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The Cherry Code Chapter 4 - Going back in time



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Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:40 pm
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BlondieMissyAngel says...



I was five years old when a warrior named Kalani ran into my grandfathers cave panting,his face pale, blood smeared on his clothing. I didn't know what was going on and was whisked away by a very distraught Emmie. After Kalani went back into the forest I ran to my grandfathers cave determined to know every thing. He looked so pale and fragile in that moment but I didn't care about that.
"Where's my Mommy and Daddy?" I demanded.
Canowicate heaved a deep sigh and looked away.
"WHERE ARE THEY!?" I yelled, desperate for an answer.
His eyes were still faced away from me and he whispered," Amira, my child...."
"NO" I sobbed already knowing what was coming,"NO! They, they can't be......dead" The last word was barely a whisper and before Canowicate could answer I ran to my familys cabin, locked our door and flung myself onto the bed, sobbing myself to sleep.

A week later my parents still hadn't returned. My long blonde hair had grown stringy from not being washed and my once tanned face was a horrific whitish yellow from spending the past week inside. I had grown thin from not eating anything and my bright blue eyes were dull and had sunk back into my skull. The children of the village were afraid of me, fearing I had some rare disease and that if they got to close, they would end up looking just as ugly as I did.

The memorial was 13 days after the disappearing of my parents and everyone said that they had been killed on a hunting trip. I was the only one in the village who did not attend the memorial, refusing to believe they were dead. When people asked how I was I answered," What do you mean? My Mommy and Daddy will come back. You'll see."

The elders tried to get me to play games with the other children but I wasn't in the mood for games. Mary would bring me my favorite dishes that I would leave untouched. One day however, Emmie barged into my cabin and thrust open the blinds. "Leave me be." I moaned, wishing she would just go away.
"Now young missy, I've had enough of your moping! You have everyone worried sick about you and you are acting so selfishly that you don't even care. You're poor grandfather is trying his hardest to learn more about what happened with your parents and..."
"NOTHING HAPPENED TO MY PARENTS!!" I screamed at her, "THEY ARE STILL ALIVE AND I WILL FIND THEM AND SHOW YOU ALL! THEY WILL COME BACK FOR ME!"
"No they won't come back you stupid girl! They are dead, gone, not a part of our world anymore! You little woman need to get a hold of yourself and get over it! You need to grow up and start learning how to become the chief of our tribe! You are the only heir to the title and I for one will not be following some little bratt who cannot think clearly!" Her voice had also risen beyond the shouting mark and her eyes looked down on me condesendingly, her pale lips as thin as a line, eyebrows furrowed.
"I hate you." I muttered. "You're a lowlife cow who doesn't understand the meaning of love or of family." My voice was beginning to break and as Emmie opened her mouth to say something back I ran out of the cabin and into the woods. I ran and ran and ran until I tripped over a stone and was hurled into a bramble of thorns and roses. Pushing myself up and making my way straight I reached a hollow surrounded by a great wall of roses. I noticed that there was a gap in the wall that I could use to make my way out again. [i]this is it, my own little safe haven. No one will know it's here and I can get away whenever I please. No one will bother me. Not Grandfather, not Emmie, not Mary. It's the perfect place.[/i] From then on I would run out to my cove surrounded by roses whenever I needed to get some time alone. My Grandfather did his best to raise me and I took on the role of learning to become the Chief.

Five years after my parents died, I got into an arguement with Canowicate. I had said some ugly things to him and ran from the scene off to my safehaven. When I reached my rose wall I heard a strange noise. It sounded like crying from the inside of the rose wall. I froze and stood listening. There was a sniffle and another sob then a shuffle and a thump. I walked slowly and silently around to the opening curiously peaking inside to see what was there. To my utmost suprise and horror, a little boy was sitting in the middle of the opening, curled up into a ball and weeping. His hair was a beautiful shaggy raven black and his smooth skin had a dark tan. I walked up to him and sencing something he looked up. Suprised by me he jumped up and tried running through the thorn wall.
"Don't worry, I won't hurt you." I said, in the most soothing voice I could conjour.
"Go away, I'm waiting for someone and you'll be bad about it." He pouted, his lower lip sticking out so far it almost looked as if it were going to fall off his face.
"Who are you waiting for?" I asked as I slowly walked towards him.
"My Mommy. She said to wait right here and that she would come get me tonight. We were being followed by big mean looking men." He started to cry again and I went over to him and reached my arms out inviting him closer. This time instead of running away he ran towards me and flung his arms around my neck. As I rocked him back and forth humming, his tears came slower and slower until they stopped and the only sound we could hear was that of nature and an occasional sniffiling or a hiccup from him.
"What's your name?" I asked after a very long time.
"Astor, I'm two" As he said this his dark chocolate eyes looked up at me and his lips curved into a small smile. Proudly he held up two fingers and repeated,"Two. See one, two!" At this he laughed and his smile grew wider. I also laughed and we sat there again for what seemed like days.
"Astor," I begain,"Astor, my grandfather is Chief Canowicate, he is in charge of the Tribe of Running Waters and I am the next in line to be the chief." At this his eyes widened. "Astor it isn't safe here at night. Why don't you come with me and spend the night in my village, Mary can cook you some food and we will come back tomorrow to look for your mother but we will come with a whole group of warriors. Alright?" He nodded slowly, his eyes still wide. I sighed and took his hand and lead him to our village. The next day we went back to the clearing and warriors combed the area away from the clearing. The search went on the whole day until right before sundown a warrior found the body of a young woman who Astor promptly recognised as his mother. She was given a proper funeral and Astor was invited to stay in the Tribe of Running Waters and told that when he was old enough he would be trained as a warrior. He was very young and very depressed and agreed to anything we would say. So he stayed. We never really became good friends though. When he turned five, he started to be trained to be a warrior and I was busy with my duties as next in line to become Chief. Astor and I never forgot how we met and everytime I was hurt or seemed to be in danger, he would always appear as if out of thin air and rescue me.

Looking at him asleep on the ground, the dancing flames of the fire giving off their warm glow, I still see that two year old Astor. Crying in the middle of my clearing waiting for a Mommy who never came and whose last act on earth was to keep her son safe from whoever it was that was chasing her.
Going down a rabbit hole, get away from all we know!
  





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Thu Aug 18, 2011 11:54 pm
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YouWishYouHadThis says...



It Was Very confusing at the beging but i got in to it if you know what im saying i love this part Astor," I begain,"Astor, my grandfather is Chief Canowicate, he is in charge of the Tribe of Running Waters and I am the next in line to be the chief." At this his eyes widened. "Astor it isn't safe here at night. Why don't you come with me and spend the night in my village, Mary can cook you some food and we will come back tomorrow to look for your mother but we will come with a whole group of warriors. Alright?" He nodded slowly, his eyes still wide. I sighed and took his hand and lead him to our village. The next day we went back to the clearing and warriors combed the area away from the clearing. The search went on the whole day until right before sundown a warrior found the body of a young woman who Astor promptly recognised as his mother. She was given a proper funeral and Astor was invited to stay in the Tribe of Running Waters and told that when he was old enough he would be trained as a warrior. He was very young and very depressed and agreed to anything we would say. So he stayed. We never really became good friends though. When he turned five, he started to be trained to be a warrior and I was busy with my duties as next in line to become Chief. Astor and I never forgot how we met and everytime I was hurt or seemed to be in danger, he would always appear as if out of thin air and rescue me.

Looking at him asleep on the ground, the dancing flames of the fire giving off their warm glow, I still see that two year old Astor. Crying in the middle of my clearing waiting for a Mommy who never came and whose last act on earth was to keep her son safe from whoever it was that was chasing her.
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Fri Aug 19, 2011 2:49 am
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BlondieMissyAngel says...



Thanks so much for the review =]
if I may ask why it was confusing at the beginning... have you read any of the other chapters?
Thanks again
*Blondie*
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Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:27 pm
IcyFlame says...



I've gotten into quoting the whole thing and then commenting as I go through :)
BlondieMissyAngel wrote:I was five years old when a warrior named Kalani ran into my grandfathers cave panting,his face pale, blood smeared on his clothing. Include more descriptionI didn't know what was going on and was whisked away by a very distraught Emmie. After Kalani went back into the forest I ran to my grandfathers cave determined to know every thing. He looked so pale and fragile in that moment but I didn't care about that. You can expand on this paragraph a lot.
"Where's my Mommy and Daddy?" I demanded.
Canowicate heaved a deep sigh and looked away.
"WHERE ARE THEY!?" I yelled, desperate for an answer. You don't need to use capitals, that's what the exclamation point it for.
His eyes were still faced away from me and he whispered," Amira, my child..." Only use three periods.
"No" I sobbed already knowing what was coming/."No! They... they can't be...remember to use threedead." The last word was barely a whisper and before Canowicate could answer I ran to my family's cabin, locked our door and flung myself onto the bed, sobbing myself to sleep.

A week later my parents still hadn't returned. But she knows they're dead?My long blonde hair had grown stringy from not being washed and my once tanned face was a horrific whitish, yellow from spending the past week inside. I had grown thin from not eating anything and my bright blue eyes were dull and had sunk back into my skull. Try not to turn this into an info dump. The children of the village were afraid of me, fearing I had some rare disease and that if they got too close, they would end up looking just as ugly as I did.

The memorial was thirteen (write out the number)days after the disappearing of my parents and everyone said that they had been killed on a hunting trip. I was the only one in the village who did not attend the memorial, refusing to believe they were dead. When people asked how I was I answered," What do you mean? My Mommy and Daddy will come back. You'll see."

The elders tried to get me to play games with the other children but I wasn't in the mood for them. Mary would bring me my favorite dishes and I would leave them untouched. One day however, Emmie barged into my cabin and thrust open the blinds. "Leave me be." I moaned, wishing she would just go away.
"Now young missy, I've had enough of your moping! You have everyone worried sick about you and you are acting so selfishly that you don't even care. You're poor grandfather is trying his hardest to learn more about what happened with your parents and..."
"NOTHING HAPPENED TO MY PARENTS!!" I screamed at her, "THEY ARE STILL ALIVE AND I WILL FIND THEM AND SHOW YOU ALL! THEY WILL COME BACK FOR ME!" Capitals aren't needed.

"No they won't come back you stupid girl! They are dead, gone, not a part of our world anymore! This is a bit harsh. Maybe she could be a little more patient with her? You little womanneed to get a hold of yourself and get over it! You need to grow up and start learning how to become the chief of our tribe! You are the only heir to the title and I for one will not be following some little bratt who cannot think clearly!" Her voice had also risen beyond the shouting mark beyond the shouting mark?and her eyes looked down on me condesendingly, her pale lips as thin as a line, eyebrows furrowed.

"I hate you." I muttered. "You're a lowlife cowthis seems a bit advanced for a little child? who doesn't understand the meaning of love or of family." My voice was beginning to break and as Emmie opened her mouth to say something back I ran out of the cabin and into the woods. I ran and ran and ran until I tripped over a stone and was hurled into a bramble of thorns and roses. Pushing myself up and making my way straight I reached a hollow surrounded by a great wall of roses. I noticed that there was a gap in the wall that I could use to make my way out again. [i]This is it, my own little safe haven. No one will know it's here and I can get away whenever I please. No one will bother me. Not Grandfather, not Emmie, not Mary. It's the perfect place.[/i] From then on I would run out to my cove surrounded by roses whenever I needed to get some time alone. My Grandfather did his best to raise me and I took on the role of learning to become the Chief.

Five years after my parents died, I got into an arguement with Canowicate. I had said some ugly things to him and ran from the scene off to my safehaven. Perhaps you could retell the conversation.When I reached my rose wall I heard a strange noise. It sounded like crying from the inside of the rose wall. I froze and stood listening. There was a sniffle and another sob then a shuffle and a thump. I walked slowly and silently around to the opening curiously peaking inside to see what was there. To my utmost suprise and horror, a little boy was sitting in the middle of the opening, curled up into a ball and weeping. His hair was a beautiful shaggy raven black and his smooth skin had a dark tan. I walked up to him and sencing something he looked up. Suprised by me he jumped up and tried running through the thorn wall.
"Don't worry, I won't hurt you." I said, in the most soothing voice I could conjour.
"Go away, I'm waiting for someone and you'll be bad about it." He pouted, his lower lip sticking out so far it almost looked as if it were going to fall off his face.
"Who are you waiting for?" I asked as I slowly walked towards him.
"My Mommy. She said to wait right here and that she would come get me tonight. We were being followed by big mean looking men." He started to cry again and I went over to him and reached my arms out inviting him closer. This time instead of running away he ran towards me and flung his arms around my neck. As I rocked him back and forth humming, his tears came slower and slower until they stopped and the only sound we could hear was that of nature and an occasional sniffiling or a hiccup from him.
"What's your name?" I asked after a very long time.
"Astor, I'm two" As he said this his dark chocolate eyes looked up at me and his lips curved into a small smile. Proudly he held up two fingers and repeated,"Two. See one, two!" At this he laughed and his smile grew wider. I also laughed and we sat there again for what seemed like days.
"Astor," I begain,"Astor, my grandfather is Chief Canowicate, he is in charge of the Tribe of Running Waters and I am the next in line to be the chief." At this his eyes widened. "Astor it isn't safe here at night. Why don't you come with me and spend the night in my village, Mary can cook you some food and we will come back tomorrow to look for your mother but we will come with a whole group of warriors. Alright?" He nodded slowly, his eyes still wide. I sighed and took his hand and lead him to our village. The next day we went back to the clearing and warriors combed the area away from the clearing. The search went on the whole day until right before sundown a warrior found the body of a young woman who Astor promptly recognised as his mother. She was given a proper funeral and Astor was invited to stay in the Tribe of Running Waters and told that when he was old enough he would be trained as a warrior. He was very young and very depressed and agreed to anything we would say. So he stayed. We never really became good friends though. When he turned five, he started to be trained to be a warrior and I was busy with my duties as next in line to become Chief. Astor and I never forgot how we met and everytime I was hurt or seemed to be in danger, he would always appear as if out of thin air and rescue me.

Looking at him asleep on the ground, the dancing flames of the fire giving off their warm glow, I still see that two year old Astor. Crying in the middle of my clearing waiting for a Mommy who never came and whose last act on earth was to keep her son safe from whoever it was that was chasing her.



I feel you could expand this more, but I like the way you've used characterisation. Remember the rules about writing out numbers!
  





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Wed Sep 07, 2011 4:14 pm
Deanie says...



At first I was slightly confused, but reading further I really liked it. It showed how she was connected to Astor, which was good because I was starting to think they were related in some way. I like how she has family problems, and I guess that she is still waiting for her parents to come back?... Overall I liked this chapter, not as much as the others... but yeah it was still good.

Loved the description in the paragraph where you explained about her suffering from her parents loss. Great imagery! :)

Deanie x
Trust in God and all else follows.

Deanie, dominating the world since it was cool @Pompadour, 2014
Your username reminds me of a hotdog @Stegosaurus, 2015
Tried to make puns out of your username, but every attempt has been Deanied @Candywizard, 2015
  








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