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Siren (Part One)



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Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:56 am
KiteRide86 says...



“Siren”
Somerset, Kentucky

She paced back and forth in the kitchen, holding the phone in her hand. There were no noises save for the creak in the wood floor under her feet. Her jet black hair lay scattered about her shoulders and her deep blue eyes searched frantically through her mind for some sort of memory to comfort her. Her father had gone fishing, as he always did, in his favorite spot on Lake Cumberland, only this time he did not come back.

She could see the fog rising from the lake through the kitchen window. The red and gold leaves hid the full view of the lake, which was visible only in the winter when the lake was clear of boaters from out of town. The sun began to penetrate slowly through the fog as it rose up out of its slumber.

Ring!

“Hello?” She asked quickly, then held her breath until the answer came. Her eyes grew wide as she exhaled heavily.

This could not be happening.
----------------------------
Sam searched through the news listings on the laptop, while Dean pumped the gas into his black ‘67 Chevy Impala. His chestnut eyes scanned the links for any sign of paranormal activity.

“Found anything yet?” Dean asked, putting the pump back on its holder. He strode over to the other side of the car where Sam had the laptop propped open on top of the roof. He leaned against the Impala, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

“Listen to this: In Somerset there have been eight deaths over the past two weeks. All of the bodies were found mutilated in the same area.” He glanced at Dean who looked skeptical. “This could be our kind of gig.”

Dean shrugged, “We have nothing else to go on. Might as well check it out.”
--------------------------
There came a knock at the front door. She stood up from the couch and walked steadily towards it. Through the tiny window in the door she cold see two young men waiting patiently. She opened the door slightly, leaving the latch in place so they could not barge in.

“Who are you?” She asked as politely as she could after what she had been through.

“Laine Callahan, I am Dan and this is my partner Simon. We’re cops and we’ve come to ask you some questions.” Dean said, acting professional and holding up his fake badge.

“Please go away. Haven’t you obtained enough information from me, besides you wouldn’t believe my theory, anyway.” She began to close the door.

“Try us.” Sam put in.

She shook her head, “Good day, officers.”

“All we need is five minutes.” Sam pried further.

She glared at them, “Fine, five minutes.” Then maybe they’ll leave me alone. She led them to the living room and they sat down opposite her on the couch. “Can I get you some tea?” She offered, trying to be accommodating.

“No, thank you, we’re good.” Sam answered for both of them.

“So what do you want to know?”

“Did your father have any enemies who might want to harm him?” Dean asked. He scanned the room and noticed various crosses and plaques with scriptures on them.

“Are you joking? Which department are you from? Everyone knew my father. He grew tomatoes and sold them at a booth he would set up in front of the BP where I work. He was friendly to everyone he met. Even after my mother died, he never stopped smiling.” She smiled reminiscing, “He was a good man, a good Christian man. He taught me everything I needed to know about life.”

Dean looked at Sam with one eyebrow raised, “And how did your mother die?”

“Why do you need to know that?” She asked with suspicion.

“Just curious.” Dean answered, hesitantly.

“She died when I was ten of breast cancer, but that has nothing to do with my father. My father was murdered along with seven after him! They were all found in the same place mangled and twisted.” She try to hold back her anger, but it seeped through where she was broken. She breathed deeply to calm herself down. “Now either there is a crazy killer on the loose…or we are dealing with something else entirely.”

Sam shot a hopeful glance at Dean, “What, you mean like…a bear?”

She waited a moment thinking through her answer, “Of course, what else would it be?” She waited for a reply, “look your five minutes is probably over. So, if you are through with your questions…”

Sam looked at Dean again and he nodded, “All right, we’ll get out of your way.”

She led them back over to the door.

“If you need anything please call. We want to help if we can.” Sam said, handing her a fake police card with his cell phone number on it.

“Thank you for your concern, officer.” She forced a smile, then shut the door.

“Well, we know one thing’s for sure: Saint Laine’s hiding something.” Dean said, hands in the pockets of his navy blue jacket.

“I agree, but what?”
--------------------------------
Dean stretched his legs out on the chair in front of him as he scanned through the laptop for information. “Huh?”

“What? Did you find something?” Sam was looking for information, as well, in his father’s notebook.

“It’s just the opposite. There’s nothing. There’s a lot of deaths, but nothing unusual. Nothing like this.” Dean took a swallow of his black coffee, then placed his hands behind his head.

“Same here. Dad didn’t write anything about this.” Sam said, flipping through the pages.

Dean looked at his watch. “It’s getting late. Let’s put this to bed for tonight. We can pick it up in the morning.”

“Maybe we can talk to some of the other victims’ family members.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Dean agreed, eyebrows scrunched.
-------------------------
A blue haze surrounded the images. Laine bent down beside her bed and pulled up the sheets. She eased a shotgun out from its hiding place and looked around apprehensively. Standing up again she paused, eyes wide with fear. She held up the gun, shouting muted threats at an unseen intruder. The blue haze thickened and Sam shot up.

Breathing heavily, he yelled, “Dean!”

Dean rolled over, eyebrows furrowed in irritation. “What is it?”

“It’s coming for her.” Sam answered, getting up quickly, throwing his Jeans on.

“The thing? The killer…you had another nightmare?”

“Yeah, and it’s going after Laine.”
Last edited by KiteRide86 on Tue Jun 05, 2007 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Jun 05, 2007 8:44 am
Rydia says...



I like this story. It's well written and you give the reader just enough pieces of information to keep them curious but not enough to bore them. Here are my suggestions...

She paced back in forth in the kitchen, holding the phone in her hand. Here I think it sounds better if you say back and forth rather than back in forth.

He leaned against the Impala, shoving his hands in the pockets on his jacket. Of sounds better than on.

Dean shrugged, “We have nothing else to go on. Might as well check it out.”

There came a knock at the front door. She stood up from the couch and walked steadily towards it. You need dashes between these two parts to show the change in scene like you've done in other places.

He grew me up in the Word and taught me everything I needed to know.” [color=blue] This doesn't seem to make much sense. First, brought me up is better than grew me up and in the word? Is that an American saying or something?

Anyway, I liked it and I'll probably read part two in a moment.
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Fri Jun 08, 2007 3:40 am
kktoday says...



OK. This is kind of a long reply. But I did tell you a long time ago that I'd go through and tell you what I thought about this. By the way, am I allowed to use your name on here or do you want me to call you KiteRide or KR or something? Let me know, dear.

Overall: I really like this. The characters are pretty much right on the money. The storyline is good. You make good use of what you know and turn it into what could be, the perfect basis of fanfiction. =)

And now, onto the picky bits...

This could not be happening.

The suspense that you built up here is great. It may be a bit too mysterious for the actual show (they tend to show you exactly what happens to the first "victim," if you will.) but I think for your purposes, it works. =)

He leaned against the Impala, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

Such a Dean thing... perfect image in my mind. :mrgreen:

Through the tiny window in the door she cold see two young men waiting patiently.

Just a typo... cold to "could."

“Who are you?” She asked as politely as she could after what she had been through.

I don't think the "after what she had been through" is right. It just seems to detract from the sentence. Maybe reword it? It just seems to hang there and doesn't flow as well as it could.

We’re cops and we’ve come to ask you some questions.” Dean said, acting professional and holding up his fake badge.

This is just a characterization/show based comment... Usually when the boys are impersonating an officer, they are a bit more detailed. Instead of saying "we're cops," for instance, they might say something more like, "We're with the Kentucky State Police and we'd like to ask you some questions." That's just something to think about. Whatever works best for you. ^_^
Note: OK. Based on Laine's comment ("Which department are you from?") a little later, it makes more sense to use the comment as you originally did. Claps for you. ;)

“Please go away. Haven’t you obtained enough information from me, besides you wouldn’t believe my theory, anyway.” She began to close the door.

You need a period after "me" and before "besides," since it's a separate thought. Also, I have a question about Laine as a character at this point. Would she really say "obtained" instead of "gotten" or another more casual term? If it's the way you want her character to be, go for it. I was just curious. =)

She try to hold back her anger, but it seeped through where she was broken.

1. GOOD line. 2. "try" should be "tried."


“It’s just the opposite. There’s nothing.

Another characterization comment... I think it'd sound more like Dean if there was not "It's" and you left it "Just the opposite." But that might just be me. =P

Sam answered, getting up quickly, throwing his Jeans on.

Use "jeans" instead of "Jeans."

I'm on to part two...
Last edited by kktoday on Fri Jun 08, 2007 4:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Fri Jun 08, 2007 3:59 am
Alteran says...



Sweet!

I love Supernatural. You described it well for people who've never seen it. I Think it's great and I hope you finish it :D
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