Young Writers Society

Chapter 1 Portal to a second world

Tom wasn't totally sure where he was just where ever it was something kept going THUMP..THUMP..THUMP.....and so on. He kept his eyes closed trying to go back to sleep he kept thinking "Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep". After about a minute of this he opened his eyes and saw that he was leaning on someone he lifted his head away from the person and saw he had fallen asleep aboard the school bus on his way to school. He looked back at the person he was leaning on it was a girl of 16 she had dark brown hair. His sheepish brain soon found a match for the face that was giving him that smile that said "Awkward but funny". His girlfriend Amanda Famberd. "How uh long have I had my head to your chest" Tom asked pausing briefly and pointing at her chest. "Oh about 3 minutes which is about the time you said you were going to rest your eyes" Amanda responded. Now they were not on the bus to go to school for learning no that passed about 3 hours before this they were on their way to the 14th annual new years dance at Danesvile High school. each teen on the bus had a date, a rain coat (For the hard rain just outside of the bus), and a bag of sort for carrying there tuxedos and dresses. "Sorry In GYM today I got in trouble for chewing gum and coach made me run 5 miles I am really tired now" Tom said. After a minute or two of awkward silence on the bus it pulled up at Danesvil high and parked closest to the front doors which had a small roof over them. Tom and Amanda walked off the bus first Tom was first out umbrella also out because they were still meters away from the covered area. Amanda was just behind him holding his hand and walking next to him. They walked through the doors and towards the "changing area" or in other words the stalls of the bathrooms. Tom walked into the boys and found a stall with an opened door it was empty he walked in and began changing into his nicer Tuxedo. Meanwhile in the girls bathroom Amanda was changing into a dark red (Toms favorite color)dress she already had lipstick on. Tom finished making sure his hair was alright and took his bag to his locker where he was supposed to stick it. after putting his combination and sticking his things in with his school thing he walked back to the bathrooms to wait for Amanda when he turned a corner hr bumped into his best friend Rodney Lodovico and his date Tonya Robert. "(Yelp) watch where your going you freak" Tonya said. "Its good to see you too Tonya" Tom said helping them up.
Meanwhile in the girls bathroom Amanda had finished dressing herself up and was now looking at some of the pictures on her camera. One she looked at was a picture Rodney had taken two years ago when they won a karaoke contest by singing their favorite song Nothing else matters by Metallica. Rodney had taken it just as they were finishing the last verse. Another one she looked at was their first date the very first picture Rodney ever took of them sharing milkshakes at burger king. Amanda grinned and thought to herself "I was so nervous that day". That day was 6 years ago 2 years after they met and became friends. Amanda put her camera away. "Good memory's " she thought. Outside Tom was looking through his photos he looked at a 3 year old photo from a trip through one of the tunnel of love things at a carnival. An hour or so later they were on a Meris wheel. Tom put his camera in his pocket as Amanda came out. She had kept her dress in her slightly over sized purse so she just continued down the hall with Tom into the Gym. Inside it was decorated with balloons saying things like 2011! or Happy year 2011. There was a lot of balloons and lights and other basic decor. Tom walked over to the guy controlling the music just 20 feet from the table where the punch was. He was a fellow students his job was to put in some track with appropriate music nothing like rap,death metal, etc. Tom showed the guy a little sticky note from the band teacher who was in charge of what music was available to be played. The note said that he had approved the music on the CD Tom had with him. Tom pulled out out of his pocket and handed the CD to the guy "any specific track?" the guy asked. "yeah track one" Tom answered walking back to Amanda just as the music began playing. Amanda's eyes began to show how surprised she was. Her favorite song was the first song of the night. She completely showed her surprise by ambushing Tom with kiss and saying "I cant believe it you got the Track guy to put on our song".
While they were having the time of their young lives a threat loomed out side. Inside the music stopped a minuted early as a door used for getting out to the tennis courts was thrown at the bleachers. A man in a black hoodie walked in. A male teacher tried stopping the man from coming in but was thrown 30 feet into a speaker. "Amanda take cover" Tom said. He watched the guy walk around scanning the crowd for someone he finally found Tom "YOU!" he loudly spoke then he walked up and grabbed Tom by the throat then picked him up one handed "STAY AWAY FROM THE GIRL IN RED SHE SHALL GET YOU KILLED!" he spoke throwing Tom to the ground. Tom looked up and saw the punch bowl on its table. he grabbed it and walked carefully behind the man who was now scanning the crowd for another person. Tom brought the bowl up not spilling a drop and brung it down of the mans head with all his might. The glass bowl broke and the man didn't even move. "YOU PATHETIC LITTLE ROACH!" he screamed turning and punching Tom square in the chest .Tom flew back 30 or so feet hit the area next to the bleacher he saw Amanda in total shock as she watch him get back up. He coughed blood on to the ground. He then said to the man "coward......one throw and a strong punch that's it?" He then coughed more blood. The man looked at him in complete confusion. Tom began to smile. "Yeah your wondering whats wrong with this guy well right now you ruined a perfect night by interrupting a dance to my favorite song"now Tom was walking closer to the man "You gave a man a concussion" now Tom was right in front of him "And then you go picking a fight with me well come on then lets fight" Tom said punching the man as hard as he could making the mans face turn left as his right hand drew blood from the mans nose. The man felt the area on his face where the blood was going down with his finger he looked at his finger ans saw blood "it is a fight you have then". The man took off his hoodie revealing he was no older than Tom but his eyes turned a dark black as he drew two sword and stabbed one into the floor. "Grab your weapon boy" he said in a deep deep voice. Tom pulled the sword out of the floor and sliced at the man. The man blocked his slice and then sliced at Toms face. Tom dodged but found a cut on his right shoulder. Tom made a fatal mistake of trying to slice from above his head. The blocked and kept his sword up blocking it. The man then revealed a smaller dagger and stabbed it into tom chest and then pulled it out. He kicked Tom in the chest knocking him over. The man grabbed his other sword in mid air as it fell out of Toms hand. Tom got up on his hands and knees he watched the blood ooze out of the wound and drip to the floor. He grinned. He laughed. "Whats so funny?" the man with black eyes asked. "I just had a little vision I believe it was just my brain trying to ignore this horrific pain in my chest."Tom got up a smile on his face "In the vision a voice told me I was the son of some ancient war god called Locadus" He continued smiling " and thaqt I was not the son of Milly and David Daniels and that I was the son of a women god of the sky called Ciagis and Locadus the war god I mentioned earlier". "That is true non mortal" The man said standing still his back to Tom. "The voice then told me my girl friend was from a god of love call Juda and and a god of water called Belyowa" Tom finished. "That is also true" the man said. Toms smile turned to a shocked frown. At that moment a red cylinder of light shown around him it grew bright for a moment it remained bright and then died out. Tom looked at the shocked faces of other students and teachers. He was handed a girls mirror and he looked at himself his hair was the same and so was his face but he was no longer wearing his tux he was wearing a beige shirt and a pair of camo paints on his back he had a sort of pack with a small string hanging. He looked at his waist and found a dagger holstered. on his wrists he had metal devices he moved his hands backwards towards his forearm and noticed blades come out of the metal wrist items he kept his hands like that he found it easy to keep his hands like that as if he had done it a million times. He saw the blood and wound hand gone away. 'You realized that you were the son of gods and now it has changed your clothing to fully convince you " The man said. A pink light then came from the bleachers and then it faded. Amanda stepped out the side dressed in a blue dress her face adorned beatifically with makeup her hair longer than it had been now hanging down to her back. Tom walked over to her and handed her the mirror "you look very very beautiful but right now I have to go take care of this guy just check yourself out in the mirror I'll be careful while dealing with him" Tom whispered into her ear. He then ran at the man with black eyes. The man ran out the door frame he had come threw. He ran much faster than Tom. Tom moved his arm back til he felt the string on his pack. He grabbed it jumped in mid run he flew at least 30 feet up he pulled the string and noticed wings pop out of the pack it looked like a flying device Leonardo da Vinchi had created but never tested. As Tom flew he some how controlled how fast he went which direction and how high he was flying. His hands where free. He felt the left side of his waist and found a weapon and a small leather bag both attached to his belt he pulled the weapon and noticed it was as small as a squirrel and looked like and old old timey one shot pistol just the wood looked nice and the metal areas were gold. He aimed it at the man and pulled the trigger a small but noticeable BOOM! The man fell down and blood oozed out on the school parking lot from the mans head. Tom lowered and landed behind the man. The man was face down. Tom flipped him over and saw the blood oozeing from both the back of his head and the area between his eyes. Tom took out his dagger after putting away what he now called "The Mocking Bird". He slit the mans throat and picked up the body he held in front of him and let the blood ooze where ever. He carried the body back to the school. He walked through the door frame after pulling the string on his pack again making the wings fold back in to a pack. He saw the students just sitting on the bleacher he also saw a police officer questioning Amanda in the area where Tom had handed her the mirror. "You freeze drop the body" the officer said. Tom did as he was told. The officer then said "you two are in a lot of trouble but if this guy was alive he'd be in more" he said pointing at Tom then Amanda and then checking the mans pulse. "Dead" the office said. More officer came and took the body then the first one took Amanda and Tom in the same squad car. They rode in the back. not cuffed. At first they hugged. "Its good to see your alright" Amanda whispered "I thought you were going to die from that wound I cant believe we are children of gods. I am the goddess daughter of a love goddess and an ocean god from some lost civilization and your the god son of a war god and a sky goddess from the same civilization". "I know how you feel" Tom said "the god of love side must be why the first time I saw you I fell in love at first I thought it was a crush you know like the ones all kids have" Amanda squeezed him tighter "now six year later we find out we are gods and who ever that guy was he must have friends with answers after we get out of this I am going hunting for answers now lets get this over with." Tom looked and saw the driver couldn't hear them because of a sound proof glass. But There was a child lock on the doors. They soon arrived at a police station. Later after interrogation Amanda's technical been alerted even though they were miles away in China on a honeymoon. She with Tom and his parents she stayed in a guest room that was connected to Toms room thanks to a bathroom. Later that night around 8ish at night. It was pitch black in Room except for his 50 inch TV flashing while he and Amanda did one of their favorite things. They played the latest Halo.You know just something to relax them after the previous nights events. "oh man I am so dead" Tom said as virtual him ducked health bar blinking red. "No your not come on this just the first level on Heroic come on I have a shotgun I'll cover you go get those grenades already" Amanda said her virtual self taking out aliens on planet Reach. Minutes later some how led to them making out on Toms couch. Toms room consisted of 5 basic items The entertainment center, his bed, his couch,his dresser,and his closet. Tom and Amanda were alone in Tom's house. They heard multiple car engines outside. They looked out Toms bedroom window and saw multiple black vans and men emptying out of the back of each. Some of them carried sub machine guns some carried swords. One big big man hopped out last out of one of the vans. He carried 2 swords he wore a large black trench coat a black shirt underneath the coat and black pants. "Amanda hide" Tom said. The red light from the dance circled around him again he was in his full battle gear this time. Golden light metal armor. That's whats he wore this time. He drew a sword. He waited in the living room just standing between the family TV and the couch. Something flew threw the window . A Molotov. The little fire bomb exploded into a flame . He tan back to his room "Amanda get out of the house its on fire!" he yelled to her in his closet. A dark blue light came from the closet and then Amanda stepped out in light blue armor carrying a sword of her own just its trim wasn't gold like Tom's it was blue. "On 3....1....2....3" Tom said at three they jumped through the window catching the men in black off guard the one with sub machine guns fired. Tom grabbed Amanda opened his wings and jumped high they soared over head. Tom thought of Amanda having her own pack with the same control he had and as soon as that thought crossed his mind she wasn't in his hands anymore she her self was 2 wings length next to him with her own pack."Now" Tom thought"how about some sub machine guns with unlimited clips". A second or so later 2 appeared to be floating in front of their faces waiting to be grabbed. "I'll explain later" Tom told Amanda . They both grabbed their guns and aimed down at the crowd that was trying to shoot them down. Tom pulled low and began unleashing everything he had. He saw the man in the trench coat he held a revolver he pointed it and fired. The bullet flew through the air. It unlike the others made a direct hit on Tom. Tom fell out of the sky as the bullet killed him going through his forehead. He hit the gravel street and broke his wings they broke off after he began rolling towards the man in the trench coat. He stopped at the mans feet. "Goodbye little god" The man said in a deep voice. Then he felt the full force of Amanda crashing purposely into him her sword going deep into his chest. Amanda pulled the sword out and grabbed Tom. Amanda saw a crowd of men with guns running towards them. At that very moment every fire hydrant ever sink every pipe just erupted as the water came rushing the water picked up all the men and then formed in a giant bubble keeping them trapped in with no oxygen . Amanda left the bubble there and carried Tom away. She cried. One tear however ran down her cheek it then dripped on to Tom's forehead the wound began to heal at a funanamal rate. Soon it was gone. And Tom began to breath again. "Amanda...." he said weakly. She looked down at him. Shocked she then set him down. She looked around the neighborhood most of the people were watching Tom and her through windows. Amanda heard sirens. A little gray canister can came rolling out of the bush. It exploded into a mountain of gas. Amanda didn't even have time to react before she blacked out.
She awoke to the sound of a helicopter. Well somewhat awoke her vision was blurry. "Sir the girl is awake" a person that sounded like a girl to Amanda's ears said. "Knock her out again". A shape began to move out of a seat in the rather narrow interior of the large 2 large rotored helicopter. The shape came within 4 feet of Amanda and she could tell it had long hair like her but it was much taller than she was. It began to reach out with a needle in hand. Before it injected the liquid in the needle in to Amanda. Another shape pounced on it this one Amanda's size short hair and the same color clothing Tom had had on when Amanda blacked out. The new shape got the needle and stabbed it into the larger shape in seconds the large shape became limp but still breathing. Two other shapes came to the back of the helicopter near the closed hatch. They had short hair and were at least a head taller the the original shape that was still limp 3 feet from Amanda. They were quiet. The one smaller shape didn't see them coming while it was trying to catch its breath. They grabbed it arms. The smaller shape used their hold to pull it self a few feet on the helicopter floor and then kicked its legs backwards hitting the two new shapes in their torsos sending each backward to the back of the pilot chair. One got up while the other stayed down catching its breath. The one that got up pulled a pistol shaped shape and fired a shot at the small shape looked down at its chest pulled out a dart shape threw over its shoulder and charged the standing shape. The tall sanding shape fired multiple shots and then the small shape went down a foot from the taller one. "Kids a tank" It said "Jek Tie cuff him while I knock out he other". Then sitting shape got up grabbed the smaller knocked out shape and dragged it back to Amanda. The tall one with the weapon walked up to Amanda with a needle in hand. It crouched and injected her in the neck with a liquid the same color as the first needle had had in it. Amanda blacked out again.
This this time she awoke and saw she was in a white painted room on a king sized bed with Tom next to her. She saw a dresser, an entertainment center,and a closet. In the entertainment center was a larger space with an X box 360, 2 wireless controllers on a charger that through lights shined red meaning the controller were charging, there was also 8 stakes of games going up the vertical length of the space which was at least 5 feet. To the left of that was 100 inch plasma screen TV. On the left side of the entire entertainment center was a cable box that read 8:30 AM. Amanda had been out for at least 12 or so hours. Amanda got up and knew she had been on a bed for 12 hours. She knew his because her legs felt like they couldn't support her 103 pound figure. Her knees at first bent then began to realize they had to work again. Amanda walked over to a door just left of the entertainment center and opened it. She looked down while turning the knob and saw a beige carpet under her feet. She noticed her sneakers were on the floor at the foot of the bed. She stopped opening the door and walked over to Tom. She shook him and snapped her fingers in front of his eyes. Finally he came to. "Where are we?" he asked. "I don't know but I need a weapon" Amanda said to him. "Okay then" Tom said. After a gun materialized in midair. "USP 45 pistol 15 round clip laser dot" Tom said plucking it out of the air and handing it to Amanda. "Thanks now stay here and wake up" she said walking toward the door gun in hand. Amanda heard footsteps. 1 person. She opened the door and heard a shatter followed by a "CRAP!". She then closed the door, gun raised. She saw a familiar shape. The woman from the helicopter. "Now what did you do that for?" the woman said looking at the carpet which now hot steaming soup and shattered bowls on it. "Put away the gun already"the woman said. At that moment Amanda heard athe door just behind her get kicked open. "GET DOWN"Amanda yelling grabbing the women and throwing her on to the non soup covered area of the white hallway then jumping down herself. A flame went out from behind them over their heads. "YOU CRAZY S.O.B.!" a man yelled from the end of the 15 foot hall. Amanda looked back at Tom who was holding a can of hair spray and his own lighter. He gave that embarrassed smile that said "whoops". "We are friendly here" one of the men from the helicopter said "I had to take you on and I swear you are a tank on the helicopter you acted like you've had your arms grabbed from behind millions of times" the man wore a beige t shirt and jeans along with sneakers. Amanda saw her hair was burning. She blew it out like a candal.
After the mess was cleaned up the man said his name was Jason and the woman's name was Tonya. The other mans name was Jay while the pilot of the helicopters name was Sparky. Tonya wore a jacket over a gray shirt. Sparky had greasy hair and a dirty pair of jeans and a just as dirty if not dirtier white t shirt. Jay wore a football jersey and blue and red shorts that matched the colors of his jersey. "Follow me you two" Jason said to Amanda and Tom leading them out the door of the nice house. "come on love birds this way, this way". Tom and Amanda were holding hands while they walked. "See this" Jason said he led hem out into a green field were he was now pointing at a hole at least 3 feet deep at the bottom was water looking goop that didn't move even a little. "its a one way door to out enemy and the old kingdom of Halica the only kingdom we know the underworld location, Watch this" he said walking over to a garage and opening a side door. The garage looked like any modern garage just painted a peach color. Jason came out holding a long rope rapped up. He walked to the edge of the hold and dropped a good portion of the rope in half fell down the hole and into the liquid making move a little. "Now Abra Cadabra!" Jason yelled pull the whole rope up but revealing the only the piece that wasn't in the liquid came up. "As I said its one way only there are supposedly 100 of these entrance holes and the same number for exits". The began to rumble and crack under their feet. "That's not....." Tom was about to finish with the word good but the ground gave wave under them them and the three of them fell into the liquid and were sent to the underworld kingdoms.A except Jason who had grabbed a rock. He pulled himself up and ran back to the safe house to tell the others what happened.

EDIT: You also spelt "civilization" wrong in your title. Depending on your country, "civilization" can be spelt like that, or civilisation.

- Jai

Hey Nate. I'll be your reviewer today. Besides mentioning that YWS is an exchange society, and if you'd like a review on your work, you should review too, I have to quickly tell you that you really need to have a look at some published work, or even look at the other posts here. Generally a story or a book has paragraphs. Whenever someone speaks, or a new idea is mentioned, you should start a new paragraph. I'll try and help you in that regard.

On to the review itself.

Tom wasn't totally sure where he was just where ever it was something kept going THUMP..THUMP..THUMP.....and so on.

This is an awful beginning. I think you should ask yourself if a beginning like this is necessary.

He kept his eyes closed trying to go back to sleep, he kept thinking, "Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep".

What in the world... You need to look up how to use commas, and I don't believe it's acceptable in any form of writing to stretch out a word that long.

After about a minute of this he opened his eyes and saw that he was leaning on someone he lifted his head away from the person and saw he had fallen asleep aboard the school bus on his way to school.

This is a run-on sentence. Try reading it without pausing to take a break. Commas allow for the reader to rest and mentally breathe. Even breaking the sentence into two or three shorter sentences would be beneficial.

He looked back at the person he was leaning on it was a girl of 16 she had dark brown hair.

Again, commas. And if you were on the bus, would you really forget who you were sitting next to? Or even fall asleep? Unless your characters are in the country, most bus rides take less than fifteen minutes. Also, always spell out your numerals when they are under one hundred.

His sheepish brain soon found a match for the face that was giving him that smile that said "Awkward but funny".

I don't think the highlighted part is appropriate, and "sheepish brain" doesn't really make sense.

His girlfriend Amanda Famberd.

This is a fragmented sentence. His girlfriend Amanda Famberd what and then what?

"How uh long have I had my head to your chest?" Tom asked pausing briefly and pointing at her chest.

Is Tom four years old? Who points to a woman's chest on a school bus? Also, look up dialogue tags and how to use commas or full stops in dialogue.

"Oh about 3 minutes which is about the time you said you were going to rest your eyes" Amanda responded.

Okay, for a start to a story, this isn't very interesting, or written very well. You are only thirteen, so I probably wouldn't be writing about anything sexual, or about older teenagers unless you know how they work and act. Amanda's response here doesn't sound like what a girlfriend would say to her boyfriend.

Now they were not on the bus to go to school for learning no that passed about 3 hours before this they were on their way to the 14th annual new years dance at Danesvile High school. each teen on the bus had a date, a rain coat (For the hard rain just outside of the bus), and a bag of sort for carrying there tuxedos and dresses.

