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Fauxwinds Chapter Three



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Sat Jul 30, 2011 1:05 pm
chloe13 says...



‘The bird of Hermes is your name,
eating your wings to make you tame,
not king, nor prince, why can’t they see?
a crow, yes a crow is what you’d rather be!’


Gabrielle’s lips were pressed inconceivable tight together, her fingernails digging into the horse’s saddle. The rider certainly wasn’t silent anymore. As soon as the others had disappeared into the blanketing fog, he’d started singing that unsettling tune, his voice bouncing off the staring trees and disturbing the forest.

“Shall I sing it once again my lady?” he asked.

“No!”

He turned to smile at her, obviously amused by her sudden outburst.

“I mean, perhaps you should rest your voice?”

“Nonsense! I could sing for a month, no, a year! And I have my lady, in the year twenty-seventy and eleventy-eight, I did, I sang, I sung for a whole year straight!”

“Well then perhaps you have done enough!”

His laugh exploded off the trees.“Never my lady! Why? I never did believe my voice was that bad, no sir I did not!” Gabrielle felt as if she were in the presence of a cunning and dangerous creature, a feeling all too familiar. She frowned deeply.
“It’s not the voice. It’s the song, just, I just don’t like it.” The rider remained silent.
“Who would want to be a crow?” she said.

“Who wouldn’t? Crows are misunderstood, they are very intelligent, lonely, and friendly birds! Better to be a crow then a vicious beast I say.”

“Well I still don’t like them” she snapped.
The rider laughed again.“Well then, my fair and wise, tell us, what would you rather be?” she thought for a moment.
“I’m not certain but I certainly wouldn’t-“

“it’s not very becoming to contradict oneself in a sentence my dear.”

“Never mind! Where are the other riders. It seems like we’ve been going around in circles.This fog, it’s so thick -”

“What you just spoke, you might as well have said, I am certainly uncertain. You see, no sense does it make, it makes none at all! Um, thank you.”
Her frown set in even deeper. She remained silent and allowed him to continue, listening very closely.
“ And what’s more, why bother saying anything when you aren’t even certain what you’d rather be? “ he scoffed “ women and men, I’ll never comprehend . . but what does that make me? A dog , a friend . . .a monster?”

“YOU!” Gabrielle forgot her lady-like complacency for one moment, but a moment was all it took for her to divulge her insidious side, tackling the masked rider into the ground and shaking him by the shoulders. “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHY DO YOU WANT TO TORMENT ME?” The Stow Away laughed hysterically, his manical smile appearing once Gabrielle ripped off the white silken mask. “You diabolical . . . heathen. . . bogey!” his hysterics intensified the more violently she shook him.
“Did you really . . . just . . .say, bogey?!”

Gabrielle screamed and tightened her grip “Leave me alone!”

“Aw, I just wanna play! The Hermes bird I am, I came! Eating my wings to make me tame! Gabrielle-“ he spluttered, “I can hear-“

“Hear what? Your life slowly disappearing? You’re black soul smouldering as it descends into hell?”

“Are. . . You kidding?” he laughed, “you can’t kill someone by shaking. . . them! But I think you should stop all the same!”

“Oh! You are just saying that because the end is near for you! And you know it! Well ‘tis the entrance of your demise my nemesis, and I welcome it!” Gabrielle froze as the caress of cool steal touched her chin.

“That is quite enough swine.”
Gabrielle whimpered and slowly rose to her feet, suddenly at the mercy of a White Crusader’s blade.
The Stow Away laughed once more.

“Are you fair comrade?” asked Bartholemew, his look of loathing fixed now on Gabrielle, his sword drawing scarlet beads across her neck.

“Yes, yes! I am fine, it’s nothing but another attack o’ my valourous life.”

“You diabolical wretch!” Spat Gabrielle.

“Silence!” The hilt of Felline’s sword connected with her nose, sending her sprawled across the ground. “You have no place to speak here traitor!” he roared. Gabrielle groaned as tears began to scream down her cheeks, mingling with the dirt and blood on her face.

“Don’t you dare bleed on this ground . . .” Felline growled, his hand grabbing violently at her hair. “We haven’t allowed it yet. . .” He turned to The Stow Away who was wiping dirt from his shoulders casually, his jaw was clenched tight.
The Stow Away drew his sword and began to study his reflection in the blade.
“May I ask your name, so we may kill her in it?” asked Bartholemew, who sheathed his sword. Already they had begun to drag her, as if his answer was already known.

“Well firstly,” The Stow Away sighed, “I must tell you . . “ he moved too quick for the eye to see.
The whistle of metal, a flash of scarlette. Gabrielle screamed as Felline who had been dragging her by the arms, fell to the ground,a deep and fatal wound across his chest crying scarlet into the ground, his sky blue eyes going cloudy.
The Stow Away smiled. It chilled Gabrielle to the core.

“This, is a war. It seems you’ve forgotten.”
The nameless rider screamed, and fell to the ground beside his fallen brother.
“How can this happen? Have the Gods no mercy?”

"God serves mercy, but it is the devil who deals justice, oh White Crusader."

"Then I shall come at you with all the fires of hell!"
He rose and charged valiantly toward The Stow Away. It was over with one devastating swing from his sword. His eyes stared widely into the mist. A happy blade grinned at her, its moist nose breached through the surface of its prey, sniffing, searching. Another fallen Crusader.
The Stow Away grinned with all his teeth, his eyes wild. He was completely scarlet, just dripping . . .
Gabrielle gripped her hands over her mouth. She shook uncontrollably. She had to stop this, she tried to remember, but her mind had drawn a veil over her memories, rendering her powerless and pathetic.

“Who-who are you!” screamed Bartholemew, fallen to his knees, tears cascading down his battle worn face. “Who are you that can kill the Blood Brothers which two swift blows of steel?” The red man reefed Bartholemew’s head back, exposing his bare and naked throat, ripe and pulsating. He bent down and whispered softly to him, like a cruel lover . . .

“The Hermes bird is my name killing vermin is my game” he held his sword steady against his flesh.
“And now, my brother, my sir, I shall gladly take the pound of flesh, for which we are owed.” And with one fatal slice,the last Crusader had repaid his debt.
“Not king nor prince, why can’t they see? A bird of prey is what I’d rather be . . .”
Last edited by chloe13 on Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sun Jul 31, 2011 1:28 pm
LadySpark says...



hi! I'm drama and I'm here to review! I haven't seen you around. So, lets get started!!!!!!


The bird of Hermes is your name,

eating your wings to make you tame,

not king, nor prince, why can’t they see?

a crow, yes a crow is what you’d rather be!

I know some people like to use ' instead of " but, that is ungrammatical. Very.

Gabrielle’s lips were pressed inconceivable tight together, her fingernails digging into the horse’s saddle. The rider certainly wasn’t silent anymore. As soon as the others had disappeared into the blanketing fog, he’d started singing that unsettling tune, his voice bouncing off the staring trees and disturbing the forest.

What? I'm confused. This has just confused me.

“Shall I sing it once again my lady?!” he asked.

Way to many spaces. make it smaller. Just hit enter once

“NO!” shouldn't this be a she?He turned to smile. “I mean…perhaps you should rest your voice?”


Gabrielle screamed and tightened her grip “LEAVE.ME.ALONE!” "Leave me alone!"

whoaaaaaaaa. no caps please. And there is no need for those periods. Also, once again, I am dreadfully confused.

HEAR WHAT!"hear what? Your life slowly disappearing?! You’re black soul smouldering as it descends into hell?!”


YOUBLACKARDYou Blackard!” Spat Gabrielle.

okay, last time. Just in case you're not getting the point. LOL
What is a blackard anyway?




The Stow Away drew his sword and began to study his reflection in the blade.

“May I ask your name, so we may kill her in it?” asked Bartholemew, who sheathed his sword. Already they had begun to drag her, as if his answer was already known.

“Well firstly,” The Stow Away sighed, “I must tell you . . “ he moved too quick for the eye to see.

The whistle of metal, a flash of scarlette. Gabrielle screamed as Felline who had been dragging her by the arms, fell to the ground,a deep and fatal wound across his chest crying scarlet into the ground, his sky blue eyes going cloudy.

I am so confused!

“Not king nor prince, why can’t they see? A bird of prey is what I’d rather be . . .”

Ahh. I love this. Its pretty. where'd ya get it? It seems familiar.

Okay, I'm one confused chicky. Just saying.

~drama
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:21 pm
Cotton says...



hello :D

I have to confess, I'm here to point out grammar and punctuation stuff so I won't be very helpful on plot matters and such. Generally, you used a nice variety of sentence structures and all the different ways of having speech and non-speech and stuff, so all good stuff there. You do, however, have a number of typing errors that don't seem to come from ignorance of what is right; rather, that you haven't proof-read it closely enough. I'll point out a few to you, but otherwise just read it through again, checking all your punctuation is in the right space, and that you're not missing a space here and there and what have you.

Also, sometimes the way your characters talk slips from the kind of historical/medieval-y speak to something I can't quite define. So be careful with that - if I spot where it happens again, I'll see if I can show you.

So, some examples of little errors:

‘The bird of Hermes is your name,
eating your wings to make you tame,
not king, nor prince, why can’t they see?
a crow, yes a crow is what you’d rather be!’

This is a song, you told me so yourself, so make sure that the first words on each line are capitalised - like you would in a poem.


“Nonsense! I could sing for a month, no, a year! And I have my lady, in the year twenty-seventy and eleventy-eight, I did, I sang, I sung for a whole year straight!”

Why did you suddenly switch to "sung"? It doesn't quite work - also, I'd punctuate this sentence like this, so that it's broken up in a way that seems more natural for speech:

"Nonsense! I could sing for a month - no, a year! And I have, my lady - in the year twenty-seventy and eleventy-eight, I did: I sang, I sang for a whole year straight!"

I also just realised how odd your years are... "eleventy-eight"?


“It’s not the voice. It’s the song, just, I just don’t like it.” The rider remained silent.
“Who would want to be a crow?” she said.

Generally, it's best to start a new paragraph only really when a different character speaks, so having her continue speaking in a new paragraph is a little confusing. I'd do it like this:

""It's not the voice, it's the song. I just - I just don't like it." The rider remained silent, waiting for her to explain. "Who would want to be a crow?" she qualified."


“Well I still don’t like them” she snapped.

Here's a simple typo: you need a comma after "them"


The rider laughed again.“Well then, my fair and wise, tell us, what would you rather be?” she thought for a moment.

You need a space in "again. "Well..."" and a capital S on "She thought"


“Are. . . You kidding?” he laughed, “you can’t kill someone by shaking. . . them! But I think you should stop all the same!”

Here, "you can't kill someone by shaking" would be a new sentence, even in the "he laughed" wasn't in the middle, so you punctuate it like this: ""Are ... you kidding?" he laughed. "You can't kill someone by shaking... them!""


“You diabolical wretch!” Spat Gabrielle.

Opposite here, because even though the speech ends in an exclamation mark, "spat Gabrielle" is still describing the speech so doesn't have a capital.

See what I mean? Really minor mistakes, and otherwise I thought you developed characters pretty well actually, and you gave me a reasonable sense of location and stuff. Not bad at all :D

~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 4:13 pm
Kale says...



It probably doesn't help that I haven't read the previous chapters, but this was quite confusing, and not in the way I think you intended it to be. Everything moved so quickly, too quickly, and so your readers had no time to register much of anything before the next thing was occurring.

In addition, the characters' reactions felt unrealistic, contrived, in places. This may be due in part to the pacing, but also partly to do with how little characterization the White Crusaders receive. Gabrielle's attack seemed to come out of the blue; there's irritation and unease, yes, but that irritation and unease wasn't built up enough to justify an attack as sudden and apparently brutal as Gabrielle's. The White Crusaders' reactions felt unrealistic because they essentially just stood there and yammered and let themselves get killed instead of attempting to defend themselves against the sudden attack. There isn't enough to really justify why Bartholemew in particular, who is described as being quite old (and thus would likely be more experienced), just sits there and cries and doesn't do anything to resist when the Stow Away goes to slit his throat.

It would make more sense if the battle was so swift and brutal that none of the White Crusaders had any time to even draw their weapons much less register the slaughter.
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"What is a poet? An unhappy person who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music."
— Søren Kierkegaard, Philosopher & Theologian