z

Young Writers Society


Chapter 5 Part 3



User avatar
164 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 177
Reviews: 164
Mon Jun 18, 2007 5:33 pm
AyumiGosu17 says...



((Finally! Part 3 of Chapter 5 - Return to the Leaves))

“We’ll have to be careful, though. Shukaku is powerful, as expected, but part of his power flows through the boy,” a familiar, cool voice spoke in the distance.

“How much power?” another recognizable voice answered.

“There’s no true way to know how powerful he is, but I’m sure he’ll be a Jounin before his time,” a third young man responded. Ayumi could name this speaker instantly. It was Itachi.

Itachi spoke again. “We will have to be extremely careful, as Kisame has stated, but if anything does happen, abort the mission.”

“You talk as if you know you’ll fall first,” that was Deidara.

“I am the strongest on this squad, and the captain. It’s only smart to annihilate me first.”



Ayumi opened her eyes. “Itachi.”

She blinked, looking around her. She knew this place; it was a hospital room. At the foot of the bed, on a rolling table, was a vase with a few flowers. She tried to sit up, but her muscles and joints were stiff, and she had no strength. When she faltered, a friendly hand steadied her.

“Be still, Ayumi,” Iruka commanded. “You came really close to killing yourself last night.”

“Where’s Emi?” she groaned, laying back down. “And what time is it?”

“She’s in another room. She’s not as bad off as you! What were you two doing?!”

“Sparring.”

Iruka stared at her. “Sparring…left you with nearly collapsed lungs and heart, barely any chakra, dehydrated, and with strained muscles?”

Ayumi grinned, giggled painfully. “Yeah, we sort of don’t know when to stop.”

He scratched his chin. “I can tell.”

“Ayumi!” Sakura burst through the door, pink hair flying as she jumped to her side. “You scared the crap out of me! We didn’t think you were going to make it!”

Sasuke entered calmly behind her, dragging a flailing Naruto by the collar. Ayumi smiled at them, hoping it would calm Naruto down and to make a friendly impression on Sasuke.

“You’re pretty strong if you can pull through that,” Sasuke commented mildly.

“Of course she’s strong! She threw Kakashi-sensei into a wall!” Naruto squealed like a pursued mouse.

Ayumi groaned when her head pounded. (Great. A migraine.) Sakura noticed, and started lecturing Naruto.

Ayumi ignored the preteens as they argued, and her mind wandered. She thought about what she had heard just before she woke, but the more she dwelled on it, the less she discovered. All she could tell was Itachi and the others were going on a dangerous mission that could end with death. (Itachi, don’t you die on me!)

Iruka’s hand on her arm brought her back to the real world.

“We’re going out for lunch; we’ll be back in a little while, okay?” he spoke while Sakura punched Naruto.

Ayumi nodded, smiling faintly. “I would join you if I weren’t so weak.”

“It’s okay. You need to rest.”

Iruka stood and took Naruto by the arm, leading him from the room.

Sakura took a seat on the bed beside Ayumi, and Sasuke leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. No one spoke for a while, which gave Ayumi a chance to get over her headache. She could feel her chakra returning, even if bit by bit.

“We’re sorry about Haku,” Sasuke finally muttered.

“Yeah. We didn’t want to fight him, and he nearly killed Sasuke…before he…” Sakura stammered, choking on tears.

“Jumped in the way,” Ayumi finished her sentence. “He made that choice.
It’s not your fault he died protecting someone close to him.”

Sakura smiled faintly, a single tear falling from her eyes. Sasuke looked at the ground, avoiding their gazes. He pushed away from the wall and stood straight as someone knocked on the door. At Ayumi’s consent, Kakashi
walked into the room.

“Ah, you’re awake! That’s good,” he spoke warmly, putting a hand behind his neck again.

“Good morning to you, too,” Ayumi answered, trying to be friendly.

“Make that afternoon. It’s nearly two!”

Ayumi stared at him, awestricken. “Two?!”

He nodded. Sakura just glanced between him and Ayumi.

Kakashi spoke again. “Emi’s worried sick about you. You could’ve killed yourselves.”

“I know. How is she?”

“She’s out looking for you. She’s fine.”

Ayumi closed her eyes. “That’s good. I’ll probably be here a while longer…”

“Understandable. Iruka told me how weak you are.”

“I hate it.”

They laughed at that.

Ayumi didn’t hear Kakashi’s response, for she dozed off to sleep again.



The next morning, Ayumi was released from the hospital. Despite her protests, Iruka escorted her back to her apartment. When she asked him why he kept insisting, he just shrugged. “We are friends, aren’t we?”
To her surprise, Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke met them halfway to her apartment. Ayumi was astounded that even one of them considered her a friend after just two days in Konoha.

Ayumi sat on the couch between Sasuke and Sakura while Kakashi and Iruka each took a chair. She was still sore and slightly weak, but she was glad she was home.

Her visitors stayed with her, even through lunch, when Ayumi convinced them to go out to eat. They all made their way to a restaurant near the hot springs, and sat all at one table. Ayumi and Sakura sat on one side, Kakashi and Iruka on the other, and Sasuke in between them.

“I’m actually surprised you’re up for all this,” Iruka commented between mouthfuls.

Ayumi swallowed, grinning. “I’m stronger than I look. Ask Kakashi.”

Iruka looked at him, single eyebrow raised.

Kakashi nodded, smiling beneath his mask. “She nearly knocked me out when we first met. She threw me against a brick wall.”

Ayumi laughed at the others’ expressions, mouths agape and eyes almost popping out of their skulls in surprise. They began to laugh with her, and soon all eyes were on them.

Still chuckling, Iruka spoke up. “Ayumi, we’ve got good news!”

Ayumi tried to stop laughing. “What?”

“I graded your test yesterday, and you passed with a high enough score to go ahead and graduate!”

Ayumi stared at him, wide-eyed with shock. “You serious?”

He nodded, and Ayumi squealed her excitement. Everyone at the table jumped, wincing at her sudden outburst. They began to laugh again when she started dancing in her seat.

“I suppose you graduated,” Emi suddenly spoke, sighing at Ayumi’s behavior. Ayumi looked up to her cousin standing just inside the door.

“Was I that loud?” Ayumi called, face burning in embarrassment.

Emi giggled. “I could hear you across the street!”

Ayumi snapped. “Dang!” (I need to work on that!)

Emi smirked, pulling a black scroll from her pocket. She held it out to Ayumi. “Got something for you.”

Ayumi, excited once more, snatched it away from her as if it had been stolen. “Yay!”

As she began to unroll it, she thought of the many things it could mean, but her heart slowed as she read through it. She knew what it meant, and she knew what she would have to do. If the Hokage needed her for an S-ranked mission, she would not disappoint him.

“When do we leave?” Ayumi asked firmly.

“In a couple of hours,” was Emi’s answer.

“What are we doing?”

“I don’t know.”

Ayumi stood and laid her share of the bill on the table. Before she left, she looked from Iruka to Kakashi and then Emi.

“I’ll be in my apartment, getting ready. Come get me when it’s time.”
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





User avatar
195 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 195
Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:13 am
PsychicNinja says...



yay! This sounds great! I can't wait to read the next part!
PM me with it!

Anyways, a few things..
I forgot to mention this on the last one:
You might have a little more explaining to do on Emi's byakugan/sharigan. and you still haven't explained Ayumi's byakugan! No rush..just saying.
The character interplay is still good.
I think this is really setting up the story now!
Can't wait for the next bit!
~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





User avatar
103 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 4119
Reviews: 103
Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:30 am
Dynamo says...



You may not have noticed but you did something good. You shortened the length of this post. All your other posts were pretty long and, sadly, a little tedious to sit through. I know how you feel though, I do the same in my FF8 fan fiction. You want to make the chapter exciting to ready and end it with some sort of event that keeps the reader on edge and eagerly awaiting the next one. It may or may not be easy for you to shorten your chapters, I don't know, but it's definitely easier for the readers to read it all without losing interest half-way through. When that happens they tend to start skimming the dialog.

Other than that, keep up the good work.
Chicken <-- Egg <-- Rocket Powered Fist
Take that, science!
  





User avatar
195 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 195
Mon Jan 07, 2008 3:17 am
PsychicNinja says...



Konbanwa, Audra-chan.

You probably get how I crit things now ^_^:

“I am the strongest on this squad, and the captain. It’s only smart to annihilate me first.”


You might get by now that the Akatsuki travel in pairs, and since they're such strong ninja, they do missions in pairs. And in the first quote, I wouldn't really describe Kisame's voice as 'cool'.

“Of course she’s strong! She threw Kakashi-sensei into a wall!” Naruto squealed like a pursued mouse.


Sorry, this part made me laugh a little. ^^

Ayumi ignored the preteens as they argued, and her mind wandered.


Hm...maybe you should refer to them as young teens, since they are practically teenagers.

“Yeah. We didn’t want to fight him, and he nearly killed Sasuke…before he…” Sakura stammered, choking on tears.


She's a ninja...even though Sakura's a little weak on the 'no emotions' part, I don't really think she should be choking on tears.

Ayumi was astounded that even one of them considered her a friend after just two days in Konoha.


Yeah, I'd probably be really astonished, too. I mean here's a girl who just randomly walks into the Leaf Village and asks to be trained...

To her surprise, Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke met them halfway to her apartment.


I understand Sakura, ya know, befriending Ayumi and stuff, but it really isn't in Sasuke's nature...and Kakashi's neither..

Ayumi and Sakura sat on one side, Kakashi and Iruka on the other, and Sasuke in between them.


You should do an indirect explanation of where they all sit. It makes it flow better. Oh...and where's Emi? Shouldn't she be with Kakashi?
^_~ :P :P

:roll: :roll:

Ayumi stared at him, wide-eyed with shock. “You serious?”

He nodded, and Ayumi squealed her excitement. Everyone at the table jumped, wincing at her sudden outburst.


Honestly, didn't she kinda know that she was gonna pass. I mean she can hold her own against Kakashi-kun and Itachi-kun acknowledges her..so she wouldn't be so surprised.

Ayumi, excited once more, snatched it away from her as if it had been stolen. “Yay!”


Um...is Ayumi high or something...? jk jk

If the Hokage needed her for an S-ranked mission, she would not disappoint him.


Okay, big black hole here. Ninja that just randomly enter the Leaf Village from the Mist Village, even if she is Emi's cousin (who sorta just randomly entered this village as well) would not be given ANBU rank missions. S-ranks are specially for ANBU and very highly skilled ninja, who the Hokage knows has full allegiance to Konoha and the Land of Fire. Just statin' the facts. ^^

“In a couple of hours,” was Emi’s answer.


Didn't Ayumi and Emi just heal from terrible injuries...and then get sent out on a S-rank mission...?!

_______________________________________________________________________

Overall, I liked it because it was shorter than your previous posts, as Dynamo said. You were a little off on the personalities of the Naruto characters. It didn't quite flow right with them. And at the end there, Ayumi seems a little out of character..and...high...
Anyway,
keep writing!

-the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  








Shady's wall is now the Randomosity forum in a nut shell
— alliyah