Young Writers Society

Some told me.. to make some changes in the chapter so here it is.. please comment
Chapter-1
Here I remember



I looked outside the window, the Sun was playing with sky, sometimes showing up, and sometimes not, or it was scared as it was thundering outside, maybe the poor baby is afraid of thunder like I used to in childhood It was evening time the birds went flying, their destiny was calling them back like my called me twenty five years ago. I smiled and looked myself through the plane glass, my brown eyes depicted my dark past, I wish someone could read them; my eyes went to my blue locket, it was from my grandmother her last belonging, and the only dark memory from my past.

All of a sudden Mrs. Hecker's son came running in his red and white baseball dress as he entered crashing through the door I could hear her mother yelling at him for coming late.
I tapped my feet on the kitchen floor, “Good Work Eva” I muttered to myself.

I had already cleaned the kitchen and the tedious work took two hours; my cousins were here and when they will come again I'll have to do it all again.

The Refrigerator was clean, I peeped into the dish washer, clean as ever. Next I went to the coffee machine, my cousin Larry left few brown spots on it. He said it was not intentionally I knew him since the day that little devil was born and all he could do for me was just create a mess.

I went to the machine and took out the new coffee filter from the packet, and remembered where Kisha kept the coffee grounds in the right closet.

“I don’t know why she doesn’t keep where I keep them” I murmured to myself.
I poured the ground and hit the on button. I started to hear vibration
“Who is there?” I shouted and then I realized it was only me cell phone buzzing

“Hello Kisha, yea be here in ten minutes and is Ryan coming?” I asked.

“Yes” she replied her voice on the phone sounded like a hamster
“Okay then”. I ended the call.
The coffee was also ready I poured the coffee into my mug took my favourite green blanket and sat near the window. I dazed through the window, it was raining now. I tied my blondish-red hair in a pony and took a sip of the hot mind freshening coffee.
“Wao! It’s almost the same.” I smiled, it was like my mother’s, I always try to follow her but never gets it.

“Eva!” I heard Kisha’ s voice. I ran to the door and saw Kisha and Ryan standing outside.
Why isn’t your door bell ringing?” Ryan asked scratching his brown hair.

“I don’t know may be this happens due to the rain” I replied

Kisha peeped at the coffee maker “Is my coffee ready?”
“Yea it’s there” I replied
“My sugar?” they both asked me, staring with their jet black eyes.
“How is my new hairstyle?” she asked.
Kisha has curly black hair, I like it and it always makes me wish to have them but she hates them and now she got them straight,
“Good” I lied.

Kisha squeezed her eyes twisted her lips. She does that when she want to cook something
“I should cook muffins” Kisha went to the closets.
“Is Alain coming?”. Ryan looked through the window and asked
“Yea I called him, he said there’s a problem in the train he will be there in a few moments” and the door bell rang. Ryan’s cheek went red with the smile on his face

“This should be him” Ryan dragged his feet and went to the door and saw the same old lady wearing the same blue dress and the same white necklace.

“Mrs. Heckers!” “Oh my dear Ryan how are you? Sorry I am in hurry, is Eva around? She asked in her slow voce
“Don’t worry I know why your are here, for Aces right”

“Yes thanks” she blushed and handed Ryan a black dull kitten; Aces to him.

“Why this women always hands you tAces and does she has only one piece of cloth?” Ryan made that weird irritating, struggling expression on his face..
“Yes I guess leave Aces down”. I smiled
“Eva!” a deep voice called. “I will get it Ryan” Kisha replied, gulping down the last drop of the coffee
“Me too” Ryan went after her
I opened the door.
“Alain!” Ryan tightly hugged him.
“Hi bro!” Alain hugged him he was a inch taller than Ryan, he was from France, he and Ryan always have a similar voce, I always get confused specially on the phone
“Hello Alain” Kisha looked at him and gave a wicked smile. “Hello Kisha, good to see you, you also deserve a hug” They both giggled “Hi Eva how are you?” Alain asked. “Good, I am good” we hugged each other. “Off! It raining too hard” Alain shivered. I heard the thundering and falling of rain drops I gazed at Aces who was playing with its toy rat.
“It’s just like the other night twenty years ago” Kisha smiled.
“Yea same rain, same thundering” Ryan handed the cup to Alain
“Yup! And same we” Alain smiled which made his face to have dimples.
Ryan bit his nails, like he is in tension “I wish we didn’t get that play Romeo-Juliet”
“Our lives would have been different” Kisha said while taking out the muffins from microwave.
“Come on Eva we all are here to set your mood happy, the incident was experienced by all of us, but the thing matter is to forget it” Kisha held the muffin plate

She as somewhat right, twenty five years ago my life was different now it’s different but my friends are with me instead I should appreciate and enjoy with them.

“Let’s go out and eat something the rain has stopped” Kisha changed the topic
So after a few minutes I was with my friends walking in the streets of Los Angles
“Eva are you okay?” Alain asked
“Yes” I smiled him
Kisha came running behind us, she was busy in some sort of makeup
Hey-Aoo!” she tripped and fell in water puddle
“Ryan!” she kicked him.
Ryan didn’t change at all he was still the same I want to be like him, looking at his face always shows innocence and no sorrow
I looked at Alain’s steely blue eyes and the black scar which was made by Lilija the evil, his face looked also normal but I know deep in the heart, he thinks I am unprotect and worries for me.
We stepped into McDonalds, the room was chattering and filled with people like on every weekend. We sat on the table near the door , Kisha’ s favourite place so she can sée people and comment on them
“Eva look at the girl going outside, look at her hair isn’t it a really mess?” Kisha pointed to a girl who was walking on street.
“Yes ugly” I sighed
Alai went a little uncomfortable even “Come on Eva speak up a little we are here for you”
“I want to but I cannot, every time I look myself in a mirror, I see Lillja or that hood people calling me for help
Ryan made a disappointed face, suddenly his happy-go-lucky face, Kisha’ s glossiness and Alain decency went ff.
“You are right Eva it’s hard to forget but you have to move on it was like two decades ago!” Ryan shouted
I lowered my eyes, I was feeling ashamed of myself my friends are trying to help me and I am just not paying attention to them
We all come here yearly to celebrate this day though our life changed a long back, we landed in a big trouble we were chosen to protect people, to fight the death to fight the evil which unfortunately didn’t end that well. We all share our thoughts but I don’t help them
“Okay I will do so, but doesn’t that gives you goose bumps, Kisha you got powers, Alain and Ryan you were exactly not you and i faced death several times, it was like a second life after every experience I transferred” I looked in everyone’s face.
No one spoke anything, everyone was quiet thinking of what that yellow paper with mysterious words in the Romeo- Juliet book did to our lives.
I was a fun little girl in my teenage but my life changed during one night, today I will tell you what exactly happened twenty years.

Hi.

This was good. But there's a slight spoil.

like my called me twenty five years ago.

I think you missed a word.

“Yea it’s there” I replied

Watch out for punctuations. Don't miss the full stops.

Ryan looked through the window and asked<should be a comma here>
“Yea I called him, he said there’s a problem in the train he will be there in a few moments” and the door bell rang. Ryan’s cheek went red with the smile on his face

I'm just giving a quick review. Be careful next time. Anyway, a good way to tell a story.

Keep it up!

Hey,
Cool story, I like how the character is deep, has a harsh past, really interesting.
Just a tad bit of advice, when you start to write and get into a flow, slow it down a bit, explain everything your characters doing in detail, don't just mention it... Feel it... like it's actully you as the character.
But the story and the imagination is really good, keep it up, you will be amazed how quickly you could improve!!

Love,
EvensLily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I looked outside the window, the Sun was playing with sky, sometimes showing up, and sometimes not, or it was scared as it was thundering outside, maybe the poor baby is afraid of thunder like I used to in childhood It was evening time the birds went flying, their destiny was calling them back like my called me twenty five years ago. I smiled and looked myself through the plane glass, my brown eyes depicted my dark past, I wish someone could read them; my eyes went to my blue locket, it was from my grandmother her last belonging, and the only dark memory from my past.

Okay first off it should be, “The Sun was playing with the, sky.

This part doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and should be the end of the sentence. Your paragraph here is about 2 sentences when it should be 4-5. Watch this and shorten it up a bit. Comas are good, but they should not be overused.

What poor baby are you talking about? This seemed random. Is the sun a baby? Also at the end of this part you have “It” capitalized even though there is no period to show it is the start of a sentence. Plus it looks like you are missing a word. I think it should be, “poor baby is afraid of thunder like I used to be when I was a child…” or something to that extent.

You’re missing another word here, it should be, “I smiled and looked at myself…”

How does brown eyes depict a dark past? Are you implying that everyone with dark eyes has a dark past? Try changing this to, “His haunted brown eyes held the thought of a dark past…” or something like that. Describe what someone would see when looking in his eyes, instead of making the haunted past part of the eyes themselves.

Once again you are missing a word. The sentence should be, “it was from my grandmother and was her last belonging…” or something like that.

So he has no other dark or bad memories? I am going to hold you to that hahaha

All of a sudden Mrs. Hecker's son came running in his red and white baseball dress as he entered crashing through the door I could hear her mother yelling at him for coming late.

This could be a couple of sentences, and since you have it as one it blurs together. Trying breaking it up like this. “All of a sudden Mrs.Hecker’s son came running in his red and white baseball dress. He entered with a crash, barging through the door as his mother yelled at him for being late.” Or something like that. Also saying, “Red and white baseball dress” sounds odd because I picture this poor boy in a dress. Say clothes, or uniform or something else.

“Good Work Eva” I muttered to myself.

As someone else pointed out you are missing a comma. Plus you capitalized every word the person spoke when you shouldn’t have. It should be, “Good work, Eva,” I muttered to myself.”

my cousins were here and when they will come again I'll have to do it all again.

This sentences doesn’t make any sense. I recommend reading what you have written aloud. It will help you catch missing words, errors, and places that sounds funny. Rewrite it to something like this, “my cousins were here and when they came through I would have to clean it all again.” Or something to that sort.

Okay so I am only going to correct the beginning because you have a bit of work to do. You have a good start, and I want to encourage you to go through and reread all you have written aloud. This will really help you catch mistakes. Find places where you have long sentences and read them out loud to see where you can break them up. Also watch your commas when people are speaking and put them in when nessecary.

You have a good start here! Keep up the good work!

and shoot me in PM my other mistakes.. Thanks

I looked outside the window, the Sun was playing with sky, sometimes showing up, and sometimes not, or it was scared as it was thundering outside, maybe the poor baby is afraid of thunder like I used to in childhood It was evening time the birds went flying, their destiny was calling them back like my called me twenty five years ago.

Okay wow, this already flows a lot better and it is easier to follow. The only thing I would do not is make it into a few sentences instead of just one. So do something like, “I looked outside the window, the Sun was playing with sky, sometimes showing up, and sometimes not, or it was scared as it was thundering outside. Maybe the poor thing is afraid of thunder like I used to in childhood. It was evening time the birds went flying, their destiny was calling them back like my called me twenty five years ago.”

I just made it into three paragraphs. It helps the reader pause and think about what you are saying.

I smiled and looked at myself through the plane glass, my brown eyes depicted my dark past, I wish someone could read them;. My eyes went to my blue locket, it was from my grandmother her last belonging, and the only dark memory from my past.

Okay this is better two. I would make it into 2 sentences however. Get rid of the semi colon and just replace it with a period. Plus there should be an “at” after looked.

All of a sudden Mrs. Hecker's son came running in his red and white baseball dress as he entered crashing through the door I could hear her mother yelling at him for coming late.

This sentence is still choppy. I would recommend switching it around a bit so it read something like, “All of a sudden Mrs.Hecker’s son came running through the door. His red and white baseball outfit flashed by me, and I could hear his mother screaming at him for coming late.”

You start by saying he is coming inside, and then you go to how he is dressed, and then back to him being inside. You need to make sure you finish a thought before jumping to a new one. This will help the leader follow you better.

I tapped my feet on the kitchen floor, “Good Work Eva” I muttered to myself.

This should be, “Good work Eva,” I muttered to myself.

I had already cleaned the kitchen and the tedious work had taken two hours; my cousins were here and when they will come again I'll have to do it all again.

Like I’ve said, semicolons are good, but periods are even better! I would get rid of the semicolon and replace it with a period. Also the sentence doesn’t make sense so I would change it like I did above.

The Refrigerator was clean, I peeped into the dish washer, clean as ever. Next I went to the coffee machine, my cousin Larry left few brown spots on it. He said it was not intentionally I knew him since the day that little devil was born and all he could do for me was just create a mess.

Refrigerator should not be capitalized. I think you meant “peeked”, and not peeped. Also you need to help me understand what is going on. Saying Larry left few brown spots on it, make it sound like you are saying Larry is clean. That he only leaves a “few” spots and not a lot. When I think you are actually trying to imply that he is messy. So you should say, “my cousin Larry had left a few…” that way we know he has already done it, and not that he does it sometimes.

“I don’t know why she doesn’t keep where I keep them” I murmured to myself.

Keeps what? I know you are talking about the coffee grounds but it’s not clear in this sentence.

[/quote] I poured the ground and hit the on button. I started to hear vibration[/quote]

There should be a period at the end of your sentence. And the sentence makes this sounds like you are pouring dirt. Safe coffee grounds or something so we still know what you are doing.

“Who is there?” I shouted and then I realized it was only me cell phone buzzing

Once again you should have a period. And I am ashamed to admit I have done this before… hahaha

“Hello Kisha, yea be here in ten minutes and is Ryan coming?” I asked.

For the readers this is a confusing jump. Once second you hear the phone ring, and then we never actually read about you answering it. You don’t have to make it long, just add something like, “I quickly flipped open my phone, it was one of my best friends Kisha.” Or something like that.

“Yes” she replied her voice on the phone sounded like a hamster

Last time I will point this out but… THERE IS NO PERIOD! Make sure you add those. And hamster seems like an odd way to describe her voice. Say it was peeping, or something like that.

I dazed gazed through the window, it was raining now.

Thing you meant gazed

and took a sip of the hot mind freshening coffee.

This doesn’t make sense because coffee can’t actually heat up your mind. I would rewrite it

“Wao! It’s almost the same.” I smiled, it was like my mother’s, I always try to follow her but never gets it.

Should be whoa, not Wao. And you should have the end of this sentence at the beginning. You say it is the same as something, and we have no idea what, and then you explain it. Switch it to something like, “The coffee tasted just like my moms. I always try to follow her recipe but never seem to get it right. “Almost the same,” I whispered as I curled into my blanket.” Or something like that.

Why isn’t your door bell ringing?” Ryan asked scratching his brown hair.

You’re missing quotation marks at the beginning of this sentence. And who is this Ryan character…

“I don’t know may be this happens due to the rain” I replied

Happens implies that it does this every time or at least more then once. If so you should say, “I don’t know, it always happens when it rains.” But if you are saying this is the first time the doorbell has ever done this it should be happened. “I don’t know, maybe this happened because of the rain.” Also may and be should be one word, and throw in a coma after “I don’t know.”

Kisha peeped at the coffee maker “Is my coffee ready?”

Once again I think you meant peeked.

“My sugar?” they both asked me, staring with their jet black eyes.
“How is my new hairstyle?” she asked

One second they want sugar for their coffee, and the next we are talking about hairstyles. Did they even get coffee? Change it up, and flow into the talk about the hair more gradually.

Kisha squeezed her eyes twisted her lips. She does that when she want to cook something

Another random jump! Plus the first sentence should be, “Kisha squeezed her eyes, and twisted her lips. She does that whenever she is in the mood to cook something.”

“Yea I called him, he said there’s a problem in the train he will be there in a few moments” and the door bell rang.

Okay so he will be at the train in a few minutes or at the house. You just say “there” which is kind of vague. Plus it should be, “there in a few moments,” and then the doorbell rang.

Ryan’s cheek went red with the smile on his face

I get what you are saying but smiles don’t turn people’s cheeks red. So change it up to be, “Ryan blushed, his cheeks turning red as a smile spread across his face.”

Ryan dragged his feet and went to the door

I don’t think dragged was the best choice of words for this. Change it up, and pick something else. The image I get when you say dragged is some kid who can’t walk and is physically dragging himself along

“Mrs. Heckers!” “Oh my dear Ryan how are you? Sorry I am in hurry, is Eva around? She asked in her slow voce

Okay so this should be two paragraphs. “Mrs. Heckers!” is being said by Ryan, or so I assume. And then the next paragraph should start with her talking. After she talks there should be a quotation mark at the end, it’s voice not “voce” and I said I wouldn’t say this again but… where is your period

“Why this women woman always hands you tAces and does she has only one piece of cloth?”

Okay so I am having trouble figuring out what this all means. It should be woman, singular, and I don’t think there is supposed to be a “t” in front of aces. And then you start talking about a piece of cloth. These seem like 2 separate ideas, and therefore should be in 2 different sentences. And I think you might mean clothes, not cloth.

“Yes I guess leave Aces down”. I smiled

Leave him down? Do you mean put him down, or just leave him on the floor? Not sure but change it up. And once again… where is Mr. Period

Okay so I am going to stop here. Above is a bunch of stuff you need to fix and work on. Don’t take anything I said the wrong way, you are doing good and I am glad you want help! We all make mistakes in our writing – I make tons- which is why it is important to go back and reread everything you have written. Make a couple of drafts on you’re writing. Look at your periods, spelling, quotations, and conjunctions to see what you could change and do better.

Also read it out loud. This is a great way to catch mistakes and if it doesn’t make sense to you, then it probably won’t make sense to the reader.

You have a good start so yay!

I would now also focus on your characters. Think about them and work on what makes them tick. Why did Ryan come over? Is he related to Kisha since they both have the same eyes? Who is this person coming from the train, and how do we know them?

Anyways keep working!