Young Writers Society

Hi there.
Wow. This first chapter got right into it, didn't it? I like the straight-forward action. It works in that we're introduced to the main straight-away and you get right into the plot. However, I would have liked a little bit more back story. I get what you're trying to do; the main character is under duress and probably doesn't have time to explain how her mom died and how her dad tried to kill her, but her answer to the question, "So, why am I running away?" feels extremely abrupt as if you're trying to force us into the action.

Now, Dee describes herself as "tough, smart, cunning, and most of all lethal." If she's trying to pump herself up for what she's about to do, this is nice. It shows that she's scared and out-of-sorts. I didn't rule this out, but I feel like you meant for her to be actually describing aspects of her character. If so, then you're telling us who she is instead of showing. I don't think this line is necessary because we can see through her actions how tough, smart, cunning, and lethal she is (what kind of girl runs away with her dad's gun in the seat of her pants? A lethal one). Keep it if you meant for it to show how scared she rightfully is.

There's not much I can gather from the whole story from just the introductory chapter, but something that really caught me up was the Mercedes.

How lucky am I that before my rich mom died she taught me how to drive it and put it in my name for when I got older and she died? Very.

Really? Every protagonist of every story needs a little artificial luck to beat the antagonist or escape from a tricky situation, but the trick is to make it not so obvious (unless you're Adam Sandler). It's okay if her mom taught her how to drive, but I think leaving the car in Dee's name is unnecessary and brings more attention to how "lucky" Dee is. I also don't like the rhetorical question there. Something simple like, "Good thing mom taught me how to drive," both continues the action and doesn't break up the flow of the story.

One last thing I'll pick on is that while Dee is driving for sixty miles to Fort Worth, how did she flip through the stations and stop at only one song? I know that's probably not what you meant, but it's what I thought when I first read it.

Overall, this story catches my interest because I've actually run away from home before. It wasn't anything as dramatic as what Dee is going through (for one thing, I didn't have a Mercedes that my mom taught me to drive and left in my name for me to have in case she died ) but I know the feeling of wanting to run away. I'd guess it's a feeling most everyone's had so I automatically find myself rooting for Dee. I think you need to show more instead of telling and pay attention to those smaller details and this story could be really good.

We're both new here so let's keep at it!

Ah, one last thing before I go, song names should be italicized.

Hiya,
I like the idea. I like the way your story started with a *bang*. It seems like an interesting idea.

Anyway, my dad hit me several times and tried to literally kill me.

I think the literally word makes the sentence sound..choppy. Try making it:

Anyway, my dad hit me several times and tried to kill me. Literally.

I have ebony skin and small but very hard muscles, before my mom died my nickname from her was the beautiful African priestess.

Too long, break it into two sentences.

How lucky am I that before my rich mom died she taught me how to drive it and put it in my name for when I got older and she died? Very.

Too long, and I agree with mparq ^^.

That was all I noticed. Good work, keep writing

"I have ebony skin and small but very hard muscles, before my mom died my nickname from her was the beautiful African priestess."

A semicolon might be better in place of a comma.

"How lucky am I that before my rich mom died she taught me how to drive it and put it in my name for when I got older and she died? Very."

This sounds like a typical teen attitude, which you captured well. However, maybe split up the first sentence to make it easier to follow. This character doesn't sound very loving. I'm guessing she's the tough type. Am I right? However, a little love towards her mother would not go amiss.

The names of songs should be capitalized and underlined/italicized.

And, when you say "I’m tough, smart, cunning, and most of all lethal," it sounds a little abrupt. It also seems like she's trying to sound all tough and boastful when she's a little unsure inside. Do you want this effect?

Overall, despite being a little too abrupt and sudden, this is a pretty good beginning.

Hello,

It's nice to meet you. As requested, I'll try to review as honestly as possible.

I agree with a lot of what's been said. Mainly, the first sentence is almost a slap in the face. BAM! Right into the action. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. I can see why you liked to start with the running away. It certainly served to hook the reader, but it can similarly seem to "force" the reader into the story. That's not what you want to do. You want to open the door and "tantalize" the reader into stepping inside. Here's an alternative fix. You can try to switch the first two paragraphs around, or combine the two.

Begin with, "My name is Dee and from now on, I don't have a last name. Dee no last name."
If you start with this sentence, not only are you serving the same purpose (hooking the reader), but it adds a bit of intrigue to the story (We're left to question why does she not have a last name?) and this way the action doesn't catch anyone off guard. If I want to know why she has no last name, I read on. That's what you want to do to your readers. You want to hook them and slowly reel them in. You don't want to slap them in the face, because they get so caught off guard, they'll just leave, right?

