Young Writers Society

[For anyone still following, thank you.]


Viatrix’s head was bouncing off the side of the corroded door as she dreamt on. Her mind was filled with colourful dust, sparkling skies and people of many different origins and destinations. She was truly at peace, while around her, the various travelers and scientists bickered and yelled at each other, describing the region or arguing over who should get which rations.
As the truck crossed a significant bump, she was knocked awake and into a painful consciousness. Sleep was a particularly beautiful gift to her – her chronic pain disorder made wakefulness a living hell, yet it was her cross to bear. She immediately felt all her limbs begin to ache in a familiar tone, and let out a weakened groan of despair. It had been several years since her accident; however, she still felt its dark burden upon her entire body.
Viatrix turned to her younger brother to find him wide awake and listening to his music player. He was nineteen already, and so she felt a slither of annoyance at his oblivious nature. Here they were, in a place that only a handful of people on Earth would ever visit, and he was more interested in listening to Foster The People. She reached over and pulled the headphones from his ears.
“You think you’d be a bit more grateful, Jake.”
“Leave me alone, what’s your problem?” He grumbled, fumbling with the wires. Viatrix sighed and spoke again, through gritted teeth.
“You don’t spend a minute without those headphones. Just enjoy the ambience – look around you. This is life. Not sitting in front of a computer screen or-“
“Vi, I really don’t give a damn. So just shut up, and drop it, alright?” Jake snapped at her, rolling his eyes and returning to his music. His sister stared at him for a moment and then followed his advice, knowing that they did not need another argument this week. He had been just as difficult in Brazil and Nicaragua – Colombia foreshadowed nothing different.
Their guide began slowing the vehicle down, before coming to a complete stop before a small grove within the jungle. It was wildly overgrown with enormous green leaves, thick, intractable vines and the roots of magnificently old trees. The forest flowers burst open with vibrant and almost imperious colours, the colours of all the seasons painting the otherwise barren earth. The far side of the grove stopped short to give way to a small escarpment.
“Everyone, please get out of the car. We’ll be continuing on foot from here.” The guide was dark-skinned, and holding a long bamboo staff. There was a gun slung over his back, casting a violent modern-world shadow over the intricate weaving on his poncho. “We need to maintain a certain conduct so as not to alarm the locals.”
“His accent is a little posh for a South American, don’t you think?” Viatrix smiled and turned to her brother, only to receive an ambivalent facial expression in return. Jake’s headphones were still in, his head nodding lightly to the beat. Vi sighed.
The group began to walk, the steps made exceedingly trickier by the dense greenery surrounding them and the humid air choking them. They were walking for around ten minutes, when a distinctly plump man who stumbling in the back, called out to the front.
“Vhy did ve have to leave the car so far avay?” He panted, in a heavy German accent. Some of the group stopped and turned to him, while others - who knew better – ignored his comment. The guide did not even turn his head.
“We have to do our best not to introduce any modern-day mediums to the village. We do not want to disturb their culture. Continue.”
The German was relentless. “All our stuff is in the truck.”
This time, it was Vi who replied, her voice high and clear over the sound of macaws and various insects flying. “We’re going to see the village now, but we’ll come back later for our stuff.” Everyone stopped.
A few moments of uncomfortable silence passed before the German spoke again, looking at Jake. “You seem a little young to be here alone. Vhere are your parents?”
Vi raised her head proudly, as Jake pulled out his headphones, a frown across his face. “We have permission to be here. Besides, I hardly think that’s of importance. We’re all here to study the local culture; we all have the same goals.”
The rest of the group lost interest in the confrontation and continued walking. Vi closed her hazelnut eyes, and upon opening them, found the German’s glowing red face right in front of her. She felt Jake step closer to her.
“I didn’t mean to offend you, child – vhat are you doing here?” He asked, genuine curiosity lining his words.
“We’ve been touring all the South American countries. I have a particular interest in the cultural implications that modern day influence has on isolated tribes within the Amazonian regions, and-“
“Yeah, we’re here because our parents wanted us out of the house while they unpacked.” Jake interrupted her, his tone dry. She elbowed him lightly, but did not continue. The man in front of them crushed his eyebrows together, giving him a perplexed expression. He shrugged his round shoulders and pushed past them to catch up to the rest of the group.
Viatrix pursed her delicate lips. “Some people are actually interested in hearing what I have to say, Jake.”
“I don’t think so, Vi. No-one’s interested in hearing things of no interest.”
“Except you, of course.”
Jake shot her a doubtful look. “I’m not going to comment anymore.” He replaced his earphones and trudged on, leaving his older sister watching after him, her eyes full of a long-lost reflection of him.

Hello there! I haven't read the rest of your story, so this will just be nitpicks I'm afraid

MamaLama95 wrote:[For anyone still following, thank you.]


Viatrix’s head was bouncing off the side of the corroded door as she dreamt on. Her mind was filled with colourful dust, sparkling skies and people of many different origins and destinations. She was truly at peace, while around her, the various travelers and scientists bickered and yelled at each other, describing the region why would they bicker about describing it? or arguing over who should get which rations. This is a run on sentence. See if you can switch it around a little.
As the truck crossed a significant bump, she was knocked awake and into a painful consciousness. Sleep was a particularly beautiful gift to her – her chronic pain disorder I'm assuming you've introduced this disorder before, so I'm not sure you need to use the whole name of it again - it makes the sentence quite long to read. made wakefulness a living hell, yet it was her cross to bear. She immediately felt all her limbs begin to ache in a familiar tone, and let out a This sounds as though the limbs let out the groan... weakened groan of despair. It had been several years since her accident; however, she still felt its dark burden upon her entire body. This is just repetition.
Viatrix turned to her younger brother to find him wide awake and listening to his music player. He was nineteen already, and so she felt a slither of annoyance at his oblivious nature. Here they were, in a place that only a handful of people on Earth would ever visit, and he was more interested in listening to Foster The People. She reached over and pulled the headphones from his ears.
“You think you’d be a bit more grateful, Jake.”
“Leave me alone, what’s your problem?” he grumbled, fumbling with the wires. Viatrix sighed and spoke again, through gritted teeth.
“You don’t spend a minute without those headphones. Just enjoy the ambience – look around you. This is life. Not sitting in front of a computer screen or-" Make sure the speech marks are around he right way.
“Vi, I really don’t give a damn. So just shut up, and drop it, alright?” Jake snapped at her, rolling his eyes and returning to his music. His sister stared at him for a moment and then followed his advice, knowing that they did not need another argument this week. He had been just as difficult in Brazil and Nicaragua – Colombia foreshadowed nothing different.
Their guide began slowing the vehicle down, before coming to a complete stop before a small grove within the jungle. It was wildly overgrown with enormous green leaves, thick, intractable vines and the roots of magnificently old trees. The forest flowers burst open with vibrant and almost imperious colours, the colours of all the seasons painting the otherwise barren earth. The far side of the grove stopped short to give way to a small escarpment.
“Everyone, please get out of the car. We’ll be continuing on foot from here.” The guide was dark-skinned, and holding a long bamboo staff. There was a gun slung over his back, casting a violent modern-world shadow over the intricate weaving on his poncho. “We need to maintain a certain conduct so as not to alarm the locals.”
“His accent is a little posh for a South American, don’t you think?” Viatrix smiled and turned to her brother, only to receive an ambivalent facial expression in return. Jake’s headphones were still in, his head nodding lightly to the beat. Vi sighed.
The group began to walk, the steps made exceedingly trickier by the dense greenery surrounding them and the humid air choking them. They were walking for around ten minutes, when a distinctly plump man who stumbling in the back, called out to the front.
“Vhy did ve have to leave the car so far avay?” he panted, in a heavy German accent. Some of the group stopped and turned to him, while others - who knew better – ignored his comment. The guide did not even turn his head.
“We have to do our best not to introduce any modern-day mediums to the village. We do not want to disturb their culture. Continue.”
The German was relentless. “All our stuff is in the truck.”
This time, it was Vi who replied, her voice high and clear over the sound of macaws and various insects flying. “We’re going to see the village now, but we’ll come back later for our stuff.” Everyone stopped.
A few moments of uncomfortable silence passed before the German spoke again, looking at Jake. “You seem a little young to be here alone. Vhere are your parents?”
Vi raised her head proudly, as Jake pulled out his headphones, a frown across his face. “We have permission to be here. Besides, I hardly think that’s of importance. We’re all here to study the local culture; we all have the same goals.”
The rest of the group lost interest in the confrontation and continued walking. Vi closed her hazelnut eyes, and upon opening them, found the German’s glowing red face right in front of her. She felt Jake step closer to her.
“I didn’t mean to offend you, child – vhat are you doing here?” he asked, genuine curiosity lining his words.
“We’ve been touring all the South American countries. I have a particular interest in the cultural implications that modern day influence has on isolated tribes within the Amazonian regions, and-“
“Yeah, we’re here because our parents wanted us out of the house while they unpacked.” Jake interrupted her, his tone dry. She elbowed him lightly, but did not continue. The man in front of them crushed his eyebrows together, giving him a perplexed expression. He shrugged his round shoulders and pushed past them to catch up to the rest of the group.
Viatrix pursed her delicate lips. “Some people are actually interested in hearing what I have to say, Jake.”
“I don’t think so, Vi. No-one’s interested in hearing things of no interest.”
“Except you, of course.”
Jake shot her a doubtful look. “I’m not going to comment anymore.” He replaced his earphones and trudged on, leaving his older sister watching after him, her eyes full of a long-lost reflection of him.

Considering I haven't read the rest of your story I can't really comment on how well the story iss progressing etc. There weren't many grammatical issues and I couldn't find any spelling mistakes. Good job!

Hello there. I haven't read the previous parts, but there were a couple of issues that stood out to me that I believe are independent of the rest of the story.

The most cringe-worthy of them was the man with the German accent. I happen to have a number of friends and acquaintances from Germany, and while they do have an accent, their English is actually quite excellent. They do not substitute V for W willy nilly and are actually quite capable of differentiating between the two sounds. Just mentioning that the man has a German accent should suffice, with maybe very occasionally inserting a German term he is unsure of the English translation for.

The second issue was the names. Viatrix is quite... unique, and considering her brother is named Jake, it just begs the question of why Viatrix is sporting such an unusual name while her brother is not. If this was addressed in a previous part or you are planning to address it in a future one, that's fine, but if not, you should consider either addressing it or finding a more common name for Viatrix. After all, how many families do you know that have one kid named Zinya while the others are named Fred, Susan, and Matt? Unless Zinya was adopted from a foreign country, there are very few plausible reasons for her to have such a different name from her siblings.