Young Writers Society

My eyes widened as he yanked a familiar knife from his leather boot. A murderous look came across his face. I gasped at the sight of it, terror filling my body.
“Please. You don’t need to do this!” I begged him. My body began shaking with sobs as he advanced towards me. I thrashed around wildly, trying to somehow break the metal chains off me.
“You KILLED her. She had a chance to survive!” He screamed out in rage. I jumped at the emotion that filled his voice. “I COULD HAVE HELPED HER.” He stared down at the weapon he held in his hands as if he were in a trance. “This is the last thing I have from her.” His voice was quiet, like he was talking to himself. He rubbed the tip of the knife with his thumb almost admiringly.
“Please.” I whispered out to him, my voice cracking. His head jerked up so fast it was a blur. His eyes glowed fiercely with hatred that sent shivers down my spine. It was a hatred I’d never in my life seen before. It paralyzed me, pulling the air from my lungs.
“You’re a waste of space,” He spat at me. “You deserve to die!” He raised the knife above his head, a crazed smile on his lips. All I could see was the tip of the knife as it sped toward my chest.

Whoa! That made my heart speed up at the ending! Very intense. I just have a few things to say. Corrections in violet:

“Please. Don’t do this. You don’t need to do this!” (This is kind of repetative.) I begged him. My body began shaking with sobs as he advanced towards me. I thrashed around wildly, trying to somehow break the metal chains off me.

He seemed to deflate (I understand what your traying to say, but this is kind of an awkward word to use here. Try a word that goes more with the moment to get what you're thinking across.) , staring at the weapon he wielded in his hands.

His head jerked up so fast it was a bur. (Do you mean 'blur'?)

And that's really all. Very exciting and dramatic! I can't wait to start reading this, please tell me when you have posted more!

Fadewriter.

Wow, this is really good.

The description is not too fancy, which is actually great because everythings really clear. Even though the piece really short (which is perfectly fine for a prologue) I was fully drawn into it from beginning to end. I honestly can't wait to read more, even though from this alone I still have no idea what the rest of the story will be about. Which is a really good thing. Congrats on that.

The only thing I think you should change is where you've capatalized things. In my opinion t looks messy and immature. If a character is yelling someting, put an exclamation mark at the end. If they're yelling it and you really want to emphasize the way they say it and all the emotion, write it in italics. it just looks a lot nicer.

for example;

"You killed her."
"I could have helped her!"
"You deserve to die!"

I mean, its only a little thing, and it is totally up to you as the author, but i think many would agree that capatalizing things like that isnt as affective as other methods.

So yeah, overall, it was epic! Nice descriptions and it was exciting and had me hooked. Great job.

-Fighta

I have to second Fighta's review and say that whenever you had caps lock on, it looked a little immature. I'd emphasive the stressed words with italics or add an emclamation point at the end to show emotion.

My eyes widened as he yanked a familiar knife from his leather boot. A murderous look came across his face. I gasped at the sight of it, terror filling my body.

Also, I'd add a bit to the first part. You just say a 'murderous look', and that's pretty vauge. Describe it instead.

Other than that, not much to say for the short prolugue x)