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Hunted ch. 16



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Sun Aug 07, 2011 10:55 pm
tgirly says...



Spoiler! :
Used to be ch. 12, but I'm adding some more in before it.

Turns out we weren't as destitute as I thought we were. Somehow, Aya had swiped the security guard's wallet and watch without the rest of us noticing.
"The watch looks expensive, doesn't it," Aya asks, putting the rock in her sister's face. Aya nods.
"But it's broken," Aya says, "Because it says it's ten o'clock, and I know it's not ten o'clock, because then we'd be getting ready for bed." As Silas explained to Aya the wonders of AM and PM, Mitch, Charlie, and I brainstorm what would be the most inconspicuous, yet effective way of selling the watch. We aren't getting that far, and Silas is having less progress than us. We pull into a dusty gas station and buy some hotdogs and some pop. While the younger kids go to the bathroom and Silas waits in line at the cash register, I stand next to Mitch by the truck.
"You know, he's not that bad," Mitch says, talking about Silas. Silas still doesn't like me. I can tell he's giving me the cold shoulder.
"He's a nice kid once you get to know him," she says.
"Yeah, and he's great with first impressions. Trying to kill me," I say.
"Silas has had it rough," she says.
"We've all had it tough," I say, "the twins are eight, right?"
"Yeah."
"They deserve to have a normal eight-year-old life. They deserve to be tucked into a bed, the same bed, every night. By their parents. They deserve so much better than this. And they aren't getting it. And they aren't sulking."
"Do you remember your parents?" Mitch asks.
"Vaguely," I say.
"Well, Silas, in a way, does," she says, "When he was three, this group of kids like us found him, and realized what he was. There were four of them. All older than him. He called one of them Mom, and another one, Daniel or David, or something like that, Dad. The other two he called brother and sissy. Liz, or sissy, was the closest to his age. They were his family in every sense besides blood. He loved them. Then one day, when he was four or five, they were caught by surprise by Them. They came from every direction. He had to watch Ty eat a bullet for Liz, only to have her killed right in front of him two seconds later. Daniel or David grabbed Silas and ran. He hid Silas in some bushes, about a mile away, and told Silas to stay there. He was going back to find Theresa, the one Si called Mom. But the boy didn't come back.
"After hours of waiting, Silas finally ventured out of the bushes and returned to the scene of the attack. When Silas got there, he found Theresa, shot and killed, in the boy's arms. There was a knife in the boy's throat. His hands still gripped the black handle. The boy had found Theresa dead and killed himself." I almost gasp, but stop myself. Mitch continues.
"Silas watched the only family he'd ever known die. Experiencing something like that, at such a young age, it changes a person. He's really a nice kid underneath."
"Thanks, Mitch." We start. We hadn't noticed Silas come within ear shot. His face is red and his hands are clenching and unclenching by his side. Charlie's a little ways behind him.
"Next time, leave the story telling to me, 'kay?" Silas says. His face changes. He looks at the ground and I see him blink rapidly. He takes a breath, as if to collect himself. He looks back up, into my eyes. I can practically see the steam rolling out of his ears.
"Ty didn't have to die. He was like you. Stupidly trying to protect someone else when you can't even protect yourself. Darrel did the most stupid thing he could do. Killing himself didn't bring Mo-...Theresa back."
"Theresa. She was almost as bad as Darrel. Her nickname was Mother Theresa. She was the kindest, most charitable person you'll ever meet," he says as if it's an insult, "She couldn't have hurt a fly. It made her weak. When the time came, and her life depended on it, she couldn't save herself." Charlie comes and squeezes Silas's hand.
Silas wrenches his hand out of Charlie's.
"Shut up, kid," he yells at Charlie, "All of you, just shut up!" He turns around and runs off. I start after him, but Mitch grabs my arm.
"Give him some time," Charlie says. I nod.
Last edited by tgirly on Sun Sep 18, 2011 1:47 am, edited 5 times in total.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
  





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Mon Aug 08, 2011 3:33 pm
Charllotte4 says...



I love this!!! Your grammar is very good and I love your writing style. I can't really see much that needs improving...
  





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Wed Aug 10, 2011 12:09 pm
IcyFlame says...



The beginning of this chapter wasn't so great but once you got into your stride you did a good job. Remember to use different techniques of description and always try to show not tell wherever possible. There weren't any grammatical errors as such. You just need to put a bit more emotion into your words.
Also, this chapter was pretty short. I was wondering if there was a reasoning behind that?
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 5:31 pm
Chelsea4827 says...



Hi there!

I liked it, and it was well written but it was just talking throughout really. There was hardly any description and not much emotion! If you add more of both of them it will be a great chapter. It will also become longer because this is a short chapter which isn’t bad or wrong, I’m just saying. Like Icy said you could also use show not tell, this will make it more interesting etc!

Other than that well done :) You done good, keep it up.
Chels
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. -- Blaise Pascal
  








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