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Chapter 1 - Life of a Ninja



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Fri Apr 27, 2007 3:00 pm
AyumiGosu17 says...



This is the old version. The new version is much more accurate and understandable. It is titled "Ayumi."

CHAPTER ONE LIFE OF A NINJA

The wind was wickedly fierce; it roared through the leaves every day, a wind so cold and salty it burned. A lonely figure stood in the doorway of a rickety cabin. Blood stained the walls, and pillars of ice towered into the sky. A tear fell to the snow covered ground as the onlooker’s gaze settled on her brother’s wooden toy…

“Haku!” Ayumi screamed as she bolted upright. Frantic, she studied the environment until all trace of the memory faded from her mind.

Ayumi was a young girl, only barely thirteen, but she nonetheless had a fair share in bad luck. She was an orphan, and she was lucky to still be alive. Despite misfortune nearly taking her life, it had molded her world into that of a ninja. She could hide from her past in the promise of her future.

The sunset reflected brilliantly against her reddish-gold locks, and she sighed her relief. Sunsets always offered her enough hope and comfort to keep going. For some reason, she was able to tame the angry beast that had grown within her.

“Ayumi! Hurry up!” a boy called from the distance.

“Gah! Don’t they give me any peace anymore?” Ayumi groaned, standing up and stretching. She hissed when her shoulder cracked back into place. Falling asleep on a roof was not the most comfortable thing in the world…

“Ayumi!”

“I’m coming!”

Ayumi made sure her belongings were tucked away inside her pack and that it was securely sealed before moving to the southern slope of the Academy roof. From there she could just make out the inn she, her sensei, and squad were housing at. It was just across from the Ichiraku Ramen Shop, an easily found site near the heart of Konoha.

Without looking, Ayumi hauled her weight over the edge and let herself fall into the shadowy alley beneath her. She touched down on a mound of wooden crates, but she was off again, this time for the pavement…

She gasped when a figure darted past her, black robe flying, as she landed on the path. A hand appeared out of the shadows and collided with her back. The force caught her off guard, and she was easily flung into the brick wall on the other side of the alley. When she opened her eyes, a
kunai was held firmly at her throat.

"Tell me, what brings a lowly Sound Kunoichi to Konoha?” a soft male voice growled from behind black bangs. A pair of red eyes glared deep into hers.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! Now, let me go,” Ayumi snapped just as haughtily.

“I’m afraid I can't do that. I'm quite curious: what are Sound ninja doing in this village, much less region, when the Chuunin exams aren’t for another month?”

“None of your business! We’re here on a mission!”

“Oh, forgive me, then, for distracting you from your mission!” The boy lowered the knife, taking a step away from her. “Be on your way, now.” He turned to disappear down the alley.

Ayumi called after him, thinking. “Wait! I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” she mused shyly.

The boy stopped. “That’s fine. You startled me.”

Ayumi pondered on her bewilderment of her sensei, and she couldn’t hold her tongue any longer. “What…what can you tell me about…Orochimaru?”

He was silent as he slowly turned, awestricken, to gape at her. “He’s your sensei?!”

She nodded.

“Then get away from him. Get as far from him as you can before you regret it!” When she gave him a blank stare, he added, “He’ll kill you.”

“You’ve heard it, too? The rumors?”

“The facts. Girl, he sacrifices his own ninja, his own students, so he can continue to work on his insane projects! Eternal life, resurrection, all of those things!”

Ayumi froze, her pale skin turning ghost white. This boy’s peculiar eyes showed no sign of deceit.

“Heed my words. Get out. I can tell you’re strong just by reading your eyes, and it’s the stronger ninja that tend to…disappear.”

They stood in silence. Ayumi trembled as the nightmares became reality, her fears confirmed and brought to life. She had been planning to escape from her crazed sensei and fellow ninja, but only for her own desires. Now, she would have to leave, just as before, to keep from being killed.

“Knowing all of this is enough to get you killed,” the boy whispered, red eyes darkening to a crisp black. “Now, what’ll you do?”

Ayumi opened her mouth to speak, but nearby shouting interrupted her. Men were approaching them quickly, their exclaims clearly reaching their ears. “Find him!” “Stop that rogue!” “Bring him in or bring him down!”
The boy did not wait for the men to get closer; he clutched Ayumi’s wrist firmly, and, with her running close behind, he began to run down the alley and into the darkness. Ayumi attempted to question the boy, but he would hush her before she uttered a sound.

They continued to run through the shadows, darting away from flying kunai and shuriken whenever they took a wrong turn. Finally, just past two in the morning, the duo tore away from the city shadows and disappeared into the cover of the vast forest beyond.

In the safety of the canopy, the boy let go of Ayumi’s bleeding arm. One kunai had come too close and sliced the top of her lower arm. It wasn’t a bad cut, but it had nonetheless bled a good bit. Ayumi was still as the stranger tied a bandana around the cut.

When he finished, he offered a hand to her, which she took. “I’m Itachi Uchiha.”

“And I’m Ayumi – ” she cut off her own sentence in fear. She had almost said her real last name, Gosu, but decided to use her second one
instead. “Yamashita.”

