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Young Writers Society


The Chaos (Chapter three)



Who's your favorite character so far?

Nick
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Korrow
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Jasmine
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Mary
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When the story develops, I'll tell you.
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Total votes : 1


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Tue Jul 06, 2010 10:17 pm
MasterofChaos says...



Here's chapter three of my novel. I hope you all enjoy.

Note: Abeiuwa is a Nigerian name which means "Born in a good time" in case you get confused.



Chapter three
Another one





I looked outside, bored out of my mind. I couldn't be outside unless my mom was with me, but she was too busy cooking. I sighed and closed my eyes for a minute.

Then, there was a knock on the door.

“I got it!” Korrow called, running to the door and opening it. “Good morning!”

“Hello, there!” A woman greeted in a heavy Nigerian accent. “Is Mary Riverson here?”

“Uh, yeah! She's cooking right now. Please, come in!”

“Thank you, son.” A man thanked, a chuckle in his voice. “Hey, Mary! We're here!”

“Oh!” My mom called, running to the door. “John! Abeiuwa! I didn't expect you to come so soon! Come inside!”

I walked away from the window and sat on the left side of the couch. I sighed as the man and woman sat next to me.

“It's a scorcher out there!” Abeiuwa said. “It took us hours to cool down! Goodness, Mary, I don't know how you can stand this heat.”

My mom giggled.

“I guess it doesn't really affect me.” She said. “What are you two doing over here?”

“We're helping with the memorial service.” John explained. “We heard about the murder here.”

“Oh...I see...” She gave them two plastic cups. “You must be thirsty. Here, have some water.”

I looked away from them and stared at the wall, not wanting to remember the whole murder case. Then, one of them turned me around, forcing me to look at them.

“Nick?” John asked. “Nick? Is that you? Look at you! I haven't seen you since you were seven years old!” He rubbed my head. “You're growing up too fast!”

Abeiuwa looked at Korrow, who was sitting on the step calmly.

“Who's this?” She asked kindly. “A friend of yours?”

“Oh! I'm Korrow!” He introduced. “Nice to meet you, Mrs.-”

“Huckleberry.” Abeiuwa finished. “Abeiuwa Huckleberry.”

“Mrs. Huckleberry! I guess that Mr. Huckleberry is your husband!” He looked at John. “Nice to meet you!”

John smiled and walked over to Korrow, and shook his hand.

“Nice to meet you too.” He greeted. “Why are you with Nick, son?”

“I...got lost! So he was kind enough to let me stay with him!” Korrow chuckled. “So, I'll be here for a while!”

John looked at Korrow suspiciously, trying to see what he was hiding. Then, he shrugged and and smiled brightly.

“I see. Well, I hope he's taking care of you. Perhaps we should call your parents and-”

“NO!” Korrow and I screamed.

The room fell silent. Everyone stared at the both of us. I looked around nervously, and started to speak.

“Uh...” I said. “His parents...are out of town! So they...don't have a connection!”

Korrow nodded and smiled nervously.

“Excuse me for a minute!” He said before darting out the door. I followed him.



We panted when we got near a bus stop, four blocks away from the house. We sat on the bench. Then, we laughed at ourselves.

“Wow, Nick.” Korrow chuckled, wiping his eyes. “You really kept your promise.” He smiled softly. “Thank you.”

“Well, what can I say? I'm cool like that!” I bragged, which caused Korrow to laugh slightly.

“Still, I wonder if they'll be worried about us.” He wondered. “I mean, they'll think we were up to something.”

“They won't. The Huckleberries don't care about anything.” I explained. “They only act in front of my mom.”

“Well, I doubt that. I bet they care. You just don't see it.” Korrow disagreed. “I'm sure they're wondering why we ran out the house.”

We looked away and said nothing. Then, for some reason, Grand Anarchy came to my mind. I turned and looked back at Korrow.

“Say,” I started, “You think they might know who Grand Anarchy is?”

Korrow shrugged.

“They could, but they just arrived here.” Korrow explained. “We don't have a lot of evidence. I still think that your mom has some knowledge about this.” He looked up. “We shouldn't be out here. We don't know if we're going to get attacked again.”

I looked to my left, then to my right. Feeling a bit nervous, I nodded and fixed my shirt.

“Y-Yeah.” I agreed. “Let's get out of here.”




More adults stared at us as we started to walk away. This time, I just ignored them. We were heading home, so why are you staring at us?

I finally stopped in my tracks and started to yell at them.

“Stop looking at us!” I demanded. “We're going home! Okay? Are you happy? Now leave us alone!”

“Nick, stop.” Korrow begged.

“What? They're annoying!”

“I feel the same way you do, but this is what happens when we go outside without an adult. Now, let's go. We're just causing a scene.”

I sighed and said nothing.





When we were only a minute closer to my house, I dead in my tracks. The ambulance were at Paul's house. The sirens were causing many eyes to stare. I could see John, my mother, and Abeiuwa standing over Paul's mom, who was on her knees.

“What's going on?” I wondered, running to the scene.

“Wait for me!” Korrow called.

I could see Paul's mother sobbing and hitting the ground. My mom eventually got down to her knees and hugged Paul's mom.

“NO! NO! NO! NO!” She screamed. “NOOOO! NOOOO!”

I tried to see what was going on, but the adults kept pushing me out the way. No matter how hard I tried to pull through, they wouldn't let me.

“Hey! Let me see!” I begged. “I want to see! Let me go!”

“Nick, go inside the house.” Mom demanded. “You can't see this. Now go.”

“Why? Let me through!”

I should've listened to her. When I finally managed to get through, I looked down. My eyes widened. Everything around me went silent. My body went numb. I couldn't speak.

Paul's bloody corpse was on the ground. His glassy, lifeless eyes were staring at me. His mouth was wide opened. His fingers were broken. His arms and legs were twisted. Blood gushed from his chest, mouth, and eyes. The sight was horrifying.

Then, my entire world went black.





I woke up immediately, panting and sweating. From what I could gather, I wasn't outside. Instead, I was in my room, laying in my bed. Abeiuwa was right by me, placing her hand on my head.

“It's nice to see that you're awake.” She said, smiling slightly. “Mary was worried about you. Here, I'll go get her.”

When she left the room, I looked down at my sheet. Paul was dead. Dead. I saw his body. That...bloody...body. I clenched my sheets, and I started to cried heavily. I couldn't believe it. First, I saw a collision. Next, I lost Mrs. Susan. Now, I lost my best friend. Why? Why was all of this happening? What did I do to deserve this?

My mom finally walked in and gave me a hug.

“I should've...I wish...” I started, “I wish I was there!”

“Don't blame yourself.” She said. “It wasn't your fault. You didn't cause this.”

“Still! I could've saved him! I could've!”

“Honey, no one knew this was going to happen. It caught us all off guard. However, you can't blame yourself. You didn't kill him.”

I rested my head on her shoulder. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and rubbed my back.

“When you fainted...” She paused for a minute, then she buried her head in my chest. “I felt like I should've...told you...about...”

She started to cry silently. I looked down at her and wiped my eyes, calming down a bit.

“Mom?” I asked.

“N-Nothing.” She said, looking at me. “I was just thinking.” She kissed me on the cheek. “I'll go make dinner, okay?”

At the moment, I knew she was hiding something. Why else would she act like that? She knew about all this! I knew she was lying to me!

“Okay, mom.” I replied, hiding my emotions.




After dinner, I was informed that the Huckleberries were going to stay with us for a week. While I opposed the idea, I had no say. My mom laid down the rules, and I had no choice to follow them. When I walked up the stairs, I could see the Huckleberries unpacking their suitcases and chatting with each other. I didn't know why, but I decided to listen to their conversation. The door wasn't closed all the way, so I took a peak.

“The situation is getting worst, Abeiuwa!” John said. “Mary can't keep hiding this from Nick! He has the right to know!”

“Honey, she's not ready.” Abeiuwa disagreed, wrapping her arms around John's neck. “I mean, don't you remember what happened to her first son, Micheal? If Nick finds out, the entire Riverson family will be doomed.”

“No, they won't. Obviously, Grand Anarchy is not going to stop the massacres until Thomas is found.”


I gasped. They also knew about Grand Anarchy! If that was the case, why didn't anyone tell me about them? And why would I risk my family life if I knew about them?

“John,” Abeiuwa continued, “I feel the same way you do. But we can't force her to tell Nick. She'll have to do that herself. Or, alternatively, Nick will have to find out himself, along with Korrow. Either way, she can't keep this a secret any longer. However, we have to give her time. She's not ready.”

“...If you say so.” John said, kissing his wife. “But, I will say this: if nothing gets better around here, they have no choice but to leave home.”

“John!”

“Sweetie, I know that you don't like the idea, but if we want the Riversons to be safe, then we'll have to make them evacuate.”

“I see. I just hope that you know what you are doing.”


John chuckled and kissed his wife again.

“I always do. Now, let's go to sleep. We've had a rough afternoon.”

“You're right. Goodnight, John.”

“Goodnight, Angel.”


When they turned off the lights, I went back to my room and sat next to Korrow, who was sitting on the floor. He looked at me.

“What is it, Nick?” He asked.

“I want you to do me a favor.” I said.

“Sure! What is it?”

“I'll ask my mom to head to the library tomorrow. There, I want you to find as much information about Grand Anarchy as you can.”

Korrow blinked.

“Nick, are you sure?”

“Positive. They know about Grand Anarchy, and they won't tell me. So, we'll find out by ourselves.”

“...If you say so.” He pulled his sleeping bag from under my bed and tucked himself in. “I just hope we don't get in trouble. I trust you, Nick.”

“Don't worry.” I said, getting into my bed. “Goodnight.”

“Night.”

When I turned off my lamp, I looked at the ceiling and gave a small smirk.

The tables are turned, mom. I thought. I'm going to know the truth, and no one will stop me.
I no longer update here. I rewrote my story entirely. So long and thanks for all the fish!





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Wed Jul 07, 2010 12:57 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



Alright, here I am as promised.

Hmm, let's see. Still liking this story- a lot. But there's one thing. It seems a little forced or something. Like you keep saying that Nick must find out, he's determined to learn the truth, but I don't think you have to keep forcing it. I'm sorry to say that I can't think of a more effective way, but perhaps (as others have suggested) you should do less telling and more showing. Don't tell us that he's angry, for example, show it by his actions.

Now for grammar time!

When we were only a minute closer to my house, I dead in my tracks. The ambulance were at Paul's house. The sirens were causing many eyes to stare. I could see John, my mother, and Abeiuwa standing over Paul's mom, who was on her knees.

Several things wrong with this paragraph:

1. When we were only a minute closer to my house. That just doesn't sound right for some reason. :?

2. I stopped dead in my tracks. You forgot stop.

3. The ambulance were at Paul's house.
What ambulance? It appears to me that maybe they should have heard the sirens earlier. Unless I missed reading that part.
Also, this sentence sounds funny too. Although I think it's grammatically correct. I don't know.


Okey dokey, all done. Didn't mean to be harsh there or anything. I really do like this story.

Looking forward to more!

Keep writing,
Crazy :P
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)





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Mon Jul 12, 2010 5:28 am
zankoku_na_tenshi says...



Hi Chaos! Sorry for the delay. ^_^

Wow, things just got serious. I’ve got to say, one of my favorite things about this chapter is that if the audience ever thought you were bluffing about how much of a bid deal this Grand Anarchy is, if they even hesitated for a second, all doubt has now been cleanly blown out of their minds. We can’t question now that these people mean business, and they are serious—the former attack was definitely not an isolated incident.

You’re doing much better with showing emotions in this chapter rather than just telling them—I don’t think there was a single time when I read this chapter and doubted what Nick was feeling. In this chapter, it feels a lot more realistic and organic, I can really believe that he’s upset, that he’s struggling, or that he’s burning with curiosity about his father, because you show it.

Speaking of Nick, he showed a lot of character development in this chapter. I like the fact that, even though he’s so enraged about his mother’s refusal to tell him about his father, he still reached out to her in his grief over Paul’s death—honestly, that’s something that seems really realistic and relatable for a person of his age. He really is just a kid, after all, and horrors as profound as this really will shock him deeply. I think the scene of Nick crying on his mother’s shoulder showed us both the fact that he is young and vulnerable and doesn’t really hate his mother, and the fact that he’s so horrified that he’ll cling even to a person who he’s so angry at he can hardly face her most of the time. I also like the continuing development of his kindness and generally loyalty to Korrow as they both kind of struggle to find a place in this world and this situation; and how that contrasts with the way he gets so quickly irritated by the people on the street staring at him. Nick seems like a really conflicted character, and I can’t wait to discover more about him.

I do think, though, that Nick’s grief over Paul faded kind of fast. You did a good job developing it while it was there, but in the very nest scene, it seems like Nick’s a lot more interested in his father’s whereabouts rather than the fact that his best friend has just been brutally murdered. I can understand not wanting to think about it, but it seems like Nick’s the kind of person who tends to dwell on these things, like he did with his father’s disappearance. I’m just worried that Paul’s going to become something of a Forgotten Fallen Friend, killed off for drama and then ignored while more plot-relevant things happen, which can be a little unrealistic.

Otherwise, though, I’m certainly intrigued. Things definitely just got real in this chapter, and I’m excited to know where exactly they’re going to be headed. There’s a lot of potential here, and I can’t wait to see it develop, to find out how Korrow is related to this plotline, what happened to Nick’s father, and how it relates to Michael. I hope this helped, and I’m totally looking forward to the next chapter. See you then!
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

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One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah