Young Writers Society

Sorry this post has been deleted. Sorry for any inconvenience.

She was headed to a small cottage, at the end of town. It had a small vegetable garden in the back, and a flower pot hung in the window. When Akaira came near, a gentle, old woman appeared at the door. The woman was known as Healer Audrie. She had tanned, leathery skin. Her face was lined with wrinkles, and had a large smile on it. Akaira was her apprentice. Though tonight she would become a full Healer.

'Her face was lined with wrinkles, and had a large smile on it' doesn't really feel right. What about: 'her smiling face was lined with wrinkles'.....?

“Is your dress ready, Akaira?” “Yes Ma’am,” replied Akaira.” Well then, let me see it.” Akaira took out a light blue dress. It had a dark blue ribbon around the waist, and long sleeves that hung over her hands. “It’s beautiful,” Audrie said sighing. ”I remember when I wore dresses like that, I used to be quite nice looking. Akaira and Audrie both laughed. “Well let’s get you into it,” Audrie said smiling.

'quite nice looking' isn't great. 'look quite nice' would be better.

A few hours later Akaira sat by the stream. She was worried. Audrie had told her to be ready in case anything happened. “But why,” she had asked Audrie. “Just to be on the safe side dear. You have heard of all the tails of the soldiers asking for us healers and us. You also have heard of what happens to the villages that refuse.” She was right. Akaira had heard these stories. “It can’t happen here. Nothing ever happens here. The greatest excitement we had in years had been when Mrs. Martlet had kicked her husband out of the house for three days, and that had happened two years ago,” Akaira thought her self. That still didn’t calm her. The truth was it had been bothering her for months. She just couldn’t get it out of her mind. It was a shadow in her every thought.

'Tales' not 'tails'.
You need a more decisive 'line' between when Audrie is speaking, and when Akaira is speaking.

“I should be happy for my self. Today I am becoming a full healer,” but some how that didn’t sound quite right. She was different from other healers. She had been taught how to use weapons, and she was an orphan. No one new who her parents were. She looked different from every one else. She had brown eyes and hair. Every one around Ravenswill had hair, and blue eyes. The only other time she had seen a different hair color had been when a lady had ridden in past Ravenswill to marry her future husband. Her hair had been red. She also ate meat. She had tried it once on a festival night. She had loved it. From then on she started hunting. Audrie and the other Healers didn’t eat the meat though.

If you are going to capitalize some of the times when you use the word 'Healer', do it everytime, to keep the idea that its a role, not just a job.

On one of these hunting trips Akaira had discovered her special ability as a healer. She could hear animals thoughts. She could also talk to them. She nearly stopped eating meat because it, but she loved the taste of meat to much. Because many Healers had that gift she was taught how to ignore her power while hunting.

You never actually explain what a 'Healer's' gift is, apart from the fact that they can 'hear' animals (which isn't any material use to humans anyway).

Right then Riata came out and gave Akira a kiss. Akira smiled. There she was little Riata, always there. Riata looked at her in her calm way. It always seemed like she could hear your every thought. “Don’t worry so much Akaira it is your one day, but be careful. I do not want you to die out of carelessness,” said Riata sternling. Well it’s time to go. She touched her shoulder. After this day she would have a Healer Mark on that shoulder. The symbol was from the ancient language. Sadly no one knew what it ment. Akira sighed, she had always been interested in what symbols meant.

'Sternling'???!!! Sorry, but there is no such word. 'Looking stern' or something like that is better.

She knew her branding would hurt. The apprentices master would brand them. Each Healer had a ring. On the ring was the symbol. The Healer would press it to their apprentice’s shoulder. The magic in the ring would leave an irremovable mark on the persons shoulder. It was said to be extremely painful. It was also said to give you a horrible shock of pain when you strayed from your path. Luckily, only Healers have the brand.

Here you say that the apprentices master would brand her, but then Audrie does it.......


I don't have time to critique the rest. It needs a lot of work, and some grammer/spelling corrections, but I think it could turn out alright if you re did it a bit. It rushes here and there, and there is no definet break between scenes. I didn't like it, and it didn't hold my attention. There wasn't enough emotion, and some parts were very confusing. I'm not sure how this would continue, as you seem to have put the whole story into one chapter.....

Anyway, all the best for continuing.

*I can't believe I'm giving you a deep crit. I NEVER do this. You owe me, dude*



Down the streets of Ravenswill, walked Akaira. *I WOULD SAY, "AKAIRA WALKED DOWN THE STREETS OF RAVENSWILL," BUT EVEN THAT IS TOO VAGUE. YOU SHOULD SAY WHAT STREET, OR AT LEAST NOT TRY TO BE SO...FORCEFUL. IT'S LIKE YOUR TRYING TO INTRODUCE YOUR AUDIENCE TO AN UNKNOWN PLACE ABRUPTLY. WHILE THAT WORKS IN SOME CASES, THIS ISN'T THE WAY TO DO IT.* A small smile touched her lips, and there was a light spring in her step. *GOOD WAY TO GET YOUR AUDIENCE TO KNOW HOW SHE FEELS. "SMALL SMILE" IS A GOOD DESCRIPTION. i DON'T REALLY LIKE THE *LIGHT SPRING* THING, BECAUSE WHO REALLY DOES THAT?* She wore a white blouse, brown pants, and knee high boots. *BROWN PANTS ARE UGLY, I'M JUST SAYIN'* Her hair was brown, and pulled back behind her head. *I WOULDN'T SAY "PULLED BACK BEHIND HER HEAD. I WOULD SAY EITHER JUST "PULLED BACK" OR "PULLED BACK IN A PONY TAIL" OR A "HALF-UP" OR "WITH A HEADBAND." DON'T BE SO VAGUE* On her belt she carried bags of herbs. *WHOA! WAY TO SLAP US IN THE FACE W/ THAT. TRY TO BE MORE SUBTLE* At her heels walked a medium sized dog called Riata. *I WOULD SAY, "A MEDIUM SIZED DOG CALLED RIATA WALKED AT HER HEELS." CUTE THOUGH* It’s fur was light brown and its eyes were amber colored. It had pointed ears, and a slight curl in the tail. *CUTE*


She was headed to a small cottage, at the end of town. It had a small vegetable garden in the back, and a flower pot hung in the window. When Akaira came near, a gentle, old woman appeared at the door. The woman was known as Healer Audrie. *NICE* She had tanned, leathery skin. *NICE DESCRIPTION. OVERUSED, BUT NICE* Her face was lined with wrinkles, and had a large smile on it. *I WOULD SAY, "HER WRINKLE-LINED FACE CRACKED WITH A SMILE" BUT THAT'S JUST ME* Akaira was her apprentice. *AGAIN, SLAP ME IN THE FACE, THANKS* Though tonight she would become a full Healer. *MAKE THOSE LAST TWO SENTENCES ONE SENTENCE*

“Is your dress ready, Akaira?” *PARAGRAPH HERE*“Yes Ma’am,” replied Akaira.” *PARAGRAPH HERE, ADD PARENTHESIS* Well then, let me see it.” *PARAGRAPH* Akaira took out a light blue dress. It had a dark blue ribbon around the waist, and long sleeves that hung over her hands. *PRETTY! THOUGH VERY SIMPLE* *PARAGRAPH!!!!* “It’s beautiful,” Audrie said sighing. ”I remember when I wore dresses like that, I used to be quite nice looking. *PARENTHESIS* Akaira and Audrie both laughed. “Well let’s get you into it,” Audrie said smiling.

A few hours later Akaira sat by the stream. *OKAAAY THEN, WAY TO JUMP AROUND* She was worried. *SLAP ME IN THE FACE WITH IT! LET THIS SHOW THROUGH HER ACTIONS, NO NEED TO SAY IT FLAT OUT, IF YOU MUST SAY IT FLAT OUT THOUGH, IMBELLISH IT A BIT. "SHE WAS WORRIED" IS BORING. Audrie had told her to be ready in case anything happened. *VAGUE, PARAGRAPH* “But why,” she had asked Audrie. *PARAGRAPH*“Just to be on the safe side dear. You have heard of all the tails of the soldiers asking for us healers and killing us. *I WOULD SAY, "AND THEN KILLING US* You also have heard of what happens to the villages that refuse.” *PARAGRAPH*She was right. Akaira had heard these stories. “It can’t happen here. Nothing ever happens here. The greatest excitement we had in years had been when Mrs. Martlet had kicked her husband out of the house for three days, and that had happened two years ago,” Akaira thought her self. *IF SHE THOUGHT IT TO HERSELF, IT SHOULD BE IN ITALICS, NOT PARENTHESIS* That still didn’t calm her. The truth was it had been bothering her for months. She just couldn’t get it out of her mind. It was a shadow in her every thought. *NICE SENTENCE*
“I should be happy for my self. *MYSELF* Today I am becoming a full healer,” *WHO TALKS TO THEMSELVES? AND WHO DOES SO LIKE THAT? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ANYONE? PROBABLY NOT BECAUSE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. EVEN IF THIS IS IN A FARAWAY LAND, IT SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE REALISTIC DIALECT* but some how that didn’t sound quite right. *NO KIDDING IT DIDN'T!* She was different from other healers. She had been taught how to use weapons, and she was an orphan. No one new who her parents were. *WHAT? NO ONE KNEW WHO THE ORPHAN'S PARENTS WERE? SHOCKER THERE! AND AGAIN, SLAP ME IN THE FACE WITH IT ALL. YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BE DESCRIPTIVE WITHOUT BEING...STRAIGHTFORWARD* She looked different from every one else. She had brown eyes and hair. Every one around Ravenswill had blonde hair, and blue eyes. *COOL PLOT DEVELOPMENT* The only other time she had seen a different hair color had been when a lady had ridden in past Ravenswill to marry her future husband. Her hair had been red. She also ate meat. *SAY, AKAIRA ALSO ATE MEAT* She had tried it once on a festival night. She had loved it. From then on she started hunting. Audrie and the other Healers didn’t eat the meat though. *OKAY...THAT SOUNDS WRONG. YOU SHOULD SAY, "SHE ALSO ATE MEAT WHEN NONE OF THE OTHER HEALERS DID." THEN THAT PART ABOUT THE FESTIVAL*

On one of these hunting trips Akaira had discovered her special ability as a healer. She could hear animals thoughts. She could also talk to them. She nearly stopped eating meat because it, but she loved the taste of meat to much. Because many Healers had that gift she was taught how to ignore her power while hunting. *OMG WAY TO BEAT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH IT. PLEASE TRY TO BE A BIT MORE...LESS STRAIGHTFORWARD. YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO WRITE MORE...POETICALLY*

Right then Riata came out and gave Akira a kiss. *OF COURSE, BECAUSE DOGS ARE always KISSING PEOPLE. PERHAPS ANOTHER DESCRIPTIVE AJETIVE IS IN ORDER* Akira smiled. There she was little Riata, always there. Riata looked at her in her calm way. It always seemed like she could hear your every thought. “Don’t worry so much Akaira it is your one day, but be careful. I do not want you to die out of carelessness,” said Riata sternling. *CUTE!* *PARENTHESIS* Well it’s time to go. She touched her shoulder. After this day she would have a Healer Mark on that shoulder. The symbol was from the ancient language. Sadly no one knew what it ment. *SP, MEANT* Akira sighed, she had always been interested in what symbols meant.


She knew her branding would hurt. *OOOH OOH, BRANDING! NOW YOU'RE MAKING IT JUICY!* The apprentices master would brand them. Each Healer had a ring. On the ring was the symbol. The Healer would press it to their apprentice’s shoulder. The magic in the ring would leave an irremovable mark on the persons shoulder. It was said to be extremely painful. It was also said to give you a horrible shock of pain when you strayed from your path. Luckily, only Healers have the brand. *WOWSERS, I LIKE THAT. NICE IMAGINATION, DUDE, THAT ROCKS. IT'S JUST SLIGHTLY MORBID, BUT EVERYONE LIKES MORBIDNESS*

Akaira walked slowly and deliberately. Her shoulders bare, but a strand of cloth that were there to help keep the dress on. *SAY, "BUT for A STRAND OF CLOTH THAT was THERE..." Her hair was held out of her face in a bun, with wavy strands of hair flowing out. *PRETTY* Two framed her face, while the others hung down to create a flowing elusion. The bun was spun with light blue ribbon to match her dress. *CUTE* She looked stunning compared to her normal self. *SAY, "COMPARED TO HOW SHE NORMALLY LOOKED," OR JUST CUT THAT LAST PART OUT, YOU DON'T NEED IT REALLY* It usually took hours to organize her hair, and Akaira thought the health of the villagers and their animals were more important. But, today Healer Audrie said it was her special day, and made her stay to do it.

She walked to the town square. It was filled with people. The ladies out of politeness complimented her on how nice she looked, but Akaira could see their sneares. They all thought her hair was hideous compared to the others. *OOOH, MEAN PEOPLE!* Akaira had to agree. They also laughed at her heritage, for no one knew it. *WOW, THAT'S GOOD WRITING RIGHT THERE* She had been abandoned at Healer Audrie’s door step. Audrie a kind hearted soul took her in as her apprentice. She had taken a great risk. It was a great honor to be a Healer. It gave you much authority.

Many of the villagers had disapproved. This was meant for one of their daughters *COMMA* not an outsider. The other girls giggled behind their hands. Akaira knew she was not beautiful. Most of the other girls spent their time looking pretty for future husbands. In Akaira’s opinion none of the eligible village men were very good. *PARAGRAPH* The fire light shone on Master Thom. His face lined with age, but he was the best swordsman she had ever met. He had taught her how to use the sword, quarter staff, and the bow. *COOL, COOL* In the end she had been able to beat him, but she suspected that was because of age. *NICE* She walked over to him. His kindly smile shone on her like a warm summer sun. *GOOD ANALOGY* He was her only true friend. It was midsummer’s night’s eve. The villagers would not have come to just see here branded. There was much laughing and singing. You could smell the mutton roasting over the fire filling the air with a smoky smell. A musician had come and was playing on his fiddle. The other young woman were dancing. Their bright skirts twirling out around them creating a beautiful pattern of colors. Their partners laughing and twirling them in circles to be caught another. This dance was a town favorite it was called the happy wind. Every one was smiling. It was wonderful. *NICE DESCRIPTION!*

Healer Audrie arrived wearing a dark green dress that brought out her bright blue eyes. The dancing stopped. Every one turned torwards were Audrie stood. She cleared her throaght and said “Watch *COMMA* all for our newest Healer comes. She has learned how to heal and how to be wise. Listen to her well for she holds as much and maybe more wisdom than I“. Someone giggled. Audrie frowned and drew herself up. It went quiet again. She continued as if there had beign no inturuption, “Make a path for the wisdom of our future comes.” As she walked forward she could see the villagers snearing at her. Their going to throw me out once Audrie dies thought Akaira, causing a shiver to run down her back. *WOW, COOL* She quickly sat on the chair provided for her. Audrie took out the ring that hung from a cord around her neck. “The power of the elements gives me this gift grant you one of the best Healers to be to serve this village of mine,” said Audrie. She then pressed the ring on to Akaira’s shoulder. Pain shot through Akaira’s body. It felt as though her flesh was being torn apart piece by piece. She wanted to scream and cry at the same time, but something kept her from doing so. *AMAZING DESCRIPTION*

