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Star Wars Fanfiction Invasion of Solari Pt. 2



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Fri Jul 27, 2007 8:00 pm
thethinkerofthoughts says...



"CHARGE!"
The depleted units of stormtroopers charged with a last valliant stand for glory, until he arrived.
"For the Empire!" they shouted in unison, forming a blockade that smashed through a group of rebels with such force many were dispersed further back. Swiftly regaining their footing, the Alliance's troops fought back, advanced inward so as to corner the remaining Imperial troops with their rifles. They outnumbered them by some one hundred infantrymen.
However, the Empire showed no fear and despite depletions still drove forward with strength and valour; a speeder bike zoomed past above rocky ground, a scout trooper taking out numerous rebels. There may have only been a few dozen Imperial troops left, but they showed no sign of backing down because they knew he was coming.... Darth Vader would save them.

*****

Aboard the Death Star, Vader was pacing up and down every deck of the ship, following his senses that would lead him to the Jedi. It was leading him closer. Vader's target was just behind the blast doors. Pressing the button, Vader braced himself, readily branding his lightsabre.
As the door opened and vanished into a panel in the ceiling, Vader turned on his lightsabre, the crimson blade illuminating the dark corridor in front of him. The force told him his prey should be right in that spot, but where could he be.
Just as Vader looked up at the ceiling, the Jedi launched himself from it and landed on Vader with his sabre millimetres from the black mask worn by the Sith. Vader, looking alarmed, blasted him into the next room using the force.
The intruder swiftly closed the door but it was useless as Vader tore through the centre with the sabre, sending a large chunk of burning metal into the Jedi's face.
He attempted to send a pillar toppling onto Vader, but Darth countered and the hurled it at the intruder, whose burnt face could not see as it came crashing into him, through the wall and onto the main bridge.
On either side of the thin but stable bridge were what appeared to be infinite drops into oblivion. At the end on both sides were gigantic turbines which were stationed outside the engine room. The great gusts they generated blew through the Jedi's long hair
Vader spun around, hs lightsabre aiming to slash his opponent's torso, but the man's crafty manoveuring and quick page made him a tough duelist. He led Vader across the bridge, parrying and blocking with excellent precision, as confirmed by Darth Vader.
"You are well-trained to survive for this long against me, the greatest lightsabre duelist of all time," taunted Vader, but with a small amount of respect.
"Yes, replied the Jedi, smiling.
Darth Vader noticed why, confused and perplexed, despite his claims of supposed superiority. In a manic act of aggresive rage, Vader jabbed his sabre forcefully into the rival's chest, the blade piercing through the man's body. The wounded duelist cried out in agony.
Satisfied, a grin came over Darth Vader's face. A few minutes later, just before the delivery of the final blow, it was suddenly erased.
"WHAT ARE YOU?" he bellowed.
  





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Fri Jul 27, 2007 8:11 pm
Ego says...



Vader seemed out of character. He doesn't have an ego, so he probably wouldn't say "the greatest lightsabre duelist of all time."

Furthermore, while he doesn't have an ego, he is very confident in his abilities. He probably wouldn't need to "brace himself" for the oncoming battle. He would merely accept it.

As for structure, you would benefit from double spacing your paragraphs, as I have here--it makes for a smoother read on your audience's part.

Your wording seems...off. Phrases like "with excellent precision, as confirmed by Darth Vader" seem awkward.

It's a little short to be posted as a standalone part, it seems more like it should go in the same thread as part I of the story.

The writing on the whole was decent enough--I think you should be careful about repeating certain words and you should modify the fight scene slightly, at least in regards to the lighstabre fights, in order to make it more clear as to what is taking place.

Looking forward to pt 3.

--Hunter
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





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Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:06 pm
JabberHut says...



Hey-lo! I liked this, even though I never read Part 1. I'll probably go look at that next.

However, I agree that Vader seems out of character. Let's take a look see...

They outnumbered them by some one hundred infantrymen.


Before I get to Vader, this sentence could use some nouns. Who outnumbered who? And maybe you could change "some" to "about" or some other word?

However, the Empire showed no fear and despite depletions still drove forward with strength and valour; a speeder bike zoomed past above rocky ground, a scout trooper taking out numerous rebels.


Semi-colons are hard to use, but you used it alright here. Good job!

Pressing the button, Vader braced himself, readily branding his lightsabre


How about "Readied" instead of "braced"? Then...the second part could probably be deleted or reworded.

The force told him his prey should be right in that spot, but where could he be.


Question: Should "the force" be capitalized? I haven't read any SW books, so I'm not sure if it's capitalized or not. You may know and could just ignore this comment.

*skims along to Vader*

...with his sabre millimetres from the black mask worn by the Sith.


Hmm...could you use "Sith Lord" instead? I haven't read or watched SW in a while, forgive me.

He attempted to send a pillar toppling onto Vader, but Darth countered


Hmm..."The Jedi" should be in the beginning instead because the paragraph starts with Vader as the subject, not the Jedi. So when going to the next sentence in the paragraph, it sounds like Vader toppled a pillar on Vader. XD Oh, and I wouldn't say "Darth." There's also a Darth Maul, ya? And a Darth Pleagus...and much more. Just use Vader or Darth Vader or another title that could identify Vader.

Vader spun around, hs lightsabre


Oops! "his" not "hs" :wink:

You are well-trained to survive for this long against me, the greatest lightsabre duelist of all time," taunted Vader


Hmm...Hunter took care of this one. Vader wouldn't taunt his opponent. He would lie and deceive, but not taunt. He would just finish of his opponent as quickly as possible and continue on living.

"Yes, replied the Jedi, smiling


Oops! forgot the second pair of quotation marks. :wink:

Satisfied, a grin came over Darth Vader's face


A grin? I don't think anyone would see a grin on Vader's mask.

I probably should have just left this alone until I refreshed my brain with Star Wars, but...I obviously didn't. You can probably ignore lot of stuff I mentioned, and that's fine by me.

I'll look at part 1 later on then probably come back and edit my critique if I find I have to. This was very good, though. I like Star Wars, especially Vader. He's one of my favorite characters.

Any questions or comments, PM me. I'd be happy to help or listen!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  





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Sat Jul 28, 2007 6:33 pm
PsychicNinja says...



This was pretty good. I understand your story more.

I agree with Jabber and Hunter, Vader was out of character. And once again, I will not repeat what the others have said.

I found some grammar mistakes, so reread it and I'm sure you'll catch them.

Oh, and another thing, this all seems kind of sudden to me.

Mara Jade Skywalker rocks!!

May the Force be with you!

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Tue Jul 31, 2007 6:09 am
Tempest says...



Hey thinker ;)! The battle scenes were good! Your chosen language for the fight between the stormtroopers and the rebels was also excellent. I only have one nitpick; you mentioned Vader had a mask so how could he look 'alarmed' or how could you tell he 'smiled' (I'm sorry if other people have already said this :shock: ). Anyways good job.
I mean, there was a serious international effort to say to Saddam Hussein, you're a threat. And the 9/11 attacks extenuated that threat, as far as I-concerned." --George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005.... lol -.-
  








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