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Chapter 6 - Mission (Part 1)



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Sat Jul 07, 2007 2:30 am
AyumiGosu17 says...



CHAPTER 6 MISSION

Later that evening, Ayumi stood alongside Emi, Kakashi, and another man and woman. All five listened attentively as the Hokage gave them their assignment.

“We have just received a message from an ANBU squad who had been tracking the Akatsuki” – Ayumi caught her breath – “They are in need of immediate assistance. You are to find and assist them. They were last in Bird Country heading towards Konoha.”

Ayumi tried to hide her anxiety. (Akatsuki? Why them of all people? And what about Itachi? What if we run into him? I won’t be able to choose
between them! God, what do I do?!)


Ayumi noticed that the Hokage kept Emi inside for a moment. Ayumi and Kakashi slowed their paces as they left the office, waiting for their friend. When Emi finally joined them, she took up the place Ayumi and Kakashi had left for her between them.

“What did he want?” Ayumi hoped to get an answer.

Emi only shook her head. She seemed to be thinking about something.
Ayumi turned her gaze to the path as Kakashi stared at his love, worry written across his face.

Ayumi took notice of how difficult it was for Emi to summon Glacies. Ayumi almost summoned her own dragon before Glacies finally made an appearance. The ninja settled on his back, and as the great dragon rose to glide on the wind, they turned to Emi. The other man, Asuma, spoke up.

“What did the Hokage want?”

Ayumi knew Emi lied before the blonde opened her mouth. “He said that I might have to use my medical techniques and we may encounter Akatsuki.”

Ayumi scowled, disappointed. “There’s more to it. What did he say?”

“That’s what he said.”

Ayumi growled to herself as she looked for Glacies’ mind. Having her own
dragon, she knew what to look for.

(She’s not herself. I know she’s lying!)

(You must be patient, Ayumi.) the dragon replied. (If something is wrong, she’ll talk about it before too long. I can tell you’re worried about
something, too.)


(It’s the Akatsuki. I fear what may happen if we end up fighting them.)

(You mean Itachi?)

Ayumi couldn’t respond.



Night fell, and Glacies touched down. Ayumi watched as Emi pat the dragon’s muzzle before he disappeared. The girl then helped Kurenai, the other woman, set up their tent before helping Ayumi prepare dinner. They ate in silence, and when all stomachs were full, the ninja went to bed.

Ayumi lay on her sleeping roll and pinched a twig that had been overlooked. The place she had touched lit with a small flame, a flame that glowed gold and advanced onto nothing else.

Kurenai sat up. “How’d you do that?”

Ayumi studied her before responding. “It’s my ho-hyoton. I can control fire just by thinking about it.”

“Like Emi can control water?”

“Exactly.”

When Ayumi reached into her pack and pulled out a pencil, pen, and eraser along with a journal, Kurenai watched silently. Her eyes lingered on the figure that steadily grew into a person and finally a realistic being.
When Ayumi erased all traces of the pencil that lay beneath the ink, it was as if he had been trapped on the page forever.

“Who is that?” Kurenai asked, studying the face framed by long hair.

“My brother.” Ayumi put the pen, pencil, and eraser away. “He was killed just six months ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I know you loved him…” She shrugged when Ayumi looked at her. “Kakashi told us about your little tussle.

They giggled, and Ayumi closed her journal. She put a hand over the flame, extinguishing it as they lay down to sleep.



Emi woke her just two hours later. Ayumi froze at the sight and smell of the dark, wet patches on her cousin.

“What’s wrong? You’re covered in blood!”

“Shh.” Emi gestured outside. Ayumi followed her to the campfire, where two
ANBU ninja lay unconscious.

“I need to see if there are anymore who need treatment,” Emi whispered.

Ayumi’s heart sank. “So you want me to watch them?”

“No, they’ll be fine here; you’re coming with me.”

Ayumi followed her to where Emi had found the two ninja. Ayumi’s gaze settled instantly on the thick, red trail that led into the forest. (Blood.)

“I found them bleeding profusely and their minds were scrambled. You know what this means, right?”

(Itachi.) Ayumi let her head droop as she remembered the times they had shared, tough and tender alike. Staring at a thickening trail of blood as they walked, Ayumi thought she saw Itachi, face splattered with blood, turn to look right into her eyes.

They found the remaining ninja, near dead or dying, in blood.

Emi looked at Ayumi. “We need to heal them and repair their minds. You do know how to repair minds, right?”

Ayumi shook her head. “Only wounds.”

“Then you heal them while I repair.”

Emi moved towards one man as Ayumi pulled her orange healing chakra up around her hands. When she knelt beside her first patient and ran her fingers across the wounds, they glowed and, layer by layer of muscle and flesh, began to heal. The process only took a couple of minutes, and Ayumi moved onto another ninja to do the same.

Usually it took Ayumi only an hour or so to heal fourteen people, but most of them were critically injured. Those always took longer, because Ayumi had to make sure every bone was fused, every muscle was intact, and every nerve was active before closing the skin to leave not even a scar. It took her almost four hours to heal them completely.

Ayumi sighed when she plopped onto the ground, chakra half depleted, and joints sore from kneeling so low constantly. The last thing she remembered seeing was Emi, on her knees by another ninja, eyes closed as she tended to his damaged mind…
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





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Sat Jul 07, 2007 6:12 pm
Prosithion says...



don't flood the forum. It's not nice.
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"
  





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Sun Jul 08, 2007 2:24 am
PsychicNinja says...



