Young Writers Society

A/N: This is my first posting, so don't be too brutal...
King Acriscos Auditor Sanguini stood among the last of his men. His legion was decimated, His armor covered in blood and vomit. Of his original one hundred, Only twenty or so of them stood now, facing an impossible wall of the dark Hubian heathens. Acriscos raised his sword, and unleashing a godly yell, ran at the Hubian mass. There was no sound then, only the sight of a lone arrow logding itself into Acriscos' eye, his once strong body going limp and eventually hitting the dusty ground, and the proud cape of the Fremon empire billowing over his crippled body.

The sword is the extension of one's self The words of Dresden's master rang in his head as he faced his opponent. He stood still, his lean body rigid, legs firmly planted on the cobbled stone floor. He held his sword vertically, straight ahead of him, the figure of his adversary bisected by his blade. Cooling sweat covered his body, and his tunic stuck to him like a second skin. His breathing was calm, and his mind clear. He would defeat Kelsie this day. He started to pace closer to his rival, circling him, analyzing Kelsie for any weakness. Kelsie, however, stood casually, leaning on his blade, running his scarred hand through shoulder length red hair.

"It's about time you started moving, Fledgling" Kelsie said. His way of speaking was languid and his voice gave way to to feelings of animosity. Kelsie, 19, was two years his senior but anyone who didn't know them would think that number should be higher. Dresden was short, and while physically fit, his bodily frame could not compare to Kelsie's, who had broad shoulders and rippling biceps that were usually hidden underneath a layer of clothing-but today, he wore no shirt, only leather leggings locked to his body with an ornamental belt. As the two faced each other, it was difficult not to note the vast difference in strength between the two.

But Dresden ignored all of that. He knew that today was the day he would drink from the cup of victory. His eyes drifted over to his master, Tra'a Min, a Kabutari slave bought by Dresden's father. Tra'a Min nodded at him and gave him a slight smile. His eyes locked back onto Kelsie, who was currently picking his ear and inspecting the findings on his little finger. Dresden smiled to himself impetuously and allowed himself once more to glance at his small audience, more directly, to Luxian, a beautiful girl from the Western Empire. He had formed a friendship with her, but he hoped his victory against Kelsie would convince her that he was indeed worthy to be a recipient of her love. She smiled at him weakly, and nodded as well, spurring him on. Dresden smiled back, but suddenly heard the cry of his master "DRESDEN! FOCUS!" Tra'a Min screamed, but it was too late.

Kelsie was upon him, his huge figure bearing down on the young boy. Long, sculpted legs easily closed the distance between them, and before Dresden could even react, a long arm grabbed his collar and pushed him backward. Dresden was instantly off balance, at the mercy of Kelsie's blade. Dresden could feel his opponents breath behind him, irritating the hairs on his neck.

"No! I will win this day!" Dresden bellowed, and swung hap-hazardously to his back, in a vain attempt to score a blow on Kelsie. Dresden could hear Kelsie scoff and felt his strong hands on his wrist. Kelsie had him now, and applied inhuman force on Dresden's frail wrists, forcing him to drop his blade. It was quiet then, Neither Dresden or Kelsie saying a word. More time...I just need more time.. Dresden thought, dreading the drum beat that would signal the match was over. A few more awkward moments passed, until finally, the sound of the wooden stick hitting the skin drum was heard.

"The match is over. Kelsie has won, again." The duel official announced. Kelsie released his hold on Dresden and laughed, a laugh that hurt Dresden more than the thousands of blows he'd received from him.

Kelsie spoke in between his laughter, "I think you're actually getting weaker! And that last move!" He snickered and put his hands on his face, "Tra'a Min! What are you teaching him?! That was pathetic! I didn't even sweat!" The victorious man walked to where Tra'a Min and the others stood. He stood before them defiantly, his body glowing in strength.

