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Trapped



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14 Reviews


Gender: Male
Points: 1252
Reviews: 14
Fri Sep 09, 2011 9:10 pm
YouWishYouHadThis says...



Image
I'm In A Room, and I Can't

Get Out. Trapped.

Nobody Can't Hear Me.

Nobody Can't Hear Me Cry.

I'm Trapped In A Cage;

Nobody Knows I'm There.

"HELP," I Cry Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares.

I'm Dying In This Cage.

Help Me, Help Me.

I'm In A Place,

A Dark Place

No Light

I'm Trapped In This Place,

Nobody Knows;

I Can't Get Out.

I Try To Cry,

But I Feel So Hurt,

I Can't Cry.

Why, Why, Why. Why doesn't anyone know?

Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares,

I Feel Like

I Can't Do This.

Someone Said,

"Yes You Can."

I Can't, Who Ever It Is.

I Yell "Help, Help!"

I'm So Hurt,

I'm Trapped.
Last edited by YouWishYouHadThis on Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I Can Rock Your World And Live My Life like A Rock star
  





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Points: 1245
Reviews: 142
Fri Sep 09, 2011 9:23 pm
lele253isme says...



Wow, I think this is going to be my favorite poem of yours!!!
  





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170 Reviews
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Gender: Female
Points: 1305
Reviews: 170
Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:27 pm
Boolovesyou says...



Hey Wish,

My only real problem with this is GRAMMAR! You need it desperately. I think I got what you're trying to say, but I'm not sure. As for context its okay. Personally I think its a little melodramatic, and not self explanatory. Seriously, grammar is the back bone to writing, and you can't successfully get you're ideas across with out it. Watch how you cut your lines, especially if there is no grammar.

Example of added grammar:

I'm In A Room, and I Can't

Get Out. Trapped.

Nobody Can't Hear Me Nobody can hear me? Also a period

Nobody Can't Hear Me Cry Nobody can hear me? period

I'm Trapped In A Cage;

Nobody Knows I'm There.

"HELP," I Cry Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares.

I'm Dyeing In This Cage.

Help Me, Help Me.

I'm In A Place,

A Dark Place

No Light Yeah.. Kind of obvious if it's a dark place.

I'm Trapped In This Place,

Nobody Knows;

I Can't Get Out.

I Try To Cry,

But I Feel So Hurt,

I Can't Cry.

Why, Why, Why. Why doesn't anyone know?

Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares,

I Feel Like

I Can't Do This.

Someone Said,

"Yes You Can."

I Can't, Who Ever It Is.

I "Yell" Help Help I Yell "Help, Help!"

I'm So Hurt,

I'm Trapped.
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.
  





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152 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 2634
Reviews: 152
Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:44 pm
Mikko says...



Boo, you missed a spot. Here let me add some little corrections:
I'm In A Room, and I Can't

Get Out. Trapped.

Nobody Can't Hear Me Nobody can hear me? Also a period

Nobody Can't Hear Me Cry Nobody can hear me? period

I'm Trapped In A Cage;

Nobody Knows I'm There.

"HELP," I Cry Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares.

I'm Dyeing In This Cage.

Help Me, Help Me.

I'm In A Place,

A Dark Place

No Light Yeah.. Kind of obvious if it's a dark place.

I'm Trapped In This Place,

Nobody Knows;

I Can't Get Out.

I Try To Cry,

But I Feel So Hurt,

I Can't Cry.

Why, Why, Why. Why doesn't anyone know?

Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares,

I Feel Like

I Can't Do This.

Someone Said,

"Yes You Can."

I Can't, Who Ever It Is.

I Yell "Help Help!" I Yell "Help, Help!"

I'm So Hurt,

I'm Trapped.


And please try to fix the 'every-word-starts-with-a-capital-letter-thing'. Sure, it looks nice, but it's not right.

Apart from your grammar, I think this was a nice piece, just work on the grammar and it could become very interesting.
I was actually quite confued because of your grammatical errors and I think they stop this from being the great piece it could have been. Please touch up on the mistakes we pointed out!

Keep writing!

- Mikko.

Keep writing!

- Mikko.
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  





User avatar
152 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 2634
Reviews: 152
Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:49 pm
Mikko says...



Boo, you missed a spot. here let me add one little correction:
I'm In A Room, and I Can't

Get Out. Trapped.

Nobody Can't Hear Me Nobody can hear me? Also a period

Nobody Can't Hear Me Cry Nobody can hear me? period

I'm Trapped In A Cage;

Nobody Knows I'm There.

"HELP," I Cry Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares.

I'm Dyeing In This Cage.

Help Me, Help Me.

I'm In A Place,

A Dark Place

No Light Yeah.. Kind of obvious if it's a dark place.

I'm Trapped In This Place,

Nobody Knows;

I Can't Get Out.

I Try To Cry,

But I Feel So Hurt,

I Can't Cry.

Why, Why, Why. Why doesn't anyone know?

Nobody Knows,

Nobody Cares,

I Feel Like

I Can't Do This.

Someone Said,

"Yes You Can."

I Can't, Who Ever It Is.

I Yell "Help Help" I Yell "Help, Help!"

I'm So Hurt,

I'm Trapped.


And please try to fix the 'every-word-starts-with-a-capital-letter-thing'. Sure it looks nice, but it's not right.

Apart from your grammar, I think this was a nice piece, just work on the grammar and it could become very interesting.
I was actually quite confued because of your grammatical errors and I think they stop this from being the great piece it could have been. Please touch up on the mistakes we pointed out!

Keep writing!

- Mikko.
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  








For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle