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A play of roses: Chapter 2



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Sun Sep 18, 2011 12:56 am
OriginalKommadant says...



"HE CANNOT BE KING!" And indignant voice called out that erupted the diplomacy chambers into another round of vicious debate. Dresden sat in the crossfire of it all, sitting on the high throne meant for the king-a throne he might lose. The country's highest nobles, generals, and governors all sat on either side of him, four parallel rows, two to his right and left.

"Calm down, Floise. You barely have enough standing to even speak without clearance", A calm but authoritative voice retorted. Dresden recognized that voice easily. It was Kelsie's father and his own father's friend. Not an ethnic Fremon, but in fact an Espagnole, Joze used the connections Acrsicos had made available to him and rose quickly to a high position on the council and in the senate chambers. Dresden remebered him talk about Joze, saying that the man was very hard to read, had an opinion that changed with the seasons, and an anger, that once roused, could lie dormant for thirty years and then strike at the first sign of weakness.

It was this that made Dresden wary of him. In the final polling, it may very well be Joze who decides if he shall stay on the throne, or if they should choose a regent in his stead. The boisterous voice of Floise and his growing troop of supporters drew Dresden back into the debate.

"His Bloodline is nonsense! The last Sanguini died today! And he leaves his pup, his witched pup-"

"Silence! Floise! We are Fremon! not mindless savages who can only tear at each other without making progress!" Another voice called. Dresden knew this man as high general Gerorine, a man with a very kind heart and held a popular standing within the council. Dresden listened intently to him, as what he says could very well turn the tide to his favor.

Gerorine waited until the last grumblings of the men had worn away, and stood from his seat, and walked before Dresden as whispers of shock and dismay floated throughout the hall. He paced to and fro, his old face showing the same strength it had shown when he commanded his cohorts.

"I am disgusted that I am part of the council that brought up the legitimacy of Our beloved Acriscos' son, Dresden, to the throne." He began. His voice was soft, quiet, but it had the sound of a brimming anger, like a tea kettle's telltale smoke before it starts to scream. His back turned to Dresden, he spread out his arms, each one pointing to the rows of men.

"YOU DARE CALL YOURSELVES FREMONS! IN YOU ALL ARE VENOMOUS VIPERS WHO SHOULD BE HANGED!" He called suddenly. The declaration instantly resulted in an uproar of anger among the nobles, which was quickly quelled by Gerorine 's command.

"YOU FOOLS BELIEVE YOU CAN USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO CLAIM POWER FOR YOURSELVES, BUT I TELL YOU THIS DAY, I WILL UNLEASH MY ARMIES UPON THIS GRAND COUNTRY IF ANYONE BUT DRESDEN TAKES THE THRONE!" Gerorine screamed, his voice full of strength and valor. Dresden himself was taken aback by this display. A noble named Euaeis scoffed and rose to challenge him.

"You dare make such a declaration but I think you under estimate your hold on this country's army! They swore an oath to the state, to the council, not to the king, not to you! they are our posess-" Euaeis' speech was cut short by a chortle by Gerorine, who had a wide smile on his face as he spoke gleefully.

"Go to the Hudian front. The savage mountains still held by the Elves. The deserts of Auttermische. Ask those men who they will obey. Your pampered capital legions may fight for you, but how well would they fare against the amassed men who have been fighting for this council? They know who to respect and obey. Not the ones who have sent them on death missions while you sit in your estates and cheat on your wives with exotic slaves!" Gerorine spat.

The entire council was silent as the revelation dawned on them. While Gerorine did not command the entire Eastern Army, he controlled a large portion of it. All he would need to put up a troublesome rebellion was a few more high generals to join his cause. And since he was looked up to and respected, it would not be a hard feat for him to accomplish. The men were silent then, and Gerorine looked upon them expectantly.

"Is there nothing else? May I return to the front? to my men? Or do you plotting thieves need more time to plot your next move against our own people?" He asked. It was silent then, and Dresden felt compelled to speak. "Thank you, Gerorine" He said weakly.

Gerorine turned and walked close to Dresden so close that he could make out the numerous lines and scars covering his old face.

"I did not do this for you, Young lord. I did it for Acriscos." He said simply. Dresden nodded sheepishly, and Gerorine made his way back to his seat.

"One moment, Gerorine". Dresden's heart sank at the sound of the voice. It was Joze, himself standing amongst the nobles. He clapped strongly, a clap that was weakly echoed through the room.

"Beautiful, Beautiful speech Gerorine. When you go back to your front, the bedchambers of the Kubitari whores, be sure to recite it to them" Joze said with a hint of sarcasm. Gerorine's face turned bright red and opened his mouth to protest, but Joze put him down quickly. "Oh Gerorine, you ride into the first battles and then return to our capital like a hero while your men still fight. Do not act like a martyr among corrupt men when you may be one of the most corrupt of us all. You were a great man once, but not anymore" Joze finished. Gerorine, blood red in anger, could do nothing but spit at the ground and return to his seat, and Joze now controlled the floor.

"But, I do agree with your stand. Dresden should take the throne. We are all corrupt men, and he is the last beacon of hope for this dark nation. But, In light of his inexperience, He should only be allowed to rule with the sage wisdom of an adviser, Someone to guide him along the path." Joze continued,

"I do not nominate myself. But my son, Heraldis. He is ambitious, and his young, sharp mind will be a blade against the corruption that has addled ours. He will help Dresden up until his twenty first year, which then Dresden will be officially crowned" Joze clapped his hands together, and looked at then men at both sides of him. Dresden saw that they were nodding in agreement, save a few indignant nobles, such as Floise, who was fanning himself violently. Dresden coughed and rose his head to speak.

"I am young, but This throne is my birthright. I accept the solution that Joze has come up with, and It pleases all parties, as I know that most of you favor Heraldis. He is a good man, and I would enjoy to learn under him. All in agreement, say I" Dresden finished. His voice sounded weak in comparison to the speeches of Joze and Gerorine, but his words rang true. Slowly, the nobles each in turn agreed, and they all bowed, as is tradition.

Joze rose and proclaimed "LONG LIVE DRESDEN! LONG LIVE HERALDIS! LONG LIVE FREMON!" He chanted. He caught some nobles up the fervor, and they chanted as well, forming a deep voiced wall of support that destroyed any open opposition to Dresden in the hall. The young man, soon to be king, closed his eyes, and for the first time, truly realized the reality of his father's demise.



Teharquin watched has his men picked through the Fremon corpses. They found coins, weapons, and various other foreign objects that their Itziksthan neighbors would pay gold for. Teharquin stood strongly, the sun bearing down on his dark skin, dark paint outlining his slanted eyes as is Hubian Tradition for the army general. He walked deeper into the former battleground, and once again, stood above the king of the Fremon. Seeing him now, how weak he was, Teharquin smiled and spat upon the body. He knelt over, and ripped off the Fremon pendant from the royal corpses neck.

"You, Salishi" He called to his Hubian soldiers.

"Desecrate the body, And then throw it into the river for the fish and the gull. Give him the funeral of a criminal" Teharquin ordered, and set his eyes on the Horizon. He would march onto the Fremon capital, and he will conquer all who oppose him.

***
  





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Sun Sep 18, 2011 4:36 am
Butterfly18 says...



Hello, OriginalKommadant.

I like the name, Dresden first of all. :)

Some of the things I noticed.

"HE CANNOT BE KING!" And indignant voice called out that erupted the diplomacy chambers into another round of vicious debate. Dresden sat in the crossfire of it all, sitting on the high throne meant for the king-a throne he might lose. The country's highest nobles, generals, and governors all sat on either side of him, four parallel rows, two to his right and left.

And indignant. Probably a typo but it's an.
You don't need to capitalize the shouted words, add an exclamation point, and use an adjective as well.
Also, this is a speech tag for one character, as well as an action tag for numerous others.
My suggestion to make it read clearer,

"He cannot be king," Floise bellowed. (Maybe here, state his position, his job, so that we understand completely why he really should shut his mouth.)

The diplomacy chambers erupted into vicious debate. The country's highest nobles, generals and governors sat sidelong Floise. (I assume it was Floise they sat sidelong of.)

I'll make suggestions for this paragraph as well.

"Calm down, Floise. You barely have enough standing to even speak without clearance", A calm but authoritative voice retorted. Dresden recognized that voice easily. It was Kelsie's father and his own father's friend. Not an ethnic Fremon, but in fact an Espagnole, Joze used the connections Acrsicos had made available to him and rose quickly to a high position on the council and in the senate chambers. Dresden remebered him talk about Joze, saying that the man was very hard to read, had an opinion that changed with the seasons, and an anger, that once roused, could lie dormant for thirty years and then strike at the first sign of weakness.

"Calm down, Floise. You barely have enough standing to be here let alone speak."

Dresden recognized that calm and authoritative voice. It was Kelsie's father, and his own father's friend. Joze, not an ethnic Fremon but an Espagnole, had used his connections Acrsicos made available to him to rise to a high position in the senate chambers.


(I don't know who him is but I'll just say its his father for examples sake.) He remembered his father talk of Joze having an opinion that changed with the seasons, and an anger that once roused would strike at the first sign of weakness in his foes.

Sound a bit better?

Also, with dialogue, all punctuation like commas, exclamation points etc. go inside the speech marks.

Anyway, I like this bit. It's very interesting. Great stuff.
I have a blog where I made post on editing , with a few references to dialogue. If you want you could check it out and fix up the small issues I noticed you have with dialogue. The link's in my signature.

Hope my suggestions help anyways. :)
  





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Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:31 pm
OriginalKommadant says...



Ok, thanks I'll edit when I have the time...
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 6:17 pm
Incognito says...



I'm only reviewing this for Review Day. Otherwise, it would not be so.

I find your writing very stylish and well done. It flows very well, and your characterization is amazing. You have no problem with description and getting that in there, and there is a couple errors with grammar and punctuation which I believe you can pick up on easily enough. The main thing I want to talk to you about is your dialogue punctuation.

Every single time I read a piece I am left surprised at how many people really don't understand the concept of it. When ever you are describing how someone speaks after dialogue, you have to end the dialogue with a comma and not a period. That also means that the word following, usual a subject pronoun will not be capitalized.
"I did not do this for you, Young lord. I did it for Acriscos." He said simply.

This is a perfect example. That period there should be a comma because you are describing how he said those words. Its really quite logical. Even if you said just 'he said', then it is still a comma because it was said by him. The only exception to this is when you use special punctuation like exclamation points and question marks. Or the word spoke, for god knows why. That exception is just weird.

If you are still confused about it, a good article to help you with it is here.

The other thing about your grammar and punctuation that bugs me is that you tend to randomly capitalize words. Like in the sentence above or:
"I am disgusted that I am part of the council that brought up the legitimacy of Our beloved Acriscos' son, Dresden, to the throne."

You did this throughout the post. Usually words are only capitalized in respect to a higher power such as a god or some sort. I think mainly you are capitalizing words to give them more emphasis. I would just simply italicize them instead. it makes it more pretty and makes it less distracting.

Last but not least, you really don't need to change, but is a personal preference. I do not reading dialogue that is in all caps. You can easily display anger through describing actions and using exclamation points. Its only a personal preference though, its not technically wrong.

Now your actual story I kind of love. It reads like an actual novel, and as I said before, you are great at characterization. I can't wait to read more and take a gander.

Chyeah. Keep up the good work.(:
'Everyone is entitled to be stupid, some just abuse the priviledge.'
  





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There is nothing more radical or counter-cultural, at the moment, than laying down one’s cynicism in favour of tender vulnerability.
— John Green