“That's pretty.” He stretched. “I suppose we’re teammates now. We’re both running from significant leaders, both rogues, and they’ve seen you with me. I don’t doubt they assume you played a part in it.”

“In what?”

A twig snapped. The duo darted into the forest. They were silent as they zipped through the leaves. All they knew was that they were being pursued, and, if they were caught, they would more than likely be killed.

Even through dawn the duo ran; they had left the ANBU ninja and Konoha far behind, but their hearts urged them on. Ayumi took that time to think about what she was doing. The more she thought, the more she saw of the devil she left far behind. She could see the differences between a life she would have lived and the life she could live now.

Only when they could no longer see the Hokage faces did they stop to rest. It was a pleasant clearing bordered on two fronts by a stream. A mighty elm stood just beside it, and wildflowers were knee high in the grass. Birds fluttered to and fro in the bushes, not even paying attention to the teens.
Itachi lounged lazily in the elm’s boughs, and Ayumi was on her back in a bed of wild daisies. They briefly dozed, recovering their strength, but in turns. If Ayumi slept, Itachi kept watch, and the other way around. The cycle lasted through the rest of the day, and finally, at night, they were both able to sleep.

“But who’ll watch?” Ayumi asked.

“I’m a light sleeper. It’s impossible to sneak up on me,” was Itachi’s mumbled reply.

“Good. And don’t try to wake me up ‘cept from a distance!”

“Why?” He raised an eyebrow.

Ayumi blushed. “I swing.” Her blush reddened when the boy snickered. That would be fine; just let him try to wake her within arm’s reach!

The next morning he dared to wake her at eight o’clock. He knelt beside her in the grasses and put a hand on her shoulder. He didn’t even mutter a sound before he had a hand lash out and bloody his lip. He sat hard on the ground.

Ayumi looked around obliviously. “Hunh?! What happened?”

“You weren’t kidding,” Itachi admitted.

Ayumi stared at him blankly before the image registered in her mind, and then she laughed. Itachi just grinned at being proven wrong, wiping the blood from his chin.

Ayumi gathered wood and built a fire while Itachi snatched a few fish from a small pool. These were each cleaned with sterilized kunai and cooked on flat rocks. Combined with a few handfuls of berries, their breakfast was more than enough to satisfy them.

“I want to see your limits,” Itachi blurted suddenly.

“What?!” she assumed he was kidding.

“You heard me. I want to see what you can do before we press on.” He confirmed what he wished with a hard glare. “Taijutsu, Ninjutsu, Genjutsu, any kekkei genkai you might have, everything.”

“Okay. What should I do first?”

“Nothing. You’ll demonstrate through fighting.”

“Fighting? Why?”

“It’s not serious. I won’t try to hurt you, and I hope you won’t hurt me?”

“I won’t try to.”

“Good. Let’s go!”

They darted. Ayumi went one way, and Itachi went another. Ayumi was quick to devise her own offensive and defensive plans.

For her defense, she moved from tree to tree, using string and dulled senbon to set traps she could activate instantly. They would not hurt him, but, if angled correctly, they would drive him off.

Her offensive was more entertaining. Just using a spark of flame from the campfire, she produced three fire clones; let Itachi try to find the real her. She then called on her eagle summon, Angel, to scout the perimeter. Having her decoys and spy in their positions, she focused on her eyes. The pupils faded and disappeared; even the iris was white. A pale blue ring surrounded the empty space, outlining Ayumi’s Byakuugan. She had never really understood why she possessed a Hidden Leaf trait, but she did.

With her new, perfected eyesight, she traced her clone’s movements, without turning her head, and finally it brought her to Itachi. He was crouched behind some low shrubs, focusing his chakra. He, too, had awakened his special eyesight.

Ayumi was quick. She skipped through the trees, not making a sound, until she was perched on a limb just above him. A grin crossing her face, she pulled out a shuriken and aimed it carefully. When she threw it, it sailed cleanly to the log at Itachi’s left hand, starting the boy out of hiding. By the time he spotted Ayumi, she was already performing the Fire Ball Jutsu and disappeared.

Itachi stood, amazed. “I have to compliment you, Ayumi! No one’s managed to sneak up on me before.”

Ayumi held a snicker. She had gotten him where she wanted him…She reached up to pull the trigger on her first trap…A second Itachi shot out of the leaves behind her, knocking her to the ground. She disappeared in a burst of flame.

“A clone? Of fire?!” He gasped as three kunai split the limb he was standing on. Ayumi dove for him from the canopy, chakra-fueled fists flying. Itachi only barely evaded a few of the quicker attacks, but most he was able to block. Ayumi couldn’t help but smile at Itachi’s bewildered expression.

Eventually, after a long struggle to drive him back, Ayumi had pushed Itachi into the heart of the clearing. Almost there. She darted as the remaining two fire clones pulled the triggers on two of her traps, letting the gleaming needles fly. A ring of senbon surrounded Itachi, pinning him to the ground.

