Young Writers Society

When the pain of loss shows in a man's life, he looses his personality and falls into chaos. Sometimes, this chaos changes into something much worse and he falls into hell. But in this hell, he might become something more different than he was, something broken and twisted, closer to the devil.
James Brigs splashed his way, step by step through the rain on the street towards his home. He knew between his car breaking down, missing his sons soccer practice and being late for his daughter's birthday party, he'd be in the worst trouble ever. Checking his pocket, he felt for the diary his daughter had always wondered and hoped it was the right birthday gift. As he got closer, he slowed down, going through the possible explanations he could give to his wife. Being a police officer wasn't exactly his dream job but it was better than doing nothing. Getting closer to the drive way of his house, his heart skipped a beat, the lights were off. Now he knew he was in trouble. "Ohh shit, I'm dead", he whispered as he knew that his wife and kids might all be mad at him for being worst father of the day. He made his way to the door and slowly removed his boots not wanting to make any sound that would wake anyone up. He reached in his pocket and took out the key but to his shock, the door was opened. He made his notions that maybe, Anna, his wife had forgotten to close the door, maybe waiting for him. Taking careful steps trying not to make any noise he made his way through the house. He stepped on something sticker and guessed that maybe it was some dried crazy drink children drunk. He moved forward into the kitchen and opened the fridge to get a beer to cool his nerves. That's when he noticed a sound, a soft wheezing sound. Slowly, he made his way towards the study where he could hear the sound coming from. He noticed something darker on the floor and slowly reached to the wall for the light switch and turned the light on. The sight before him made his heart stop, his breath seize and the blood in his veins go cold. "Daddy". On the floor laying in a pool of blood was his 4 years old son, Adam and beside him, a piece of paper. James didn't stand for a minute, he sped toward the boy and took him in his arms. Tears streaked down his cheeks. "Don't worry son, everything will be all right", he lied mostly to himself than his son. "He came, he got us all", was what his son whispered last. In a house containing four people, only one was breathing. Without waiting for anything, he run into the kitchen and switched on the main switch and the whole house was engulfed in light to reveal a hell for a man, a hell no one was supposed to bear. The only thing anyone heard was a scream from the Brigs house as James found what remained of his family.
In his line of work, chief inspector Peter Hoofer hadn't seen anything like this in his life. A whole family murdered horribly with the only survivor as the husband , a good police officer. "Andy, what happened here?", he asked one of his men who were first on the scene. "Sir, three dead. One woman, a boy about four to five years old and a girl who was also maybe twelve. A neighbor called us when she heard a scream.". Inspector Peter looked at the crowd of reporters gathering. "Do me a favor, get those damn reporters as far as you can, we don't want them making this harder than it already is.", the inspector said and went on his way into the house. "Where's James?", he asked one of the young officers in uniform. "In the house, seems to be bummed out", the young officer said. Walking into the house, he saw the mess it was in. Blood almost every where. "Jesus", he whispered. "Not even close". He turned slightly to see his friend and long time partner, Matt Yong. "Whoever did this , he might have been a psychopath", Matt said as he led Peter into the kitchen where James sat, crying. "The autopsy result of the young boy states that he was stabbed seven times, two in the chest, one in the abdominal area and four in the back.". That got Peters attention. Someone who could do something as bad as this deserved to be caught. He walked towards James. James was one of the few young officers of his kind. He was always willing to help, respected everyone. Everyone liked him. "Kid, i can imagine how you feel, but you've got to keep it together", he whispered only to the hearing of James. That got his attention. "You can imagine how i feel? You can imagine? No you can't.", James shouted before sitting down, not showing any emotions besides the tears. Peter could see what was going on, James was broken, he'd seen this kind of things in people who've lost their friends and close relatives. "I need to ask you a few things.". James didn't wait for the inspector to bombard him with questions, he just stood up and walked away into his bedroom where he took out a small piece of paper which he had found on the floor beside his son. It was a piece of a letter and contained on small part of three lines. "Andrew Humming needs", was the only thing on the first line. "Make delivery before heat", was the second line and the third line was, "silence him". James changed his clothing, putting on a black t-shirt and blue faded jeans with his sneakers. Picking his Beretta, he slot in a magazine and stuck it in it's holster. Without anymore thought,he went out the window. He wasn't going to wait for the police to get the culprit, he'd do it himself and make the man pay. The law would give the man the chance to live in confinement but he would not think that way. His family was gone and he'd make anyone involved pay the price.

First, this is in blocks of text, which makes it really difficult to follow.

The problems are bigger than that though, because the reactions of the police officer and the circumstances around it seem so... fake.

