Young Writers Society

Ikion’s muscles bunched beneath his sleek black pelt, anger fueling his frenzied journey through the dark forest. He could still see it, the blood seeping into the ground, the shredded carcasses strewn across the battle field. He winced as his sister’s battered face stared out at him from every shadow. He couldn’t erase the bloody scene from his mind. She had been so beautiful, so young. A deep growl issued from his throat, disturbing the quiet forest flying past him. But now they would pay for what they had done. He resisted the enticing urge to throw back his magnificent head and howl his sorrow to the moon. He was on Komacho territory now.
As the giant redwood trees surrounding him thinned and then disappeared altogether, Ikion felt exposed, naked. The valley before him was awash in moonlight, a bright contrast to the darkness of the forest. He pulled his lips back in disgust as the gravel of a man-made pathway pressed into the flesh of his paws. Humans.
Warily he padded off down the gravel slope, the large brown house visible to his right, a newly planted vineyard to his left. In a swift lunge, the powerful black wolf glided over the fence into freshly plowed dirt. Soundlessly, he moved towards the house: his enemy’s human den. The porch creaked loudly and he quickly padded past the front door. He was surprised to find the packs scent strongly covering a rickety wooden staircase to his right. Awkwardly he climbed the moldering stairs to the second floor balcony.
Ikion couldn’t believe what he found at the top of the stairs. A window leading into a large bedroom had been left wide open, the screen hanging uselessly to one side. It was obvious the pack used it as their escape. Tasting the air, the black wolf peered into the untidy room. He could see an empty mattress and judging by the scent, he realized that the Komacho Alpha Ethanne, must be away.
As he slipped in through the window the frame scraped uncomfortably against his ribs and back. Anticipation filled him as he realized he was not alone. To his right lay another mattress, a small silver wolf strewn across it, her hearty snores disguising his loud heart beat. He passed by Queleigh’s twitching form cautiously. The young she-wolf looked deadly even asleep.
He slipped soundlessly into the hallway, splinters pricking at his paws. He waited a few moments, breathing deeply to quiet his racing heart. Nosing into the next doorway he shivered. Ryelaine lay deathly still, her black pelt identical to his own. Even walking dreams, Ryelaine’s body sensed the foreign presence in her den. How perceptive.
Enarose was in the next room, the yellow walls covered with holes where the plaster showed through. Obviously the pack had played rough in this room as pups. Ikion stared at Enarose. She was beautiful, her tawny fur shifting as she slept. She was the identical of her sister only much smaller.
Moving to the last room on the landing, Ikion shivered as the moonlight fell through the white curtains to illuminate the young woman lying on the old mattress, curled tightly into a fetal position. He breathed in the human scent; she was almost too good, he could hardly detect wolf-scent at all. His anger wavered as he neared her. Summoning the image of his sisters dead face to mind, the anger returned full force.
Kajo, the young she-wolf destined to take the Komacho pack from Ethanne. She was their only hope, and she was his. Ikion padded forwards, knowing he would have to make this as soundless as possible. If he alerted her sisters they would kill him. Kajo’s body twitched, her brow creasing as a shiver ran through her body and her lips moved to form soundless words. Ikion’s resolve faltered as he stared down at the young woman, marveling at her human form. A breath later a slender tawny wolf lay before him, writhing on the bed as if in pain. He was stunned by how easily she phormed. Moments later she returned to her human form.
Ikion phormed and knelt beside her as all intent of revenge and murder dissipated. He was close enough to see the battle scars covering her fragile white skin which seemed so delicate beneath the pale sheets wrapped tightly around her twitching body. He had only seen Kajo a few times before, and she had been raging and fierce on the battlefield, leading her pack into war against his own family. But for some reason he could not touch her, he couldn’t hurt this beautiful creature lying before him.
Ikion phormed and fled the den before slipping away into the blackness of the forest, Ryelaine’s dark gaze filled with fury as she watched him disappear.

Hi there,

DakotaK wrote:Ikion’s muscles bunched beneath his sleek black pelt, anger fueling his frenzied journey through the dark redwood forest.

Good start. The redwood description seems forced in there and makes it a little wordy for my taste. It seems like it could be weaved in later in the piece.

His sister’s battered face stared at him from his mind’s eye causing a deep growl to disturb the quiet forest flying past him.

This could be two succinct 'neat' sentences. It is all a little wordy so far. Not bad just wordy. minds eye is also really cliche. Show us how he sees it, in every patch of dark, when he closes his eyes for only a second etc. and maybe talk about how it appears to him, bloody, bruised, red and black and so on.

As the forests thinned and disappeared Ikion felt exposed;, naked.

He pulled his lips back in disgust as the gravel of a man-made pathway pressed into the flesh of his paws. Humans.

Nice work here.

The woodenporch whinedangrily at his weightand he quickly moved around the front of the house and awkwardly climbed the wooden stairs to the second floor balcony.

The description of the porch is a little strange. The wooden porch whined angrily This is very wordy and not at all effective. I think I know what image you aimed to create but it fails because all the extra adjectives are jarring and distracting.Try something like:

The porch whined as he quickly moved...

If it whines we can assume its wood. We know its because he is heavy. The wood isn't angry, the personification of it whining is enough.

He noted with disgust that the rotting wood looked highly unstable. Luck was on his side as the bedroom window had been left wide open. So careless.

How convenient :/ Don't make this seem so artificial, so contrived. It's almost as though you wanted him to enter through the window so you forced it in there because hurling yourself through a window is so much more poetic than quietly walking through a door. But if he must enter that way, make it more natural. Make him simply opt to find a window, after realising another angry deck might wake the occupants

As he slipped in through the window, the frame scraping uncomfortably against his ribs and back, he realized that the Komacho Alpha Ethanne must be away; her bed lay empty

How does he know its her bed? and this could do with a couple of periods, break it into a few sentences. You should also show us here. IT is all a little bit tell-y. Make him poke his nose through the window glaring through the darkness. Make him realise the room is empty and talk about how it is 'uncomfortable.' How he feels, what he smells? is he scared? What's his breathing like? and so on.

I think the most important thing is getting your prose a little more succinct. Short sentences are fine, Long ones are fine aswell, it's when the balance is lost that they become annoying. You use too many long sentences, getting all caught up in whether or not the image is clear. Meet the reader halfway, don't go all the way, kick down the door and storm into our living room. You can drop some of the wordy descriptions and show us a little more.

You also seem to overuse the semi colon. I noticed how frequently you used it and this is something I struggle with myself. I think you need someone who is a little more confident about there punctuation here to review your uses.

Now the big stuff. Story - solid, good plot. Clear conflict. Characters seem fine. Setting was OK. No dialogue to complain about. Good start, there really wasn't much action which is generally where prologues/chapter 1's fall over but it was fine, the conflict - internal for your MC, and external between the factions - more than made up for the lack of action.

Great start.

Hope this helps.
JP

Hai! Let's see what you have here...

Specifics

1. Names. I am actually going to have to start here. Usually I am willing to turn a blind eye in fantasy but Ikion, seriously? It just makes me think of Icky and suddenly I can't take your character seriously and every time I see his name I find myself smiling and getting distracted. So maybe consider revising it? Names are really important. If you make one hard to pronounce or if one is similar to certain words, that's going to reflect on your character.

2. You have some awkward sentences in here and I'm not sure if that's because you haven't proof-read or are just struggling with the flow? One example:

As he slipped in through the window [Comma here.] the frame scraped uncomfortably [This makes the sentence too clunky and isn't needed. Of course it's going to be uncomfortable.] against his ribs and back.

3. So far it's a little bland for something that's clearly meant to be an important scene. I'd suggest you get some emotion in there. You do good at the beginning when he thinks of his sister but after that he's all like 'I see, the main alpha isn't home, oh look, the pack left through there, let's just go up here...' There isn't any 'how dare he be away' or 'Oh yes, he's away. Now I can exact my revenge.' We know little of his intentionss, little of how he's feeling. You're telling us that this is the enemy territory but you're not showing us.

4.

He slipped soundlessly into the hallway, splinters pricking at his paws. He waited a few moments, breathing deeply to quiet his racing heart. Nosing into the next doorway he shivered. Ryelaine lay deathly still, her black pelt identical to his own. Even walking dreams, Ryelaine’s body sensed the foreign presence in her den. How perceptive.

Lovely. More phrases like 'walking dreams', that's very nicely put.

5. A breath later. Moments later. Suddenly. All these little ways we have of saying something happened quickly in the slowest way possible. Why not simply, 'And then she was human again'. It's much more cutting, more effective.

Plot and Characters

Okay so I'd have liked to see more suspence here, more would he do it, would he not. It was too quuickly clear that he wouldn't for my liking. Why not extend that through the piece, have him steeling himself to it right from the beginning and then faltering at the last second. Make us think he will kill her. Make us feel something about that, sad for her or glad of it. Your reader needs to know which characters they're meant to be backing here. Currently I like Ryelaine, purely because of her name. The rest held little interest for me. They were all too flat to choose from personality and you were far more centred on how beautiful they all are it seems.

But it's early yet, annd there is something intriguing about this. I do have a few thoughts along the lines of, well, what happened? So you've done a good job with the suspense in places, but I do think it needs more spice.

Heather xxx