When he looked up, Ayumi had already cast her jutsu. Fire leapt from the campfire, encircling Itachi. Ropes of flame arched over him, sealing the barrier of fire. He stood in the center of the creation, mouth agape in awe.

“This is a jutsu of the Ho-hyoton, or the ability to control fire,” Ayumi remarked as she stepped through the flames. “The Demon Fire Mirrors are only in their second stage, but when I’m finished developing it, it should have mirrors of shadow bordered by fire.” She raised an eyebrow. “Nothing will escape it, then, except for me or those I wish.”

Itachi looked at her. “I’ve never seen anything like this! Is it a kekkei genkai?”

Ayumi nodded. “It’s not as powerful as it should be. I was afraid to train with it, because just having traces of it is enough to get you killed…that’s why I left the Hidden Mist. Civil wars are constantly waged over this trait…my mother, father, and maybe even my brother were killed just three years ago.”

Itachi was quiet. Ayumi noticed that the boyish awe in his gaze was quickly replaced with heartfelt sympathies and mourn. Ayumi let the jutsu dissipate, the fire dying until all that was left was a ring of ash. Ayumi turned away from him as she felt the tears run down her face. Before she had a chance to take off running, Itachi caught her arm.

“If he was anything like you, I’ve no doubt your brother is still alive…and I can sympathize. I have a brother, myself. Okay?”

Ayumi sniffled. “Thank you…”

---------

Blades clashed, their metallic ring echoing through the dunes. Fierce yells rose above the clamor as two bodies fell to the ground. There was silence; all you could hear was the incessant wind of the desert and its few inhabitants.

A girl began to laugh. A boy joined her after a moment, and they both laughed long afterwards.

“It’s amazing how much fun it is to fight with you! You’re so…unpredictable!” the boy chuckled.

“Even with Sharingan?” the girl mused.

“Even after four years together!” He sighed, sitting up. He leaned on one elbow, facing the green–eyed girl beside him. “And to think I thought you were a weak Sound kunoichi!”

“Oh, that’s better than what I thought of you!”

“And what would that be, Ayumi Yamashita?”

“Oh! Full names! Ouch! Well, I thought you were the quietest, most stubborn Leaf ninja I could ever meet!” She sat up on her hands and knees. “Itachi Uchiha!”

Itachi yelled, playfully tackling her. Tangled in each other’s arms, they rolled down the dune as their laughter rose above all noise yet again. They laughed even after they had stopped at the base.

Ayumi smiled at the boy she had grown to secretly love. They had been through everything together, and she was always by his side. As she stared into those deep, rich, black eyes, she couldn’t help but remember their adventures…

In the Sound village, Orochimaru caught up with them. They had escaped him and his snakes, but Itachi had been wounded and Ayumi lost control of her power. Despite the fact he was nearly unconscious, Itachi managed to wake her from her own nightmare, which nearly cost him his life.

In the Hidden Grass village, Itachi had intervened and thus protected Ayumi from a group of ninja. She shuddered when she remembered their intentions with her…

Itachi rolled onto his back and put his hands behind his head. Ayumi rolled onto her stomach and lay down against the cool sand. They lay there in silence, Itachi looking at the stars and Ayumi drawing figures in the sand.
After what seemed to be forever, Ayumi looked up. She half rose up on her elbows, head cocked slightly to the side. Itachi sat up.

“What now?” he asked.

Ayumi didn’t respond. She just listened.

“Ayumi?”

“Shh…” she whispered. “We have company.”

Itachi slowly got to his knees, slipping his kunai from its hidden sheath on his arm. “Where?”

“There’s three, all of them spread out.” She looked at her companion. “I
don’t like their silence.”

“Neither do I.” Itachi blinked, and his Sharingan seemed to appear out of thin air. Ayumi closed her own eyes, snapping them open with her Byakuugan gleaming.

There was a flap of a robe behind Itachi, and Ayumi acted. She was on her feet in a second, and the next she had disappeared. The attacking ninja skid to a halt, but he was already within reach of the black robed boy. Itachi grunted softly as he spun, planting a heavy kick on the attacker’s knee. The man went down and several feet sideways, and Itachi stood over him.

Ayumi, having perched on a boulder just behind a brown–headed woman, leapt. Her feet touched down on the woman’s back, and they fell. There was a quick blur, the ring of metal on stone, and a yelp. Ayumi had driven her quarry against the boulder, a set of senbon holding her to it from the shoulder and side.

Itachi glared at the man. “Where’s the third?”

“Same question for you, punk!” was the hot reply.

“There is no other in our case,” Itachi growled back.

“That’s a bad lie! All missions are carried out in squads of three or more!” the girl responded this time.

“Don’t test me, kunoichi. I’m not as nice as he is,” Ayumi warned.

“I’m fully aware of that, Ayumi Gosu!”

Ayumi gasped. As she studied the girl, she became more and more familiar. Remembering the squad she was a part of while under Orochimaru, she realized who these people were.

“Suki?!”

“Ding–ding–ding! And who’s the winner?”

“Damn! Itachi, these are Sound ninja!” Ayumi darted, stopping beside him. Back to back, he only stood two inches taller than her five–foot–seven.

“Wonderful!” Itachi remarked sarcastically. “And the third is Orochimaru?”

“I’m not sure…”

Before anything else could be said, the Sound ninja attacked. Suki went for Ayumi as Itachi tussled with the man. A third ninja wandered in the shadows, but they all feared who might be lurking there, waiting to strike.
Suki was no match for Ayumi. She had never been. Seeing Suki struggle to fend off Ayumi and keep up brought back memories…

Suki screamed with frustration as she remained on the ground. She pouted more when Orochimaru spoke in Ayumi’s favor: “You’ll never match Ayumi in battle, not with that attitude…”

Ayumi scoffed as she saw it happening again. Suki was stumbling and falling, set off balance by the older girl’s strength and speed. Suki screamed when Ayumi darted past her katana, struck her hand, and brought another fist forward. Chakra poured into Ayumi’s fist as senbon molded seemingly out of red mist. Suki was silenced when Ayumi punched the girl in the upper abdomen. “Tiger Claw Strike!”

Ayumi’s attention was diverted to the men at the sound of ripping cloth, an agonized groan, and Itachi’s battle roar. When she looked behind her, the Sound ninja from before toppled to the ground, blood streaming from a gash across his back. Itachi dropped the kunai in his hand, and at first Ayumi was confused. Then she saw his own injury.

“Itachi! Your hand!” Ayumi was at his side in a single bound, taking his right hand in hers. A long, deep gash split his palm.

“It’s not bad…” he explained. “He attacked with his sword, but I took it away from him.”

“Oh, that was smart!”

Itachi’s gaze hardened as robes flew once more, this time another man coming. He was not as tall as the others, but he was obviously dangerous. He was between them in a second, and the next he had knocked Ayumi across the flat. Itachi fought with him empty handed for a moment, but he too was overwhelmed. He fell against the boulder.

“Itachi…move!” Ayumi growled.

She folded her hands, touching the fingertips with it’s opposite counterpart. The last two sets she bent, as she tucked the first beneath its neighbor. Her eyes changed from the Byakuugan back to the original green, and then to a brilliant reddish amber.

“Special Jutsu: Demon Fire Mirrors!”

Itachi did not hesitate to obey her. He was quick to move out of the way as a fire roared. Fire seeped from the rubies on her gauntlets and wrapped around her hands. From there, it moved in a single red hot flash to encircle the new arrival. As quickly as it had caged him, bands of fire rose and connected, the fiery strings weaving a grid in the shape of a barrier. There was no escape.

Itachi even stared in awe as a deep blackness filled in the spaces between the borders, the surface of whatever it was reflecting everything. Ayumi drew her own katana from its sheath on her hip, quickly looking at Itachi.
“Don’t stop me this time. I might accidentally kill you, this time,” Ayumi hissed.

“I learned my lesson last time,” Itachi assured her. He instantly
remembered the pain of a kunai driven deep into his lower chest…he had aimed to stop her from killing a man and thus allowing Orochimaru to take her body, and he succeeded with a high price. It nearly took his life.

Without another word, Ayumi walked forward. Suki thought she might bang her head against the mirror–like blackness, but, to everyone’s surprise,
Ayumi disappeared into it. She didn’t reappear through the other side, but her image glared at the cowering person.

“What now?” he trembled.

“The nightmare begins…” Ayumi answered malevolently.

In the blink of an eye, Ayumi vanished, the man screamed in pain, and she reappeared in a completely different place. As the moments flew by, no one could pinpoint where Ayumi moved to, where the attacks came from, and how she managed it. Sometimes, more than five attacks would happen at once, but none from the same direction. The man’s groans and screams sent chills down everyone’s spines.

Everyone watched in bewildered awe as Ayumi suddenly appeared over the ninja. He had been pretty much shredded; cuts from the razor sharp senbon covered his arms, back, and face. Now she stood over him, a kunai in hand. Her demonic eyes showed absolutely no emotion.

Itachi, oblivious to Suki sneaking up behind him, held his breath when Ayumi raised the kunai to strike. “Please, don’t,” he caught himself whispering. “Don’t follow Orochimaru’s example.”

As if she heard his request, Ayumi didn’t bring the knife down on her own victim, but she instead swung it out away from her. The blade flew cleanly past Itachi’s neck, and a startled squeal pierced the silence. Suki fell to the ground, the knife embedded in her right shoulder.

Ayumi darted through the mirrors and made her way for the other ninja. Itachi sidestepped another attack, using easy footwork to set his opponent off balance. Ayumi rammed hard into him, which finished throwing him off balance. He stumbled, but he quickly found his balance again, and he turned on Ayumi.

Without blinking, Ayumi inhaled and breathed a strong ball of fire on her enemy. When the flames died, he was nowhere to be found. Ayumi waited, exchanging a few brief glances with Itachi. The moments seemed to last forever, and Itachi heaved a sigh. Looking past the girl in front of him, he noticed that the ninja who had been caught in Ayumi’s all–out onslaught had finally collapsed. He lay unconscious in the center of the Demon Fire Mirrors.

The third ninja suddenly appeared behind Ayumi, but before Itachi could act, blood sprayed from her back. She cried out, her amber eyes flashing back to green. She spun on her toe, a handful of senbon suddenly appearing inside her fist. She kept spinning, and Itachi saw what had happened to her.

Ayumi gasped in pain as blood seeped from another wound on her side, but she had downed the man who had tried to kill her. All seven senbon had been driven into the lower part of his neck near the collarbone. Gasping, she passed out instantly.

“Ayumi!” Itachi ran to her and caught her as a great inferno surrounded them, separating them from the desert around them. As quickly as it had started, a hard wind blew the fire away. Itachi gasped when he found that they were in a completely different world. Pines rose out of the hills, and a thin layer of snow covered the ground.

He looked at Ayumi, eyes shimmering with worry. He ran his fingers along the wound on her side; then he studied her back. Her bare back had been split from her shoulder blades to her waist, and blood poured from it.

“My gosh…” he breathed. “Hang on; please, hang on!”



Ayumi heard the gulls first. There was a strange familiarity about that sound…next the soft scent of seawater drifted in on a cool breeze…
Ayumi snapped her eyes open, quickly getting to her feet. She looked around the room for a window, and when she found it she was at its sill in a heartbeat. She lost her breath at the sight that greeted her.

A wide, sandy beach lay just beyond a snow-covered yard. Elms, tulips, and spruce trees rose at the beginning of a vast forest about a hundred paces to her right, and a single gravel road wound through an orchard toward a village to the left. Ayumi looked around the yard, and she found a set of tracks leading from the forest. Two children, a pretty little girl and an older boy, were running and playing in the snow.

The room Ayumi had been staying in was not that of a hospital. It was a spare bedroom, by the looks of it. A single dresser was along one wall, and a circular mirror hung over it. A large cot was on the floor up against the opposite wall, a poster of a great red dragon over it. The covers were hand sewn fleece throws over silk sheets.

The sound of someone breathing drew her attention to the opposite corner of the room. Sound asleep with his back to the wall, Itachi hadn’t even noticed she had risen. Ayumi couldn’t hide her smile.

(He looks so peaceful. At least he’s catching up on his rest.)

“Oh, up already?” a woman exclaimed.

Ayumi whirled, hissing for the stranger to be quiet.

“Is he still asleep?” a small, brown haired woman looked past Ayumi. “Ah, good. He needs it.” She looked back at Ayumi, brown eyes glowing. “How do you feel?”

“Wonderful…” Ayumi nodded. “Where are we?” The lump in her throat grew bigger.

“The Land of Waves…Hidden in the Mist.”

It felt as if someone had taken all of the air in her lungs away, and then closed off her throat. She felt the fear of long ago rising within her, that cold feeling of darkness that had made her leave in the first place.

Ayumi quickly turned around, ripping her casual clothes from her pack. She darted behind a changing screen, changing clothes rapidly. Before the woman could breathe a word, Ayumi was out the door, through the house, and bolting across the yard.

She ran hard even after her side began to sear. She gasped for breath, but she still ran. She kept going, to where she didn’t know. She whipped through the trees like the breeze escaped the eagle, and she kept running.
Out of breath, she finally fell at the mouth of an obsidian cave. She gasped when she saw it; it hadn’t changed since the last time she had seen it…

She remembered running down that same trail, only she didn’t stop at the mouth of the cave. She disappeared into it, trying desperately to escape them…

She opened her eyes as she darted into the blackness.



Itachi opened his eyes to find a little girl curiously examining his cloak. He was quiet, only following her with his eyes so as to not startle her. When he looked at the cot only to find it empty, Ayumi’s bag open at its foot, he darted. The girl squealed at the sudden movement, but he didn’t care. He had to find Ayumi.

“Ayumi?” he called when he reached the bedroom door. “Where is she?”

“Oh, she took off. Don’t ask me why!” a boy explained.

Itachi growled impatiently, snatching his boots. When he started to buckle them up, the boy’s mother got to her feet.

“Now, you just listen here, boy! You’re not fit to go searching for her! You’re already sick as it is!”

“I have to find her.”

“What’s so bad about her disappearing?”

Itachi glared at her. “She has a tendency to get in trouble, trouble that could kill her!” Without another word, he passed through the front door, down the steps, and across the yard.

The woman looked at her son and nodded towards the door. “Follow him in case he gets worse.”

When the boy had gotten up, dressed for cold weather, and left, the man of the house spoke up. “What’s wrong with the kid?”

His wife shared a concerned look with him. “That hand has a slight infection that could get worse.”

“And if it does?”

“He’ll lose it.”



Itachi knew he was being followed, but he didn’t dare acknowledge it. His primary concern was finding Ayumi.

He followed the girl’s tracks through the forest, over ravines, and around trees. He stayed on her trail even when it led him through thick brush. He followed her all the way to the cave…

He entered the cave, passing through the first chamber silently. It was small, and a frozen creek lay to one side. He continued into the cave, eyes steadily scanning for traces of Ayumi. He found her in the third chamber. It was large and lit beautifully by a single shaft to the sky above. She stood in the center of the light, her fire red shoulder length locks falling charmingly against her face. She stared attentively at a wrinkled picture in her hand.

