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A Play of Roses: Chapter 3



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Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:19 pm
OriginalKommadant says...



It had been three long weeks since Dresden's encounter with Kelsie. Three weeks since he stood before the high nobles. Now, he was settled, his wounds were healing, and he started to train with Tra'a Minn again, his muscles aching in protest, missing the three week vacation that they had been granted. Currently, He sat with Heraldis, Joze's son, and looked over the map of the known regions.

Heraldis pointed to a wicked-looking island that drifted off the Fremon mainland.

"What is the name of this province?" He asked dryly. Dresden and Heraldis had been at this all day, naming provinces, giving summaries of wars and successions. He was re-educated about Fremon morals and ideals, something the nobles liked to preach and expected from their king but did not practice themselves. Dresden scratched his head and let out a long sigh.

"I don't know," Dresden said with frustration. "I don't know, nor do I care! This is a waste of time!" He bellowed suddenly, springing up from his seat and clawing the map off the table. Heraldis didn't stop him, simply watched with steel blue eyes as Dresden continued to rip the map into dozens of shreds. He stood there, panting, beads of sweat forming on his forehead. Heraldis looked at him up and down and smirked to himself.

"You really are a child, aren't you?" He asked Dresden with a voice of impetuousness.

"Thank the nobles that they choose me to guide you...You would run this nation into the dust with your impulses"

Dresden, still breathing deeply, walked about the room. They were in Dresden's personal study, a medium sized room with various maps and diagrams that previous kings had studied. Earlier that day, they had in fact looked over some of Acriscos' notes, and Dresden felt a few pangs of sadness as he read his fathers musings. He had no idea that his father was such a deep intellectual, and how the corruption of the state bothered him more than anything. Dresden stopped pacing and walked slowly to the window, pulling apart the drapes and allowing a beam of light to enter the room. He stood in the light, not speaking at all. Heraldis coughed uncomfortably in the silence, and was beginning to rise when suddenly, Dresden spoke.

"I need to beat him," Dresden said softly.

"I haven't seen him since the fight...And yet everyday he beats me. I see his face whenever I feel my own weakness" Dresden continued. His voice had a tone of defeat and resignation to it, as if he knew that deep down, he could never defeat Kelsie.

Heraldis settled back down in his seat and nodded.

"Ah, Kelsie..." Heraldis said, but trailed off. Dresden knew that the subject of Kelsie was taboo, considering that Kelsie was Heraldis' half brother. Heraldis himself barely mentioned Kelsie, and like his father, pretended that he was not related to the inbred. Heraldis rose and walked towards Dresden, joining him by the window. He turned to look outside, the view of the city gleaming in the setting sun.

"As king, one should always be prepared to remove one's enemies" Heraldis said simply. Dresden perked up with interest, and followed him as he made his way out of the study.

"What do you mean?" Dresden asked.

"A king must be creative, bold, cunning, and most importantly-" Heraldis stopped, turned, and poked Dresden's chest, his finger above Dresden's heart.

"A king must not have remorse, or sorrow for whatever course of action he takes, for the good of the people" He said coldly, his blue eyes burrowing into Dresden's soul. Before the young lord could ask the meaning of those words, Heraldis quickly spun round again and sped away from Dresden.

"We're done for today, keep up your studies, stay away from bar wenches, and well, don't get poisoned and die" He said has he raised a hand in farewell. Dresden stood in the deserted hallway, musing over the day. As he began to walk, he heard a familiar voice, a voice that made him stop in his tracks.

"Are you still brain dead from my last thrashing?"

The hair on the back of Dresden's neck rose with each word spoken from that arrogant mouth.
Kelsie.

The young man stood ahead of him, and slowly walked towards Dresden. He wouldn't dare attack me...Would he? Dresden thought to himself has he felt his old wounds begin to ache. Kelsie was close to him now, and Dresden stood up to him, face blanched yet defiant, expecting the worst. Kelsie got on his knees, and bowed to Dresden.

"I am sorry, Dresden. May your wounds heal quickly, My lord" Kelsie said, still bowed to the young man. Dresden was taken aback, not knowing what to say. It was silent, and Kelsie raised his head slightly, his eyes peering from the red hair that cascaded in front of them.

"Y-You are dismissed, Kelsie" Dresden stammered, not knowing what to say. Kelsie rose from his position, turned, and left as quickly as he appeared. Did he actually seek me out..? Dresden thought. Kelsie wasn't one to respect authority, and yet he had sought Dresden out, and apologized for something that, from a diplomatic point of view, Dresden was responsible for. Whatever the reason, Kelsie showed his weakness by apologizing to Dresden. The young noble, alone in the hall, began plotting his revenge, not ready to forgive Kelsie just yet.
  





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Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:34 pm
Soulkana says...



Since I haven't read any of the other chapters I might be off a little bit but to be honest I loved this chapter ^^. Still very gripping and impacting. I shall read the others once I have finished reviewing....ermmm.....studying XD. Either way this was really amazing and I can't find anything spelling or grammar wise wrong with this. The descriptions and emotion all seem to work well so I'm sorry this wasn't much help for criticizing haha. Keep up the good work.
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 1:07 pm
LindsayG says...



"We're done for today, keep up your studies, stay away from bar wenches, and well, don't get poisoned and die" He said has he raised a hand in farewell. Dresden stood in the deserted hallway, musing over the day. As he began to walk, he heard a familiar voice, a voice that made him stop in his tracks.

"Are you still brain dead from my last thrashing?"

The hair on the back of Dresden's neck rose with each word spoken from that arrogant mouth.

Kelsie.

The young man stood ahead of him, and slowly walked towards Dresden. He wouldn't dare attack me...Would he? Dresden thought to himself has he felt his old wounds begin to ache. Kelsie was close to him now, and Dresden stood up to him, face blanched yet defiant, expecting the worst. Kelsie got on his knees, and bowed to Dresden.

"I am sorry, Dresden. May your wounds heal quickly, My lord" Kelsie said, still bowed to the young man. Dresden was taken aback, not knowing what to say. It was silent, and Kelsie raised his head slightly, his eyes peering from the red hair that cascaded in front of them.

"Y-You are dismissed, Kelsie" Dresden stammered, not knowing what to say. Kelsie rose from his position, turned, and left as quickly as he appeared. Did he actually seek me out..? Dresden thought. Kelsie wasn't one to respect authority, and yet he had sought Dresden out, and apologized for something that, from a diplomatic point of view, Dresden was responsible for. Whatever the reason, Kelsie showed his weakness by apologizing to Dresden. The young noble, alone in the hall, began plotting his revenge, not ready to forgive Kelsie just yet.


Wow, what a play of words...that was pretty awesome. Great job, like Soulkana said gripping, even if you haven't read the previous chapters.

No grammar errors for me either so....I guess in the light of our present predicament, there's only one thing left to say...

Good luck, and keep writing.....

Wait, make that two.
I write because there's nothing left to say...
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:23 pm
OriginalKommadant says...



tHANXXXXXXX
  





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Wed Oct 05, 2011 6:20 am
LookUpThere says...



This piece had a few 'winning' moments for me:
"You really are a child, aren't you?" He asked Dresden with a voice of impetuousness.

Winning!
...pretended that he was not related to the inbred.

Winning!
I see his face whenever I feel my own weakness"

Image

I liked those lines because they were powerful and as one of the above reviewers said, were like a play on words. Okay, not really a play on words so much as a play with words. I want to know, OK (that might be the worst nickname I could give you... I'll think of something else) - does this writing thing come easy to you? Using my Sherlock Holmesian skills I deduce that you read a lot. I can see it in your style of writing. Everything's there. Plot, character, setting... all in the right proportions and skillfully handled. SO from now on I'm gonna be harsher to you, but my reviews are going to be shorter as you're perhaps a better writer than I.

First of all - PLOT
Up until now things have just been happening. You've been setting the stage beautifully. I can foresee several plots coming:
An Invasion On The Capital
Dresden Dealing With Kelsie
Corruption - Will Dresden fall prey?

So I urge you to get on with it my brother! No more exposition, somebody needs to get kicked soon. That said proceed with patience and the skill that you have. I'm pretty sure you've got all this planned out. So kick it into high gear.

Characters
In the previous chapter the names finally started sinking in. First of all I praise what you've done with Kelsie. However I feel that you might let him down soon. I'm not sure, do you want us to feel sorry for him, to hate him or to cheer for him. At the moment he's just an interesting character to watch but I think you need to give us a glimpse into his mind. That said, you've really put some focus on this character. Well done.

Dresden - he's turning out to be more complex than the typical boy hero. Keep it coming!

Setting
Meh... there's not much. I think in this chapter you could have described the landscape a little bit more. I beg of you, however, don't fall into the Paradise Trap? Don't make this the most diverse place ever. Often people can know what continent they're looking at just by the landscape (quite obviously). Make sure you have a very specific type of land here. You can even model it after existing landscapes if you want - that way people will relate easier and you can spend less time describing.

Style
This is my only criticism, and yet I still have some praise for you. First of all you need to add more spice. (BTW in the previous chapter you might want to italicize the bad guy's text) I don't really have time to say right now so I'll comment on that in the next chapter.

-------------------------------------------

Overall, well done buddy. Sorry for the review which wasn't so hot but yeah...

God bless,
TheNewHero.
  








Writing is my soul made tangible on paper.
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