Young Writers Society

Chapter 2
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Pennet walked behind the rest of the group as they made thier way back to the old bank. He replayed the image of his father's dead face in his mind over and over again.

He couldn't believe he was gone.

Memories of him and his mother haunted his thoughts. He remembered what they once were, before things had turned terribly wrong.

His mother had been very beautiful, with a soft heart. She was always very understanding.

His father was a strong leader. He always hated the Anarchy, even when everyone believed it was for the best, he was able to predict the way things would turn out.

He knew human nature was to take power whenever you could.

That prediction came true, one day he and his father had come home from thier monthly trip to the store house when they had found his mother lying dead on the floor of thier now destroyed kitchen. There had been a missle attack on thier neighborhood.

Pennet's father demanded justice, but no one cared to help him avenge his wife's death.

No one would even tried to hunt down the people who had destroyed thier neighbors or thier lives. Anyone could do anything. It was every man for himself.

It was then his father decided it was time to fight the Anarchy.

They would form an underground group and by force, make a temporary government until something else could be decided.They needed justice, there had always been a law for a reason.

Pennet could never figure out who exactly they were fighting against, but his father made it absolutely clear that it wasn't just the Anarchy itself that they needed to stop.

He told Pennet that he needed his help, Pennet had only been ten at the time and he looked up to his father very much.

If his father had told him to jump off a building, he would. If he had told him to jump in front of a moving vehicle, he would. If he had told him to drink poison, he would. In fact, his father had told him to do many of those things, but he had complete trust in his father. So of course he was always willing to help.

His father might have gone alittle bit mad in his campain for justice.

The fact that he had sent Pennet out on so many dangerous missions was what made people decide he was crazy.

Pennet knew this to be true, his father had lost sight of what had really started this rebellion to begin with, his mother's death. But even though his methods weren't the best, his ultimate goal was well worth the fight.

People like Rina's parents worried about them, they thought what they were doing was unececcarily dangerous. It was a tragedy what had happened to them, but they needed to accept the way things were.

Pennet had always known Rina, thier parents had temporarily worked together. Rina's father agreed that some order needed to be made. He had put his foot down however when Pennet's father had requested that Rina go out on a mission with Pennet.

They had a huge fight and it ended in Rina's father leaving, promising that he would never put his daughter in danger no matter what.

What Rina's father did not know was that Rina ended up going on the mission anyway with Pennet. They had been twelve at the time and Rina decided that it was time to think for herself, she trusted that Pennet would take care of her.

The mission was to infiltrate an old military camp to find anything they could about the times before the Anarchy.

The mission had been successful, they found old newspapers with articles on a man named Lucas Wolf. Pennet's father was very pleased with this finding (though he never explained why) and Rina made her decision to join Pennet and his father in thier battle.

Pennet worried about Rina often, he cared for her much like he would a sister.He didn't want her to get hurt.

But Rina was persistent, she went against her father's wishes and joined The Underground.

Pennet's father had formed The Underground with a group of adults who sought to fight the Anarchy as well.

Among them was a few of Pennet's neighbors, some of thier friends from across the nation and Ne'car's older brother, Ben.

Ne'car joined Pennet and Rina since he was thier age, but it was clear he didn't like people, much less being told what to do by kids his own age.

The Underground grew every day thanks to the crimes that rampaged the cities. People wanted justice, they wanted to avenge thier loved ones, they want to stop having to live in fear.

The adults of the group had kept many secrets from the younger ones. They explained that it was too dangerous for them to know.

All they needed for them to do was to continue to search out clues from the past.

Pennet wondered what the clues led to, he had eavesdropped on conversations sometimes between his father and the other adults in the group.

The name, Lucas Wolf often came up in thier discussions.

Trisella had joined The Underground only recently.

She was being raped by an older man who was not willing to pay her for her services.

Pennet and Ne'car rescued her and discovered that she carried a gun, a rare find.

They needed a gun, and she needed to fight back for what the Anarchy had forced her to be.

So she joined them. She wasn't the easiest person to get along with.

She believed that she should be thier leader, she disliked Rina for no good reason, and she took advantage of Ne'car because he didn't argue with her.

Pennet often found himself scolding her and she would snap right back.

She had a sharp tongue and a tough manner, she was a no nonsense type of girl.

She did make a good member to thier group though, she was very good at tracking people down, or finding things that didn't want to be found.

Of course this only added to her arrogance.

Pennet knew he had to be the strong one out of all of them. He was thier leader whether he liked it or not, and he was in charge of them, responsible for them, and the one they looked up to. Even when he felt like his world was falling apart, he had to be strong.

He looked over the group.

Trisella marched forward angrily, she was upset and didn't want anyone else to know, so she pretended like she was in control.

Ne'car walked dutifully behind her. Their gun hung at his side, he kept one hand in position so that it would be easy for him to pull it out and shoot anyone who tried to stop them.

Lastly Pennet watched Rina. Rina follow Ne'car, lagging just a little bit. She looked tired and sad, the same way his mother had looked on the last few days of her life.

She wouldn't look Pennet in the eyes.

Pennet noticed silent tears drip off her face. It was rare that Rina would ever cry, so Pennet didn't say anything.

Instead, he thought about what needed to be done.They had to assume that everyone in the group was dead until they found out who exactly went to the meeting with Pennet's father.They needed to show someone the tape.

Pennet also knew that it was time to learn everything the adults had kept secret from them. His father had told him that he would tell him everything when it was time.

He had given Pennet instructions on what to do if he was ever killed. He had given him specific instructions not to mention any of it to his group until it was time.

Now, it was time....

Hello, I thought I would pop by and give a quick critique here. As always, if you have any questions about the following critique or want someone to bounce ideas off of for your piece as a whole, feel free to shoot me a pm. I’ll try my best to help out.

Now for the critique.

Overall, the piece had some good strong ideas backing it. The Anarchy, a government(?) sounded intriguing, and the Underground, does have the classic underdog feel to it. More so, though, it was Pennet, great name by the way, who caught my eye. As a character focused reader and writer that is a really good sign.

As much as I did like those parts there are areas that I would recommend you give another look at

The greatest issue I had with this piece was the quantity of information you were trying to pass on to the reader in such a short piece of writing. Where is the description? The setting? The dialogue? I would recommend against trying to impart all of this in one flashback, because if you add all the description and what not to smooth it out, it would be one super long flashback.

Instead, I would recommend going through the information and deciding what information exactly is necessary for the reader to know at this moment. What will keep the reader from being completely lost in the story line? Also, I would recommend for you to go through and see what needs to be delivered to the reader in the form of a flashback, and what can be hinted at or mentioned else where.

Also spacing out the flashbacks instead of delivering everything in one adds more intrigue to the story, or just getting rid of the flashback delivery all together. Think the Bourne series and Kill Bill. Is it smoother to have the character wake up from a bad dream of his mother’s death and then begin to worry about the past and future than just having them go into a flashback while walking down a path? Decide on what would work with the character best. After all, he is your character.

Last but certainly not least in this section, lack of information can also add to the fear and foreboding of the piece. Remember, not knowing is a scary place to be, and a revolution is also a scary place to be. Language and delivery can change everything for a piece of writing. Remember, though, that you don’t want to just strand your reader in the dark with no information. They do still need a guiding light. Try editing, but not too much.

Now, the second issue that stopped this piece from reaching it’s full potential was the lack of description. Description is important. It answers the reader’s basic questions of who, what, where, when. Even in thoughts, description is essential.

Ex: “Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon - perfect.”

The above quote from the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher is a good example of description in thought. If he had said, “I find kids annoying,” the reader would have missed the character’s delightful sense of humour, the irony, the frustration. Now, I’m not saying you have to be funny with the character, but you have to describe the thoughts the way they would feel. Is Pennet feeling stressed, angry, sad, helpless, frustrated, so on and so forth about his situation? What exactly is going on in his head? What are his feelings towards these memories? What do they represent to Pennet as a character, as a leader, and as a friend?

Here is a quick, not very good example of what I’m talking about, when I talk about Pennet and the way he thinks.

"Pennet stared down through his laced fingers, his heart pounding, his breath coming out in ragged gasps. The nightmare of his mother’s death had been frequent throughout his youth, almost as frequent as his father’s rants against the Anarchy whenever his son woke up screaming. Neither, however, even approached the fear that Pennet now felt, awaking from a nightmare he thought long since past, with nothing to comfort him, not even the rantings of a mad-man.”

As for general description. DO IT. It will make your piece richer, your characters deeper, and more importantly it will tell your story better. Remember the basic questions you are answering for your reader, the basic what, where, who, how, and when. Ask yourself those questions whenever you are writing, editing, or rereading a piece of your writing. It will keep you from leaving holes.

Third but certainly not least, remember that actions often speak louder than words. Let the secondary characters speak for themselves like you did in the first two chapters. We know they are quick or sad or dear friends by the way they act towards or around Pennet. We know how and if they question authority by how they react to Pennet, who is an authoritative figure.

Alright, well that is all for the critique. I hope it was helpful. Like I said above, send me a pm with any questions.