Luxian eyed him, blushing "Your speed has improved, Kelsie" She said nervously. Kelsie smiled at her, a grinning face filled with beautifully white teeth, framed luscious red hair. "And you grow more beautiful by the hour. I see why your father sent you here. You must have been driving the young noblemen crazy" He swooned, and Luxian turned another shade of deep red.

Tra'a Min nodded towards him. "You will make a great warrior for the Eastern Empire one day" He commended, to which Kelsie responded with a scoff.

"You're no warrior", Dresden suddenly called. His voice stunned the group, as he had been silent throughout. Dresden still stood where he had lost the bout, his body rigid with anger, fists clenched and white. "You're no warrior! Kelsie! You're nothing more than the rejected inbred seed of your father!" Dresden screamed, his words filled with hate. The room was silent then, the matter of Kelsie's parentage and conception were even more taboo subjects than Dresden's losing streak.

Kelsie himself stood stunned, his back still turned to Dresden. Dresden drew himself up and raised his head, pointing an accusing finger at Kelsie. "YOU'RE NOTHING! YOU LIVE HERE ON MY FATHERS WHIM! YOU ARE NO-" Kelsie had heard enough. Before Dresden could say another word, Kelsie had closed the distance between them and unleashed a punch so powerful that the impact echoed throughout the hall. Dresden fell backward and tried to put up a defense. But Kelsie's strength was too powerful. He ripped through the wall that Dresden had tried to build, and unleashed a chain of strikes to Dresden's gut and face. Dresden laid on the floor then, And Kelsie still went at him, straddling him at the waist and releasing even more strikes directly to Dresden's defeated frame.


Dresden's mouth filled with blood and his eyes were almost completely shut. All he could think of was Luxian, and how pathetic he must seem to him. Tra'a Min would scold him for sure, and it would time to recover from Kelsie's attack. He could hear Kelsie's heavy breathing and realized that he had stopped his onslaught. Kelsie rose from his position, and slowly walked out of the room, not saying a word.

"Dresden!" Luxian called. She ran to his side, followed in suit by Tra'a Min. "His eyes-they're almost completely swollen! On, Dresden!" She cried. Tra'a Min stood stoic, his eyes filled with disappointment in his student. They were alone now, just the three of them, when suddenly, a messenger came running into the hall. "Dresden! Dresden! I have word! of the front! of your father!" He came upon them, and inhaled sharply at the appearance of Dresden's damaged frame. "Is he...?"

Luxian stifled her cries as she spoke. "He's unconscious, he needs help! Get the enchanters!" She ordered the messenger with gusto. The man shook his head quickly. "No, the courts are in chaos, we need him in the royal chambers now". Tra'a Min broke his silence. "Whats happened? Don't tell me..." He trailed off. The man nodded. "King Acriscos Auditor Sanguini has fallen in battle against the Hubians..." He looked at Dresden with uncertainty and continued "Dresden...Is now King of the Eastern Fremon Empire" Luxian looked at the man, stunned and confused. She looked at Dresden with even more pain in her eyes than before. "Dresden..." She called out to him, effortlessly.

"The nobles and the councilmen are waiting. He needs to be ready within the hour" The messenger said, and as quickly as he had come, he was gone. Tra'a Min sighed and rubbed the base of his nose, a habit he had grown during his stay in the Empire. "You have so much to learn, and you have been crowned at the worst time" He said, almost a whisper. At that, he got on his knees, and tried to help a frantic Luxian get Dresden to wake as they waited for the Enchanters.

**

The one below. I meant to click preview on this one.

Hmmm, I'm not too sure what to think of this, to be honest with you. I just feel like the plot was a bit too predictable, and that very little happened . I know it's very short, but you could have put in a little more description or information. And now it's time to be brutal!

"Dresden could hear Kelsie laugh audibly." If Dresden heard him, then it's obviously audible. It's redundant, so take it out, or replace it with something like "scornfully", or "maliciously".

"...fists clenched and purple." I have never seen anyone's fists go purple, no matter how angry. Quite a feat, unless he's not human, which for some reason I get the impression he might not be?

"You the rejected inbred seed of your father!" Needs a comma after 'You'.

"But Kelsie's speed, his strength, was too powerful." Don't use powerful here. It doesn't fit because power is: a combination of speed and strength in a single explosive effort (Thank you standard grade P.E.), so is redundant. Also, you used powerful a couple sentences before, so it's a repeat. AVOID REPETITION AT ALL COST! Unless you're trying to make something seem boring and mundane. Maybe use "irresistible" instead?

"Dresden laid on the floor then" This should say, "Dresden lay on the floor."

"Dresden could only taste blood and his eyes were almost completely shut. All he could think of was Luxian, and how pathetic he must seem to him. Tra'a Min would scold him for sure, and it would time to recover from Kelsie's attack (I don't really get what you're trying to say here). He could hear Kelsie's heavy breathing and realized that he had stopped his onslaught. If Kelsie is pummelling the crap out of Dresden's face, I think he's going to realise when he stops. And He'll probably be in far too much pain to worry about Tra'a Min telling him off.)

"He ordered the messenger with gusto." I though Luxian was a she? And maybe change 'gusto' for 'authority'. Just a suggestion of course.

Also, you seem to have a slight problem with capitalisation and punctuation, especially speech. It confused me for a while so don't worry, but it does need fixed. This is what you were writing:

"You're no warrior" Dresden suddenly called. It needs to have a comma after 'warrior', and outside of the speech marks. Like so.
"You're no warrior", Dresden suddenly called. It's a little thing, but you miss it every time. whilst we're on the topic of comma's, you don't need a capital letter after one:
"It was quiet then, Neither Dresden or Kelsie saying a word."
Oh, and after an exclamation mark, you need to have a capital, as it ends a sentence:
"I have word! of the front! of your father!" Both 'of's need to be capitalised.

And one last nitpick. At the end when we find out that Dresden is the new King, it comes from no-where. If you meant it to be a shock, it doesn't happen. I assume that we're meant to be, "Holy crap, his dad is dead!" but I was more, "Wait,. his dad is the King?" If you tell us this earlier on, it'll come as more of a shock when it turns out Dresden is now King.
Apart from this, it was actually quite a good story. I got an excellent read on Dresden's character and Kelsie's arrogance, but you need to develop more on Tra'a Min. He seems more of a plot device than a character, so explore him a bit more. However, if you do a bit more work, this story has excellent potential. Keep it up.

P.S. Am I right in thinking that you're a fan of both Game of Thrones and Assassins Creed?

Yes I love a game of thrones! (Hence the title)

Thanks for the advice...I posted this without proof reading at all (Yeah, I'm bad) So i'll be sure to proofread next chapter, and I'll make the minor edits to the first after that. Thanks!!!

***

Hey man! TheNewHero here to review your work. Firstly I have to say that I loved it. It was, as the previous reviewer said, a bit on the predictable side but at this stage you have little to worry about. There were a few bad things but at the same time I have some praise. So here we go.

First I have to say that the beginning is a bit awkward. I mean, all those names are so typically fantasy and to someone that isn't fantasy it might be off putting - especially pronunciation. Don't go changing it now, but be aware because I feel there might come a time in the writing of what could be a great story where you'll busy out into scary fantasy lingo. It's like a sci-fi book which, in chapter 3, starts about mass-energy equivalence in the dryest of tones. Not that sci-fi books shouldn't talk about that, but it requires a little bit of care and skill. We don't know your characters or your universe as well as you do. You have to introduce it to us whether in the form of a prologue or whether gradually through the story. You're pretty much doing this already but there were a few phrases thrown in that you should really scan through as if you knew nothing about the story. So introduce your universe better, mind the long names

Secondly I want to say that you did an absolutely beautiful job with the characters. Especially Kelsie. I feel like I can judge them now and stereotype them - which is a great thing because it means I think I know them well. So from here on you can start delving into storylines and plot twists and I have absolute faith that you'll develop your characters well and don't need to constantly be reminded to explain them a bit more. What you did right was that you explained them through actions. You didn't tell us that this person was like this. Rather, we saw that Kelsie was really sensitive about his past but not one to take it sitting down when he basically beat the words out of Dresdan's mind. So really, good job.

Then... this

Kelsie himself stood stunned, his back still turned to Dresden. Dresden drew himself up and raised his head, pointing an accusing finger at Kelsie. "YOU'RE NOTHING! YOU LIVE HERE ON MY FATHERS WHIM! YOU ARE NO-" Kelsie had heard enough. Before Dresden could say another word, Kelsie had closed the distance between them and unleashed a punch so powerful that the impact echoed throughout the hall. Dresden fell backward and tried to put up a defense. But Kelsie's strength was too powerful. He ripped through the wall that Dresden had tried to build, and unleashed a chain of strikes to Dresden's gut and face. Dresden laid on the floor then, And Kelsie still went at him, straddling him at the waist and releasing even more strikes directly to Dresden's defeated frame.

Was pretty well written that I put the frown face there to confuse you Well done. It was really, for me, the beginning of the chapter, which isn't a bad thing. It shows you weren't excited and didn't push a climax where it didn't belong. Remember, if you want to sell the story your opening chapter is key... not necessarily your opening paragraph although that is important. This paragraph and the one where Dresdan is pronounced King are key and you pulled them off. Therefore they are subject to scrutiny.

First of all, the key to that paragraph is Dresdan's statement. In the next paragraph you elaborate on Kelsie's 'conception' (interesting choice of words). I feel thought that to truly justify the beating up you should break this up into two paragraphs and in the first one, where Dresdan's statement will be, focus more on the sounds. The air, the gasps, Dresdan's breath, even maybe some kind of terrible grunt from Kelsie or one of these scoff's he does? I dunno. That will help us get the atmosphere as sounds are easier to follow. Then take the beating up in stride, step by step. It's not a long fight so don't be scared to tell us what happened a bit. And be gruesome - it'll add to the great ending. Literally 'the sound of a cracked rib, the feeling of warm blood where it oughtn't be, and no air where it ought to be"

And then the other awesome part:

Luxian stifled her cries as she spoke. "He's unconscious, he needs help! Get the enchanters!" She ordered the messenger with gusto. The man shook his head quickly. "No, the courts are in chaos, we need him in the royal chambers now". Tra'a Min broke his silence. "Whats happened? Don't tell me..." He trailed off. The man nodded. "King Acriscos Auditor Sanguini has fallen in battle against the Hubians..." He looked at Dresden with uncertainty and continued "Dresden...Is now King of the Eastern Fremon Empire" Luxian looked at the man, stunned and confused. She looked at Dresden with even more pain in her eyes than before. "Dresden..." She called out to him, effortlessly.

Ah the beautiful irony! (I think it's irony). I love how Dresdan's been beaten to a pulp only to be claimed King... and I love how you didn't abandon that first paragraph which until this moment felt a bit annoying and awkward. However, let me take this opportunity to rant about dialogue. It might seem trivial if you've heard it or maybe you've never really bothered about it - but be specific. Skip lines between different people talking. At times I got confused. It wasn't too bad but in a paragraph like this it's really key to capture the dialogue. And I recommend that with any paragraph of dialogue you emphasize on sounds - wheezing, gasps, the cold air, and obviously, words. Use punctuation and juxtaposition to add rhythm to your sentences.

So all in all, really good job. I'm giving it a like because I liked it (dweeh ) Keep it up man!

God bless,
TheNewHero

Dude...thank you! you are like a god among men...When I saw that you reviewed my story I was like "Oh SH-"...hahaha.
Thanks i'll make the edits when I have the time! Thank you, sir, and good day.