Consider the reaction of the police officer to the open front door. He looked at it and completely disregarded it. Policemen pay attention to details like that. They are very security conscious and they have made enemies of people. So they won't ignore an unlocked door. Unless his wife habitually left it open. But it's a stretch for a mother to leave a door unlocked, especially when she has young children. The last thing the mother would want is for her young child to exit the house and run around in the street.

You could argue that he was distracted from having a long hard day and thus missed the significance of the door. That wouldn't work though, because policemen are trained to recognize details that are out of place. It becomes second nature to them. He is a father too, which means he is very conscious of his family's safety. This little detail ruins the plausibility of the scene.

The second scene, with the police on scene, is likewise implausible. The way they react is so fake. They are working at the crime scene and they are treating it methodically. Which is what one would do if they came across a complete stranger.

But this isn't a complete stranger. This was a cop's family. This was one of their own that got attacked. Every man on the force, with or without family, would be enraged. Crimes like that hit close to home; you could say it did hit home. There wouldn't be a policemen there that wouldn't execute the perpetrator of that crime like the dog he was. Heck, the Chief Inspector would use that anger to connect with James, so that they could find the bad guy.

Similarly, James wouldn't run off on his own to confront the perpetrator. The police force has more resources then he would have on his own; he'll need them to catch the perpetrator. He would know about these resources and he wouldn't throw them away. Not if he is single minded about killing the perpetrator. He's not thinking logically, he's thinking efficiently.

Keep in mind though, that his fellow officers would be there to keep him from doing something stupid. He wouldn't be able to cross the police line dressed as an assassin.

So there are many implausible aspects of this story that you should take into consideration before you continue this project. It may be easier to start from scratch.

As Griffinkeeper said, this was hard to read because of the blocks of text. Try spacing the paragraphs out a bit more.

When the pain of loss shows in a man's life, he looses his personality and falls into chaos. Sometimes, this chaos changes into something much worse and he falls into hell. But in this hell, he might become something more different than he was, something broken and twisted, closer to the devil.

So, he falls into hell, but he might become more different? Isn't that expected? "But" implies something unexpected.

James Brigs splashed his way, step by step, through the rain on the street towards his home.

always wondered and hoped it was the right birthday gift

Wanted, not wondered.

Getting closer to the drive way of his house, his heart skipped a beat. The lights were off. Now he knew he was in trouble. "Ohh shit, I'm dead," he whispered, as he knew that his wife and kids might all be mad at him for being worst father of the day.

I revised this slightly.

He made his way to the door and slowly removed his boots, not wanting to make any sound that would wake anyone up.

He made his notions that maybe, Anna, his wife had forgotten to close the door, maybe waiting for him. Taking careful steps, trying not to make any noise he made his way through the house. He stepped on something sticky and guessed that maybe it was some dried crazy drink children drunk.

Perhaps, "He thought that maybe Anna, his wife, had forgotten to close the door while she was waiting for him." And, "...and assumed that it was the remnants of some child's drink."

James didn't stand for a minute. He sped toward the boy and took him in his arms.

He didn't stand? What do you mean?

"Don't worry son, everything will be all right", he lied mostly to himself than his son. "He came, he got us all", was what his son whispered last. In a house containing four people, only one was breathing. Without waiting for anything, he ran into the kitchen and switched on the main switch and the whole house was engulfed in light to reveal a hell for a man, a hell no one was supposed to bear.

"...he lied, more for himself than for his son."

In his line of work, chief inspector Peter Hoofer hadn't seen anything like this in his life. A whole family murdered horribly with the only survivor as the husband , a good police officer.

Wouldn't the inspector have seen brutal murders before? I don't understand why this would be new for a chief inspector...

"Do me a favor, get those damn reporters as far as you can, we don't want them making this harder than it already is.",

"Do me a favor. Get those damn reporters as far away as you can. We don't want them making this harder than it already is."

"In the house, seems to be bummed out", the young officer said.

Bummed out? Wouldn't this young officer, James' co-worker, be way more sympathetic than that? Even if he didn't know James, calling a person whose family was brutally murdered "bummed out" would be cruel.

"Kid, i can imagine how you feel, but you've got to keep it together", he whispered only to the hearing of James. That got his attention. "You can imagine how i feel? You can imagine? No you can't.", James shouted before sitting down, not showing any emotions besides the tears. Peter could see what was going on, James was broken, he'd seen this kind of things in people who've lost their friends and close relatives.

Remember to capitalize your Is. "...he whispered to James." How could he be showing no emotions if he was crying and shouting? Also, avoid run-on sentences.

Well, the plot I'm getting from this is nice, but the other comments are right, you need paragraphs. It's a bit hard to read properly with all these sandwiched bits of dialogue.

Also, the reaction is a bit off.
Try putting yourself in those peoples' shoes, how would you react to a scene like that?
Still good.