z

Young Writers Society


Willowcreek- Part 1



User avatar
178 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 652
Reviews: 178
Thu Sep 29, 2011 3:59 am
Paracosm says...



Wang Wei Zhang heaved his back pack over his shoulder as he stepped off the bus. He road a separate bus from his friends, so the morning ride to school was always his least favorite part of the day. As he stepped off of the bus into the chilling October air, he scanned the stop in front of his school for his friends.

The whole place was decked out in decorations for Halloween. Jack-O-Lanterns watched the students from above, perched on the awning. There was an inflatable ghost waving in the frosty wind, it was as though it was waving hi to the students as they stepped of the bus.The teachers had even taken the risk of hanging fake cobwebs all over. Wang Wei suspected the cobwebs would lead to trouble, he knew he was already planning for some to end up in someones hair. Among the crowd of stragglers, he finally spotted Megan Bradwell standing under the awning. Wang Wei knew she was waiting for him. Megan was on of Wang Wei's best friends. She was always kind, but kind of shy. She was never really chatty. Wang Wei waved to her, and made his way to the entrance where she was waiting.

"Hey Megan! Is Nicole here yet?" He asked. The two started walking to their homeroom.

"Yeah, she rode here with Blake and Dakota. They went in already," she said, brushing her bangs behind her ear, timidly. "Are you excited? Only three more days till the corn maze opens!" Megan exclaimed.

"I can't wait! I love the maze! Blake and Dakota are talking about going to Sloss Furnace this year, but I think we can get them to go to the maze instead," Wang Wei said. Megan blushed as Wang Wei brushed shoulders with her. Wang Wei didn't even notice, being from Beijing. The two of them hushed into a whisper as they stepped through the threshold into their classroom. Wang Wei didn't get to talk with any of his friends until lunch period.

***


Wang Wei shoved through the lunch crowd, making his way past the jocks and punks, emos and thugs, until he reached the Round Table, as he and his friends called it. He took a seat next to his girlfriend Nicole. He situated his trey, then tried to sneak in a kiss without the teachers noticing, not that they'd really care. He was the smart and witty exchange student, and aside from that, they didn't want to offend him or his culture. He was practically untouchable.

Nicole smelled like brown sugar today, and her trademark cherry lip balm went great with it. He broke off before too long, he knew his limits. "So what's the plan this year? My vote is for the corn maze, its always awesome," he said, looking Nicole in the eyes with a dreamy expression on his face, even though he was talking to everyone at the table.

Blake Park sat to his right. Blake was reserved, maybe even slightly nerdy. Everyone expected him to be a basketball player, or football player. He was so tall, and being black, almost everyone shoved him into that cliche. They thought he'd be some kind of amazing athlete, but that type of thing didn't interest him. Blake preferred things like chess. He was in the school's club, and he knew by next year he'd be the captain. He was also in Math Club and he played trombone for the marching band.

"I think Sloss Furnace sounds good. There's going to be a concert this year, I think it'll be Five Finger Death Punch, but I don't really like them, I'd just go for the Fright Fest!" Blake said. He didn't give a hoot about fright fest, he was looking forward to the historical and cultural aspect of the old furnace.

Next to Blake perched his best friend and his exact opposite. Dakota Harrison was a wild eyed-fun loving hyperactive. He loved sports, and he was good at them. He fowled out of almost every game he played though. His aggression seemed to get the best of him. He loved baseball because the only way to be thrown out of it was to get into a fight, or something like that. The rules were so simple, and he loved playing center field. It got quite a bit of the action he liked. "The cornfield is getting old, it was scary in like, the eighth grade, but honestly guys, we should go to Sloss Furnace this year. It sounds freaking awesome!" Dakota exclaimed.

"I like the corn maze! It's like tradition for us," Megan's head perked to the side and her eyes brightened as she spoke. Wang Wei couldn't help but notice she was looking at him, he blushed a little and tired to hide it by raising his shoulders. This just made him look even more awkward. He couldn't help but like Megan, even though he was with Nicole. Megan was so sweet, but she was such an ugly duckling. Her teeth were kind of large, and she had braces, she definitely wasn't one of the girls who looked good in braces. Nicole on the other hand was hot no matter what, and that made up for her bitchy attitude. Megan was seeing Blake anyway, and they seemed kind of serious.

"I'm with Megan, she's totally right. The furnace sounds old and boring! The maze is tradition, you guys wouldn't break tradition would you?" Nicole asked, she sounded distracted, as usual. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and she was hiding a break out on her temple with strands of hair. The break out was obvious, and the strands of blond hair didn't help. It didn't matter though, most of the men at Willowcreek High-school didn't get take their first impressions by looking a girl in the face.

Wang Wei was the only one who knew about her family problems, and to Nicole, he always knew what to see, even if it was in broken English. Nicole was not the ditsy girl everyone saw her as. She was just concerned for her family. Her dad was a blundering drunk, who couldn't stay sober as long as he could keep a job. Her mother was a dirty meth addict, and Nicole preferred sleeping in her car with the windows cracked, shivering in the cold, rather than listen to them fight.