I’m tough, smart, cunning, and most of all lethal.

I agree with the reviewers above. I would just leave this out. I'll explain why:

You are writing this story in first person. Worse of all you're writing it in present tense. I'm not trying to say that's a bad idea. If you pull it off, it will be brilliant. It is actually a good choice for this story, too. It adds more tension. We have no idea what's going to happen next.

The problem is that it is more challenging to write it this way. Not only is it more challenging grammatically (we're just not used to hearing stories told in the present tense) but you have to write it in a very specific way: the here and now, limited only to your character's view point.

You have to basically step into your characters shoes to the point where you as the writer must turn into that character. Your character is right now running away from home. Her mother is dead. Her father is going to kill her. Her thoughts are not: "I'm tough, smart, cunning, and most of all lethal" that's not immediately what comes to mind when a character is running away.

Now the questioning, "So, why am I running away?" That is acceptable, because it's like she's doing some mental calculation: "I know this is stupid, but I am doing it for the right reasons" and your character is aware of this and is mentally affirming this decision as the correct one in her mind.

How grateful I am that my mom taught me how to drive. Very.

Switched the I/am.

It seems like from previous posts that when the mom died, she left her the vehicle? It looks like when you went back to edit, you accidentally left this detail out, because throughout the story I was thinking about your character robbing her father's vehicle.

Which begs me to question, was the mother's death an accident? Was it sudden? Or slow-going? Was the vehicle filed under her parents name? They're married. Even if it was filed just under the mother's name, if she died, it would immediately go to the father.That's assuming it was a sudden death. It would technically belong to her dad and he could report it stolen. It would be within his rights.

There is the possibility that it was a slow-death, and what I mean by that is that the mother knew she was going to die. Then she could just leave the vehicle to her daughter, if she believed the situation bad enough to merit that (it is a lot of paperwork) I understand that this is just the first chapter and more information on her mother's death will come eventually. I just figure I would mention all of this now, so that if there are any plot holes, you can avoid it later.

Now. Even if the vehicle was hers, the dad could report her missing, the police can easily track her from the license plate. Now, I'm sure you have more in store for us

Also, since she's a minor and has no license, what she is doing is illegal. I'm sure that's alright though as it adds to her character - whether she is just tough and she doesn't pay heed to the law (street-cred?), or she is just a fourteen year old who doesn't think things through

I have to see how long I can go without getting a frigging job. Yes, I said frigging

lol! I chuckled when I read this. She thinks she's so tough. "Yes I said friggin." Yet, the line to me seems so innocent. Brings back the emphasis that she is still just a child.

Ha! A job in this economy? Is fourteen too young to get a job? Maybe only in some states.

One thing I'll have to be picky about are the song titles. If you're planning this story as something you eventually want published, it's better to emit the titles as it really dates your work. Five, ten, twenty years from now - everyone will forget about Chris Brown/Lil Wayne. At least, we can only hope 0:)

Overall, nice story. It is certainly an interesting premise and I look forward to seeing in what direction this will go. Although I would have liked to read a bit more of what is happening to your character on an emotional/mental level. That is what first person is good for - you're able to write out your character's thoughts. Action and stuff is alright - rather rushed. But I think what is more important are the feelings associated with running away. Being alone. Having to care for yourself at fourteen.

Put yourself in your character's shoes? How would you feel if...

And you will find yourself with quite a lot to write about Oh! And watch your commas.

~ As Always, Audy

Hi!
I thought this was a great story, but I think you need to work on your grammar. It kept nagging me, "Incorrect use of grammar!!!!"

My name is Dee and, from now on, I don’t have a last name, Dee no last name. I’m fourteen and a half. I’m tough, smart, cunning, and most of all lethal. I know I sound like a wimp because I’m running away but I’m not, running away is the right decision. My dad will kill me if I don’t. I have ebony skin and small but very hard muscles. Before my mom died my nickname from her was little African priestess. Man, do I miss her. A single tear falls down my cheek.

I don't know why you put fourteen and a half, but it seemed sort of awkward to share the "and a half" part. In the fourth sentence, ",running away is the right decision." should be one sentence. It is sort of weird to say that his dad will kill him and then suddenly back to describing himself. The end, "A single tear falls down my cheek." AWKWARRRD!!! I don't know, but it sounds a bit weird to be in that spot of the story.

I think you should proofread this before you actually post it, make some changes.



GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!!!


~Kat