to carry the chapter through. The individual personalities of the characters didn't stand out quite so well in this part and defining Hank and Axel's personalities more might help there.

It's good though. The action is great, the plot well developed and the dialogue still very fun. Maybe add just a little more description?

Hope this helps,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

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