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Play of roses: Chapter 4



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Tue Oct 04, 2011 2:08 pm
OriginalKommadant says...



Luxian waited, patient yet anxious, in the far west corridor of the Fremon castle. It was about midday, and the confusion over Dresden's heir apparent and delayed crowning were beginning to ware off. Slowly, things were returning to normal, The Governors, who had convened to dispute Dresden's legitimacy to the throne were returning to their respective provinces, convinced that under Heraldis' direction, the young boy would not threaten their own ambitions. Luxian hadn't been able to talk to Dresden since his defeat by Kelsie, having seen him for only seconds before Heraldis pulled him away to study, or Tra'a Minn, who insisted filling any time that Dresden didn't spend studying with learning the art of combat. She walked about the square room she was in, which she herself had chosen because of its relative privacy and separateness from the rest of the Castle. The room was adorned with pictures of Acrciscos, and Luxian felt a pang of sadness for Dresden. She did not know how he felt towards his fathers death, or if he even missed him, but Luxian's pure heart forced her to mourn Dresden's loss, mourn the death of a man she did not even know. Suddenly, she heard rapid footsteps coming from the rear, and she wheeled around only to be caught in the embrace of two strong arms, And then raised by those arms so high that her feet did not touch the ground.

"Kelsie," She gasped as she looked down upon him. Kelsie smiled up at her, his white teeth, as always, gleaming, and his red hair pulled back in a pony tail, revealing a bone structure that would make even the gods envious. Kelsie put her down and hugged her again, before breaking the embrace and holding her at arms length, still smiling.

"I'm sorry I'm late, I was sparring, and time escaped me" Kelsie said matter of factually. Before Luxian could even respond, he pulled her in again, and kissed her, softly and passionately, tucking her white locks behind her ears. Luxian relaxed, and relented, losing herself in his embrace, and then finding herself and freeing herself from his world so that she could speak.

She looked up at him hesitantly, and without looking him in the eyes, asked "Have you tried to mend things with Dresden?" Her voice was hopeful, but gave way to her feelings, her feeling that both Kelsie and Dresden were too proud to accept the others apology. There was a long pause, Kelsie looked away from her for a moment, and then met her eyes, moving her chin upward with his index finger so they met eye to eye.

"Yes, I have, actually. He's a smug bastard, but I think he may forgive me in time. Luxian, I'm sorry again for-" He began, but she kissed him before he could finish speaking, and held his cheek with her soft, delicate hand.

"It's fine, Kelsie. You were off guard. He was embarrassed..." She trailed off. Kelsie knew what she was thinking. He sighed, and walked away from her, he walked to the wall, to the painting of Acrciscos felling an elf in what looked to be the campaign in Techutaltael.

"Elves. They say they are the most savage creatures in the land. They capture you, and rip your heart out alive in worship to their god" Kelsie spoke. His voice was unsteady, and it gave the impression that he would give way to tears.
Luxian approached him slowly, placing her hand on his strong shoulder.

"Whats wrong? Kelsie?" She asked. Her voice, her concerning voice, full of empathy and pride for him, things he had been taught he didn't deserve. His lowered himself even further, his eyes blank and his voice emotionless.

"You want to know if it's true, don't you", He said simply. Luxian retraced her hand as he turned, slowly.

"What are you talking about? Kelsie?" She asked.

"My lineage. My parents." He said stiffly. Luxian was taken aback, she knew that this was a taboo subject when concerning Kelsie.

"Kelsie, it doesn't matter to me, It doesn't-" She began, her voice pleading. Kelsie laughed, a laugh that broke her resolve as he pointed an accusatory finger at her.

"But it does, doesn't it! You know that the question has lurked in your heart since that day! You want to know what I am? why I'm here?" He screamed at her. Luxian shook her head slowly as tears began to stream down her face.

"No, Kelsie it doesn't matter to me, You're a good person-" Kelsie cut her off again, his voice cold.

"I am the son of my father and his sister. I am a creation of lust, an abomination!" He screamed. Luxian backed up against the wall as he approached her.

"You don't even know, do you? The story? You have no idea! Back in Espagnole, My mother, my fathers sister, was promised to a young noble. My father, for whatever reason, lusted for her, and when she rejected his advances, he took her" Kelsie backed away from her, and stretched out his arms, and continued. "She tried to terminate her pregnancy. Even before I was born, I was hated!" He laughed incredulously. He returned his steel gaze to her eyes, a gaze that could turn anyone, even a god, into a whimpering child.

"But she couldn't. For some god forsaken reason, she couldn't. None of the remedies worked. No Conjurist could whisk me away, no magic had any effect" He spat. Luxian looked at him with wide eyes, her tears falling freely.


"Kelsie! It doesn't matter to me!" She begged, she held herself to keep her body from shaking, but no avail, for the pain she felt was too great.

The noble, her betrothed, wanted nothing to do with her. She was to be put to death. After I had matured to the age of five. My birthday gift was my mother's death. I saw her. I saw her hang. I heard her protests. The courts heard her pleas. It wasn't until after her death that a Conjurist affirmed that I had sprung from Joze's loins." His anger was gone, his voice was defeated, his shoulders sagging, he walked closer to Luxian again.


"Joze and I...we were the blight of Espagnole. I was his blight. Acrciscos was able to ferry us away from our own country as fugitives, but this, this is the true injustice towards me, Luxian my love. I was only saved on the basis of miscommunication. I was saved by accident on Acriscos' part, Joze wanted me dead."

Luxian gasped at these revelations, never understanding the pain that Kelsie held inside of him. He seemed so perfect, so impervious that he was immune to any flaw. He was Kelsie, he had no weakness.


"My existence here is tolerated, Luxian. But with Acrciscos gone, how long do I have? another week? another month? a year? Every day I wake expecting to die. I eat, expecting to vomit blood and fall because of fowl play. I sleep, I dream of my death, Luxian! I see my own destruction!"

Luxian didn't know what to say. Her cries had turned into silent gasps, her tears cascading down her face. Kelsie looked at her, and his eyes, the pain in his eyes caused her to release another cry of pain and empathy, and at that, Kelsie sprang from the room, running from the pain, leaving Luxian to the room, by herself, with the revelations of Kelsie swirling about her mind, like demons seeking to possess her, throwing her down into the abyss of darkness and uncertainty.
  





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Sun Oct 16, 2011 7:51 pm
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StellaThomas says...



Hey Komma, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

beginning to ware off.


wear.

his fathers death, or if he even missed him, but Luxian's pure heart forced her to mourn Dresden's loss,


father's, and "pure heart" just seems far too fairytale-ish. Even though I love fairytales.

And then raised by those arms so high that her feet did not touch the ground.


I think, "And then raised so high by those arms" would run better.

"Kelsie," She gasped as she looked down upon him.


she.

II. PUNCTUATION

It needs to be worked on as a grounding for improving the actual content of your work. This article is very useful in teaching you the rights and wrongs and ins and outs of dialogue punctuation! Don't worry, it takes everybody a while to grasp but once you get a handle on it your work is so much more professional. As well as that there are several places you use commas instead of full stops, and a lot of missing apostrophes. Go through and find them- it takes an extra few minutes and even the best of us will miss some, but that sort of proofreading does give your writing an extra edge!

III. OVERALL

This really wasn't bad at all! The first half felt really natural. The second part where Kelsie speaks about his birth could use a little work in making it sound more realistic, as in, that he's actually having the conversation with Luxian. Right now she doesn't have a place in the conversation and it's just not quite gelling together properly. So just work a little on making that flow more like a real conversation.

But overall, nice job!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Tue Oct 18, 2011 6:40 am
fireheartedkaratepup says...



I do my nitpicks first. It's just my default, for some reason.

Corrections in red, as per usual.

Slowly, things were returning to normal. The Governors, who had convened to dispute Dresden's legitimacy to the throne were returning to their respective provinces, convinced that under Heraldis' direction, the young boy would not threaten their own ambitions.

Edit: not sure why I quoted this since I only added a period, but whatever.

Luxian hadn't been able to talk to Dresden since his defeat by Kelsie, having seen him for only seconds before Heraldis pulled him away to study, or Tra'a Minn, who insisted filling any time that Dresden didn't spend studying with learning the art of combat

Observation: there's a lot of foreign information in this sentence. XD Just make sure the earlier chapters have enough about these characters to make their names memorable.

and Luxian felt a pang of sadness for Dresden. She did not know how he felt towards his fathers death, or if he even missed him, but Luxian's pure heart forced her to mourn Dresden's loss,

You may already know this, but try to avoid repeating things whenever possible. If you last used the person's name, use a description, such as "the girl". Then try to use two more variations before you refer to her by her name again. (Also, don't repeat "she" too much--the two sentences before this were started with that particular pronoun.)

Suddenly, she heard rapid footsteps coming from the rear, and she wheeled around only to be caught in the embrace of two strong arms, which then raised her high in the air.

The phrasing is awkward. Reword it--preferably with one more period. (The changes I've made are to be taken as suggestions--nothing more.)

.....It's going to be like this for the rest of the piece, it seems, so I'm just going to cut to the chase.

You tend towards run-ons and too many comma's. How to fix this? When writing your roughdraft, chop the sentences into as many little pieces as possible, and don't add comma's. THEN go back and lengthen things and add the comma's in. (See, I wanted to use another word, but comma doesn't have very many synonyms.)

What I can see from this chapter: you know how to write, and write well. You are, however, still new--it will take some time to climb out of cliches and into your own style. (I'm still climbing. XP) That's probably one of the things you'll hear the most on this site--you're being cliche, don't be cliche, etc. Since I tend towards cliches myself, I'm not so worried about them, but this part--"abyss of darkness and uncertainty."--a cliche if I ever saw one. XD

Just take your time. You're a good writer, you just need some practice.

Overall, I think I like the idea of the story. It doesn't captivate me completely, but there's a spark of interest there. You should definitely continue with this.

Also, I've been atrociously long in getting back to you with this review, so I've donated some points. Apologies.
"Ok, Lolpup. You can be a girl worth fighting for."
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I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
— William Shakespeare