Young Writers Society

Since I was eight, I've been hunted. I don't know why, or who, or how, but in those seven years, I've learned how to run. And I've learned that no matter how well you hide, no matter how low your profile is, no matter how completely you dissapear, sooner or later, They'll find you. It's a miracle that I've made it this far. I've faced death about as many times as a normal fifteen-year-old has faced a pop quiz.
Right now, I'm on a random bridge in, I think, Washington. The cars are moving over the bridge at the speed of turtles and as packed as sardines. People riding bikes and walking pass by. None of them look my way. They all think I'm homeless, or a criminal. They're right. I've broken into houses, stolen cars, and shoplifted stores. Anything it takes to survive. I'm wanted in most states, under the name William Johnson. My real name's Bill Henderson.
It's been about a week since I last ran into Them. It's probably about time for Them to show up again. It's always about time for Them to show up.
I can pick Them out in a crowd. They like wearing dark colors, and stick in groups. They look too serious for their age. They're always teens, and are as stern-looking as businessmen. I remember when I used to hide from every person I saw. Ironically, that just made it easier for Them to find me. I have a better chance in big cities. It's easier to get lost.
I stare over the bridge's guard rails, at the water below. The waves leap and crash in an endless race, striving for the same goal. A branch swirls by, buoyed by the frenzy of the waves. Just another example of their raw power. I've always loved water. Back when I was younger, I was considered a swimming prodigy. I love the chill when you first jump into the water. I love the feeling I was flying, joining in the race of the waves.
I came here to have a little fun. They know I like water, so I usually try to stay away from it. But today is a special day. They probably don't remember, or care, but it's our anniversery. It's been exactly seven years today since They ruined my life. This is a cause for celebration.
This jump'll say 'Hey! You ruined my life, but guess what? I'm still alive!' except with a lot of swear words added in. I wish I could say it to Their faces. I wish I could say it to my parents.
I barely remember my parents because I was three, but I know what they did. They gave me up for this weird genetic testing. They said it was going to make me better, but they never said what it was for. And then afterwards, I was shipped off to some foster care family. Jokes on them, though, because whatever the genetic testing was supposed to do, it didn't work. I'm still a normal teenage boy. Besides the fact that I'm being chased by strange people whose goal is to kill for no reason, completely normal.
I breathe in the air, leaning over the rail. It's not too windy, for Washington. I can smell the sea. I hold the guard rail. I can feel my heart pounding faster in anticipation. I put a foot on one of the lower rails.
A scream pierces the air. I whip around, adrenaline starting to pump through my veins. I see a kid who looks around nine running like all heck's broken lose. I see the familiar figures running after him in solid colored t-shirts and jeans. I've never seen Them chasing anyone else before. It's surreal, like I'm having an out of body experience or de ja vu. They're a lot further down than me. They're running toward me, but on the other side of traffic. They probably will run by without even noticing me. They're gaining. There's no way he's going to make it.
I don't know what comes over me. I can't say I'm making the consious decision to, but I'm running across the bridge. I keep running until I reach the kid. And then I just keep going. I half push, half lift him over the railing, then jump over too.
I hit the water feet first. I see the kid flailing a little farther downstream. He obviously doesn't know how to swim. I swim over to him and grab his shoulder, lifting him up so he can breath. He kicks me in the ribs and tries to get away. I pull him closer.
"If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead by now," I whisper in his ear. He stops trying to get away.
"We have to make Them think we're dead," I say. I pulled this trick a few times before. They didn't find me for a month, the first time. But They always find you again.
Supporting the kid, I keep in the shadow of the bridge. They'll be watching to see if we float out from under the bridge. I swim to the nearest shore, and we hang out in the space between where the bridge meets the land and the land meets the river.
He coughs a lot for awhile and spits up some water. He doesn't look too much like me. He has light blue eyes. Mine are hazel. He has hair that's not only the color of straw, but as straight as it too. My hair's dark. He has freckles. I don't. He's pale, I'm tan. But that might just be from the cold water.
When he's done coughing and spitting up water, I say, "Aren't you a little young to be on the run?" I know I was hunted when I was his age, but I don't like thinking of other people growing up the way I did. He glares at me.
"I'm almost eleven," he says, "Aren't you a little old?"
"I'm fifteen," I say. He's older than he looks, "What's your name?"
"Charlie,"he says, "Why did you save me?"
"Because They're chasing me too," I say.
"Do you know why?"
"No."
"Me neither." He shivers.
"Come on," I say, "Let's go find some dry clothes."

This story is really interesting! I can't wait to find out what happens next! There were some sentences with words that needed to capitalized. It's still really good and I can't wait to read more.

Spidey here.

I'm not the grammar police, so i'll leave that to the others.

Since I was eight, I've been hunted. I don't know why, or who, or how. But in those seven years, I've learned how to flee. And I've learned that no matter how well you hide, no matter how low your profile is, no matter how completely you dissapear, sooner or later They'll find you. And it'll probably be sooner.

I don't like the last sentence. It was unneeded and repititive.

It's a miracle that I've made it to my fifteenth birthday. I've faced near-death about as many times as a normal fifteen-year-old has faced a pop quiz.

I like the last sentence. It shows character and adds a little bit of humor to the story.

I hear a scream. I whip around. I see a kid who looks around eight running like all heck's broken lose. I see the familiar figures running behind him in clothes a little generic. I've never seen Them chasing anyone else before. It's surreal, like I'm having an out of body experience or de ja vu. They're a lot further down than me. They're running toward me, but I'm safe because They're on the other side of traffic. They're gaining. There's no way he's going to make it.

You need to use more description than just generic. How do they look? What makes them look generic?

Through out the story you described the people chasing them as they. Don't the chasers have a name or a nick name he made up for them.

Overall, I like the ideas and it is very well executed. I want to read more so please pm me when you have more.

Awesome writing tally!I love the idea!

Since I was eight, I've been hunted. I don't know why, or who, or how. But in those seven years, I've learned how to flee. And I've learned that no matter how well you hide, no matter how low your profile is, no matter how completely you dissapear,

When you said "dissapear" I think you meant "disappear."

sooner or later They'll find you.

If you want to make it sound more ominous, maybe change "They'll find you" to "They will find you." Maybe it's just me.

It's a miracle that I've made it to my fifteenth birthday. I've faced near-death about as many times as a normal fifteen-year-old has faced a pop quiz.

I like this line. It adds humor to the story, so it's not a monotonous, boring, dramatic story.

Right now, I'm on a random bridge in, I think, Washington.

Instead of "random bridge in, I think, Washington" you could say "random bridge in... Washington, I think."

There are lots of people. None of them look at me. They all think I'm homeless or a criminal. They're right. In my time on the run I've broken into a few houses, stolen a few cars, shoplifted a few stores. Anything it takes to stay alive. I'm wanted in most states. I don't even change my name anymore. I realized awhile ago that the name Will Hansen was common enough to get the job done. My real name's Bill Irestone.

I'm glad you added a paragraph break here. It looks good, it's easier to read, and it seperates two completely different subjects.

It's been about a week since I last ran into my "friends," near L.A. It's probably about time for Them to show up again. It's always about time for Them to show up. I'd say I'm pretty good at picking Them out in a crowd. Dressed a little too generic. Acting a little too nonchalant or, if They've spotted me, a little too purposeful. Eyes a little too searching. I remember when I used to hide from every person I saw. Ironically, that just made me stand out even more. I have a better chance in big cities. It's easier to get lost.

Again, good place for a paragraph break.

I stare over the bridge's guard rails, at the water below. I've always loved the water. Back when I was eight, I was a swimming prodigy. I loved the chill when you first jump into the water. I loved feeling like I was flying,

Change "loved" to "love," the present-tense form, if you were trying to say what he loves about water.

with all my limbs trying to get me forward as fast as possible. I came here to have a little fun. They know I like water. So I usually try to stay away from it. But today is a special day. They probably don't remember or care, but it's our anniversery.

I know, another spelling error, boring. "Anniversery" should be "anniversary."

It's been exactly seven years today since They ruined my life. This is a cause for celebration.
This jump's going to say 'Ha! You ruined my life, but guess what? I'm still alive!' except with a lot of swear words. Which is pretty much what my birthday jump said too. Except towards my parents, who I've never met them.

Instead of "who I've never met them" you could say "who I never met," or "who I never knew."

I'm glad it's not raining today. That's gonna make the jump five times better. No one ever catches me jumping. Once I'm in the air, it's cake.
I breathe in the air. it's not too windy, for Washington. I can smell the sea. I grab th

I assume "th" is supposed to be "the."

guard rail. I can feel my heart pounding faster in anticipation. I put a foot on one of the lower rails.
I hear a scream. I whip around. I see a kid who looks around eight running like all heck's broken lose. I see the familiar figures running after him in solid colored t-shirts and jeans.. I've never seen Them chasing anyone else before. It's surreal, like I'm having an out of body experience or de ja vu. They're a lot further down than me. They're running toward me, but I'm safe because They're on the other side of traffic. They're gaining. There's no way he's going to make it.
I don't know what comes over me. I don't remember making any consious

"Conscious" instead of "consious"

decision to, but I run across the bridge, narrowly avoiding getting ran over. I keep running at top speed until I reach the kid. And then I just keep going. I half push, half lift him over the railing, then follow myself.
I hit the water feet first. I see the kid flailing a little farther downstream. He obviously doesn't know how to swim. I swim over to him and grab his shoulder, lifting him up so he can breath. He kicks me in the ribs and tries to get away. I pull him closer.
"If I wanted you dead, I'd just let you drown," I whisper in his ear. He stops trying to get away.
"We have to make Them think that we're dead," I say. I pulled this trick a few times before. They didn't find me for a month, the first time. But They always find you again.
Supporting the kid, I keep in the shadow of the bridge. They'll be watching to see if we float out from under the bridge. I swim to the nearest shore, and we hang out in the space between where the bridge meets the land and the land meets the river.
He coughs a lot for awhile and spits up some water. He doesn't look too much like me. He has light blue eyes. I have hazel. He has orange hair, mine's dark. He has freckles. I don't. He's pale, I'm tan.
When he's done coughing and spitting up water, I say, "Aren't you a little young to be on the run?" I know I was around his age when I started being hunted, but I don't like to think about other people growing up the way I did. He glares at me.
"I'm almost eleven," he says, "Aren't you a little old?"
"I'm fifteen," I say. He's older than he looks, "What's your name?"
"Charlie,"he says, "Why did you save me?"
"Because they're chasing me too," I say.
"Do you know why?"
"No."
"Me neither." He shivers.
"Come on," I say, "Let's go find some dry clothes."

Heya, tgirly! Sorry it's taken me a while to get here. I've been annoyingly busy lately, but I finally have some free time to do this review.

As you requested, I'll start off with any nit-picks that I have!

Since I was eight, I've been hunted. I don't know why, or who, or how, but in those seven years, I've learned how to run.

Starting sentences with conjunctions (but, and, or e.t.c.) is best to be avoided. It's okay if they're used to create some sort of emphasis or something, but in general, it's best to avoid using them to start a sentence.

Right now, I'm on a random bridge in, I think, Washington, I think.

The way you had this originally was a bit awkwardly phrased. It sounded more like something a person would say than something that should be written down.

People riding bikes and walking pass by.

This sentence doesn't really make sense. I'd suggest for you to replace it with something like this: There are people riding bikes and walking by.

I stare over the bridge's guard rails, and at the water below.

It's not too windy, not for Washington.

A scream pierces the air. I whip around, adrenaline starting to pump through my veins .

There's an unnecessary space before you period there.

I see the familiar figures running after him in solid colored t-shirts and jeans..

You only need one period.

I half push, half lift him over the railing, then follow get over it myself.

The problem with this was that the way it was phrased made me think that Bill/William was following himself, which isn't technically possible. xD

I swim over to him and grab his shoulder, lifting him up so he can breathe.

When he's done coughing and spitting up water, I say, "aren't you a little young to be on the run?"

"I'm almost eleven," he says. "Aren't you a little old?"

"I'm fifteen," I say. He's older than he looks. "What's your name?"

"Charlie,"he says. "Why did you save me?"

You need a space between the quotation marks and the word he in the last sentence.

"Come on," I say, "let's go find some dry clothes."

I have to admit that I didn't think I would, but I actually really like this. I love the idea, and I love the name Charlie, so that gets you on my good side, haha. I think you have an awesome idea here, and the mystery you've created is effective. I like the fact that we don't know much about Them. We know what they look like and such, but we're just as clueless about why they're chasing Bill as he is, and I like that. I also liked the opening paragraph of this. It was dramatic, but not too dramatic, and it made me wonder who They were and what Bill's situation is.

I don't know why exactly, but I tend to struggle to review pieces like this. I think it's because this is the kind of story I love to read, so find it difficult to fault something I enjoy. Nonetheless, I'll see if I can find anything that I think needs improving. I'll start off with something I noticed when I was nit-picking.

There wasn't a great deal of dialogue in this, but I noticed that when there was dialogue, your punctuation was a bit off. I've seen far worse, trust me, but I thought I should bring it up considering it was something I noticed. You just seemed to be making mistakes like unnecessary capitalisation and comma usage. I'm terrible at explaining things, so take a look at this article by Demeter that helps out with dialogue punctuation.

Something I noticed a bit of was a lot of telling, but not showing. It wouldn't have been such a huge issue, but it felt a bit like some of what you said was sort of like being fed to us in a clump of information. For example, you told us about the whole genetic testing thing, you told us that Bill was being hunted, you told us about him being wanted e.t.c. I think you could have done all of that with a bit more subtlety. Instead of telling us that people think he's a criminal or homeless, for example, describe how he's getting shifty glances from the passers by. It wasn't a huge problem, to be honest, but make sure to keep an eye on that1

I don't remember my parents, but I know what they did. They gave me up for this weird genetic testing when I was about three. They said it was going to make me better, healthier, but I wasn't sick. And then afterwards, I was shipped off to some foster care family. Jokes on them, though, because the genetic testing was supposed to make me a freak and it didn't work. I'm completely normal.

I like the idea of the genetic testing, but I'm not overly keen on the way you executed it here. I thought it was a bit vague and actually contradictory about something, which is the very first sentence of this. How does Bill not remember his parents? Later on, you mention how Bill was around Charlie's age when the genetic testing started. Charlie's eleven, right? Surely, Bill would be able to remember his parents if he was that age when the testing began.

Then there's the vagueness. Why was he sent into foster care? Was the genetic testing something illegal? It's hardly a nice thing to do, but if the testing was legal, I don't' see why Bill would have been taken away from his parents. Another thing you were a little vague about was what the testing was actually for in the first place. I mean, how was it supposed to make him healthier and better? In what way? How was it supposed to make him a freak?

Negatives aside, I did honestly really like this. I probably sounded really harsh above, but honestly, I love the whole idea of this. I think that it could end up being something very interesting. I'd certainly like to read on. I'm not sure if I'll be able to due to me constantly being busy lately, but I'd definitely like to.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins