Young Writers Society

Devils are normally placed beside bad, but no one wonders how they are made. When they are made there is no way they can be changed back to their formal self. Once he is made, no one can understand his situation, they just curse him for his actions.
"What do you mean James isn't anywhere in the house?", Chief inspector Peter almost shouted, furious as to how James could move out without anyone stopping him. From his years in experience he knew that there was no way he could have just moved out without any cop helping him. He turned towards his partner, Matt. "We've got to find James before he does something stupid, with this situation, no cop will pass him by without helping him.", he said to his partner who nodded and walked away to do his job. Situations like this was what Peter always despised and hoped never occurred. With a cop's family dead, all cops would be pissed off and hoped that the scumbag who did this should be brought to justice. He also knew that with corrupt justice system they were in, the culprit could easily find his way to vanish freely. Before he could move, some men came up to him, dressed formally in suits. "What are you Feds doing here?", the inspector asked not being surprised as to their presence here. One of them smiled, "Could we talk to you privately?".
It was almost 7 pm when two men met in a dark alley. Both were armed prepared for what might happen if guns were brought out. "This was not what we told you to do", one said sounding pissed off. The other seemed to laugh a little. "You told me to shut him up by any means necessary and i deemed it right to visit him at home, his family were there, saw my face and freaked out. They'd seen my face, what else was i supposed to do?", he spoke. The first speaker seemed more pissed off than ever. "You could have just left them, what you did there might cause more problem than we wanted, you better clean it up or no payment", he said and walked away. The remaining person stood there for a while and took out his cell phone. He dialed a number and walked away.
James sat quietly in the bar staring through the glass of the opposite, restaurant called the Red Adams, a five star restaurant. He'd been sitting there for almost an hour and still no sign of his target, Andrew Humming, a lawyer. "You want another beer?", the waitress asked him. "No", he simply said. He knew trusting the law was the right thing and that the police in general had more resources to find the murderer than him alone, but he did it for one reason, he wanted to kill the man and anyone responsible. One thing James had noticed about himself was that he could no longer cry, the only thing he felt was anger towards himself for not being at home on time. Maybe if he was just on time for the birthday, he might have saved his family. He looked out again and noticed a man walking out of the restaurant with a woman. He noticed the face from the picture he'd dug up from the internet. He dropped his money on the counter and left, getting into his car and following the one Andrew Humming got in with the woman. He followed them. Soon they were in front of the gates to the house of Andrew and without waiting for anything, James got out and got to Andrew's side of the car. He smashed the window causing both him and his girl to shout in fear. He pointed the gun at him. "Get out", he shouted and literally dragged him out. "What do you want?", Andrew asked in fear. "Information", James said and knocked him out. He left the girl there and took Andrew away.
Matt Yong couldn't believe the information of the full autopsy report. From the in formation, it was as if the family was tortured before killed. Who'd have done something as crazy as this and for what reason. James was the type of person no one hated. He always placed himself first before others. Matt sighed, more sad than shocked. He knew this kind of situation would change a man into what he wasn't.
Andrew Humming slowly opened his eyes to discover that he was chained upside down. He felt dizzy from the feeling of blood rushing into his head. He could hear foot steps. "Who's there?", he shouted feeling his heart beating faster and faster from fear. "Am the only one here", he heard the voice as the person stood in front of him. "Who are you and what do you want?", he asked shakily. James looked angrily at him. "First my name's James Brig". That was enough for Andrew, he knew what would be coming next. James sensed that, he knew Andrew Humming knew something and he'd find out through any means necessary.

Planve,

Devils are normally placed beside bad, but no one wonders how they are made. When they are made there is no way they can be changed back to their formal self. Once he is made, no one can understand his situation, they just curse him for his actions.

Why the switch in the pronoun "they" to "he" ? We're still talking about devils as a whole, right? So it should stay as "they".

From his years in of experience he knew

"We've got to find James before he does something stupid, with this situation, no cop will pass him by without helping him.", he said

Always start a new line/paragraph with each line of dialogue! Also make sure to review basic dialogue punctuation and grammar rules,

Situations like these

Subject-verb agreement error.

and i deemed it

Don't forget your caps

James sat quietly in the bar staring through the glass of the opposite,no comma restaurant called, the Red Adams,

and still no sign of his target: Andrew Humming, a lawyer.

Felt a colon would work best here

but he did it for one reason: he wanted to kill the man and anyone responsible.

And again here.

The bit towards the end showed a really good action sequence, You have a handle at these kinds of stories. I found myself reading faster as it progressed. This would have been excellent, but the grammar is horrendous. Please proofread before posting the work. I've caught some of the jarring mistakes - but please look over how to do dialogue. The punctuations were consistently incorrect.

"Dialogue should always have the punctuation inside the quotations, like so."

"When you want to do something like this," he instructed, "punctuate it like so."

"Unless you want to an end tag," he said.

Keep writing!

~ As always Audy

Hey Hey!!!!!!!

Okay, so I'll just get straight to the point, Beautiful story, beautifully written....need I say more? loLX

But, and this is a tiny but...You should try separating the dialogue from the descriptios, makes it a a really huge paragraph...

"What do you mean James isn't anywhere in the house?", Chief inspector Peter almost shouted, furious as to how James could move out without anyone stopping him. From his years in experience he knew that there was no way he could have just moved out without any cop helping him. He turned towards his partner, Matt. "We've got to find James before he does something stupid, with this situation, no cop will pass him by without helping him.", he said to his partner who nodded and walked away to do his job. Situations like this was what Peter always despised and hoped never occurred. With a cop's family dead, all cops would be pissed off and hoped that the scumbag who did this should be brought to justice. He also knew that with corrupt justice system they were in, the culprit could easily find his way to vanish freely. Before he could move, some men came up to him, dressed formally in suits. "What are you Feds doing here?", the inspector asked not being surprised as to their presence here. One of them smiled, "Could we talk to you privately?".

It was almost 7 pm when two men met in a dark alley. Both were armed prepared for what might happen if guns were brought out. "This was not what we told you to do", one said sounding pissed off. The other seemed to laugh a little. "You told me to shut him up by any means necessary and i deemed it right to visit him at home, his family were there, saw my face and freaked out. They'd seen my face, what else was i supposed to do?", he spoke. The first speaker seemed more pissed off than ever. "You could have just left them, what you did there might cause more problem than we wanted, you better clean it up or no payment", he said and walked away. The remaining person stood there for a while and took out his cell phone. He dialed a number and walked away.

James sat quietly in the bar staring through the glass of the opposite, restaurant called the Red Adams, a five star restaurant. He'd been sitting there for almost an hour and still no sign of his target, Andrew Humming, a lawyer. "You want another beer?", the waitress asked him. "No", he simply said. He knew trusting the law was the right thing and that the police in general had more resources to find the murderer than him alone, but he did it for one reason, he wanted to kill the man and anyone responsible. One thing James had noticed about himself was that he could no longer cry, the only thing he felt was anger towards himself for not being at home on time. Maybe if he was just on time for the birthday, he might have saved his family. He looked out again and noticed a man walking out of the restaurant with a woman. He noticed the face from the picture he'd dug up from the internet. He dropped his money on the counter and left, getting into his car and following the one Andrew Humming got in with the woman. He followed them. Soon they were in front of the gates to the house of Andrew and without waiting for anything, James got out and got to Andrew's side of the car. He smashed the window causing both him and his girl to shout in fear. He pointed the gun at him. "Get out", he shouted and literally dragged him out. "What do you want?", Andrew asked in fear. "Information", James said and knocked him out. He left the girl there and took Andrew away.


Also, when you're switching from one scene to another you should probably indicate a break on the page like this...

"What do you mean James isn't anywhere in the house?", Chief inspector Peter almost shouted, furious as to how James could move out without anyone stopping him. From his years in experience he knew that there was no way he could have just moved out without any cop helping him. He turned towards his partner, Matt. "We've got to find James before he does something stupid, with this situation, no cop will pass him by without helping him.", he said to his partner who nodded and walked away to do his job. Situations like this was what Peter always despised and hoped never occurred. With a cop's family dead, all cops would be pissed off and hoped that the scumbag who did this should be brought to justice. He also knew that with corrupt justice system they were in, the culprit could easily find his way to vanish freely. Before he could move, some men came up to him, dressed formally in suits. "What are you Feds doing here?", the inspector asked not being surprised as to their presence here. One of them smiled, "Could we talk to you privately?".

* * * * * * *

It was almost 7 pm when two men met in a dark alley. Both were armed prepared for what might happen if guns were brought out. "This was not what we told you to do", one said sounding pissed off. The other seemed to laugh a little. "You told me to shut him up by any means necessary and i deemed it right to visit him at home, his family were there, saw my face and freaked out. They'd seen my face, what else was i supposed to do?", he spoke. The first speaker seemed more pissed off than ever. "You could have just left them, what you did there might cause more problem than we wanted, you better clean it up or no payment", he said and walked away. The remaining person stood there for a while and took out his cell phone. He dialed a number and walked away.


It tells the reader you're talking about something or someone else.

Besides these minor but's...I'd say great work...no, scratch that, beautiful work...and


Keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!