You need to PM when you post this!! I almost missed it!!
:D :D :D :D

Well, I really like this latest part! (And it's short :D )

I have a feeling that you are going to explore Ayumi's abilities more now. That's great!

Question: How can Ayumi telepathically communcate with the dragon?
Do they have some sort of mind link?
Just wonderin'.

Anyways,
keep up the good work!

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Sun Jul 08, 2007 2:51 am
AyumiGosu17 says...



[quote="PsychicNinja"]You need to PM when you post this!! I almost missed it!!
:D :D :D :D

Well, I really like this latest part! (And it's short :D )

I have a feeling that you are going to explore Ayumi's abilities more now. That's great!

Question: How can Ayumi telepathically communcate with the dragon?
Do they have some sort of mind link?
Just wonderin'.

Anyways,
keep up the good work!

~Timea[/quote]

Yeah, sorry I didn't PM you 'bout it...sorry!

Okay, if you liked this part, you're gonna LOVE the next! XD Action time!!! XDDD (with a BIG surprise at the end XXDDDD)

Yes, it's short because I'm dividing the chapters now. They're all pretty long, so it's easier to read them attentively if I split them up. Make sense?

Well, I think there's only one or two more major things to reveal about Ayumi, but yeah, there are a lot of minor abilities. Not too flashy; enough to keep the story believeable! (I hope...)

As for the dragon, yes, she sort of has a connection with him. Glacies is Argor's (Ayumi's own dragon) brother as well as Emi's (Ayumi's cousin) dragon summon. Through them, she has a connection. Not strong enough to be aware of everything going on in the dragon's world, but enough to talk with him. Make sense?

Thanks! I try! :)
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





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Sun Jul 08, 2007 10:48 pm
Dynamo says...



Not much to say about this chapter. I can't see anything wrong with the story or writing mechanics. Keep up the good work and I'll try to read the rest when I have the time and energy. I'm attending summer school for a new English credit course and it leaves me mentally drained after each day, so I make no promises!
Chicken <-- Egg <-- Rocket Powered Fist
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Mon Jan 07, 2008 3:58 am
PsychicNinja says...



Konbanwa, Audra-chan.

same old, same old:

“We have just received a message from an ANBU squad who had been tracking the Akatsuki” – Ayumi caught her breath – “They are in need of immediate assistance. You are to find and assist them. They were last in Bird Country heading towards Konoha.”


What's the time frame that this is taking place? The ninja in the Leaf village aren't aware of the Akatsuki's exsistence 'till Itachi-kun and Kisame show up in the village. Then Jiraiya tells all about spying on them and such. Plus, if they knew about before hand, they would definetly not send a new ninja from a rival village on a mission involving S-class criminals. I know you kinda want to make a story, but it doesn't make sense at all. It's a bit coincidental, don't you think? :wink:

(Akatsuki? Why them of all people? And what about Itachi? What if we run into him? I won’t be able to choose
between them! God, what do I do?!)


Very coincidental, yes? :wink:

the ninja went to bed.


That just sounds a bit strange. When i think about going to bed, I'm thinking in a nice warm house with a big bed...not camping...

Ayumi studied her before responding. “It’s my ho-hyoton. I can control fire just by thinking about it.”


Ayumi shoud say, "It's my kekkei genkai, my ho-hyoton..."

“Oh, I’m sorry. I know you loved him…” She shrugged when Ayumi looked at her. “Kakashi told us about your little tussle.


I'm not getting how random people who don't really know Ayumi are saying 'I know you loved him'.

They giggled, and Ayumi closed her journal.


I never really saw Kurenai as 'giggling' it just really fit into her personality.

And why did Ayumi just randomly draw her brother?

(Blood.)


You don't need to put thoughts in parenthasis (sp?), just put them in italics.

“We need to heal them and repair their minds. You do know how to repair minds, right?”


Only a very, very specialized and experienced medical ninja can heal mental wounds...like say Tsunade-sama. Itachi-kun's weapon is to mentally drain someone so they can't fight and just leave them to die. Bloody killing isn't really his way.

Ayumi shook her head. “Only wounds.”


You should say 'flesh wounds', since mental wounds are wounds too. ^^

Emi moved towards one man as Ayumi pulled her orange healing chakra up around her hands.


Any kind of healing chakra is green or..sometimes blue, but usually green. 'Orange' and 'red' chakra is reaserved for demon chakra..when it's the demon's chakra that is being used (separate than normal chakra)

Usually it took Ayumi only an hour or so to heal fourteen people, but most of them were critically injured.


Why are there so many ninja in one place? I mean ANBU mission are usually carried out in 3 or 4! Did all these wounded ninja come with Ayumi and Emi? That wouldn't have made sense to bring in a whole task force!

chakra half depleted


Treating that many people would leave anyone's chakra fully depleted and then some!

______________________________________________________________________

Overall, this was okay. Many of these components to your story are full of holes and don't make much sense. I found this part not as good as the rest, because many of the motives and stuff didn't make sense. I understand you need some way for Itachi&CO to meet Ayumi when she's w/Konoha ninja, but you should have done it way differently because it doesn't really make sense.

-the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  








A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden