Young Writers Society

A wolf and his girl
by Maki-Chan m

Chapter 2
A wolf's disguise

It was early morning when Ruki woke up, and the sun had just risen up into the sky making it a rosy color. She hopped off the couch and made her way to the kitchen area. The girl walked to the cabinet and grabbed the bread, two plates, a cup and a bowl. Then she grabbed the milk from the fridge. Once Ruki grabbed all of the stuff she needed she filled the bowl half way with milk and placed three loaves of bread on the plate. The girl walked over to the wolf's bed.
"I bet some body's hungry." She said loudly.

She placed the bowl and plate by the bed making a loud clunk. The bed moved.
"Hey, don't make so much noise when a wounded person is sleeping." He moaned.
The man sat up out of the bed. Ruki stared at him. The stranger in her house was a tall black haired, tan skinned man, he seemed about in his 20s'. Her eyes widened. Even though he was slouched in the pillow and blanket bed the man had incredible beauty, Ruki never seen such a handsome man before. Her face turned pale as thoughts of past memories of gang members stealing from her again filled her head.

" Oh my god! There's a strange man in my house!" She screamed.
She grabbed a pillow on the ground by her feet. She threw it at him in hope of her making him leave. It whacked him in the face, and plopped on his lap. He grabbed it and threw it behind him.
"Hey! Don't do that!" He yelled.

Ruki kept screaming." Shut up RUKI!" He yelled.
He made a slight growling noise. Ruki trembled. The man in her house made the same growling noise as the wolf she found. Ruki soon noticed the bandgeses that covered him." M..m..Mr. Wolf?" She squeezed out.
She fell to the ground. She couldn't believe this was the wolf she took care of.
" But you where a wolf but now your a guy. Which are you?" She asked.
" I'm a wolf." He answered.

" But how? With the face, clothing and aposalbe thumbs!" She yelled.
He just sighed." You're really annoying. I'm a wolf in disguise."
"How do you do that?" She yelled in excitment.
He rubbed his head." Its just a skill us wolves have."
Ruki was very confused but she tried to understand."Ok. That makes sense! So, Mr. Wolf, what happened to you?" Ruki asked.
"You know I do have a name." He moaned.
Ruki's eyes became large.

" OOOhhh. What is it?" She asked.
He grabbed a slice of bread from the plate." I don't have to tell you."
"awwww...." Ruki whined.
" But I don't like you calling me Mr. Wolf so, its Raven." He sighed.
Ruki smiled at Raven. He looked away as he ate the bread. Ruki grabbed her cup of milk and her plate with bread on it. They both ate sitting on the ground near each other.

Ruki was very thankful for the company, while Raven was just thankful for the free grub.
" You never told me why your where so hurt when I found you." Ruki stated.
Raven shoved down the last slice of bread.
" You know what..." He said slowly.
Ruki leaned closer.
" I won't tell you." He finished.
Ruki fell over in disbelief. Raven stared at her with a little bit of annoyance. Ruki quickly got back up.
" Why won't you tell me?" She yelled.
Raven finished the milk in the bowl. Which looked like he drank as if he was a real human being.
"Its my business, not yours."
Ruki sighed.

"Aw, why can't you tell me?" She asked.
Raven stood up. He towered over the girl. Ruki gasped, Raven was waring a white T shirt, a dark pair of jeans and white sneaker.
"What?" He asked.
"You're tall." She stated.
Raven stared at her." You're strange."
He walked towards the door. Ruki got up an ran towards him.
"Where are you going?" She asked.
He turned towards her.
"Why should I tell you?" He asked.
"I save your life, you owe me!" She yelled.
"No you can't come with me!" He yelled.
He motioned towards the door, but Ruki grabbed his hand.
" Please don't go. Don't leave me all alone." She pleaded.

Her big brown eyes where filled with sadness and started to tear up. Thoughts of being all alone again, filled her mind. Raven stared at her. Even though he wasn't very nice to her. He still felt sad that such a little kid like her knew such feelings of lonelyness.
Raven turned the door knob. He pushed the door open. Ruki squeezed his hand. He moved forward and his hand slipped out of her hand. He was outside the door. He turned to face Ruki. He raised his hand towards her.
" Well, are you coming?" He asked.
Ruki smiled as she reached for his hand and walked out the door.

Maki-Chan wrote: It was early morning when Ruki woke up. The sun had just risen up into the sky.

There's nothing specifically wrong with these sentences, but I think you could definitely spice them up a little bit. How about saying something like this:
'It was early morning when Ruki woke up, and the first lights of dawn had just bathed the world in their warm light.'

Maki-Chan wrote: She walked to the cabinet and grabbed the bread and two plates. She grabbed a cup and a bowl. Then she grabbed the milk from the fridge. She filled the bowl half way with milk and placed three loaves of bread on the plate. She walked over to the wolf's bed.

Again, these are grammatically correct sentences, but many of them start with 'She'. It just boring to read. So, I think you could improve the flow and make it more interesting.

Maki-Chan wrote:" I bet some body's hungry." She said loudly.
She placed the bowl and plate by the bed making a loud clunk. The bed moved.
" Hey don't make so much noise when a wounded person is sleeping." He moaned.
The man sat up out of the bed. Ruki stared at him. Her eyes widened. Her face turned pale.

Just a tip: Don't leave a space between the quotation marks and the dialogue. (Don't do this: " Hey. " Do this: "Hey.")

MakiChan wrote:" Oh my god! There's a strange man in my house!" She screamed.
She grabbed a pillow on the ground by her feet. She threw it at him. It whacked him in the face.

Ok, this sentence is rather bland.
To make it more interesting, I would suggest describing the man; how did he look like? What did she think of him? Was he asleep, or awake?
Also, we know she's shocked and afraid that there's a strange man in her house, but we need to know why. What is she afraid of?

Maki-Chan wrote: Ruki fell over. Raven stared at her with a little bit of annoyance. Ruki quickly got back up.
" Why won't you tell me?" She yelled.

Umm..why did she fall over? You should say something like: "She fell over in shock'. Also, what's with all the yelling? We need to know why she's suddenly so..yelling-ish.

Maki-Chan wrote: Which looked like he drank like a person.

That sentence doesn't make sense... What exactly do you mean?

Maki-Chan wrote: " Why should I tell you." He asked.
"I save your life, you owe me!" She yelled.

For the first sentence, you really should add an exclamation mark, since he's asking a question.
Also, in the second bit of dialogue, it should be "I saved your life".

Maki-Chan wrote:He was still very kind hearted and he had compaction for other living things.

'Compaction'? Did you mean Compassion?

Maki-Chan wrote: Ruki squeezed his hand.

Why the sudden affection? We need to know more of her feelings towards him.

--------------------------

Ok...
Well, I hope I don't sound too harsh:

IMAGERYL
You desperately need more setting descriptions and details to make this interesting.
For example; what does her house look like? What does she look like?
We really have no idea how this wolf-man looks. All we know is that he is tall...

EMOTION:
We have very little idea how Ruki feels throughout this. You should really add more of what she's thinking and feeling.

-To be continued-

thanks. I will improve this later. Hopefully soon. Thank you for the truth!

First of all I think you need to make it more obvious that there is a man in her house not a wolf...

You don't really say "ah there is a man in my house!" when you are afraid!
You should also think about how he said "well you know I have a name." he is basically telling her to ask him what his name is. So it s kinda pointless for him to refuse to tell her after she asks.

You said that Ruki sighed after he would not tell her about his injuries and then she wined.
I think you need to pick one emotion and stick with it!

This dude transformed from a wolf... where did he get the clothes. Maybe Ruki could ask?

You say Ruki this Raven that to much! You have to think up other things...

Isn't Raven hurt? Can you tell us how he magically got better again? Or are you going to add little curses of pain or limps etc?

How-come she is so attached to this random man so quickly? Maybe she feels some relation?

Oh and maybe once he lets her come she should say something like

"I knew you would soften up!"

Or something!

-Keep on writing!
Genevieve
xxx

you see in wolf's rain when they transform from wolf to human they already have clothing on and wolf's heal very fast in the anime series and Raven' tough.


Ruki is a bit clingy very emtional, mood swings! and she likes to know stuff.

Okay. That's clears things up!
Thanks

Wow -- great idea for a story! I have only one complaint, and that is that it doesn't look like you proof read your work before posting. If you don't have a spell checker, YWS has one all ready for you. Next time you go to submit something, when you cursor is hovering over the 'submit' button, move it to the right by a couple buttons, and ta-da! You've found the handy-dandy spell check!
Now be warned. I'm going to nit-pick your masterpiece to pieces.

Ruki walked to the cabinet and grabbed the bread and two plates. She grabbed a cup and a bowl. Then she grabbed the milk from the fridge.

She did this. She did this. She did this.
Try:

Ruki went to the cabinet and grabbed some bread, two plates, a cup, and a bowl. Then she grabbed the milk from the fridge.

NIT PICK

Even though he was slowched in the pillow and blanket bed the man had incretible beauty, Ruki never seen such a handsum man before.

Slouched, incredible, and handsome are the words you’re looking for. There are a bunch of errors like this throughout your story, so go re-read and try to pick them out. If all else fails, try putting it through YWS’s spell checker. If you still have issues, put it through Google doc.’s spell checker.

I apologize if this wasn’t what you were going for, but the following quote had me laughing:

" Oh my god! There's a strange man in my house!" She screamed.

Imagine yourself for a moment. You’re going to give an animal its breakfast, but when you go into the room, you find, not the animal, but a man. Your house has a history of being broken into by gangs. What do you do? Most people do at least one of the following:
a) grab a weapon of some sort
b) head for the door
c) if you have to verbalize, it tends to be in the form of a scream or an exclamation (Oh my God!) not a statement (there’s a strange man in my house!)
However, if you were going for comedy, which is fine, you did a good job.

It whacked him in the face. It plopped on his lap

Try

It whacked him in the face and plopped on his lap.

Flows a bit better, don’t you think? Try to include more sentences like that in here. Instead of saying “She did this. She did this,” like a robot, try saying “she did this and this” or instead of saying “She did this. This happened,” try putting “She did this and this happened”, or “Doing this, this happened.” It’s more compact, looks better, reads better, and gets the same message across. Try to go back and change any robotic sentences you find.

"M..m..Mr. Wolf?" She squeezed out.
She fell to the ground. She couldn't believe this was the wolf she took care of.

Wow. She sure came to this conclusion fast. Just because the guy says her name, that makes him the wolf? If given point blank facts and evidence, I think I would still have a hard time accepting the fact that this guy was once a wolf. All he does is says her name, and she jumps to it. Maybe put in a little more transition?

Ruki was very confused but she tried to understand. "Ok. That makes sense!"
" So Mr. Wolf what happened to you?" Ruki asked.

Something’s fishy here…
Okay. She’s very confused and doesn’t understand. She’s trying, but she doesn’t get it. “Okay. That makes sense!” doesn’t really fit the picture we have. Comedy is great, if this is what you were going for. If not, I, once again, apologize if I offended your writing skills by even suggesting such a thought. From there, she asks what happened to him. If she’s still talking, to avoid confusion, you should put her dialogue in one set of quotation marks:

Ruki was very confused but she tried to understand.
"Ok. That makes sense! So, Mr. Wolf, what happened to you?" Ruki asked.

Also press the ‘enter’ or ‘return’ key. Just a typo, but still…

Ruki fell over in shock

Why is she shocked? So far, Raven’s been pretty consistent. That’s not to say she should have seen it coming, but that if she falls down (good reaction, by the way) make it of something other than shock.

"Awww why can't you tell me?" She asked

Try deleting a few of those ‘W’s until you only have one left. Then add a comma, like so:

“Aw, why can’t you tell me?” She asked

DANGER

The little girl just couldn't take the thought of someone leaving her all alone again.

Ack! I can see what you were trying to go for, most definitely! No doubt! But the way you went about it…
This is an example of how not to get your readers to go “Aw…” The only reason the narrator should say something like that is if they’re the narrator’s thoughts and the narrator is a character, or if the narrator is stating someone else’s thoughts, like, say, Raven’s. If these are Raven’s thoughts, then they can stay. If not, delete them. The narrator, if it's not a character, is there to state what happened and what point and why, and occasionally what the characters’ thoughts were. The narrator is not there to make characters pull out the big eyes like Puss in Boots at the appropriate moment. It takes away from their… human-ness. Yes, that’s a word. I just used it.

Even though he wasn't very nice to her. He was still very kind hearted and he had compassion for other living things.

Somehow, this feels like it’s going against his character. I mean, really, really grinding against it. My opinion is that you should delete this, as well as the puppy eyes line above and replace it with something like him feeling guilty, or some other feeling that’s consistent with who he is.

Almost done! Jeez, this thing is long.

Over all, despite all the stuff I pointed out, I really liked it and I do think the idea is great. I think that if you were to tidy it up a bit and brush up on your commas, you would have something really good here.

Thank you very much, I like the way people point out what is wrong. Its like having a lot of editors I shall start working on the miss ups right away!