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Young Writers Society


Chapter 1: Part One



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Wed May 02, 2007 8:53 pm
EmiSukotto16 says...



Part 1

The storm let loose a torrent of freezing cold rain. Lightning flashed across the sky and the earth shook with the sound of thunder. A lonely figure walked, blood-soaked and wet, with an expressionless face. Her eyes were distant and she was ghostly white.

Far down the road, about a mile away, the large wall of Konoha offered the girl protection from the half-blinding rain, but many dangers lurked within and around her. She would be haunted with the events she had just witnessed...


Emi had just left Hidden Sound and arrived at her village where the Sukotto Clan lived. She had just turned 16 and she had left Hidden Sound with a satisfying amount of knowledge. She had spent the last ten years of her life going from Hidden Village to Hidden Village learning as much as she could on the ways of the ninja in each village. She had successfully been asked to succeed the KazeKage and the MizuKage. She was also asked to succeed the head ninja of Hidden Waterfall, her birthplace, Hidden Rain, and, just recently, Hidden Sound. Orochimaru had asked her to succeed him when she noticed he was planning to use her body so he could be immortal. She turned him down and left the village. That move has made Orochimaru an enemy to her and he wants her body for himself. He, now, has her followed and hunted by the sound five.

Emi was close to her village when she saw the smoke and heard the battle that was raging. She used her Mist Transport Jutsu and disappeared in a swirl of mist. When she arrived in the village square, in front of her father's mansion, she saw two men, dressed in black and red robes, watching a second pair of men fighting across the gardens from them. The village was in flames and the bodies of the entire clan lay scattered across the ground.

One of the men fighting was wearing the same black and red robe as the other two men. The other fighter wore the traditional samurai armor and fought with a naginata.

"Father!" Emi cried. She knew the men in the robes were ninja and that he stood n chance against any of them.

All four men looked at her. She immediately noticed the man fighting her father. Her heart nearly stopped as the man threw her father back with absolute grace and thrust his dagger into his opponent's chest.

Emi screamed as her father dropped to the ground. She immediately transported herself in the mist, to her loved one's side. He was gasping past blood that drained from his mouth. He looked at her with such care and love; she felt tears burning her eyes. He cupped her face in his hands and, with his last breath, said, "I love you, my daughter."

His eyes closed and his face was set regally as the last of his life force drained away.

Emi laid her father's head down on the ground.

"I love you, too, my father." She breathed through her ragged breath. She turned and glared at the man who had killed he father. She looked into the man's red eyes with such burning hate it caused the man to flinch slightly.
"How could you! Itachi! How could you do this?"

Itachi stared at her with a face bare of any emotion. His black hair whipped across his face as the wind began to rise.

"I asked you a question!" she walked up to him and glared into his face. Then she saw it! A flicker of emotion. Sadness for his crime against her. They had been friends since Emi had first began to study at the Hidden Waterfall Ninja Academy. He had been with the Third Hokage when she had first met him.

"Why, Itachi? What did I do to deserve your betrayal?" she heard a limb crack behind her. She looked to where the sound had emanated from and saw her cousin Ayumi standing at the edge of the forest, her hand over her heart. She looked completely shocked, and she looked at Itachi with a look Emi could barely believe she saw. Compassion and sadness mixed into a look only a lover could give. Before he could mask his expression, Emi caught Itachi with the exact same face.

It was too hard to believe! Her very own cousin was in love with the traitor that had just killed what family she and Emi had left. Ayumi had lost her mother and father, and her brother had disappeared. And this man, this traitor, loved her too. Enough to kill her family? Emi's head was spinning; she could barely control herself. All she felt was anger, hate, misery, and confusion. Her mind transformed into the very thing she had given up the emotion her cousin now shared with Itachi, the thing she had sacrificed love, to control.

Her eyes turned solid neon blue and her hair began to rise in a flare over her head. A whirlwind formed around her and rain began to drench the blood-sodden ground. She was going to kill everything, anything that moved. She saw Itachi and prepared a deadly blow. Right before she could execute the attack, a sudden surge of pain slashed up her body from her left ankle. The diamond-shaped yin-yang tattoo began to glow a bright blue from inside her boot. She fell to the ground and in a bright flash of white-blue light, she was unconscious when she hit the ground.

The men grouped around her, and stared at her, looking for signs of movement. When none came, Itachi said, "It seems we still do not know everything about her."

A second man nodded. His face was blue and he resembled a shark almost perfectly. "I believe we should study her for a while before we take her to our Leader."

The last man nodded his assent. He had blonde hair and one eye covered by hair and a village headband that had been scratched straight across the emblem.

They disappeared with a chakra-supported burst of speed.

Emi was barely conscious when she heard them leave. She couldn't open her eyes or move due to the after effects of tattoo's protection. It was a good fifteen minutes before her eyes fluttered and opened to the downpour she had created. Her emotions held the storm in place as she rose to her feet, slightly disoriented. She felt herself empty of the rage and hate she had just felt as her second tattoo, in the shape of a swirling blue raindrop, sealed it away. All she felt now was emptiness. Her thoughts had frozen and she became a drone.

Her power had been sapped by the tattoo and she could not use her Advanced Hyoton to bury the villagers. She found a shovel, in good enough condition, and began to dig graves for the fifty-three villagers. No more tears flowed from her eyes as the last body had been covered. Six hours of this painstaking task, and though she was gasping for breath, Emi still felt no emotions.

She knew that she would not be able to return for a couple of years, so she planted flowers on each grave. That way the flowers would stay there forever.