Sometimes conversing with the reader is a good idea, a way to draw said reader into the story. However, I don't think it's necessary here, mainly because I don't think you did a very good job writing that aside. Also, an event is usually capitalised; it's not christmas, it's Christmas, not new years eve, but New Years Eve. Additionally, I have a problem with the whole bus idea. Why are they on a bus? Couldn't their parents drop them off? Please go over your work to scan for mistakes. A simple spell and grammar check would have picked up many of the things I have noticed.

"Sorry In GYM today I got in trouble for chewing gum and coach made me run 5 miles I am really tired now [You Need To Remember Your Punctuation]" Tom said.

Why would he apologise? Why is "gym" capitalised? Teachers don't generally make students run 5 miles (8 kilometres) for chewing gum. Tom wouldn't be tired. He'd be throwing up from the exertion.

After a minute or two of awkward silence on the bus it pulled up at Danesvil high and parked closest to the front doors which had a small roof over them. Tom and Amanda walked off the bus first Tom was first out umbrella also out because they were still meters away from the covered area. Amanda was just behind him holding his hand and walking next to him. They walked through the doors and towards the "changing area" or in other words the stalls of the bathrooms.

This is poorly written and extremely boring. Would the front doors of a high school really open up to the school bathrooms first off?

Tom walked into the boys and found a stall with an opened door it was empty he walked in and began changing into his nicer Tuxedo. Meanwhile in the girls bathroom Amanda was changing into a dark red (Toms favorite color)dress she already had lipstick on. Tom finished making sure his hair was alright and took his bag to his locker where he was supposed to stick it. after putting his combination and sticking his things in with his school thing he walked back to the bathrooms to wait for Amanda when he turned a corner hr bumped into his best friend Rodney Lodovico and his date Tonya Robert.

Why didn't they get dressed before leaving? Why didn't they leave their clothes in their lockers? Why did you bother describing them getting dressed? All this meaningless detail. You could have had a fantastic beginning: Tom nervously walking up to Amanda's front door, dressed in his black tuxedo. Her father opens the door and glares at him. Amanda graciously simpers down the stairs and Tom swallows as he sees her dark red dress had a slit up the thigh. He drives them to the dance, and then they meet up with their friends. Everything before the meeting up with the friends was unnecessary and boring.

"(Yelp) watch where your going you freak" Tonya said. "Its good to see you too Tonya" Tom said helping them up.

lol, omg you didn't. Tom actually knocked them over when he bumped them? *sigh* Also, if Tom's friends are not going to be in the rest of the story, this scene is entirely unnecessary and a waste of not only your time, but the reader's as well.

Meanwhile in the girls bathroom Amanda had finished dressing herself up and was now looking at some of the pictures on her camera. One she looked at was a picture Rodney had taken two years ago when they won a karaoke contest by singing their favorite song Nothing else matters by Metallica.

.... Who has two year old pictures on their cameras? Also, is this information relevant at all? I'm assuming Rodney is actually Tom, and you've just forgotten to change the names. Please please please go over your work. Mistakes like this look really bad.

Rodney had taken it just as they were finishing the last verse. Another one she looked at was their first date the very first picture Rodney ever took of them sharing milkshakes at burger king. Amanda grinned and thought to herself "I was so nervous that day". That day was 6 years ago 2 years after they met and became friends.

I'm guessing you're Amanda. Or at least you're drawing on your own memory of things that have happened to you. You always hear, as a writer, "Write what you know." That does not mean to write things that have happened to you. Especially if one of your friends reads this and says, "Lawl, I remember when you and Robbie shared that milk shake at Burger King. That was so funny when you laughed and snorted milk out your nose."

Amanda put her camera away. "Good memory's " she thought.

Thoughts are generally in italics. So, "Amanda put her camera away thinking, Good memories."

Outside Tom was looking through his photos he looked at a 3 year old photo from a trip through one of the tunnel of love things at a carnival. An hour or so later they were on a Meris wheel. Tom put his camera in his pocket as Amanda came out.

Why all this nonsense about photos? What's the point?

She had kept her dress in her slightly over sized purse so she just continued down the hall with Tom into the Gym. Inside it was decorated with balloons saying things like 2011! or Happy year 2011. There was a lot of balloons and lights and other basic decor.

"Other basic decor"? You're the writer, we can't magically see in your mind. You need to describe things to us. You've invited me into your own world, but you're not giving me any pictures to see in my mind. "Basic decor" means different things to different people. If I was really poor, maybe I'd imagine a small bar fridge and a worn out lounge. A rich person would imagine marble table tops, expensive wine glasses... Description.

Tom walked over to the guy teenager controlling the music just 20 feet from the near the table where the punch was. He was a fellow students his job was to put in some track with appropriate music nothing like rap,death metal, etc. Tom showed the guy a He held up a little sticky note from the band teacher who was in charge of what music was available to be played. The note that said that he had approved the music on the CD Tom had with him. Tom pulled the CD out out of his pocket and handed the CD to the guy placed it on the table with a wink.
ENTER FOR NEW PARAGRAPH
"any specific track?" the guy DJ asked.
ENTER FOR NEW PARAGRAPH
"yeah track one" Tom answered walking back to Amanda just as the music began playing. Amanda's eyes began to show how surprised she was widened in surprise. Her favorite song was the first song of the night.
ENTER FOR NEW PARAGRAPH
She completely showed her surprise by ambushinged Tom with a kiss and saying said, "I cant believe it! You got the Track guy themto put on our song."

Now. Phew. THAT is how much work your entire story needs. I've tried my best to keep your story and yet chop out everything and fix bits that made your writing so weak and poorly written. You need to read some published work and compare it to your own. That should give you some idea on how much more effort you need to put in.

Give me a moment to take a break, and I'll be back to do the rest.

- Jai

Okay, I'm back.

While they were having the time of their young lives a threat loomed out side. Inside the music stopped a minuted early as a door used for getting out to the tennis courts was thrown at the bleachers. A man in a black hoodie walked in. A male teacher tried stopping the man from coming in but was thrown 30 feet into a speaker.

Interesting. But this isn't a movie script, it's a novel. You have to use description. Did the teacher scream as he fell? Did the speakers squeal when he crashed into them? What did everyone else in the hall do when this violence occurred? You do realise how far 30 feet is? That's 10 metres in metric. The height of an average room is 2.5 metres. The hooded guy just threw a man the same distance horizontally as a four storey building, vertically.

"Amanda take cover" Tom said. He watched the guy walk around scanning the crowd for someone.
ENTER FOR NEW PARAGRAPH
he finally found Tom "YOU!" he loudly spoke then he walked up and grabbed Tom by the throat then picked him up one handed
ENTER FOR NEW PARAGRAPH
"STAY AWAY FROM THE GIRL IN RED SHE SHALL GET YOU KILLED!" he spoke throwing Tom to the ground.

...
Besides the obvious punctuation errors, once again I have to ask you for description. Where are the reactions of everyone? Is Tom scared? Is he happy? Is he crying? Also, never capitalise full sentences in a novel. If you want to show that someone is loud, write it.

For example: "Stay away from the girl in red!" The person in the hoodie screamed, "She shall get you killed!" His voice boomed around the basket ball hall, and Tom saw spittle fly from the shadowed face under the hood.

Tom looked up and saw the punch bowl on its the table. he grabbed it and walked carefully behind the man who was now scanning the crowd for another person. Tom brought the bowl up not spilling a drop and brung brought it down of the mans head with all his might. The glass bowl broke and the man didn't even move. "YOU PATHETIC LITTLE ROACH!" he screamed turning and punching Tom square in the chest .

Your tenses are all over the place, and this action seems to have almost too much description given to it, making it stand out like a polar bear in a rainforest. You can't have absolutely no description before this, and then hit the reader over the head with a paragraph of description.

Tom flew back 30 or so feet hit the area next to the bleacher he saw Amanda in total shock as she watch him get back up. He coughed blood on to the ground. He then said to the man "coward......one throw and a strong punch that's it?" He then coughed more blood. The man looked at him in complete confusion. Tom began to smile. "Yeah your wondering whats wrong with this guy well right now you ruined a perfect night by interrupting a dance to my favorite song"now Tom was walking closer to the man "You gave a man a concussion" now Tom was right in front of him "And then you go picking a fight with me well come on then lets fight" Tom said punching the man as hard as he could making the mans face turn left as his right hand drew blood from the mans nose.

This is extremely hard to read. You, the writer, can imagine everything you've written, but me, the reader, can't understand what you're trying to portray. Especially when there are no paragraphs or proper use of punctuation to help me read. Look at it this way. You can't survive without water, food and oxygen. People can't read without grammar, paragraphs and punctuation. Well, people can, but you wouldn't call it living, would you?

The man felt the area on his face where the blood was going down with his finger he looked at his finger ans saw blood

I think you should look at writing scripts. You're too busy describing things that shouldn't be described, but not describing things that should be.

"it is a fight you have then". The man took off his hoodie revealing he was no older than Tom but his eyes turned a dark black as he drew two sword and stabbed one into the floor. "Grab your weapon boy" he said in a deep deep voice. Tom pulled the sword out of the floor and sliced at the man. The man blocked his slice and then sliced at Toms face. Tom dodged but found a cut on his right shoulder. Tom made a fatal mistake of trying to slice from above his head. The blocked and kept his sword up blocking it. The man then revealed a smaller dagger and stabbed it into tom chest and then pulled it out. He kicked Tom in the chest knocking him over. The man grabbed his other sword in mid air as it fell out of Toms hand. Tom got up on his hands and knees he watched the blood ooze out of the wound and drip to the floor.

1) Paragraphs.
2) Punctuation.
3) Synonyms/use of a thesaurus.
4) Description.

He grinned. He laughed. "Whats so funny?" the man with black eyes asked. "I just had a little vision I believe it was just my brain trying to ignore this horrific pain in my chest."Tom got up a smile on his face "In the vision a voice told me I was the son of some ancient war god called Locadus" He continued smiling " and thaqt I was not the son of Milly and David Daniels and that I was the son of a women god of the sky called Ciagis and Locadus the war god I mentioned earlier". "That is true non mortal" The man said standing still his back to Tom. "The voice then told me my girl friend was from a god of love call Juda and and a god of water called Belyowa" Tom finished. "That is also true" the man said.

What. In. The. World. What? What? What? WHAT? Why? How cheap do you want to make your work? Why don't you just say: Tom closed his eyes, "I'm having a vision of me destroying all the evil in your world, and I also have three beautiful children with Amanda. I end up being King/Emperor of the entire Other Realm, and I just am totally awesome." THE END.

Toms smile turned to a shocked frown. At that moment a red cylinder of light shown around him it grew bright for a moment it remained bright and then died out. Tom looked at the shocked faces of other students and teachers. He was handed a girls mirror and he looked at himself his hair was the same and so was his face but he was no longer wearing his tux he was wearing a beige shirt and a pair of camo paints on his back he had a sort of pack with a small string hanging. He looked at his waist and found a dagger holstered. on his wrists he had metal devices he moved his hands backwards towards his forearm and noticed blades come out of the metal wrist items he kept his hands like that he found it easy to keep his hands like that as if he had done it a million times.

Who would really run forward and hand him a mirror? Also, I love the last sentence. Totally cool. Absolutely, positively written poorly, but a really interesting idea. With regards to the whole revealing the existence of Gods to a whole school thing... Don't you think there would be immediate media interest?

He saw the blood and wound hand gone away. 'You realized that you were the son of gods and now it has changed your clothing to fully convince you " The man said. A pink light then came from the bleachers and then it faded. Amanda stepped out the side dressed in a blue dress her face adorned beatifically with makeup her hair longer than it had been now hanging down to her back. Tom walked over to her and handed her the mirror "you look very very beautiful but right now I have to go take care of this guy just check yourself out in the mirror I'll be careful while dealing with him" Tom whispered into her ear. He then ran at the man with black eyes. The man ran out the door frame he had come threw. He ran much faster than Tom. Tom moved his arm back til he felt the string on his pack. He grabbed it jumped in mid run he flew at least 30 feet up he pulled the string and noticed wings pop out of the pack it looked like a flying device Leonardo da Vinchi had created but never tested.

What? He's talking to this guy about being a God, and now he's going to resume fighting as if nothing actually happened?

As Tom flew he some how controlled how fast he went which direction and how high he was flying. His hands where free. He felt the left side of his waist and found a weapon and a small leather bag both attached to his belt he pulled the weapon and noticed it was as small as a squirrel and looked like and old old timey one shot pistol just the wood looked nice and the metal areas were gold. He aimed it at the man and pulled the trigger a small but noticeable BOOM! The man fell down and blood oozed out on the school parking lot from the mans head. Tom lowered and landed behind the man. The man was face down. Tom flipped him over and saw the blood oozeing from both the back of his head and the area between his eyes. Tom took out his dagger after putting away what he now called "The Mocking Bird". He slit the mans throat and picked up the body he held in front of him and let the blood ooze where ever. He carried the body back to the school.

A sixteen year old just killed someone. And didn't feel any emotion. And he also named his new dagger. Right...

He walked through the door frame after pulling the string on his pack again making the wings fold back in to a pack. He saw the students just sitting on the bleacher he also saw a police officer questioning Amanda in the area where Tom had handed her the mirror. "You freeze drop the body" the officer said. Tom did as he was told. The officer then said "you two are in a lot of trouble but if this guy was alive he'd be in more" he said pointing at Tom then Amanda and then checking the mans pulse. "Dead" the office said. More officer came and took the body then the first one took Amanda and Tom in the same squad car. They rode in the back. not cuffed.

Ignoring all the errors in punctuation, grammar etc, killing someone is worse than throwing a man across a room.

At first they hugged. "Its good to see your alright" Amanda whispered "I thought you were going to die from that wound I cant believe we are children of gods. I am the goddess daughter of a love goddess and an ocean god from some lost civilization and your the god son of a war god and a sky goddess from the same civilization".

I can't believe they're gods either. No really. It's just an amazing coincidence. Next you'll be saying Tom is also part werewolf, angel, vampire, dragon and mermaid.

"I know how you feel" Tom said "the god of love side must be why the first time I saw you I fell in love at first I thought it was a crush you know like the ones all kids have" Amanda squeezed him tighter "now six year later we find out we are gods and who ever that guy was he must have friends with answers after we get out of this I am going hunting for answers now lets get this over with."

The believability of this story is non-existent.

Tom looked and saw the driver couldn't hear them because of a sound proof glass. But There was a child lock on the doors. They soon arrived at a police station. Later after interrogation Amanda's technical been alerted even though they were miles away in China on a honeymoon. She with Tom and his parents she stayed in a guest room that was connected to Toms room thanks to a bathroom.

What? This was way too jumbled for me to make any sense out of it.

A conversation with a friend online shed some light on what you possibly could have meant:
MC says (1:31 AM):
Amanda's technical been alerted
What?
I don't even understand this
Jadyn says (1:31 AM):
Yeah...
MC says (1:31 AM):
Unless it's meant to be bean instead of been
Jadyn says (1:31 AM):
LOL!
MC says (1:31 AM):
Then it makes a lot more sense sadly
Jadyn says (1:31 AM):
TROLOLOL!

Later that night around 8ish at night. It was pitch black in Room except for his 50 inch TV flashing while he and Amanda did one of their favorite things. They played the latest Halo.You know just something to relax them after the previous nights events. "oh man I am so dead" Tom said as virtual him ducked health bar blinking red. "No your not come on this just the first level on Heroic come on I have a shotgun I'll cover you go get those grenades already" Amanda said her virtual self taking out aliens on planet Reach.

This is probably the most awful, yet awesome thing I have ever read on the internet. I am impressed. My friend says, "I find it amazing that the best idea gods can come up with is to play a game of Halo."

Minutes later some how led to them making out on Toms couch. Toms room consisted of 5 basic items The entertainment center, his bed, his couch,his dresser,and his closet. Tom and Amanda were alone in Tom's house.

Woah woah woah. What? This is completely jumbled up. The fact that they were alone should have been at the very top of the introduction to Tom's house. The contents of his room should have been described before the Halo scene. Why bother mentioning that Tom and Amanda start to make out when you don't describe anything about it?

They heard multiple car engines outside. They looked out Toms bedroom window and saw multiple black vans and men emptying out of the back of each. Some of them carried sub machine guns some carried swords. One big big man hopped out last out of one of the vans. He carried 2 swords he wore a large black trench coat a black shirt underneath the coat and black pants. "Amanda hide" Tom said. The red light from the dance circled around him again he was in his full battle gear this time. Golden light metal armor. That's whats he wore this time. He drew a sword. He waited in the living room just standing between the family TV and the couch. Something flew threw the window . A Molotov. The little fire bomb exploded into a flame . He tan back to his room "Amanda get out of the house its on fire!" he yelled to her in his closet.

Why is Amanda so useless? Also, you have to slow down and describe things more. And at the same time, stop repeating yourself. Read this out loud to yourself or to friends.

A dark blue light came from the closet and then Amanda stepped out in light blue armor carrying a sword of her own just its trim wasn't gold like Tom's it was blue. "On 3....1....2....3" Tom said at three they jumped through the window catching the men in black off guard the one with sub machine guns fired. Tom grabbed Amanda opened his wings and jumped high they soared over head. Tom thought of Amanda having her own pack with the same control he had and as soon as that thought crossed his mind she wasn't in his hands anymore she her self was 2 wings length next to him with her own pack."Now" Tom thought"how about some sub machine guns with unlimited clips". A second or so later 2 appeared to be floating in front of their faces waiting to be grabbed.

So they are those types of Gods... Then why didn't they just wish/think that those men with the guns would turn into chickens?

"I'll explain later" Tom told Amanda . They both grabbed their guns and aimed down at the crowd that was trying to shoot them down. Tom pulled low and began unleashing everything he had. He saw the man in the trench coat he held a revolver he pointed it and fired. The bullet flew through the air. It unlike the others made a direct hit on Tom. Tom fell out of the sky as the bullet killed him going through his forehead. He hit the gravel street and broke his wings they broke off after he began rolling towards the man in the trench coat. He stopped at the mans feet.

Um wow. Wasn't expecting that. Also, what about Tom's neighbours? Wouldn't they notice the gun shots? Also, I thought Gods couldn't die? You know, the whole healing scene earlier?

"Goodbye little god" The man said in a deep voice. Then he felt the full force of Amanda crashing purposely into him her sword going deep into his chest. Amanda pulled the sword out and grabbed Tom. Amanda saw a crowd of men with guns running towards them. At that very moment every fire hydrant ever sink every pipe just erupted as the water came rushing the water picked up all the men and then formed in a giant bubble keeping them trapped in with no oxygen . Amanda left the bubble there and carried Tom away. She cried. One tear however ran down her cheek it then dripped on to Tom's forehead the wound began to heal at a funanamal rate. Soon it was gone. And Tom began to breath again.

lol, funanamal. Is that a fun version of phenomenal?

"Amanda...." he said weakly. She looked down at him. Shocked she then set him down. She looked around the neighborhood most of the people were watching Tom and her through windows. Amanda heard sirens. A little gray canister can came rolling out of the bush. It exploded into a mountain of gas. Amanda didn't even have time to react before she blacked out.

At least your Gods aren't entirely overpowered. I think the following should be chapter two, and as such, I won't review it at this current time. Maybe tomorrow. PM me or reply directly to this thread with any queries or comments. Please contact me when you're done editing and I'd love to go over it again. Keep writing.

- Jai

I have to say that I TOTALLY agree with seeminglymeaningless: Your work needs a lot of grammatical changes! (Sorry).
When I read your post about what the story was going to be about, I was curious to see how you would write it but by reading the beginning I do not get the impression that this was going anywhere interesting, though I understand that you want to make the characters as ordinary as possible.
I like the story's idea but you should have impressed the reader right from the beginning.
However, I want you to keep writing as it is the only way to improve and because I want to read more!
By the way, edit your title: "Civilization" note that it should be with an 'i' and not an 'a'

Welcome to YWS, good luck and keep writing!

Why Hello Thar. Azrael here to review your work. Let's begin! (By the way, I'm known as a cruel reviewer, so beware.)

YoungNate8 wrote:Chapter 1 Portal to a second world

My cliche-senses are tingling.

Tom wasn't totally sure where he was just where ever it was something kept going THUMP..THUMP..THUMP.....and so on.

Not needed. (Plus, after reading this I'm not even sure what was thumping that slowly. I couldn't have been Amanda's heart. It was beating too slow for that - unless she was dying.)

He kept his eyes closed trying to go back to sleep he kept thinking "Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep".

Really? When I try to go back to sleep I don't think at all. Or at least I don't think in over-exaggerated words. Maybe that's just me. Also, notice the two words that are the SAME. Repetitivity; one word even close to being the same can be a killer.

After about a minute of this, he opened his eyes and saw that he was leaning on someone. hHe lifted his head [DOUBLE SPACE] away from the person and saw he had fallen asleep aboard the school bus on his way to school.

Grammar - learn it.

He looked back at the person he was leaning on it was a girl of 16 she had dark brown hair.

I'm not going to say anything. Or maybe I will. Read your stuff - where you naturally pause put a comma. Simple as that. This sentence is an example that needs a comma. If you find where it needs to be I will congratulate you.

His sheepish brain soon found a match for the face that was giving him that smile that said "Awkward but funny".

Yeah. Sheepish. Because that's how I'd describe someone's brain. Perhaps you should Google the definition of the word "sheepish". It may clear up many objections.

They walked through the doors and towards the "changing area"or in other words the stalls of the bathrooms.

The use of speech marks surrounding the words "changing area" is suspicious. How so? Think of it like this:

This poison apple, yeah, it's "safe."

Getting the gist of the matter?

Tom walked into the boys and found a stall with an opened door it was empty he walked in and began changing into his nicer Tuxedo.

What did this guy do? Rob a store? He was already wearing a tuxedo and he changed into his nicer Tuxedo? It must be a pretty good tux, seeing as it deserves a capital letter like that. Unless Tuxedo is like Tom's alter ego, therefore a person - which warrants the capital letter, like in Sailor Moon.

After putting his combination and sticking his things in with his school thing he walked back to the bathrooms to wait for Amanda when he turned a corner hr bumped into his best friend Rodney Lodovico and his date Tonya Robert.

:/ After putting his combination? And how is this one sentence? It's way too long. Cut it up, fix your errors and please, for the sake of all that is literacy, learn some grammar.

"(Yelp) watch where your going you freak" Tonya said. "Its good to see you too Tonya" Tom said helping them up.

Yeah. What's with the (Yelp)? You don't put stuff like that into actual said sentences.

Meanwhile in the girls bathroom Amanda had finished dressing herself up and was now looking at some of the pictures on her camera.

Meanwhile and afterwards. You seem to have some sort of disease where you constantly use these words to start sentences. See your local thesaurus about this, before it spirals out of control.

One she looked at was a picture Rodney had taken two years ago when they won a karaoke contest by singing their favorite song Nothing else matters by Metallica. Rodney had taken it just as they were finishing the last verse. Another one she looked at was their first date the very first picture Rodney ever took of them sharing milkshakes at burger king. Amanda grinned and thought to herself "I was so nervous that day". That day was 6 years ago 2 years after they met and became friends. Amanda put her camera away. "Good memory's " she thought. Outside Tom was looking through his photos he looked at a 3 year old photo from a trip through one of the tunnel of love things at a carnival. An hour or so later they were on a Meris wheel. Tom put his camera in his pocket as Amanda came out.

Okay, I'm getting the picture that this pairing is canon. How did I know this? (Or cunningly guess?) The obviousness is appalling. You don't make two different people who know each other do exactly the same thing at the same time. It's mushy. It's... unreasonable. I'd understand if, of all the chances in the world, someone somewhere else were doing this, but no - you've taken coincidence beyond any realm of reasonability. Please... get rid of it all.

She had kept her dress in her slightly over sized purse so she just continued down the hall with Tom into the Gym. Inside it was decorated with balloons saying things like 2011! or Happy year 2011. There was a lot of balloons and lights and other basic decor. Tom walked over to the guy controlling the music just 20 feet from the table where the punch was. He was a fellow students his job was to put in some track with appropriate music nothing like rap,death metal, etc. Tom showed the guy a little sticky note from the band teacher who was in charge of what music was available to be played. The note said that he had approved the music on the CD Tom had with him.

All of this can be taken out. It doesn't clear anything up. It can be replaced with:

Tom and Amanda continued down the hall which was decorated with countless celebrational objects remarking about "2011." When Tom found the DJ, he handed over a CD to him - as well as sticky-note stating that it was teacher-approved music.

There - everything in the previous paragraph summed up into two sentences.

Tom pulled out out of his pocket and handed the CD to the guy "any specific track?" the guy asked. "yeah track one" Tom answered walking back to Amanda just as the music began playing. Amanda's eyes began to show how surprised she was. Her favorite song was the first song of the night. She completely showed her surprise by ambushing Tom with kiss and saying "I cant believe it you got the Track guy to put on our song"

.

SURPRISE! Are you surprised? I have to say, I wasn't. It was mentioned too much. Maybe I might've been shocked, or stunned. But I can't really be surprised more than once.

Inside the music stopped a minuted early as a door used for getting out to the tennis courts was thrown at the bleachers.

Why did the music stop? This sentence could be made into a whole paragraph. Part of writing is knowing what should be described and what shouldn't. I can't say you've discovered that important fact yet.

A male teacher tried stopping the man from coming in but was thrown 30 feet into a speaker.

That speaker must be very long. Or it must have some sort of magical insides - how else could the man be thrown 30 feet into it?

"YOU!" he loudly spoke then he walked up and grabbed Tom by the throat then picked him up one handed "STAY AWAY FROM THE GIRL IN RED SHE SHALL GET YOU KILLED!" he spoke throwing Tom to the ground.

How did the man get close to Tom? Seriously.

Tom flew back 30 or so feet hit the area next to the bleacher he saw Amanda in total shock as she watch him get back up.

You seem to have a unusual attachment to the number 30.

Tom said punching the man as hard as he could making the mans face turn left as his right hand drew blood from the mans nose.

I've finally realised the flaw in your writing. You're telling us what's happening. We need to be shown.

Tom threw his fist forward as hard as he could and watched in grim satisfaction as it made contact with the stranger's nose, slamming into the man's face with such force that it caused his victim's head to be thrown backwards and the man's nose to start spurting blood.

Now. Can you actually see this? Because I can. I imagine this is what you were trying to write.

The man felt the area on his face where the blood was going down with his finger he looked at his finger ans saw blood

Another classic example of telling and not showing.

The man took off his hoodie revealing he was no older than Tom but his eyes turned a dark black as he drew two sword and stabbed one into the floor. "Grab your weapon boy" he said in a deep deep voice.

Let me get this straight - they're about the same age, but the stranger still calls him "boy"? Really? Make sure your writing doesn't contradict itself.

Tom pulled the sword out of the floor and sliced at the man. The man blocked his slice and then sliced at Toms face. Tom dodged but found a cut on his right shoulder. Tom made a fatal mistake of trying to slice from above his head.

All I saw in this was "Sliced, slice, sliced, slice." I imagine they're battling... somehow. It's completely beyond me how they aren't able to predict each other's movements with such a limited range of attacks.

The man grabbed his other sword in mid air as it fell out of Toms hand.

This sentence is backwards. I'm just saying...

"Whats so funny?" the man with black eyes asked. "I just had a little vision I believe it was just my brain trying to ignore this horrific pain in my chest."Tom got up a smile on his face "In the vision a voice told me I was the son of some ancient war god called Locadus" He continued smiling " and thaqt I was not the son of Milly and David Daniels and that I was the son of a women god of the sky called Ciagis and Locadus the war god I mentioned earlier". "That is true non mortal" The man said standing still his back to Tom. "The voice then told me my girl friend was from a god of love call Juda and and a god of water called Belyowa" Tom finished.

No. You just did not pull out the All-Seeing-Vision card. You didn't. I refuse to believe it.

Toms smile turned to a shocked frown. At that moment a red cylinder of light shown around him it grew bright for a moment it remained bright and then died out. Tom looked at the shocked faces of other students and teachers. He was handed a girls mirror and he looked at himself his hair was the same and so was his face but he was no longer wearing his tux he was wearing a beige shirt and a pair of camo paints on his back he had a sort of pack with a small string hanging.

What. Just. What. And the answer is "No." Did Tom just go Super Saiyan? (Except without the cool hair.)

'You realized that you were the son of gods and now it has changed your clothing to fully convince you " The man said.

Of course. I should've known. You can't believe the super strength or the rapid healing abilities. You have to be convinced by the clothes. Uh-duh, I should've known.

He then ran at the man with black eyes.

So, did Tom get black eyes when he went Super Saiyan? Or did he tear them from the male teacher and has them in his hands as he runs toward the man? Or maybe, less probable, did you mean that the stranger had black eyes?

He grabbed it jumped in mid run he flew at least 30 feet up he pulled the string and noticed wings pop out of the pack it looked like a flying device Leonardo da Vinchi had created but never tested.

Yes, you must have a 30-fetish. Anyway, this sentence is also backwards. That is all.

His hands where free.

Either you mean:

His hands, where? Free.

or

His hands were free.

I'm not sure which one fits better.

He felt the left side of his waist and found a weapon and a small leather bag both attached to his belt he pulled the weapon and noticed it was as small as a squirrel and looked like and old old timey one shot pistol just the wood looked nice and the metal areas were gold.

How did he not notice these things on his waist before? Also, what size is squirrel? And what in the name of all that is good and pure does "old old timey" mean?

He aimed it at the man and pulled the trigger a small but noticeable BOOM!

If his trigger alone made this sound he should probably get it checked. Last time I watched a movie pulling a trigger usually sounded like "Click." Followed, of course, by the bullet shooting.

Tom took out his dagger after putting away what he now called "The Mocking Bird".

Yeah, because flying and killing someone wasn't enough. He had to have enough time to think of a fitting name for his dagger - one that he'll probably never use again.

He slit the mans throat and picked up the body he held in front of him and let the blood ooze where ever.

Because shooting him through the head wasn't enough to make sure he was dead.

He carried the body back to the school. He walked through the door frame after pulling the string on his pack again making the wings fold back in to a pack. He saw the students just sitting on the bleacher he also saw a police officer questioning Amanda in the area where Tom had handed her the mirror.

He-he-he. Sounds like me laughing, doesn't it? I tell you now, it's no laughing matter. That was the start of every sentence in this paragraph. I'm just saying that it's repeititive.

"You freeze drop the body" the officer said.

You either mean, freeze-drop as in - freeze the body and then drop it. Or freeze. And then drop.

The officer then said "you two are in a lot of trouble but if this guy was alive he'd be in more" he said pointing at Tom then Amanda and then checking the mans pulse.

This is how I saw what just happened:

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, kiddies. You've just killed a man, but since I sound considerably feminine, I don't really care. Tee-hee," the officer said.

Yes. That's right.

"Dead" the office said.

You'd think the hole through his goddamned head would give it away, wouldn't you?

More officer came and took the body then the first one took Amanda and Tom in the same squad car.

I think you mean:

Officer More came.

Personally, I think Officer More is an awesome name. I don't know why you'd put that particular sentence into this story, but it makes just as much sense as anything else - so it fits.

"I thought you were going to die from that wound I cant believe we are children of gods. I am the goddess daughter of a love goddess and an ocean god from some lost civilization and your the god son of a war god and a sky goddess from the same civilization".

It's good how she knows this stuff, like off by heart.

"now six year later we find out we are gods and who ever that guy was he must have friends with answers after we get out of this I am going hunting for answers now lets get this over with."

Maybe you shouldn't have killed him...

It was pitch black in Room except for his 50 inch TV flashing while he and Amanda did one of their favorite things. They played the latest Halo.You know just something to relax them after the previous nights events.

Is Room Tom's nickname? I like how you describe the turmoil inside Tom's head as black. So, Halo is what you youngsters call "it" nowadays. What a hip name. And yes, it would relax them... a lot.

"oh man I am so dead" Tom said as virtual him ducked health bar blinking red. "No your not come on this just the first level on Heroic come on I have a shotgun I'll cover you go get those grenades already" Amanda said her virtual self taking out aliens on planet Reach.

Oh, I see. How embarassing, here I thought they were doing something much more enjoyable. Like playing Halo OSTD.

Minutes later some how led to them making out on Toms couch.

Of course. Because nothing turns you on like shooting aliens.

"Amanda hide" Tom said.

I thought her last name was Famberd.

The red light from the dance circled around him again he was in his full battle gear this time.

Someone was dancing? Was it Miss Hide?

That's whats he wore this time.

Really?

"On 3....1....2....3" Tom said at three they jumped through the window catching the men in black off guard the one with sub machine guns fired.

Why wait? Why not just jump out? Oh, yeah. Dramatic tension building up and cliche over-done sayings - you need those things.

As soon as that thought crossed his mind she wasn't in his hands anymore she her self was 2 wings length next to him with her own pack.

I have an extremely vague image of what happened here. He let her go and she fell to her death. Is that it?

"I'll explain later" Tom told Amanda

What is he going to explain? He doesn't even know how it happens.

Tom pulled low and began unleashing everything he had.

This is the best sentence you have written. Honestly. Kudos to you.

He saw the man in the trench coat he held a revolver he pointed it and fired. The bullet flew through the air. It unlike the others made a direct hit on Tom.

Wait... what? Tom got shot? I thought Tom was shooting.

Tom fell out of the sky as the bullet killed him going through his forehead.

Everyone has such a good aim in your story. It's a good thing real life doesn't imitate this.

She cried.

No, please. Don't tell me... you're going to do the miraculous-heal... Please... don't let it be so.

One tear however ran down her cheek it then dripped on to Tom's forehead the wound began to heal at a funanamal rate. Soon it was gone. And Tom began to breath again. "Amanda...." he said weakly.

I... I don't know what to say except my initial thoughts of this story were entirely correct.

She looked down at him. Shocked she then set him down. She looked around the neighborhood most of the people were watching Tom and her through windows. Amanda heard sirens. A little gray canister can came rolling out of the bush. It exploded into a mountain of gas. Amanda didn't even have time to react before she blacked out.

End the chapter here, please.

Overall:
I will tell you three things which will help you "funanamally".

1. Grammar, punctuation and spelling - learn some. Actually, your spelling isn't so bad, just focus on the first two.

2. Show us, don't tell us. While you're at it, put sentences in chronological order, don't just add it after it occurs to you.

3. Get rid of your cliches. Please. Everything you've written has been done before and done better. Writing is like steak - its tough to work your way through if its been over-done.

Anyway, I think Amanda lacks character - so far, the only thing she has successfully been able to do is be "surprised." Harruh for her. Tom seems a little better, but he also has no discernible qualities with which I can sympathise with. You're already alienating your audience by making them Gods. By making them have zero traits (otherwise known as flaws), with which your readers can empathise with, you make no one want to read this.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.