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Utopia Chapter 1 "The dawn of a God"



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Wed Sep 21, 2011 1:04 am
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



This is a story I've writen, rewriten, and everything I could possibly do to it. I think it's awsome and I hope to get lots of feed back. Part 2 will be up soon so tell me what you think. I wasnt sure what to put it under so...yeah.

I hear the annoying buzzing of my alarm clock. It sounds more like a voice laughing at me and saying I must get up to go to school. I slam my hand on the off button and drag myself from the bed. I then take a minute to look around my room. I look around seeing the Bruce Lee poster over my bed, the dark blue paint it rests on, my bookshelf to the right of my bed, and my TV across from it. You’d think living in New York City would be exciting…it isn’t. I live in Queens where nothing happens. I get up, go to school, come home, eat, and go to bed. That’s my life. I open my door and cross the hall to the bathroom. Inside I look in the mirror and say to the creature looking back at me. “What are you doing here. Go and get the hell out of this hell hole.” I say with a disappointed tone. Why on earth I stay in this place is beyond me.
After I brush my long black hair, and brush my teeth, I head back into my room. I open my closet and I throw on my favorite pair of American Eagle jeans and a black Green Day shirt. I grab my backpack and head down the hall, down the stairs, and into the kitchen. I look at the bright yellow walls and the white tile floor and almost become blind from the reflected light. Inside, my mother was in her favorite yellow sun dress and her snow white apron taking something out of the stove. Mom was always a happy person. She rarely had a time where she was sad or angry. She always had her bright blond hair in a bun and always had a smile on her face. My dad however, was different. In the middle of the kitchen sat the dinner table and at it sat my dad. He barely smiled and he always wore a black suit and tie with his hair slicked back. Working in a big business office, I expect nothing less. Neither did his superiors. “Hello James. How did you sleep?” Mom asks me from across the room.
“Fine I guess.” I say in an awkward voice. Dad didn’t say anything. He just read his paper like every other morning.
After breakfast, I headed out to meet the bus. It pulled up as if it were waiting at the corner for me. I get on and think to myself, Another day at the garbage pit of the world. I hated my school. Last year I thought going to high school would be the best thing to happen to me…I was wrong. Instead I have to deal with everyone in the whole place hating me. Two people are to blame for this. One is Michael Tork. He is a big, fat, red headed punk who has hated me since the day we met. He doesn’t have a reason to hate me but I don’t care. We’ve fought several times and I always win. I’m a lot stronger then I look. I’ve beat him so bad he couldn’t come back to school for a week.
The other is Ashley Sims. She’s the pretty, blond, bad girl of my school. I used to date her in 8th grade. After a while she became aware of something, she is the prettiest girl in the school. After some time she became the girl every guy wanted but only few could have. She soon wanted me to become a football player. She thought the hottest girl in school should date a sports star. But I didn’t like football or most sports, so she dumped me. Then she spread roomers saying I was dangerous or crazy. Only one thing hasn’t occurred to the two. I don’t care. I don’t need to fit in. it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t need anyone.
After a few minutes, I notice we were coming up to my best and only friend, Troy Mathews. He’s the black kid who tries to fit in, but usually can’t. He always wears these turtle necks and a pair of jeans. Why I do not know, but he does. He’s a scrawny kid but he was alright. We met a few last year right after Ashley dumped me. We didn’t hang out for a while. One day I found Michael beating on him and I stepped in. We’ve been pales ever since. “Hey James, ready for another day in hell.” He asks me with a laughable smile on his face.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I say without even a grin. He just starts to laugh.
Finally we arrive at our school in the city. It’s just a three story, brick building with a flag pole out front and that was it. In side the first thing I notice is Ashley. I could smell her perfume from a mile away. She used to dress like the cute innocent school girl, now she could pass off as Ke$ha. With her eyeliner poured on, the pink strips in her bright blond hair, and the ripped pair of old jeans and a see through shirt.
She can always tell when I’m around. Whenever I walk in the place she always appears looking at me or she turns towards me when I walk in. I don’t pay attention to the slut. I don’t care.
After my first block class, I head down the halls and to the first floor to the cafeteria. First thing I notice was Michael sitting at his table with all his punk friends. In the cafeteria, everyone has a clique and every clique has a table. Me and Troy even have our own table. Only one other person sat with me and Troy, Lindsey Jackson. She is the shyest person I’ve ever met. She was a cute girl with lightly tanned skin, blue eyes, and white hair. Yes I said white hair. Everyone thinks she’s some kind of party girl who liked her hair dyed white. But it wasn’t dyed. Her hair was actually just so blond that it looked white. If you look close enough you can see it. We met when Ashley and her pack were picking on her on the second day of this year. I came along and they ran with their tells between their legs. We’ve become good friends but she doesn’t really open up to me that much.
After noticing Michael, I noticed Troy at the back of the line. I look back over at Michael and him and his gang getting up and heading towards Troy. I start to walk to try and stop them. Unfortunately they reach him before I do. First his friends circle Troy and then Michael steps in. Michael pushes Troy up against the wall and his gang close in. I then step up behind him and say, “Back the hell off if you know what is good for you.” with warning.
“Well, well, well, looks like we have the brave hero James. Here to save your friend again?” he says thinking he’s intimidating.
“You bet I am now back off!” I warn him again. He then draws back his fist and throws the first punch. I duck and throw one to his gut. He bends over and steps back with his arms around his stomach.
“Drop this fool!” he yells to his thugs. They were all bigger then me but I was smarter. One came at me from the front but I stepped to the left and he plowed into another guy that was behind me. Two more came at me from my left and my right. I just ducked and they laid a punch in each other’s face. I then gave both of them a blow to the stomach and they fell like rocks.
I step up to Michael and lay my elbow to his back and he drops to the ground like a cinderblock. I then put my foot to his throat. “If you ever try to hurt my friend again, I won’t let you get back up.” I say without any emotion. The next thing I know the principle, Mr. Davison, has me by the arm, dragging me to his office. He opens the door , slams me down in a chair that was in front of his desk, and starts yelling at me. I couldn’t make out what he was saying. All I could do was look the scrawny, awkward looking man over. His beady green eyes looking me over like a dog at whatever he’s wanting to eat. His black hair as sweaty and greasy as a grill. The next thing I know I have him by the tie over his desk with his face drawn but an inch away from mine. “Listen you scrawny bean pole. He was going to hurt my friend and he was going to hurt me. If you want to scream at someone, scream at Michael, not me!” I said with anger. I then released him, turned towards the door and walked out.
After I left Mr. Davison’s office, I decide to roam the halls. It wasn’t time for my second block and I don’t want to go back to the cafeteria and be the subject of every whisper and snicker.
I soon come across Ashley and her gang circled around Lindsey, who is on the ground up against the locker crying. “What’s the matter? Did our little prostitute lose something?” Ashley says waving a picture in front of Lindsey’s face. She makes a grab for it but Ashley raises it above her head out of her reach.
“Enough!” I yell down the hall with a thundering roar. They all jump a little and turn towards me with fear in their eyes. “Drop the damn picture!” I command. Ashley did as I said and then told her gang to run and Ashley followed. I run to Lindsey and bend down to her level. “Are you ok?” I ask her sincerely.
“I’m fine.” she answers back clearing the tears from her eyes. She leans forward and takes the picture from the floor. It was of a guy who looked a little younger then me. He had brown hair, tan skin and was smiling making a peace sign at Times Square.
“Who is that?” I asked her.
“That’s David. He’s my brother.” she says with her eyes filling back up but she doesn’t let them go any further. I could tell by her reaction that something bad happened so I don’t ask. I then sit down beside her. Nobody, not even Troy knows my biggest secret. I have had a crush on Lindsey for a while now. I’ve wanted to tell her but something always holds me back.
“James, do you think I’m a slut or whatever else they call me?” she asked me with tears still in her eyes. My eyes widen with astonishment.
“Of course not. If anything they are. Why would you ask me that?” I ask with sincerity.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ve heard it some many times, that I’m starting to think it.” she said with more tears conjuring from her eyes. I put my hand on her cheek softly and turn her face towards mine.
“No. Don’t you dare start to think that. I hear things about me all the time and I know who I am. I know who James McCoy is and I won’t let anyone change that. You should do the same.” I say with pride. She looks at me with her tear filled eyes. I stand up and offer a hand to pull her up.
All of a sudden everything was a blur. I had Lindsey in my arms and I was kissing her. My eyes were widened open to where I thought you could see my eye sockets. He lips were quivering but they felt warm and tasted so sweet. She then drew back slowly and looked at me with such surprise and then with a smile that I hadn’t seen before.
The bell rings after a second. “I should go.” she says keeping the smile.
“Yeah me too.” I reply. All I have is a surprised look on my face. She turns to walk away but I put my hand on her arm, turn her back to face me and kiss her again. I draw back and she starts to tear up again but smiling.
“Bye.” she says happily.
“See ya.” she then turns and walks down the hall. I turn to head to my class and all I can do is smile.
At the end of the day I start down the steps and decide to walk home. It actually wasn’t far to my house from here. I head across the street, and turn into an alley. I have taken this route ten times before. It came in handy when Michael and his thugs would chase me home. I could always lose them here.
The next thing I know I am laying on my back on the hard wet floor of the concrete. I raise up to see something strange in front on me. It was a gauntlet. A jet black gauntlet with the clawed fingers and a ruby in the wrist. I rose to my feet and pick it up. It is warm as if it had been laying in the sun for hours and yet it was laying in a shady alley. I then look at the ruby. It is beautiful gem that appears to glow. Behind it are three empty wholes of different shapes. I try to put it on but I can only fit my hand in. I then put it in my backpack and continue on home.
I finally reach my door and head inside. I walk in to find mom and dad sitting in the living room waiting on me. The first thought to come to mind was, Davison you bastard. Dad gets up and walks over to me. “Son do you now who called me today?” he asks disappointedly.
“Principle Davison saying I got into a fight and assaulted him?” I say with a sarcastic look.
“Yes, actually.” he says with a little surprise. “Son, fighting won’t solve your problems, specially with elders.” he says.
“Well I don’t care. Did he even tell you who I got into a fight with or what it was over?” I ask cause I know that he forgot to mention it to them or ask me when he brought me to his office. Dad looked at me and back at me. “No he forgot to mention it.” he says with a disappointed face for not thinking to ask or even to think about it.
“It was Michel and his gang. They were about to jump Troy and I warned them to back off but they didn’t listen.” I say with slight anger in my voice.
“Ok, I can understand that some what, but you don’t need to stand up for everyone-” he starts to say but I cut him off saying,
“ Someone has to step up. Someone has to put things where they need to be and if not me then who?” I ask actually hoping for an answer. Dad looks at mom again and back at me again. “Yeah. that’s what I thought. I then storm up the stairs and into my room and slam the door behind me.
I sling my bag on the ground, lie down on my bed, and fall asleep.
I wake up. I could tell it was sometime during the night, but I’m not in my room. I’m in the kitchen. I’m in my kitchen heading for the back door. I try to stop but my body keeps it’s course for the door. I look down and notice I am holding the gauntlet. I’m in the backyard heading for my dad’s tool shed. I keep trying to fight whatever is making me go there but I can’t stop. I’m on the threshold of the shed. I open the door and step in the darkness. Suddenly I find the sting to turn on the light as if I know exactly where it is. I can now see the work table at the back of the shed, the large tool box at one end of the table, and the assortment of tools hanging on the wall behind the table. I walk to the table and lay the gauntlet down and reach up for the hacksaw. I then lay my right arm down and then place the blade on my arm. My eyes start to tear up and I want to scream but nothing comes out. I close my eyes ready for the pain. I feel the blade cut into me but I don’t fell pain. I open my eyes to see me cutting into my arm. All I can do is look at the bloody mess with total confusion. I can feel it in my arm but it doesn’t hurt.
I finally sever my arm completely and then place what is still attached to me in the gauntlet. There’s a reddish glow from the inside of the gauntlet and now I can move the fingers of the gauntlet. I place my hand on the gauntlet and I can feel it as if it is my real right arm. I am astounded by this. I thought to myself, What have I discovered?
I start to stare at the gauntlet for a few moments. What is this? I thought to myself with amazement. First, I wake up in my kitchen and walk out to my Dad’s work shed. Then, I saw off my right arm and I don’t feel any pain what so ever. Finally, this thing becomes part of my own body. “What the hell is going on here?” I say to myself.
“Maybe I can be of use?” a voice from nowhere says. I jump at the sound of the voice. I turn to see a large black wolf standing in the middle of the shed.
“Were,…were you talking to me?” I ask not really expecting an answer.
“Yes I was.” the wolf says plane as day. I jump back at the sound of it’s voice.
“Who are you!? What are you?!” I ask in a demanding tone.
“In your language, I am a shadow dog. I am the humble servant and protector of the gauntlet. You may just call me Shadow.” He says in a most polite tone. I calm down and approach the wolf.
“Ok, Shadow, mind telling me what the hell is going on with this thing.” I ask demandingly.
“Certainly. The gauntlet you’re wearing is a powerful relic. It gives wearer the powers of god. You can bend time and space at your will. Of course, when you find the missing pieces, you will.” he explains.
“What do you mean, missing pieces?” I ask puzzled.
“As you can see there are three missing pieces from the gauntlet. With the one you have now you can only do so much. Right now you can create things from ordinary objects or nothing at all. You can also give them special properties. You can give and take abilities of other living things. But, with creating, if you try to create things that are too much, it could leave you weak for a moment or possibly kill you if it is too much.” He says.
“I think I understand. So I can use this how ever I want? Good or evil?” I ask curiously.
“Of course. It is your tool to command.” he says bowing his head. I smile at him but he doesn’t see me.
“Ok, so can I make it look like a regular arm?” I ask.
“Yes. Just concentrate on what you wish to do and it will be done.” he answers. I close my eyes and concentrate as hard as I can. A few seconds pass and nothing happens. I open my eyes and say,
“Nothing happened?”
“I wouldn’t be so sure.” the wolf says smiling. “Look at your hand.” I look down and my arm looked normal. It felt like real skin. I smile in amazement.
“Alright! This is awesome!” I yell. “So what can you do exactly?” ask the shadow.
“I am able to pass through walls like nothing. If I’m slain then two copies of me appear and I can control both. I can take any form a please, and I can create my own weapons and armor for myself and my copies.” he lists. “That’s amazing!” I say with my eyes widened.
“So what is your command master?” he says bowing his head again. I take a minute to think.
“For now I want you to disappear and only appear when I call for you. That understood?” I ask.
“Yes master.” he answers. He then starts to disappear into the ground like a ghost, leaving only a thin black mist of smoke behind. I then sneak back into the house and climb into bed. As I lay in my bed all I can think is, I’m no longer just some kid… I’m a god.
The annoying sound of my buzzer goes off and I hit the off button as soon as it sounded. After what happened last night I couldn’t sleep. I feel so good that I could stay awake for the rest of my life. I get up with a smile on face, brush my teeth, get dressed and head down to find Mom and Dad down stairs like the morning before. “Morning Mom, morning Dad.” I say walking in with a smile on face that made them put a confused look on theirs’.
“Morning son, you usually aren’t this up beat in the mornings? You ok?” Dad asks surprised.
“Yeah. I just, I just feel good today.” Dad looks at me and just knobs.
On the bus all I could think about was last night. The fact that I had the power of a god literally in my hand was just so exciting. When we arrived at Troy’s stop, he gets on and sits in the seat in front of me like every other day. “I didn’t see it in the paper this morning.” he says out of no where.
“What?” I asked confused.
“About Hell freezing over, cause that’s the only thing that could make you smile.” he says laughing at me.
“Ha ha, very funny. But listen I got good news. Come back here.” I whisper to him. He gets back in the seat and binds down close.
“What’s up?” he asks. I then concentrate as hard as I can on my arm. After a second the flesh on my arm started to singe and peel away, revealing the black gauntlet underneath. I look at Troy and he was astonished.
After making the flesh reappear on my arm, I took the time to explain what happened last night to him. He believed every word I said, how could not after seeing the flesh on my arm peel off? After I got everything out he asked, “So what are you going to do with that thing?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t figured it out yet.” I answer him. I look up to see that we had arrived at the school. “Listen, don’t tell anyone about this ok.” I tell him.
“Don’t worry man this secret is safe with me.” he says.
After first block I was on my way to lunch when I saw Lindsey in the hall. I run up behind her and yell, “Boo!” and she jumped ten feet in the air and turned to face me with a mad look on her face.
“Are you trying to give me a heart attack?!” she says in a cross between anger and laughter.
“Oh come on. It wasn’t that bad.” I say with a smile.
“Well, we need to talk.” she says changing her face to a more serious and awkward look.
“Ok. What about?” I say changing my look to match her.
“There’s a rumor going around that we’re dating. Someone must have saw us…you know…” she says looking up at me and down to the ground.
“Well…is it just a rumor or…?” I ask.
“Well…do you want it to be just a rumor?” she asks with a hoping look in her eyes.
“In all honesty. I don’t. I’d actually like it to be…true. If you want it to be.” I say half wanting the words to run back into my mouth.
“Well…I’m ok with it if you are.” she says with an awkward but happy smile.
“Then it’s settled.” I say with a smile. She then puts a full happy look on her face and her cheeks start to turn red. I take her by the hand and start to walk in the cafeteria. “By the way, I have something awesome to show you later. Your gonna flip when you see this.” I tell her with a knowing look on my face.
In the cafeteria, we head over to our table hand in hand. As soon as we enter everyone looks over at us and starts to whisper. Of course we’d be the subject of the conversations. We get to our table to find Troy waiting on us. “Hey guys.” he says with a smile that then turns to a confused look and then to back to a smile. “So anything you all want to tell me. Like a certain rumor that might actually be true?” he says in a sarcastic tone.
“Nah not really.” I say with the same sarcasm as him.
“Sure you don’t.” he says again with the sarcasm. Lindsey just sits beside me quietly with a smile. All of a sudden, A feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong.
“Well, well, well, what do we have here? A couple of love birds?” a voice, that I know too well to not know who it came from, says in a cocky tone. I turn around to find lonely Michael behind me.
“Back to get your head kicked in again for the hundredth time?” I say with a tone that could set a forest on fire.
“What did you say you little piece of bird shit?” he says getting in my face.
“Do you have scum in your ears too, cause gladly clean that out with the rest that makes you up as well.” I say coming nose to nose with him. You could see that he wanted to draw back his fist and slug me, but I could see the fear in his eyes. I know he doesn’t actually think he could beat me. He stepped back and started to walk. I turn back to sit in my chair, but then I feel a hand on my shoulder and the next thing I know I’m in the air flying across the cafeteria. I hit the ground with a huge bang and role over on to my stomach.
“Ha ha ha ha! I knew it! You’re nothing but an idiot that thinks he can do everything!” I hear him laugh. The next thing I know I feel my right arm start to feel hot. I look over to see that the flesh had burned off again. I get up from the ground to turn towards him. He, right away, noticed the gauntlet, and so did everyone else because I could hear them whispering about it.
“What the hell is that?” Michael says with a look of confusion and fear. I then feel myself rise from the ground. I was hovering about three feet in the air. You could here the gasps of fear from the crowd. Michael starts to back up in fear. I float towards him with a look of rage on my face. I look over to Troy and Lindsey. Troy had a look of amazement on his face and Lindsey like she had just seen an angle. I raise my right arm level to my face. My fingers start to glow and four razor sharp blades were left in their places. I drop my arm to my side and the blades drop to the floor and behind them were chains that connect to my knuckles.
Michael backs up in horror to the wall of the cafeteria and slides down to the floor. I float closer to him. I swing the chain behind my head and circle them around right through Michael’s neck. His head falls to the ground and his body went limp with blood squirting from his neck. Everyone starts to scream and run for the exits. Suddenly I hear several men’s voices from behind me. I turn to see several police men with pistols drawn. I hear the shots and feel my body become pierced, but I felt no pain. I look down to see the bullet holes but no blood. I then feel the wounds close up and heal. I look at the police men looking at me with fear and disbelief. I look at them with a smile that could scare Death himself. The men run back out the door and I hear one of them say to call for back up. I float down to the ground, retract the chains, turn the tips back into fingers, and turn to Troy and Lindsey. Troy had a look of amazement still on his face and Lindsey somewhat scared of me. I walk over to Lindsey feeling disgrace. I figure she’ll call me a monster and run off.
“What…are you?” she asks me in a frightened tone.
“I’m a god. Well, I will be.” I say with a sigh.
I then explain to her what happened the night before. She just listened quietly with out a word. After I was done I said to her,
“Alright. You can call me a monster and leave now.” I look down at the ground waiting to hear her just walk off or something, but I then feel her hand on my cheek, pulling my face towards her, and her pressing her lips to mine. They were soft and sweet. My eyes widen with astonishment. I pull back and put my hands on her arms and say,
“Ok... That was unexpected.” I say in an awkward and confused voice.
“I don’t think you’re a monster. I think you’re a man. You are the man I fell in love with the day I met you. And now, I’m in love with a god.” she says with tears starting to pear out of her eyes. She puts her arms around me and presses her head to my chest. I then put my arms around her as well.
“Guys look out!” I hear Troy yell. I look behind me to see several SWAT men with automatic rifles coming into the cafeteria. They all aim their guns straight for us.
“Put your hands on heads and get on the ground!” one of them yells. I yell for Shadow. He then appears from the floor like a ghost beside me. The hair on his back stiffed up, his claws extended from his paws. He starts to snarl at the men baring his teeth. I turn to Troy and lift my right arm. I concentrate and a spark of lightning arises from my palm. I then release it on to Troy and it surrounds his body. He then starts to grow larger. The lightning soon disappears and Troy was now a taller, muscular, form of him self.
“Wow! That’s cool!” he says with a deeper voice then his old one. I then look over to an emergency fire ax on the far side of the cafeteria that was in a locked metal box. I concentrate on it and it bursts out of the box and flies straight to me. I catch it and then I turn it into a battle ax before everyone’s eyes. I then throw it to Troy.
“Lindsey, stay out of this.” I tell her looking over my shoulder. She nods and steps back. I look back at the men and smile. I then think to myself, This is gonna be fun.
The men line up in a row and aim their rifles. If I couldn’t be killed by a shot through my heart, I doubt another would do any better. I take one step forward and they unleash hell on us. They start to fire everything they have. They keep it up for about five minutes before stopping to see if there was anything left. Unfortunately, there was. I look as if I had just been standing there the whole time. My clothes were filled with holes but that was it. I look back at Troy and he’s in the same condition. He looks down and starts to move his hands up down his torso trying to feel holes or blood but nothing is there. When I transformed him, I wanted him to be able to withstand everything I could, or at least some things.
I draw my right arm back and extend it to the ground. With a sound that was like when a swordsmen draws his weapon, my entire hand is transformed into a sword blade. It’s not anything special. It’s only about as long as my elbow to my fingertips. I then charge at them with the blade drawn back, ready to strike. I could see Shadow out of the corner of my eye running beside me, baring his teeth and I could hear Troy’s footsteps from behind me. The officers, again, unleash a swarm of bullets and smoke on us, but it does nothing. I send the blade through one of their helmets and out the back. Shadow jumps on one of them, sending his teeth into their neck. I hear Troy let out a yell of furry and the sound of his ax slicing through one the officer’s body armor, and body.
Killing them was a piece of cake. There were only twelve or so. The blade that extended from my wrist is covered in blood from the tip to my wrist. I look down at my clothes and they were soaked in red sludge. I turn to Shadow and Troy and they are no better. Troy was now shirtless with just a pair of bloody, bullet hole filled jeans that look kinda tight on him.
“They’ll be sending more. Lets get the hell out of here.” I tell them walking to Lindsey who came out of hiding. “Are you alright?” I ask her. “I’m fine.” she answers. We then head out the back door only to be met with more guns men. There are at least fifty of them now, all carrying rifles and taking cover behind cars. I pick Lindsey up in my arms.
“Troy, Shadow, keep up alright.” I say over my shoulder. I hear no replies but I’m sure they understood. With a single leap I’m on the roof of a neighboring building and Troy and Shadow and done the same. I then leap to another building, and another, and another till I find us at the top of the Empire state building. The sun was just now starting to go down. The sky was turning bright red and orange with bits of blue in the mix. I look to see that Troy and Shadow kept up.
“This is amazing!” Troy says looking at his new muscular arms and body. I then let Lindsey down. She starts to run her hands through her hair, fixing it from the wind.
“You ok?” I ask her with an apologetic smile. She gives me a smile.
“Yeah I’m fine.” she reply’s.
“Ok guys, we have a problem. We are now wanted criminals of the state. Thoughts?” Troy says realizing that we just killed a high school student and a squad of SWAT officers.
“There’s no problem. With the use of the gauntlet, we can just leave this world. It’s probably a good idea to soon.” Shadow says with his emotionless tone.
“What? This world?” We all say correspondingly.
“Yes. In this world, scientists believe that there are other worlds or “dominions” that exist. This is true, but the gauntlet is the only thing that allows travel between them.” Shadow explains. We understand completely but a question arises.
“You said it would be a good idea to leave soon. Is our current situation the only reason?” I ask with a since of knowing that there’s more.
“No. This world will soon end.”
“What?!” Lindsey and Troy yell in response.
“Yes. Soon the governments of the eastern and western hemispheres will come together to make two world superpowers. At first there will be peace for a short time. Then the two powers will become greedy and wish to take the other for themselves. A war will take place everywhere. Everyone will be forced to take a side. Soon both sides will design a nuclear weapon strong enough to wipe the other side of the world clean of life. They will both launch these weapons. The weapons will collide and the entire Earth will be whipped clean of life. Nothing on land, sea, nowhere will be safe.”
We all make a face of horror at this news. Lindsey starts to cry, Troy falls to the ground in shock, I just take it like a hard blow to the stomach. I then turn towards the setting sun and start to think. After a second of thing, it hits me.
“Shadow, when will this happen?” I ask still looking in the now orangeish-red colored orb.
“These events will take place in the year 2020.” he says in an unchanging tone. Hearing that fact almost made want to fly as far into the sky as I could.
“Then I know what we need to do.” I say turning to face them. “We’re going to build an army. We’ll build an army so strong that the people of this world will have no choice but to give in to our control.” I say with a look of power in my eye.
“What?” they all say.
“Think about it. If there’s one power to control the world then no one can fight and those who do I can either settle the fighting or stop it.” I answer.
“Ok. So where do you plan to get solders?” Troy asks.
“We’ll get them from other worlds. We’ll go to them and help them with whatever they need in exchange for their service.” I explain.
“This plan is absolutely crazy…I’m in.” Troy says with an optimistic tone. Something I didn’t see coming.
“I’m in if everyone else is.” Lindsey says with a shy smile.
“Then it’s agreed. I turn towards the setting sun again. “Look out world. You’re about to be conquered.”
Last edited by scifyfantacywriter01 on Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:33 am, edited 5 times in total.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 4822
Reviews: 220
Wed Sep 21, 2011 6:42 am
Jennya says...