Emi left the village, empty of her soul. She left down the road from which she came.
Last edited by EmiSukotto16 on Wed May 02, 2007 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Llama 1:"Shh! Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."
Llama 2:"That's the sound of people drowning, Carl!"
Llama 1:"That is what forgiveness sounds like; screaming and then silence."
  





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Wed May 02, 2007 9:31 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot says...



...wow.
Aside from several grammatical errors and stuff of the like, your style is good. But there's something I can't place about this story that seems wrong.
I suppose it lies mostly with the character Emi....surely someone who could become a Kage would be known and wouldn't be allowed into another village's academy? My gracious. That's a lot of power to start a story with. And a hidden demon-like ability? Wow.

The next part is the SPEED. 4 paragraphs into the chapter and we're already at a death scene :O and then, he just dies....and then Emi is screaming at Itachi and then her "demon side" (I'm assuming) just about pops out of her skull, the tattoo stops her from probably stops her from destroying the village and she buries everybody.

It's so hurried. At the beginning, we aren't given any clue to her personality, just her accomplishments, which usually just makes the writer/narrator sound robotic. It hardly seems like the character is feeling.

It's like when you meet someone- you don't want to hear their accomplishments, because it sounds like they're bragging and it deters you from wanting to know them further. Characters are people, too. They eat, sleep, cry, fall in love, hate, scream, laugh and talk like we do, when written correctly.

Thus: when you introduce a character, you want the readers to like and support them. But do you like and support someone who talks about their accomplishments as if you are nothing? Uh-uh.

When this much happens in one chapter, the chapter is usually about ten pages long! Give the scenes time to play themselves out. The words won't vanish because you don't write them fast enough.
Looking forward to chapter 2!

:)

~Sumi
ohmeohmy
  





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Wed May 02, 2007 9:34 pm
EmiSukotto16 says...



Forgive me, I meant to put "Part One". Me fault. I must fix that!
Llama 1:"Shh! Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."
Llama 2:"That's the sound of people drowning, Carl!"
Llama 1:"That is what forgiveness sounds like; screaming and then silence."
  





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Thu May 03, 2007 4:12 pm
AyumiGosu17 says...



Yay! Very nice! It's just you need to put a space between the eleventh and twelfth (sp?) paragraphs...Other than that...WONDERFUL!!!
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





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Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:46 am
PsychicNinja says...



Sounds good! Keep it up!
Good luck!
~PN
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:39 am
PsychicNinja says...



Hey!

I just finished critting Audra's story...

So I'm critting as I go along:

The storm let loose a torrent of freezing cold rain. Lightning flashed across the sky and the earth shook with the sound of thunder. A lonely figure walked, blood-soaked and wet, with an expressionless face. Her eyes were distant and she was ghostly white.


First impressions are always good..and this is a good one.

She had just turned 16 and


You should spell out sixteen.

She had spent the last ten years of her life going from Hidden Village to Hidden Village learning as much as she could on the ways of the ninja in each village. She had successfully been asked to succeed the KazeKage and the MizuKage. She was also asked to succeed the head ninja of Hidden Waterfall, her birthplace, Hidden Rain, and, just recently, Hidden Sound.


Ooo...info dump.
She's 16...
And, okay this just doesn't make sense. Very Mary-Sue-ish..it doesn't work. If I'm getting the time frame right, judging my Audra's story...during the past 10 years..there have been wars between the villages. She can't go roaming from Hidden Village to Hidden Village without LOADS of ANBU and Inferno Squad on her tail...and especially wouldn't have been asked to succeed Kage. Besides...it's not like Kage are asks to be succeeded...the Kage has to die first and then someone is chosen to succeed them. This just doesn't make sense.

She turned him down and left the village.


Wow, you make it sound like it was a big choice for her...or a decision...
'Turning him down' should be 'escaped' or 'rejected'..something along those lines.

That move has made Orochimaru an enemy to her and he wants her body for himself.


This sentence sounds awkward.

He, now, has her followed and hunted by the sound five.


Sound Five needs to capitalized. Maybe you should put the 'now' between 'has' and 'her'.

she saw two men, dressed in black and red robes, watching a second pair of men fighting across the gardens from them.


You should do a better job of explaining the Akatsuki's robes. It's not descriptive enough.

She knew the men in the robes were ninja and that he stood n chance against any of them.


If you look hard enough, you'll see your typo.

He was gasping past blood that drained from his mouth.


How 'bout dripped from his mouth...drained doesn't sound too good.

She looked completely shocked, and she looked at Itachi with a look Emi could barely believe she saw.


Whoa, way to many 'looked's!!!

the thing she had sacrificed love, to control.


I think I get what you're saying here...but it's still a little confusing.

A second man nodded. His face was blue and he resembled a shark almost perfectly. "I believe we should study her for a while before we take her to our Leader."

The last man nodded his assent. He had blonde hair and one eye covered by hair and a village headband that had been scratched straight across the emblem.


Okay, well since Emi is unconcious...this shouldn't sound like its from her point of view. Try telling the descprition from the narrator's point of view.

Her thoughts had frozen and she became a drone.


That's a compound sentence. You need a comma.
______________________________________________________________________

I like how you and Audra-chan connected your stories, although she is rewriting hers right now. Aside from the few things I pointed out...it was shortness that was the problem. If someone hadn't read Audra's part of the story, they would be sorta confused and wouldn't get that same emotion. You didn't set this up...it all happened too fast. (Even though it was a flashback). What Sumi said up there.

Otherwise, it was good.

-the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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164 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Sat Jan 12, 2008 2:54 am
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AyumiGosu17 says...



Whoa, this is the old one! Dang! It's so much different! You're new one is a lot better, definately. You need to post it!!!
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  








I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison