Young Writers Society

Chapter 1: First come, first serve

First come, first serve. That’s one of life’s many laws. Almost everyone lives by it. The homeless, the rich, the young, the old. Now, I seem to be the only living person around here on Earth. I was a pod child. Made artificially to be weapon. They saw I couldn’t survive in space. So, they sent me to Earth. I’m the thirteenth pod child to be launched to Earth. I hope I could find the others.
Forty steps. That’s all it took. All it took to find another person. I ready myself in case he or she was hostile. I maybe thirteen years old, but I’m doubly well armed than most. The girl stepped out from behind a rock.
“Who are you?” she asked. I put my hands up in the air, seeing she had a blaster.
“I’m Ethan Wilson,” I answer. She looks into my eyes, probably searching for any sign off lying, deception.
“I’m a pod child,” I continue. She puts down her blaster and walks toward me cautiously.
“I’m Dana. Dana Watson,” she answers.
“Pod child?”
“Yes.”
“What’d they do to you?” I ask her.
“I’m supposed to be the ship’s main defense system. I ran away. Tired of being used,” she looks down sadly. My stomach grumbled. I open my backpack to search for food. There was nothing except my upgrade components.
“What’re those?” Dana asked me, looking over my shoulder and pointing at the components.
“Upgrade Components. UCs. They’re used to upgrade my arms,” I take off my shirt, revealing my metal arms.
“Okay, weird…”
“I know. I was made without arms.”
“Okay. Now that’s weird and jacked up,” Dana said to me. My stomach grumbles again. “You’re hungry, aincha?”
“Yes. The dorks back at the spaceship apparently didn’t send food with me.”
“Follow me,” Dana gestured with her hand. I follow her. She steps behind a rock. I walk to her. She knocked on the rock. After a few seconds, a boy a few feet taller than us lifted the rock.
“Hey, Don,” Dana says, walking into the hole on the ground obscured by the rock earlier.
“Hey. Jim wants you. Says it’s important,” the boy named Don says in a deep voice. He points at me. “Who are you?”
“I’m Ethan Wilson. Pod child 13,” I explain. Dana tugs on my shirt sleeve and I follow her. We enter a dark room.
“WHO DARE DISTURB ME IN MY YOGA SESSION?!” a booming voice exclaims.
“Uh, it’s me, Dana,” Dana answers.
“Oh. Cool,” a boy steps from the shadows. Dana steps up to him and whispers something. The boy walks up to me.
“Jim Malone, at your service, et cetera, blah-blah,” the boy introduces himself, “and who are you?”
“I’m Ethan Wilson,” I hold out my right hand. Jim shakes it.
“So, Pod Child?” he asks me.
“Yes.”
“How old?”
“13 years.”
“I’m 17. Dana’s 13, too. And Don’s 14,” he says. Then he pauses for a second. He then looks into my eyes with a no-nonsense look. “Your mind, I-I can’t read it. It’s like a blank slate.”
“What? What does that mean?” I ask him, worried. Dana grabs my arm and looks into my eyes.
“It’s either you’re a robot or your mind’s so messed up and full of thoughts it looks blank. I doubt the latter,” Dana growls the last part. I gulp. I was pretty sure I’m not a robot.


Chapter 2: It just goes on and on and on and oooon…

“Ethan, we can’t take the chance of you being a spy,” Jim sighs at me. I nod, although, I wasn’t paying attention. I kept looking at the wall behind him.
"How can you prove you're human?" Jim continues, pacing back and forth. I nod again.
"I bet we can cut him open and see gears and circuits," a raspy voice whispers from the shadows. I blink in surprise. A boy walks out of the shadows. His white hair and white eyes look at me. He chuckles as he flicks his wrist. His hands turn bright red. Jim holds up his hand.
"Rentso, no," Jim orders. The boy sits down on the floor, growling and glaring at me. "Ethan, one more chance. Tell us who you really are and I won't have Rentso ripping your body apart."
"I am Ethan Wilson!"
"Rentso, y'know what to do."
"NO!" Dana exclaims," I thought we only blackmail them until they say the truth."
"Yes," Jim calmly replies, "But, iron-arms here can't be let out. He might be able to contact them."
I whimper. Rentso walks up to me. Jim leads Dana out of the room. Rentso touches my chest. I feel... nothing. I sigh in relief. Rentso's eyes widen he squints in concentration. I look at his hand. It brightens, now hot pink. Jim walks back into the room. His eyes widen in horror.
"Jim, can I st-stop n-now?" Rentso whimpers. Tears start to flow down his cheeks.
"Yes, stop now," Jim answers calmly. Rentso takes his hand away. He runs back to the shadows, muttering constantly.
"Hot, so hot..."
Jim grabs my collar. I look at him.
"WHO ARE YOU!?" he spits on my face. I look at him.
"I'm hungry," I say to him. He growls and runs out the opened door. I wish I could reach the door. Wish I could run out. But, that won't exactly make a good impression. The boy me and Dana walked into earlier walks into the room.
"Donovan, kill him," Jim snarls. I whimper. Again. Don walks up to me and grabs my head. He pulls. I expected it to come right off. Instead, Donovan grunts in effort. Jim's eyes widen. Again.
"Jim, it's impossible," Don grunts.
"Jim, I am human. I'm Ethan Wilson, Pod Child 13 and I want a place to stay in," I calmly say, "and I'm hungry."
Don lets go. Jim punches my jaw.
"You're hungry? How 'bout a knuckle sandwich?"
"Seriously, that's your best bad guy line?"
"SHUT UP!"
"'kay."
"You will stay here until you tell us who you are."
"Can I have food?"
"NO!"
Jim slams the door behind him. I hear a clicking sound. Locked in. I'm screwed. I don’t even have a granola bar. Heck, I’d even settle for spinach.

Chapter 3: Gaining Trust

I’m stuck here. Sitting on a chair. Jim comes in every hour and tries to beat it out of me. Too bad I can’t get hurt. How did I even get into this situation?
I was born in a birth pod. Number 13. I was in that pod for 2 days. When I walked out, I knew everything I needed to learn. How to talk, walk, fight, survive. I struggle against breathing in space, though. I can’t talk without stopping, in the middle of a discussion, to breath. So, they kept me in an escape pod. I could breath properly but I had nobody to talk to. I listened to conversations. They kept talking about me as Project Counter. Something about opposites. I don’t pay attention.
Then, one day, they eject the escape pod. Every few months, the pod would make a stop on a planet to add to its supplies, which I kept using up at a rapid rate. It was tough. The pod broke at Jupiter, only one more planet before Earth. I managed to fix it. I was 11 that time. I landed in Mars and rendezvoused with some agents there. They gave me supplies and then I was gone.
Anyway, here I am, back in Earth. The insane asylum of the universe. I contemplate plans to gain Jim’s trust. Maybe offer to do his homework? Nah, they don’t even have school here. Voices behind the door interrupted me. Two girls. One was obviously Dana. The door opens.
“Hey, Ethan,” Dana says. Right then and there, I wished I could get hurt. ‘Cuz then, Dana can take care of me. Like in movies.
“Hi, who’s the other hottie?” I ask her, pointing at the blonde with her.
“This is my sister, Emma,” she answers, amusement in her eyes.
“Hey,” the blonde waves at me. I wave back. Dana closes the door.
“So, Ethan. Are you sure you’re telling the truth?” Dana asks.
“Yes.”
“Emma, do it.”
“Whoa! Hold up! I’m 13! You can’t do that to me yet!” I exclaim, holding my hands up.
“No, we’re not gonna do that to you, dummy. Emma’s gonna track your history by getting a blood sample,” Dana giggles, holding up a knife.
“It’s gonna break,” I sigh. Dana shakes her head.
“My dad made this knife. He said it could break through anything,” Dana says wistfully, probably remembering her dad. She nicks my finger. A red drop of blood drips out. Emma catches it and licks her hand.
“What the heck? You drank my blood! You can’t drink my blood. What are you? Some vampire wanna-be? Go Team Edward?” I exclaim in fear, remembering the popular book series back at the ship.
“Nngh. Wow. You’ve got, uh, disturbing thoughts,” Emma grunts, pressing on her forehead. I look at her, worried.
“What do you see?” I ask, anticipating. Her eyes snap wide open, reminding me of a horror movie.
“Dana,” Emma looks at Dana, worried.
“What, sis?”
“Nngh. Can’t take it. Too disturbing.”
Then Emma vomited blood on the floor. I screamed like a girl. I hid behind the chair. Jim walks in.
“What happened?” he exclaims.
“Emma tried to find out if Ethan was telling the truth!” Dana exclaims, fear and concern in her eyes. Jim punches me on the face. I don’t even feel it.
“Who are you?” he seethes, anger in his eyes.
“H-he’s Ethan Wilson. Pod Ch-child 13. Al-also kn-known as P-Project C-Counter. He’s supposed to b-be a c-counter to our powers,” Emma gasps out, “That’s w-why he can’t get hurt by any of our powers. B-but he can get hurt with a s-something nonliving, like a knife. T-that’s why you can’t read his mind, Jim.”
I was shocked by the news. I was an enemy to these guys. Which meant only one thing.
“I have to go,” I say, my voice cracking with emotion. Here I was, two hot girls and a paranoid yoga guy in front of me.
“Why? You’re welcome here. You’re a pod child. You can stay with us,” Jim smiles at me. I shake my head.
“I’m a danger. To all of you.”
“But, Ethan. Where will you go?” That was Dana.
“I dunno. I’ll take the midnight train that’s going anywhere.”
“What?”
“You know, the one with the singer in the smoky room?”
Jim laughs at the joke I made. I smile sadly as I grab my backpack. I run down the hall to the exit. Don wasn’t guarding it. I jump up, tearing the rock and metal above me. I realized something as I ran away. It all boiled down to one thing. I liked being dramatic. And I was still hungry. Crud.

Hello!

This was interesting, it definitely has some potential. What you really need to work on though is the amount of dialogue you have. There is just way too much conversation, it doesn't give the main character any time to explain anything, nor does it allow the reader to process the story or get to know the characters. You need to break things down a bit more. It seems as though you try to explain things through conversation when really it would be better if you explained it through the main character's thoughts. Unless the main character really doesn't think that much (like Dana says) which I highly doubt that was what you were going for. You need to pace things out a whole lot more, describe the setting, rather than constantly shoving conversation down the readers' throats.

You have a good start, but just work on description and minimalizing conversation.

PM me with any questions!
-Once

Hello, CrtlAltDelete! So far "A New Breed of Hero" is an interesting story and has potential, just as Onceuponatim3xo said.

Now, I seem to be the only living person around here on Earth. I was a pod child. Made artificially to be weapon. They saw I couldn’t survive in space. So, they sent me to Earth. I’m the thirteenth pod child to be launched to Earth. I hope I could find the others.

When I read that part, it made me instantly think of the new YA book and movie "I Am Number Four". It's about nine aliens who were sent to earth because their planet was destroyed and they have special powers because they were suppose to grow up to protect their planet. I don't know if you have heard of the story, but if you had I think you should change your story a bit. Because it sounds like your sort of re-writing that whole story and that may cause some problems if you ever finish this story and intend to publish it.

In the beginning of this chapter it felt to me like you kind of dumped all the information about Ethan Wilson and his orgins right away. I would like to read more about his journey to Earth and what he did before finding Dana and Jim.

Anyway, I like your main character, Ethan, so far. I can't wait to read more about him.
I also really like your writing style and I hope you share more of your writings soon.

I hope I was *at least* a little help to you. This review is purely my opinion and you don't have to take it seriously if you don't want to.

~DeadEnds

Thanks for the reviews, everybody!

"Jim slams the door behind him. I hear a clicking sound. Locked in. I'm screwed. I don’t even have a granola bar. Heck, I’d even settle for spinach."

That Made Me Laugh, I Love Stories With Action And Humor. But You Could Improve On Explaining The Story A Bit More. Overall You Did A Good Job!

Hello!

I'll start out with the nitpicks!

Made artificially to be a weapon.

"I MAY BE thirteen..."

I maybe thirteen years old...

Awkward repetition here with 'I look at him':

Jim grabs my collar. I look at him.
"WHO ARE YOU!?" he spits on my face. I look at him.

Grammar is wrong here and you're missing a comma. It should be: "The boy, Dana and I...", I think.

The boy me and Dana...

Now, onto the review. Honestly, I liked the idea, but I didn't like the way it was written. Everything seemed too rushed for me. You need to slow the pace down with some description of the characters and setting. Where are the characters? What do they look like? The story seemed a bit flat, largely because of the extended conversations.

Also, the tense was a major problem throughout the story. It kept switching and switching to the point I wasn't sure which tense you intended to write in.

In addition, it's essential you use a wide variety of sentence structures, because here, you only seem to use simple sentences the majority of the time. Yes, simple sentences are effective, but don't over-use them, otherwise it becomes monotonous and frustrating as it's way too fast-paced. Almost more than half of your sentences start with "I", "He", "She" or the character's names. Try starting sentences in different ways to liven your writing and to avoid it becoming tedious. As well as all that, you need to show more and not tell as I thought that was what you were doing most of the time.

The beginning sort of dragged me along as I didn't understand much about the story. Who created these pod children? Aliens? Humans? Why are they weapons? What is their purpose? It was very confusing. Also, as much as I like the premise, it's too similar to the film: "I Am Number Four". Perhaps you could try changing the story around a bit to make it become more original.

Overall, you need to improve on your writing style. I think your story has potential. It reminds me of the book 'Unwind' by Neal Shusterman and I greatly enjoyed that book and I think you would too, so try reading that! I'm sorry for being quite harsh, but all this is necessary for you to become a great writer! Keep writing and post me when you've written more and I shall be there to review!

Good luck!
Thien

Thanks for the reviews, everybody! And yes, a recap chapter is coming. I'll try to improve the story, grammar and all.