Okay this is very long. Will take me a while to get though. I get what you mean by the re writing though.

Now the first thing I notice is the constant use of 'I', it a little over used at the starts of your sentences, It's hard to avoid when your writing in first person though. But it does give it an monotonous tone which is not good, just to action based. So far ( first few lines) your character seems interesting. I suggest separating your paragraph into smaller ones though.
I throw on my favorite pair of American Eagle jeans and a black Green Day shirt.
I have an issue with this, don't but your character into a 'uniform' just yet. Try not to show to much, leave it a mystery.
Your telling us to much about your character. Show us the bullies before you mention them, show us them, not just tell us.

Don't say
Code: Select all
He’s the black kid who tries to fit in but usually can’t. He always wears these turtle necks and a pair of jeans.

You used this to characterize the father, its better than what you did with the best friend.
Dad didn’t say anything. He just read his paper like every other morning.
Your showing us what the father is like, not telling us! Its good :)

Oh and also run over the grammar and spelling, try reading out loud, it helps with picking up mistakes.

I didn’t pay enough attention to the slut. I didn’t care.
things like this, not 'telling' really help characterize your character. I also suggest you, in your imagery, to explore the other senses. Furthermore, try and cut out unnecessary actions.
Your speech mark grammar needs reviewing, YWS has good articles on grammar.

The rest isn't bad. What I have said earlier applies to everything. You need to work on the flow of our writing. I suggest just more practice and careful reading of your won work. Try and hint things, not tell things and try to let the reader themselves ( be very aware of the reader) figure things out themselves, direct them but not push them.

Good stuff!
Stay gold, Ponyboy - S.E. Hinton
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1950
Reviews: 32
Sun Sep 25, 2011 1:52 pm
Starrywolf says...



I didn't notice any grammar issues, so we'll skip that.

And now I'll actually read instead of skim. :)

The first three scentences don't really seem to flow. I think it might be the fact that they're all the same length. Maybe add more detail and a comma to one or something?

I get what the last poster meant about the word 'I." Just a tad overused. I can't offer suggestions, that's the reason I write in the third person.

I look around seeing the Bruce Lee poster over my bed, the dark blue paint it rested on, my bookshelf to the right of my bed, and my TV across from my bed.


In this, I felt you used the word 'bed' too many times. This is how I would write it (it's not like it's a huge deal though, just my suggestion.)

I look around, seeing the Bruce Lee poster over my bed, the midnight blue paint it rested on, and the bookshelf to my right. I then look forward, seeing the TV.


Or... something like that.

I live in Queens where nothing happens.

I would put a comma after "Queens." Just to make it read smoother.

“Hello James. How did you sleep?”

This seems a bit formal for the way you described the mom. Maybe for the dad, but not the mom. Unless you have a reason for it.

I disagree with the last poster about Troy. Sometimes telling is okay. It's better than everything being symbolic, metaphoric, overly-described, and just plain overcomplicated. Always tell more than show, but tell at least a little.

“Well, well, well, looks like we have the brave hero James again. Here to save your friend again?”

You used the word again twice.

Wow, that's long. xD
I'll save you from a monster review and cut it off here.
  








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