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Young Writers Society


Hook. Chapter 3.



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:42 am
Dragongirl says...



Here is the next chapter, People. Sorry if this chapter is a little short. Hope you guys like it anyway. Any suggestion are always appreciated. :smt003


Chapter 3. Go Fish

The computer beeped. Ares was sure it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. That, or possibly the frustrated cussing of the guards as he dove through the gate and swung it shut behind him.

The gate rattled as several guards slammed in to it. He would have loved to stay and gloat, but one of the guards was already scanning his ID, obviously a bit quicker thinking on his feet than the two guards still shaking the fence.

Ares ran.

Daylight was fading, staining the sky a deep red hue. The sidewalk was devoid of people and he was able to make fairly good time. Unfortunately so were the guards behind him. A salty sea breeze whipped at his clothes as though it too were trying to hold him back. He could hear the heavy footsteps as his pursuers gained. He needed to get out of the open.

Turning sharply down an ally, Ares zig zagged between buildings trying, unsuccessfully to lose his followers. Coming to the end of the ally he burst out in to the open.

A wharf. Ares actually stopped, his chest heaving, as a wave of memories washed over him. The shouts of the fishermen to one another inquiring about the day’s catch. The lap of the water against the hull of a ship. The smell of fish and salt water thick in the air. All so familiar.

A cry from behind roused Ares and he took off down the waterfront, pushing away his thoughts. This wasn’t the time for a trip down memory lane.

He could hear the ragged breathing of his pursures as they gained. They were tiring, but so was he. A stitch pulled at his rib as he wove his way between die hard tourists, rough fishermen and bartering customers. At the shouts of the guards, the crowd grew less ready to part, curious of the commotion and he shouldered his way through them.

Spotting a man tying a small speed boat at the end of a dock, Ares sprinted towards him.

...

Unaware of the boy approaching him, the man finished tying the knot and straightened. Head bent, he began to walk back to shore, lightly tossing the keys in his palm. He didn’t even see the boy until the teenager was upon him and he grasped at nothing but empty air as the keys were snatched before they could fall back in to his hand. To surprised to do anything, the man turned and watched dumbly as the boy smoothly untied, started, and began to back the boat out of harbor.

His boat.

At that thought the man broke from his stupor and ran to the end of the dock. It was too late though, the boy was already out of reach. The wind whipped the young man’s ear length black hair away from his face for a moment, and even in the fading light the man could see the teenager’s eyes were bright. The small smile that touched the boy’s lips seemed to carry a dare. However the youth’s gaze was not directed at him and it was only then that the man became conscious of the guard next to him. He watched, wordless, as the guard lifted a gun and took careful aim.

...

Ares threw himself into the boat. Slotting the key in to the ignition, he glanced over his shoulder. He couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt at the look on the slack jawed owner’s face. He banished that feeling though as he reminded himself he was only borrowing the man’s boat. After he put some distance between himself and the Boys Home, he’d ditch the boat, the police would find it, by then it’s disappearance would have been reported, and it would be returned to it’s rightful owner.

The engine turned over with a purr. Pulling away from the dock, Ares turned the boat’s prow towards the open sea. Hand on the throttle he took one last look back to shore. The guards, huffing and puffing, had finally made it to the end of the dock. One guard shouldered his way out in front of the rest and lifted a gun.

For a long moment Ares held the guard’s gaze and he knew that the guard wasn’t going to pull the trigger. Then Ares made a mistake.

He smiled.

That was all it took. The guard’s face darkened as though a storm cloud had suddenly passed overhead. In agonizing slow motion he watched as the guard pulled the trigger. The gun made a short spatting sound and at first Ares thought the guard had missed.

Feeling a sharp sting on his thigh, he looked down to see a dart in it. Fumbling, he pulled it out as the sensation of pins and needles spread through his leg. Holding the dart close to his face he squinted at it as his vision swarmed and it became inpossible to focse.

His strength seemed to drain from his body and using the last bit of his will power, Ares threw open the throttle.
Last edited by Dragongirl on Sun Jan 15, 2012 3:28 am, edited 7 times in total.
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
- Bill Cosby
  





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Wed Oct 12, 2011 5:34 pm
xDudettex says...



I'm back again!

Nit-piks first.

He could hear the heavy foot steps as his pursuers gained.


'foot steps' is one word.

Turning sharply down an ally Ares zig zagged between buildings trying unsuccessfully to lose his followers


I know I've given you a link to a great artical on commas but I'll help you out with the chapter anyway. You need a comma after 'ally'.

Coming to the end of a ally he burst


'a' should be 'an' but I think it would be better as 'the'

Ares actual stopped


'actual' should be 'actually'

as a wave of memorys washed over


'memories'

comotion


'commotion'

Unaware of the boy approaching him the man finished tying


Comma after 'him'

He was to surprised to do anything, but turn, and look on


'to' should be 'too' and you don't need the commas.

and run to the end of


'ran'

It was to late though


'too'

The wind whiped the boy’s ear


'whipped'

and it seens to carry a dare


I don't understand what's meant here, unless 'seens' is supposed to be 'seemed'

He watched wordless,


Comma after 'watched'

He couldn’t help but feel a ting of guilt


I think 'pang' would be better than 'ting'

The guard’s face darken


'darkened'

Feeling a sharp sting on his thigh he looked down to


Comma after 'thigh'

Holding the dart to his face he swinted at it as his vision swarmed and it became inpossible to focse


Comma after 'face' and 'swinted' should be 'squinted'. Also, 'focse' should be 'focus'.

His strenghth seem to drain from


'strength' and 'seemed'

***

I'm still hooked - see what I did there :P - on this story. I'm loving how every chapter so far has seemed to end with a cliff-hanger. It's a great way to keep the reader interested and the suspense high.

There are still a few instances throughout the chapter where you convert back to present tense, but proof-reading will help you to spot them and the misspelled words. I still think you should take a look at the artical on commas that I linked you to in the review I did of chapter two.

I think the pace was okay with this part as it was short. You may want to add in a few more of Ares' thoughts and feelings when you edit to help expand this part, though. He's the MC, so it's nice when the reader can see inside his mind.

I hope this helps and I can't wait to read more!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





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Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:32 pm
Leahweird says...



I found that the action was a lot easier to follow this time around, and it was just as thrilling. I think your work shows you've been listening to past critiques.
I especially loved how you switched perspective to the owner of the boat as Ares steals it. Though i did notive that you used "the youth" quite a bit in that section. I know it's hard when you need to keep referring to someone without a name, but in this particular work I think teenager would fit the mood more if you have to pck a word to repeat. Also this line "A small smile touched the boy’s lips and it seemed to carry a dare" might sound better like this "The small smile that touched the boy's lips seemed to carry a dare," but I don't want to interfere with your writing style, or put words in your mouth, so feel free to ignore me.
Thank you for another great chapter!
  





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Thu Oct 13, 2011 11:49 pm
paraperson says...



This was really good. Definitely short, but amazing. And I'm really, really curious about Ares's past... please bring it up soon! You end your chapters at all the right places, the flow is spot-on, and (my personal favorite) you describe the scene with just the right amount of detail without overloading or providing too little. I love it when stories are like that, giving the reader room to add his/her own imagination everyone's seeing the same thing just slightly different. You do it perfectly. Great job, keep it up! :)
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Sat Oct 15, 2011 4:35 pm
Dragongirl says...



Thanks for the reviews guys! I'll try and get the next chapter done and posted soon. :)
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
- Bill Cosby
  








Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— -Apple Inc.