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This is not the name of the story (chapter one)



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Sat Jul 30, 2011 4:04 pm
Ray112 says...



Chapter one
If you’re reading this right now…

Stop.

Shut off your computer,

pour the coffee in the trash,

And forget you ever clicked this forum NOW before it’s too late.

Okay. That’s it. Now it’s too late. Now you HAVE to read this story. And if you stop—even for a second—you’re doomed. The dominoes have already fallen, your fate is set, and the only way you’ll survive, is by reading this story to it’s very end.

Sorry, but I tried to warn you…


It’s complicated to explain but the moment you began reading this; the world started to end—I know sucks right? But look if you’re gonna take anything away from all this; it’s this one thing. It’s not my fault.

This all started with my friend and his dumb antics.That's what I tell myself. But truthfully, deep inside I know that none of this would have happened if I’d just pressed ignore call.











HOW IT ALL ENDED

It took four minutes for the world to end. Can you believe that? Everything we know and love about this beautiful planet died in about the same amount of time it takes to microwave a hot pocket. In four minutes there was suddenly no more parties, no more parents, no more dates, and no more friends.

Just chaos…

In truth I haven’t really had much time to think about it until now. It all happened so fast.


The night before the event that changed everything, I had the best night of my life and I was too drunk to remember it all. When I woke up at two in the morning I saw Sarah laying next to me. Her delicate figure was so serene as she slept. She looked like an angel. I put my arm around her and she awoke turning in the covers to face me. We kissed.

“Hey you,” she said and smiled. The in the dim light of the Tv we’d left on her, light blue eyes reflected the glow shining like diamonds.

“Hey,” I said hugging her close to me, kissing her again.

“That was great,” she said.

“Yeah, it was,” I agreed. “I just wish I wasn’t so hung over.”

She adjusted in my arms so we could lay more comfortably facing the TV.

“I wish we could lay like this forever.”

“Why don’t we?” I asked. Sarah arched her eyebrows.

“Oh yeah? Don’t you have class in the morning?”

“I’ll skip.”

,Sarah sat quietly for a moment and then said “No. I won’t let you do that. Besides you’d just be wasting your time with me.”

She got up, her naked body pale in the TV light as she found her clothes and started pulling on her underwear. I’m not even gonna pretend I didn’t look.

“Why?” I pressed “We have fun together. I know you like being with me. Why would you go back?”

Sarah said nothing. She reached for her bra, realized it was broken, and just pulled on her shirt without it. I got out of the bed to meet her but regretted it immediately when my head started spinning. God I hate hangovers. Sarah reached for the door and I sat on the bed wanting to argue with her but barely having the energy to keep my eyes open.

“I’m sorry Eric, but you know this can’t work. I shouldn’t even be here,” she reasoned.

“But you ARE here,” I countered.

“No I’m not!” she snapped. “I’m married and you know that. This was a mistake.” She stepped out of the room.

“Sarah, don’t go. Just wait!” mustering what little strength I had I ran out into the hall way. “Please, stay. You don’t have to go back to him. He doesn’t disserve you and if you don’t believe me. Look at the bruises on your arm.”

Sarah stopped in mid-step. “Eric…”

“No listen!” I said “Sarah, we can leave right now. We’ll drive right out of this city. We’ll find a small town out in the country without all the noise. And we’ll spend the rest of our lives making each other happy.”

Sarah hesitated. She wanted to stay, I could tell by the way she stood like she was tempted to run back to me then and there. But she didn’t.

“I’m sorry Eric but I have to go,” she said. She didn’t look but I could hear her torn emotions in her voice. To this day I regret letting Sarah leave. If only she would’ve stayed then none of this would’ve happened.



BEEEEEP!!!! BEEEEEP!!!!! BEEEEEEP!!!

I swear I have the most annoying phone in the world. Waking up after a hangover is hard enough but with the insistent sound of my phone drilling my ear. It just made life miserable. I sat up immediately and tossed the phone across the room. And the sound stopped.

Good now I can—BUZZZZ!!! BUZZZZZ!!! BUZZZZ!! God damn vibrate function. I sat up and slid out of the bed and reached down for my phone and picked it up. Without looking at the caller ID I already knew who it was.

“What, Sean?”

“FUCK!! Dude, I’m in trouble man. I-I don’t know what’s going on…”

I sighed. This was normal for Sean. He goes out and tries these random drugs at parties and expects me to bail him out in the end. Typical.

“Sean, just chill man. I’m on my way. You just need to calm down. I’ll pick you up man.”

“No! Eric you don’t understand. Shit! Look man, did you stay at Michael Hamptons party last night? I didn’t see you where’d you go?”

“I left early,” I said but in my mind I thought about Sarah and how I’d seen her at the party. Then we’d gone back to my place and…

“Shit! Man this is some fucked up shit!”

Sean was freaking out, I’d never heard him like this before. He must’ve tried something really hardcore.

“Look man, where are you?” I said “I’m coming to get you— “

“NO! Stay there,” Sean said “wait actually, you know my baseball bat in the closet?”

“Yeah,” I said not sure where he was going with this.

“Grab it you’re gonna need it.”

Ok, this was getting strange. “Look, man I’m coming to get you. Just stay tell me where you are I’ll come and find you.”


It was four o’ clock in the morning so the roads were still empty. I took all the back roads driving as fast as I could in my jeep. I found Sean in a park laying on one of the slides in the play ground. Even in the morning light I could tell his face was pale and gaunt and his eyes looked terrified like he’d seen something horrible. But that wasn’t what caught my attention. What stood out the most, was that on covering his shirt and nearly his entire body were splashes of blood.

“Oh my God Sean is that you’re blood?!!”

Sean weakley shook his head. I handed him the caramel mochiatto I got from starbucks.

“Okay, speak!” I commanded “Tell me what the fuck happened. And why you’re covered in blood.”

“Not here man.” He raised his arms and I lifted him up half dragging and half carrying him to the Jeep. I sat him down in the back seat and buckled him in.

“Are you gonna tell me what happened?” I asked.

Sean lifted his head weakly. He could barely keep his eyes open. God Sean what the hell have you gotten into, I thought.

“It’s the freakin end of the world man,” he said and after that was all I could get out of him. The whole way back to the apartment he lay passed out on the window.

Sean slept on the couch, still as a rock. If not for the slight rise and fall of his chest I would’ve thought he was dead. But if I didn’t do something quick he would be soon. He was burning up. I stripped his clothes down to everything but his boxers and sat him in a tub of cool water. I propped him so his head stayed above the water then collapsed onto the floor exhausted. I noticed the blood that stained his skin from head to toe began to wash off turning the water orange. What the fuck?! This is bad Eric. Bad! I kept telling myself. I got up and paced back and forth in the living room.

Outside a light rain tapped against my dirty windows. It was barely six o’clock in the morning and already it felt like a long day. Mom, I’ll be honest. If I said that I didn’t know what to do, I’d be lying. Moments before Sean passed out I asked him where I should take him. He pleaded with me to bring him back to my apartment but I knew that would be wrong. I should’ve called the police. I should’ve taken him to the hospital. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what would’ve happened if I’d done either of those things.

Why didn’t I do the right thing? I’ll tell you. Ít’s because I was selfish. I’ve known Sean since we were kids. We grew up together like brothers. Sean was always the one into wild things. Everyone liked him. He made people laugh. He went to the coolest parties, did the coolest things, hungout with the coolest people. And some how he managed to bring me along. I’m not what you’d call the coolest person. In high school I was in the marching band and Sean was the lead singer of a Rock band. If that doesn’t put things in to perspective, nothing will. I needed Sean. He is the only cool thing in my life. I needed him to be my friend and I needed him to like me.

I checked his pockets. But all I found was some line, a small gram, and a cell phone. The ass didn’t even carry an idea! Running out of places to check I noticed Sean’s black leather jacket abandoned on the floor a few feet away. I checked its pockets and…bingo! I found a pill bottle stuffed in one of the sides. It was a little red canister with a white top but nothing was in it.

“Sean, what the hell have you gotten yourself into?” I said to myself out loud.

BANG!! BANG!! BANG!! I heard knocking sounds at the door and I jumped. What could it be now? I opened the door to see a red headed girl standing in the hallway.

“Christine, what are you doing here?” I asked opening the door only a crack. Christine craned her neck to see in.

“I was in the hallway walking Biffy and I heard weird sounds,” she said. “Biffy won’t stop barking at your door.” Not only was Christine weird and annoying as heck because of her aggravating dog but I also suspected she had a crush on me, which made privacy almost impossible.

“Look Christine, as much as I’d love to talk right now, I really don’t have time for—.”I heard splashing sounds. I left the door and I ran back into the bathroom. Sean was leaning over the edge and he looked up at me.

“Dude,” he said then puked over the edge and all over my floor.

“Gross!!” Christine said. She was standing behind me. “He looks sick.”


I had had enough. I wrapped Sean in one of my robes and stuffed him in the back seat of my Jeep. I took the pill bottle and stuffed it in my front pocket. I didn’t know what it was but I was gonna find out. I backed up and started to pull out of the parking lot but stopped when I saw a red headed figure running towards me. I rolled down the window as she approached.

“What do you want Christine?”

“I forgot I left the door open but he normally doesn’t leave and I checked the hallway and he’s missing.” She said all in one breathe, panting.

“Okay, slow down.” I said “Who’s missing?”

“Biffy!!”

I narrowed my eyes. I didn’t have time for this. “Look,” I said in the most soothing placating voice I knew. “I have to take my friend to the hospital. If I see your dog, I promise I’ll bring him back to you.”

That seemed to calm her down. “Okay, thank you!” she said. I nodded, rolled up my window, and finished backing out. That morning would be the longest morning of my life. I thought things were as bad as they could get. I was wrong.
Last edited by Ray112 on Tue Aug 09, 2011 1:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Sat Jul 30, 2011 4:57 pm
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paperbackheart says...



It's interesting. It just doesn't follow a journal format. He wouldn't know beforehand that the end of the world was coming. If it already happened then he would have stated how it happened. It seems more like chapters than journal entries. I would stick with chapters for that anyway, but do as you wish.

I love your character and his total honesty. I also loved the line where he says he'd sell out his own Mom and apologizes to her. That made me laugh.

I would love to read more of this. Post on my profile when you write more because this is great. It's captivating and makes me curious. Write more please.

-Nana
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Sun Jul 31, 2011 4:23 am
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AllyGrLxOX says...



Hello there!
I would like to apologize in advance for this not being the most thorough review in the world. :P
However your writing stlye blew me away so I felt the need to write you a fluff review full of compliments! xD

To begin with I am in love with the voice you've created- can you hear me applauding? Because I am applauding right now, VIGOROUS APPLAUSE. :D

You've also formed a very intriguing story so far and I am very anxious to see where you take the rest of it. Your writing was able to keep me hooked throughout the whole thing. Where most of the time I merely skim and scam on this site, to see if I like the writing.

Your stlye is also quite astounding, I'm loving it!
Although I would suggest droping the whole, "journal" aspect. I find it un-needed since you're not actually writing in a journalistic style. Unless you plan on having the whole journal thing come into play later in the story, since I don't know where you plan on taking the story.

So please, please, please, lemme know when some more of your work is posted! I am now following this story and will anxiously be waiting for a new post! :)

Once again, so terribly sorry for the fluff review.

-Ally
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Sun Jul 31, 2011 8:26 am
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MasterGrieves says...



I don't think it fits as a journal. I think it has the potential to be told as a story. I liked how you made it modern and very of this time; I liked your use of empathy and with a slight hint of sarcasm (maybe?). Keep up the good work, can't wait to see more.
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Sun Aug 07, 2011 8:18 am
Ray112 says...



*deleted*
Last edited by Ray112 on Tue Aug 09, 2011 12:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Sun Aug 07, 2011 8:18 am
Ray112 says...



*deleted*
Last edited by Ray112 on Mon Aug 08, 2011 6:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Tue Aug 09, 2011 11:06 am
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IcyFlame says...



Hey there!
I agree with everyone else, the journal format doesn't appear to be working. That being said you have a very unique way of telling the story and have used a good range of fiction hooks.
If changing the book into chapters rather than journal entries, I would definitely halve this one and post it as a part one or two. The reviewers on here are wonderful for the most part, but we all get distracted when reading a long piece of work - no matter how good it is.
You had one or two tiny spelling mistakes, but I won't pick them out as I know it can be annoying when people do that.
Good luck, and keep on writing!
  





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Thu Aug 11, 2011 4:26 pm
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DarthAJ says...



This was a very interesting indeed.

I love your writing style, its very "today" and your dialogue is really well done. I can actually see people saying this in real life. So far the main character (Eric) is pretty likeable which is great.

Your beginning was very nice, that gave me a great hook to read through the whole chapter, of course while reading the chapter I started to like a whole host of other things :). There are a few spelling mistakes but nothing a spell check won't solve.

Going to read chapter 2 now!
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:21 pm
Ray112 says...



thankyou for the comments everyone. please comment on the other chapters too. I need all the feed back I can get. thank you.
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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:34 pm
Lauren2010 says...



Hey Ray! (Hah, that rhymed xD)

I'd actually like to disagree with what everyone has been saying about journal format. Mostly because this doesn't completely strike me as already being in the style of a journal. The only thing that lends itself to that assumption is the very beginning of the chapter where he warns the reader to stop reading. Everything after that flows as more of a memoir of sorts rather than a journal. Journals are thought of to be kept while the action is occuring, while this is as if he is telling someone or writing this down after everything has happened.

On that note, I don't like the beginning. The whole "don't read this, oh, well, I warned you" is cliche and a tad overused. I don't think it benefits the story as a whole, at least from reading the rest of this chapter. It would seem to me that if something had happened to destroy/severely change the world he would want someone to read it so they would know what happened. If he didn't want someone to read it, it would make more sense that he wouldn't even write it down.

The story, plot-progression-wise, after that is really quite good. I enjoyed Eric's character, although a few of the other characters (or at least the situations surrounding a few of the other characters) could stand for some improvement.

“No I’m not!” she snapped. “I’m married and you know that. This was a mistake.” She stepped out of the room.

This came as a shock, and not in a good way. It was unbelievable. Prior to this line, she didn't act like she was married, she acted like she loved Eric and had no regrets at all about anything they had done. Then in a split second she flips over to leaving Eric because she's married and saying they never should have done anything. This sort of a change is unrealistic. Try leaving hints throughout the whole scene that she is married, show her looking regretful or worried or confused. Since her husband appears to be abusive, she would definitely be afraid that he would find out and punish her for it.

Also, how old is she?? I'm assuming that these are college students (or at least Eric is). So if she's married, and she doesn't appear to be a college student, then how much older is she? It would be interesting to see how an age difference (however small) affects their relationship.

“Gross!!” Christine said. She was standing behind me. “He looks sick.”

This line also struck me as awkward. Still assuming these are people around the age of college students, "gross" doesn't particularly seem like a word she'd use. Especially with the level of swearing from the characters as is. She comes across as immature, stupid, and annoying. Which, maybe you were going for.

Other than that, good first chapter! It jumps right into the story, just as a first chapter should, and grabs the reader with the action. I'm interested to see where it goes from here!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-
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