Wedged between Megan and Nicole was Carli Westlund. Her hood drooped over her eyes, the very air around her tingled with brooding spirit. She slouched over her unopened lunch bag. She was acting as jaded as ever, but Wang Wei knew she has excited. Carli was the emo of the group. The only feeling that she seemed to contain came out through her hair. She colored it with streaks by the season, orange streaks for the fall, a red bang and a green bang for winter, hot pink or white blond for spring, and vivid crimson for the summer. She was a bit of a rebel, and it showed. Her clothes expressed her thoughts, Save the Whales, Gay Rights, all the just causes.

Today she was wearing a political t-shirt, it read, "YES WE CAIN" in red, white and blue. She would never tell anyone, but she kind of wanted to be a politician. She didn't want to leave the world without improving it. The teachers had given up on her, no one tried to teach her, no one tried to change her attitude. She seemed impenetrable to them.Almost everyone was betting on how soon she'd end up with a felony plastered on her record. Blake and Dakota guessed she'd have one within the year, but they didn't let her know they were betting.

"I don't care where we go. They all sound fun, but it's up to you guys," she said, her voice was smooth, almost sweet, but she still struggled with depression.

"I guess we'll have to vote!" Wang Wei said, "I don't really know where I'd rather go, but the Furnace is supposed to be really haunted. We all know the cornfield is a joke as far as spooky goes, but it is tradition, and it's fun in it's own way. We could just go trick-or-treating for all I care. I've never been trick-or-treating, and that's a big part of American culture!" he said. Wang Wei really wanted to go to the furnace, even though he didn't know what "furnace" meant in Mandarin, it definitely had a creepy ring to it.

The crew agreed to a vote, they all took a minute to discuss the different aspects of each. The maze was fun, and there was free food. The furnace was further off, it seemed scary, but it would be their first trip that far from Willowcreek. The group voted, they finally decided to go to----

This is where you guys come in! It's time to put it to a vote! If you review the story your vote counts twice! Should the gang go to:

A) The Corn Maze

B) Sloss Furnace

C) Go trick-or-treating

It's up to ya'll, so make your vote count. This is not only the possibly tragic-definitely terrifying tale of six kids, but also your tale. Make your vote and have fun!
Last edited by Paracosm on Fri Sep 30, 2011 3:22 am, edited 3 times in total.
Review unto others as you would have others review unto you.

Don't panic!

Also, Shino!
  





User avatar
884 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 28282
Reviews: 884
Thu Sep 29, 2011 6:41 am
View Likes
StoryWeaver13 says...



Hey, so I'm here to pick this apart a little bit! First thing I'm noticing right off the bat (still on the first paragraph as I write this part) is your grammar. You have a misspelling somewhere I think along with a couple of commas where you should have semicolons, etc. Just tiny little things like that.

Blake Park sat to his right, and Dakota Harrison to his left. Megan Bradwell sat across from him. Okay, so don't go into too much detail yet, but give us a little time to associate with who these people are in the eyes of your character. Ie. "Blonde-haired basketball player Blake Park, fellow teammate Dakota Harrison..." not saying that those are their actual characteristics of course, just some sort of cut-and-dried example. Just give us a casual glimpse at who these people are.


"I like the corn maze! It's like tradition for us," her head perked to the side and her eyes brightened as she said this. She was looking at Wang Wei as she spoke. He couldn't help but like Megan, even though he was with Nicole. Megan was so sweet, but she was such an ugly duckling. Her teeth were kind of large, and she had braces, she definitely wasn't one of the girls who looked good in braces. Nicole on the other hand was hot no matter what, and that made up for her bitchy attitude. Megan was seeing Blake anyway, and they seemed kind of serious. Wang Wei would have to figure out if he wanted to be with someone who's looks he'd have to put up with, or who's attitude he'd have to put up with. I don't know why, but this was just one of those situations where I thought, "Well, this was definitely written by a guy." And I don't mean that as a bad thing by any means, especially since your main character is a guy. BUT I wouldn't make it so blunt. I mean, when I know a guy who's dating a girl for her looks, he really only seems to half-admit it to himself and everybody else. This also makes your character come off with a bad vibe, and while having a flawed character is more or less necessary, we also need a likeability factor.


You start getting into a little more detail with the introduction of Carli, and I like that part. It shows her personality well and also reflects on your character's perspective. It also didn't feel quite as rushed as the other introductions; it took its time, and I like Carli despite my typical aggravation over emo characters. Which says a lot about how your character's opinions rub off on your reader's. And you start getting more into detail with the rest, so I can definitely tell you're building steam on your story.

Ohhh, and I get to vote! :D I think...corn maze. Just because it's kind of the friend-tradition thing.

Anyway, on the story itself, I think it was kind of too fast in the beginning, and then the later character descriptions were possibly not spread out far enough (I know, hypocrite). I felt like Nicole and Megan never really got as strong of descriptions also, for whatever reason. But overall I'm pretty interested in seeing where you take this, so keep it up.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
  








The very worst use of time is to do very well what need not be done at all.
— Benjamin Tregoe