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Führer - Prologue.



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Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:21 am
TyrinEthril says...



Führer
A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfic.


By: D.M Rowell

Prologue: One Fell out of Line.

War, a conflict carried on by force of arms, between nations or between parties within a nation; warfare, as by land, sea, or sky. A State or period of armed hostility or active military operations. A contest carried on by force of arms, as in a series of battles or campaigns. A struggle. A battle.
War, is the current state of this country; Amestris, land locked between many countries. Drachma, to the cold north. Creta, to the West, Aerugo to the South. Old Ishbal, The Desert of Xerxes, and the nation of Xing, all to the sandy, desert east. Unfortunately, Amestris was in the Center of all the above countries.
War wasn’t a big deal for the Amestrians until Führer President King Bradley became Führer, and then war became their lives.
If the country of Amestris wasn’t all about war, they could be at peace with their neighboring countries.
But then again, they take advantage of what they have above the other countries; Alchemy. They use this almost magical science as a weapon, above all else. Führer President King Bradley founded the alchemists of the state, though he wasn’t an alchemist himself. These “State Alchemists” are the human weapons of Amestris, an advantage Amestris has over all the other surrounding countries.
The source of the power of Alchemy isn’t completely known. Rather, it isn’t specified which of the many theories are correct. Some say souls were sealed to earth and are being used. Others say it uses the same power as what creates earthquakes and storms. Some say it comes from a world beyond the gate. Whatever the correct answer was, it seemed that it could only be used in Amestris, and apparently originated there as well.

This war started in the Far East, in Xing.

Xing is a desert country, beyond the Great Desert. The only two ways to get from Xing to Amestris, and vice versa, is to either cross the Great Desert and the Old Ishbal Ruins and sneak into Amestris, which is considerably more dangerous than the other route, which is to go the long way around through and around the Arcana’s Sea, southeast of Amestris.
The structure of the country of Xing is a single emperor, with all the clans to become Emperor or Empress. The Xingese will choose their new Emperor when Immortally is discovered, and brought to their currently dying emperor.
Xing also has a form of alchemy, called Rendashu, which originated from medicine. It uses a force called lungmei, which is the constant moving and spinning of the earth and the Earth’s crust and mantle, which is different from Amestris’s alchemy.

But on with the war.

It isn’t illegal to go into Xing, and vice versa, so other’s, with passports, can enter each other’s borders without minimal to no trouble. A small team of Amestrian soldiers, only four, were placed in Amestris at a Xing Outpost in the south district. They were hand picked by the new Führer President, Tyrin Ethril, the Arcane Fist Alchemist, and the new Führer of Amestris. These four soldiers were; the now Major General Riza Hawkeye, the State Alchemist Major Zolf Naeright, Second Lieutenant Kai Sentel, and Private Elma Zolf, all dispatched from Central only a year ago.

But one stepped out of line.

They had been placed there a full year, when an order for Zolf Naeright to return to Central came in from an “unknown source and location” for him to return to Central.
Central is the capitol city of Amestris, where the most military activity takes place, and is also where the Führer’s estate and office resides, and the main military dorms and Central Headquarters.
Life, however, in Xing was a lot easier than in Amestris, as water is to the East, and the rest is surrounded by uninhabited desert, they don’t go to war often, and they’re currently at peace with the war-bound Amestris.
Zolf Naeright, the Red Metal Alchemist, had been sent to Xing with the three others, for his instability around most military officials, after his wife had been sentenced to death a few years ago when Führer King Bradley had been the head of the country. He was removed from Amestris’s military based environment. But for some reason, after a full year, even without Tyrin giving the order, he was to be shipped back to Central, the most Military filled place in Amestris.
Upon his receiving of this order, Red Metal instantly clawed the throat of the officer whom gave him the radio receiver, Private Elma Zolf.
The Private’s throat was slashed out with claws, which Red Metal created almost instantly, practically at the same moment he attacked. These claws were created from alchemy, seeing as Red Metal was a State Alchemist.
Alchemy is preformed by use of a transmutation circle, which is basically a circle with certain runes and symbols in it, allowing the Alchemist to transmute, to change or manipulate matter, to put it simply.
Red metal’s specialty with alchemy is creating metal form the iron in blood, similar to the former State Alchemist Brigadier General Basque Grand, who was killed by the State Alchemist killer, Scar.

Red Metal’s ability activated, via a transmutation circle on a wristband on his right hand. Out of anger, he transmuted his human hand into an Iron claw, and killed Private Elma.
After that, Second Lieutenant Kai Sentel pulled his Winchester Lever-action rifle out, as Major General Riza Hawkeye ran to escape, Kai covering her. Red metal quickly eliminated the Second Lieutenant beyond recognition, as he charged into the street.
He ran through the streets, almost in a feral way, slashing anyone whom he saw in his blind fury. The Major General, Riza Hawkeye, was the same Riza Hawkeye that supported Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist, which obviously states his alchemic skill, the same old hero of Ishbal.
After the attack from the Thule Society, or the “outsiders,” Hawkeye was promoted to Major General, by order of Tyrin, three months after the attack.
The Thule Society wasn’t very well known, to our side or their side of the gate. Even the massive country of Amestris doesn’t know, and no particular individuals know either.
Not too long after that, the new Führer, Tyrin Ethril, took over.

Red Metal was slaughtering everyone he met in the South District of Xing, until he came to a Xing Official’s home, where he walked in, as the man, slightly tanned skin, graying black hair, grey eyes, wearing black slacks and a white jacket, stood up from the chair he was in, the chair falling backwards onto the floor. The man was also six feet tall; the low ceiling almost reaching his head.
But none of that saved him from a bloody death. The man’s blood splattered against Zolf’s claw, as life faded from the official’s eyes.

There was a gunshot, glass shattering, a whoosh, and a grazing sound, and a yelp of pain. Major General Riza Hawkeye had shot threw the window of the building, just hitting Zolf’s arm, missing her original target of his heart. The sound of glass shattering echoed, Zolf Naeright Falling dead.
Hawkeye had a hell of a problem on her hands now, especially with the severity of what Zolf Naeright did just then. It wasn’t just the civilians Amestris will suffer for. The single acts of this one man may have doomed an entire country in one swift attack.
Zolf Naeright, the Red metal Alchemist, started one of many forced wars to come. Xing soon declared war against Amestris, with counts of excessive violent, lack of official control, killing a military officer, killing a healer, disturbing the peace, and the responsibility of three dead Amestrian black ops units, and another injured from crowd dispersal.
Whomever’s fault this was, it wasn’t the Führer’s or Red Metal’s. It was whoever made that order to drag Red Metal to Central. Surprisingly enough, Hawkeye took the right course of action in killing Major Naeright, the Red Metal Alchemist.

“Our plan is falling into action, my lord,” A man, around sixty years old now, his black hair short and held back, walked into the dim light of the spherical room.
“Good, Pride,” An old man, looking centuries old, grinned. “Xing will be the second to fall. Two down, three to go.”
“What are your orders, sir?” The man was wearing an Amestrian Military Uniform, and had multiple katanas at each side. There was a black eye-patch over his right eye,
“Nothing for now, Pride,” The man walked to the center of the room, a large transmutation circle made of redwood was slightly elevated, swirling lines and arcane symbols among the regular hardwood floor. “The plan has already fallen into action. Now we have to wait for destiny to finish the equation.”
“Yes sir,” Pride started to walk out of the brown, spherical room. “What are we going to do with Tyrin?”
“Let him continue being Führer for now,” The old man grinned. “We’ll deal with him at the fall of Drachma.”
“Drachma?” Pride seemed both confused and interested. “The barbaric country behind the mountains? I would have done it during my own reign but-“
“-But you couldn’t find a way through the mountains. I know,” The man’s grinned still did not fade. “But now we’ve got the second Arcane Fist Alchemist, Pride.”
“True.”

“Well, damnit,” Hawkeye was looking over the corpse of Red Metal. His eyes were blood shot, a bullet directly between them. “This isn’t going to go over well with Central,” Hawkeye sighed, unloading her rifle. She walked over to the healer’s corpse, looking at it carefully, in case she had to make a report on the event of the murder.
His jugular was slashed, no other open wounds present. “A single slash killed him…?” Hawkeye really didn’t want to do this, but she didn’t have much of a choice. She reached into the jacket, pulling out a number of push knives. “No identification?” Hawkeye seemed confused. An official should at least have an identification of some kind, yet this official didn’t. Just her luck. “This day is just getting worse and worse, I swear,” She heard a cracking sound, and ran outside into the street.
There was a mob of citizens, all armed, staring at Hawkeye. “Get her!”
Hawkeye ran back into the building, loading her rifle. “Damnit!” She growled. She couldn’t just shoot into a crowd. She’d get Amestris even into more trouble than Red Metal did.

End of Prologue.
  





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Fri Dec 07, 2007 6:01 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot says...



Welcome to the YWS!

Firstly, it's common courtesy here to critique at least two pieces of other's work before posting your own, and keeping that ratio; it's what makes the site so efficient.

Secondly, FMA! Ach, I love FMA! And you are awesome because you like FMA too. There is a Animanga usergroup -- check it out, won't you?

Ahem.

Starting again --

Firstly, this is Text Block of Doom and not groovy. It actually hurts to see something this thrown-together -- it's impossible to read and just makes the entire thing seem clunkier. The general YWS dialogue spacing is --

"*Random dialogue*," said *Random Person*.

*Random person* *random action*.

"*More random dialogue*," *dialogue tag*.

It's so we can skip to the interesting scenes, don't'cha know. ;) Feel the Text Chi!
Show and don't tell! Give us scenes, dialogues, and characters. Convey the information through the story -- this is a writer's forum for fiction, fanfiction, not a history slash geographic lecture on the FMA world. Let the story unfold itself.

Secondly, even worse, it's infodump for most of it. Infodump is basically a long paragraph where you unceremoniously dump information onto the reader.
Being a seasoned FMA reader, I can understand what you're trying to convey with the country spacing and all, but anyone who just clicked the link out of curiousity will be seriously confused.

Cut away all the explanations and 'dumps -- advertise it as a FMA fic so those who know the series will read. Basic strategy.


Also, as a crazy FMA reader, I noticed some things that didn't hang --


1. I think you're watching the anime, which doesn't make sense, because you mention Xing in such detail. The Fuhrer is Wraith in the manga. Xing and Xiao Mei and Lin are in the manga. The Fuhrer as Pride is the anime. Eh? You've got to work off one canon and ignore the other, especially if the anime ended before the manga.

2. What about van Hohenheim's look-alike, Father? Doesn't he control the Homunculi? (There are serious spoilers surrounding that guy, so I won't go into more detail.)

3. Er... Drachma. Creta. Amestris. Xing. What about Ishval?

4. Oops. Just skimmed back over it... you mentioned the Thule society from the movie. Dude. Like I said, you have to pick one canon and go with it. This is a mishmash of both versions. It would also be nice for you to specify?


Right -- work on showing, spacing and dividing canon. ^_^

Good luck, and cheers! I'll be keeping an eye out for the next part.

~Sumi
ohmeohmy
  





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Fri Dec 07, 2007 9:10 pm
kokobeans says...



I've not seen or read Full metal alchemist (I assume that's FMA). Is this a novel version of FMA or is it just based on the idea?

I do like the beginning, expecially the repetition and definition of war, and for a while it was easy enough to follow the ideas, so that's a good start.

I'd recommend leaving a blank line between each paragraph, it makes the whole thing appear less scary.
As 'someone who just clicked the link out of curiosity', I am confused. Maybe you could space this out and turn the lengthy explanation into a few short scenes.

I quite like your style of writing, let me know if you rewrite this, I'd love to read it.
  





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Fri Dec 07, 2007 9:53 pm
TyrinEthril says...



Well, Ishval was technecally taken apart after the war, and ended up annexed into Amestris. It's better explained in Chapter 1. The Prolouge just tells you about the state of the country. There's not a whole lot of action until later though, when you run into Dracon Hellfire and Zaira Adurus-Hellfire and the such.
In the name of the Arcanum, and that which encompasses my wrath and rage, may the darkness in my final blow eliminate the darkness of the enemies whom face me now.
  








The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
— Anonymous