“Ayumi? What upsets you?” Itachi approached her quietly.

Ayumi closed her eyes, a tear falling to the ground. “I’m afraid…I’m afraid they’ll recognize me, and they’ll try to kill me again. I’m afraid of what I might find if I search for Haku and if I go back to the village. I’m so afraid!”

Itachi put a hand on her shoulder. “That was seven years ago. You’ve changed considerably since then.”

“That doesn’t matter! I’m the spitting image of my mother! Don’t you think they’ll notice?”

“Yes, they may notice, but they’ll also take note of the fact you’re no villain. You’ve done no wrong.”

“Convince them that!”

Itachi sighed. He forced Ayumi to turn around so that he could look directly into her eyes. “Ayumi, any stranger can tell you’re a wonderful person, not a fiend. I should know!”

Ayumi sniffled.

“Don’t worry about them. Because, believe it or not, you’re too precious to me for me to let them hurt you. Okay?”

Ayumi gasped. She tried to find a hint of a bluff in this seventeen–year–old boy’s gaze, but it was steady and true. Yes, he was fond her; could he even be in love with her?

His reassuring, warm embrace convinced her that he was. His love he showed her reminded her it was her seventeenth birthday.
Last edited by AyumiGosu17 on Sun Jan 06, 2008 11:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





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Fri Apr 27, 2007 7:11 pm
Ofour says...



Sorry, I haven't read it, but have you considered breaking this down into several, smaller chunks. I'm faced with sheets of writing and it's quite daunting.
ln(-a)=i(pi) + lna
  





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Mon May 21, 2007 1:09 pm
theron guard says...



It is kinda long, but It was readable. :) I like it, But I'll say the same thing I said in Chapter 2. Although its in the Naruto world, try to make it more realistic. Like a nice Itachi? Itachi is as evil as it gets! :twisted: :lol: Just keep it believable.
Ohhhhhhh YEAH!!!!!!
  





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Mon Jun 11, 2007 11:15 pm
PsychicNinja says...



Hi!
It sounds good as a story.
But when you add in Itachi's personality and Haku's past and stuff...it doesn't fit in. You should make it a little more believable for the Naruto relm. Her kekei genkai doesn't make sense either. Byakugan? That's leaf village trait and she's related to Haku? Being related to Haku makes sense, I guess, but Haku's bloodline trait is different.
Just make it more believable for the Naruto world, and it will be fine!
Like I said, it's a good story; a real cliffhanger!
I like the action parts of it! I can tell how much you LOVE Itachi!
Good story!
~PsychicNinja-Kakashi Lover
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Tue Jun 19, 2007 2:17 pm
Dynamo says...



theron guard and PsychicNinja, let's not forget that this is happening before the Naruto series has begun. For all we know Itachi could have fallen in love after he left the village, love that changes him into a good person. What I see coming in this story is something's going to happen to the two of them that breaks something inside of Itachi and causes him to become the merciless assassin he is now. As for the rest of the stuff, it's just the beginning of the story, we don't know what's going to happen or even much about the main character's history. I think either AyumiGosu17 has this story all planned out and is going to surprise us, or she's just making it up as she goes. Either way it's her story.

OK, about the story itself. I can't see much to correct in the lines of spelling and grammar, but I have to agree to some point about what the others said. Your story has things in it that could lead to plot holes. If you don't know what the seriousness about a plot hole is let me fill you in. A plot hole is considered a paradox in the world an author is creating, if nothing is done about it the world could be irreparably destroyed, kinda like a time traveling accident. Just keep that in mind.
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Fri Aug 24, 2007 12:52 am
ninja-Z says...



Yes, he was fond her; could he even be in love with her?

this was your only mistake. you could have been a little more original with her moves, and i dont see this fitting in to the naruto storyline. otherwise, it was good!
Z_

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Fri Jan 04, 2008 2:29 am
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PsychicNinja says...



Konnichiwa, Audra-chan. I am going to read your story over again and crit as I go along. I have one question, though, now you have two posts titled "Ayumi-Chapter 1"and "Ayumi-Chapter2". Are those taking place before chapter one? I'm confused about how they take place chronologically.

here goes:

it roared through the leaves every day, a wind so cold and salty it burned.


I'm not so sure of 'every day'. I doesn't seem to fit well.

Despite misfortune nearly taking her life, it had molded her world into that of a ninja.


Doesn't all misfortune mold a person into being a ninja? Seems to be the case...

Ayumi made sure her belongings were tucked away inside her pack and that it was securely sealed before moving to the southern slope of the Academy roof. From there she could just make out the inn she, her sensei, and squad were housing at. It was just across from the Ichiraku Ramen Shop, an easily found site near the heart of Konoha.


Okay, a problem here. If she's a Sound ninja, undercover, in the Leaf Village:
1) How would she have known about monuments, I should say (for lack of a better word) or Konoha, or rather the Ramen Shop.

"
Tell me, what brings a lowly Sound Kunoichi to Konoha?” a soft male voice growled from behind black bangs. A pair of red eyes glared deep into hers.


Hm...I never thought of Itachi-kun's voice as 'growling', he's always been pretty soft spoken.

The boy stopped. “That’s fine. You startled me.”


If this is taking place right after the murder of the Uchiha clan, (isn't it?), then Itachi-kun would be more of a 'young man' rather than boy. *shrug* Just seeing from his appearance in the flashbacks. he looked older than 13.

He was silent as he slowly turned, awestricken, to gape at her. “He’s your sensei?!”


If Itachi knows she belongs to the Sound Village, he has to automatically assume Orochimaru-sama is her sensei...he pretty much is sensei to all the Sound ninja.

Random thought--chronology isn't exactly all in order here. I'm trying to figure this out. Orochimaru created the Hidden Sound Village two years before the start of Naruto (formally created). Itachi-kun wiped out his clan four years before the events of Naruto started. That's where this doesn't make sense. Itachi-kun would know about Orochimaru and stuff, but not the Sound Village exactly...

I figured out your major problem, but I'll read along. ^_^

“Find him!” “Stop that rogue!” “Bring him in or bring him down!”


Konoha didn't know that it was Itachi-kun who had murdered the clan until days after. That night, Itachi-kun just left...

She then called on her eagle summon, Angel, to scout the perimeter.


Try to find a Japanese name, please. It makes more sense.

She had never really understood why she possessed a Hidden Leaf trait, but she did.


At least you sorta explained that she didn't know how she could have a Leaf trait...but ya know..she was with Orochimaur-sama. He could experimented on her. :wink:

She disappeared in a burst of flame.


Somehow, I like the idea of fire clones. ^^

By the time he spotted Ayumi, she was already performing the Fire Ball Jutsu and disappeared.


Fire Ball Jutsu: Special to the Uchiha clan. You should be more original and invent a different kind of fire jutsu. Oh, and another thing>Shouldn't Ayumi know what the Sharingan is? Yes...she probably should...

“This is a jutsu of the Ho-hyoton, or the ability to control fire,” Ayumi remarked as she stepped through the flames. “The Demon Fire Mirrors are only in their second stage, but when I’m finished developing it, it should have mirrors of shadow bordered by fire.” She raised an eyebrow. “Nothing will escape it, then, except for me or those I wish.”


Timea likes it! A new twist on a Kishi jutsu. ^_~

There was one problem with that fight scene. Itachi has the Sharingan. Since it's a kekkei genkai he can't copy it, but he can evade it better. It was too much of a one-sided fight. He should have fought back more.

maybe even my brother were killed just three years ago.”


Just a bit too much foreshadowing here. :wink:

Ayumi noticed that the boyish awe in his gaze was quickly replaced with heartfelt sympathies and mourn.


This isn't quite...Itachi-like...

~~Continued~~
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Fri Jan 04, 2008 3:31 am
PsychicNinja says...



Okay, in the ten minutes between this post and my last, I remembered something, Audra-chan! Handsigns! You need to include them more and maybe do a little research on them. Also, the byakugan and fire jutsu... I dunno, I love the special fire jutsu part, but I think you should make a original like of kekkei genkai that links with it. Byakugan just doesn't match.

Okay, reading on:

Blades clashed, their metallic ring echoing through the dunes. Fierce yells rose above the clamor as two bodies fell to the ground. There was silence; all you could hear was the incessant wind of the desert and its few inhabitants.


I love this paragraph. Or maybe I just love the word incessant. :D

A girl began to laugh. A boy joined her after a moment, and they both laughed long afterwards.


To distinguish that four years have passed, you should referr to them now as older. 'Young woman' or 'young man'. :D

In the Sound village, Orochimaru caught up with them. They had escaped him and his snakes, but Itachi had been wounded and Ayumi lost control of her power. Despite the fact he was nearly unconscious, Itachi managed to wake her from her own nightmare, which nearly cost him his life.


An interesting new encounter, but I think you should have connected more with the fact that Itachi cut off Orochimaru's arm when Orochimaru-sama tried to take over Itachi-kun's body. Or maybe you didn't know that yet, sorry. If you don't want to read spoilers (that really isn't one, I suppose), then just read up on Itachi's past, which really isn't a spoiler, since it isn't really 'in the future'.

Ayumi, having perched on a boulder just behind a brown–headed woman, leapt.


I think you should say 'haired'. 'Headed' sounds a like awkward.

All missions are carried out in squads of three or more!


Okay, well technically all missions are carried out in four-man squads. C and D ranked missions can be carried out in three-man squads, though.

Suki screamed with frustration as she remained on the ground. She pouted more when Orochimaru spoke in Ayumi’s favor: “You’ll never match Ayumi in battle, not with that attitude…”


I'm kinda imagining a Naruto-ish flashback here. ^^ I like it.

Ayumi’s attention was diverted to the men at the sound of ripping cloth, an agonized groan, and Itachi’s battle roar.


Silent killing, Audra-chan.^^ 'Tis the specialty of any ANBU. 'Battle roar' reminds me of what Naruto-kun would do.

“Itachi…move!” Ayumi growled.


I don't think growled fits here. Yelled or ordered would work better.

She folded her hands, touching the fingertips with it’s opposite counterpart. The last two sets she bent, as she tucked the first beneath its neighbor.


I was kind of confused here, but I'm guessing she's making hand signs. You should make that clearer. :D

As quickly as it had caged him, bands of fire rose and connected, the fiery strings weaving a grid in the shape of a barrier. There was no escape.


So now it kind of reminds me of a fire cage, not really mirrors...

“Don’t stop me this time. I might accidentally kill you, this time,” Ayumi hissed.


Now, this is a confusing quote. I don't even know where to begin understanding what she meant. It gets clearer with the next sentance, but...it was just confusing at first.

Itachi, oblivious to Suki sneaking up behind him, held his breath when Ayumi raised the kunai to strike. “Please, don’t,” he caught himself whispering. “Don’t follow Orochimaru’s example.”


Okay, I didn't mind it before. Actually, I kinda liked it...but this is totally not like Itachi-kun to feel, say, or think something like this. This is from someone who murdered his entire clan, mercilessly, here...

The blade flew cleanly past Itachi’s neck, and a startled squeal pierced the silence. Suki fell to the ground, the knife embedded in her right shoulder.


Throughout this battle, it seemed like Itachi was the one getting hurt, doing nothing, and Ayumi was the great one. Itachi-kun is one of the BEST shinobi around and Ayumi has a awesome sounding jutsu and everything, but so far it is WAY too Mary Sue. The feel of this battle didn't seem right somehow (so far).

The caring that Itachi-kun and Ayumi seem to have for each other greatly lasts in the battle, but during a ninja battle there is no time for deep emotion and they should know that. Just wanted to point that out. (Finally, she get wounded^^)

Itachi gasped when he found that they were in a completely different world. Pines rose out of the hills, and a thin layer of snow covered the ground.


Okay, honestly, I have no idea what happened her? Sand, desert..then snow? that's confusing. :?:

Snow...and beach...and tulips? Wow...apparently I don't get it, but you can clarify for me, Audra-chan. ^^

“The Land of Waves…Hidden in the Mist.”



Okay, if they were in the sand...I would have assumed it was in the Land of the Wind (Village Hidden in the Sand). Which is totally on the opposite side of the map. Also, the Land of Waves is a different country than the Village Hidden in the Mist. Look up a Naruto map. They're close, but different countries. :D

She gasped when she saw it; it hadn’t changed since the last time she had seen it…


This furthers my point that the Land of Waves is a group of island a ways from the Land of Water/Village Hidden in the Mist. Of course, it wasn't completely clarified, but Haku grew up in the Land of Water.

Itachi growled impatiently, snatching his boots. When he started to buckle them up, the boy’s mother got to her feet.


Two things:
the growling thing again...maybe groaned...
And if he's in his Akatsuki dress, or even just normal shinobi wear, they would be zori, traditional Japanese sandals (although I suppose they could be called boots) that he would be wearing.

“Now, you just listen here, boy! You’re not fit to go searching for her! You’re already sick as it is!”


And again with the 'boy' thing.

The woman looked at her son and nodded towards the door. “Follow him in case he gets worse.”


For strangers they seem pretty interested in some random shinobi, if you ask me. Normal civilians would just harbor shinobi and feed them, etc, but not follow them if they left the house. And this 'infection' thing is kind of confusing. Why would he lose it because of an infection?

“That doesn’t matter! I’m the spitting image of my mother! Don’t you think they’ll notice?”


In the flashbacks, Haku's mother has black hair, but I guess if you just look at the face, that could be a splitting image as well.

“Don’t worry about them. Because, believe it or not, you’re too precious to me for me to let them hurt you. Okay?”


Aww...I think you found the touchy-ness of Naruto. :cry: :cry:

Which I happen to love. :cry: :D

His love he showed her reminded her it was her seventeenth birthday.


I'm not exactly sure these two things go together- 'his love' and the birthday.




Overall, I thought it was really good, Audra-chan! If you just polish up some stuff and get it more sandwiched into continuity, then I think it's a fantastic story! Keep it up!

~the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Fri Jan 04, 2008 3:33 am
PsychicNinja says...



Whoa, geez, that was the longest crit I've done. :wink:

Then again, I can crit better on things that I can relate to.

~~T~~

:D
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:36 pm
Light_Devil says...



**Itachi even stared in awe as a deep blackness filled in the spaces between the borders, the surface of whatever it was reflecting everything. Ayumi drew her own katana from its sheath on her hip, quickly looking at Itachi.
“Don’t stop me this time. I might accidentally kill you, this time,” Ayumi hissed.**

The same word, is kind of repetitive, "Don't stop me this time. I might accidently kill you this time," Ayumi hissed.

And that is the only thing in that whole chapter, which rubbed me the wrong way.


I LOVED IT! I'm more of a Itachi=Evil, but I get where you're going.
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