Young Writers Society

I flinch.

The stone cold air makes it seem as if the dirt in this bunker is sucking the life out of anything living it can. Anything and everything even the things that are scarcely living.

One more bomb drops as a new throng of people pour in. The impact throws them into frenzy as the newest layer of debris coats, what once was my favorite jacket.

My mother I can’t tell where she is, or my childish sister.

I call to them, but they can’t hear me I’m sure of that.

Life as I knew it, as anyone knew was lost in a war. A war between them and us, a war that we lost not only did we lose the battle we lost our family.

The voices in the bunker cease as a man walks in. The only thing that can be heard is the loan howl of a baby’s cry. The mother, I can see now tends to him silently. And the beating of my heart where I stand shaken, and terrified.

The man speaks.

“Today we have lost a great deal, not only have we lost our families. We have lost our country, our beloved America.”

This was all he said nothing more nothing less.

He walked over, sat next to a young woman on the far side of the blockhouse. And said nothing until the final bomb had been dropped.

He tells us to go up.

I take careful strides as I walk from the wall to the stairs leading to the most beautiful thing I can think of.

I walk up out into the blinding white light, but what I see does not comfort me. What I feel is my heart shattering into to microscopic pieces as I see grown men and women falling to their knees helplessly.

They sit there as the tears fall from their eyelids like rain falls from a cloud.

I wanted to run back into the blockhouse. To hide my tears, but I realized in that moment when I saw my mother.

Tears are what make a man strong.

Hey guys this is a whole new version of my prologue so please comment everything is much appreciated

Hey,

I have to say, it sounds like it could be an interesting story.
There are some grammar mistakes though, even though I know it is only a prologue.
Only little thing with the grammar though, like a couple of missing commas, for example:

Was it even possible for a man to flinch they were supposed to be the strong ones right?

There really should be a comma after "ones" and before "right".
But we all make mistakes and I'm not judging.
Also, another thing I picked up is... it sounds a lot like the Australian novels "Tomorrow When The War Began" by John Marsden.
I don't know if you have ever read the series, which are quite good by the way, but I have and it goes sort of along the same lines as what your prologue points out, only it is set in Australia.
Your prologue has very much the same vibe as those novels, maybe too much the same vibe, but that may just be me as I have had to read them as part of a school assignment.
Of course everyone has their own twist on things, and their own opinions and this is just my opinion.
Otherwise, I did like the writing.
Hope to have helped.

-- Ever.

Hey,
The answer to your question is no I've never even heard of those books until know, and yes i know there are quite a few grammar mistakes and will fix them asap.

Heya. Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.

I'm going to take it the goal is supposed to be suspenseful, yes? Make us curious at what's going on, make us feel something for these men trapped underground.

I have to say that I didn't feel that.

The first problem is the formatting: this is one long paragraph. Shorter, punchier paragraphs would take this and ad an edge to this piece, and make it easier to read. While you shouldn't overdo using lots of little paragraphs (that gets annoying/repetitive and they start to lose their punch), you should break this up so it's easier to read and key pieces of information aren't buried deep in long sentences.

The key thing with making paragraphs is: new paragraph every time you change ideas. An example of a possible paragraph break in this would be the start of "I flinched." It's a new concept, unrelated to the underground. Therefore, it deserves a new paragraph.

You know about the grammar mistakes, so I highly suggest you proofread before posting. Since this is already posted, please use the "edit" button in the top right corner of your post to make any corrections you see. A well punctuated story is easier to read, and punctuation can really bring a story to life. I'd check out this article for some tips on using punctuation.

I found that your emotional punch didn't really hit me. Because you don't actually stop and explore each different idea you present (bombs dropping, the flinching— the flinching especially, because that brings in fear and a human element. This human connection is critical to make the story real, and exciting, for the readers), I found myself saying "so what the US got bombed?"

Really explore the human side of this. Don't just tell us all these event-centered thoughts; make us breath heavy, feel the underground conditions (actually feel. Start describing the vibrations through the earth, debris raining down, the smell and sounds of other scared people hiding with him, children crying, scared adults... the list goes on), have adrenalin go through our blood because this scene is real.

Right now, this doesn't feel real.

Overall, polish up your grammar and slow down. Don't be afraid to explore the human condition in this, inside and outside the character's head. You're using first person narration, ideal for giving a unique perspective on the story, and aren't using it. Start thinking of the other senses and other aspects of a character's personality (how they'd view the world, their age, their emotional state and control, background, fears, hopes, tattered dreams...) to make this come to life.

Hope this helps. Drop me a line if you have any questions.

~Rosey