Suddenly it stopped. Audrie smiled and said “I give you the ring of Bringing, so when time comes you may bring the us another Healer.” Suddenly an arrow flew through the air and hit the wall of one of the houses. A man yelled “Bring the Healer and any apprentice and there will be no other killing.” Master Thom grabbed Akaira’s and Audrie’s hands and pulled them away from the other villagers. “Run,” he said, “Get to your horses and leave as quickly as you can.” “I will meet you at the village Rockten.” *THAT IS INCREDIBLY ABRUPT, AND QUITE CONFUSING, I HAD TO READ IT SEVERAL TIMES TO UNDERSTAND IT. TRY TO BREAK IT UP MORE AND EXPLAIN IT. STILL, ONCE EXPLAINED WELL, THIS WILL BE A NICE DEVELOPMENT. I KNOW YOU FEEL HURRIED WHEN YOU WRITE THINGS LIKE THIS, FOR EXCITEMENT, BUT THERE IS NO NEED TO RUSH WHAT GOES ON. WHEN YOU ARE THE AUTHOR, TIME ONLY GOES AS QUICKLY AS YOU MAKE IT, AND YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO DESCRIBE WHAT'S GOING ON*

He then pushed Akaira and Audrie forward. They began to run. *SAY, THEY RAN* Suddenly Audrie fell. An arrow stuck out of her back. *OMG! THAT WOULD BE AMAZING IF YOU WOULD DESCRIBE IT RIGHT.* Akaira turned her over. *MY GOD THEY'RE RUNNING, DON'T STOP NOW FOR GOD'S SAKE!* “Go to Rockten and warn the Healer there. Then go to the next villages and do the same till all of the Healers are been warned. Please do this,” said Audrie. Her eyes began to glaze. “Go,” said Audrie. Akaira looked up and saw one of the village men with a bow and an arrow pointed at her. Akaira got up and ran. Audrie’s last wish weighing on her like a heavy pack. She whistled and Riata and Lira, her grown gelding, came running down. *NICE DEVELOPMENT! GOOD JOB GIVING HER A HORSE!* Akaira leaped onto Lira drawing her sword and shield. The arrow came flying at her. She caught it on her shield. Anger burned in her like molten metal. *OMG, NICE DESCRIPTION* She rode down on the man and chopped his head off in one flowed motion, and rode on. *OMG, AMAZING! WAY TO MAKE A GIRL CHARACTER NOT AFRAID TO BEAT SOME ASS!* She rode out of Ravenswill. Anger driving her forward better than any food could. She rode on hearing laughter follow her. No one thought she would survive. The soldiers following her most likely thought it would be an easy chase. She felt tears flowing from her eyes. *INSTEAD OF FLOWING, SAY "FORMING"* She felt despair creeping up on her. She fought it down with every ounce of her being. *AMAZING DESCRIPTION* She rode on, Riata at her heels. The branches tore at her face and hair, causing blood to run down her face. She felt pain shoot through her. *AWESOME. AMAZING. LOVE THE GORE*



Tom rode his horse, Clerreick, down the lane. *I THINK THIS IS A NEW SECTION, SO SPECIFY THAT CLEARLY. ONE SECOND THIS GIRL IS RIDING, THE NEXT SOME GUY NAMED TOM COMES INTO THE PICTURE* The wind blew through his black hair. The sun shone on his green eyes. *CUTE* The girls he past smiled or winked at him. He grimaced. When he had been younger the attention had been fun, but after awhile the others had begun to get angry. Last night had been the Celebration. All the girls had crowded around him, causing nerves to wear thin. *OOOH...HAHA NICE DEVELOPMENT* Suddanly he heard a scream. He galloped up ahead. He arrived in time to see an arrow prutrooding from the new Healer’s back. She had been a pretty girl, he thought. His father’s voice tore him from his thoughts. “Go to you houses or my inn and fetch any weapons you can find. We need to protect the children,” Tom’s father yelled. *CUT THOSE LAST THREE WORDS YOU DON'T NEED THEN* All the men seemed to turn as one and run. Tom turned Clerrieck around and galloped full speed torwards the inn, warning all he saw. He leapt off of Clerrieck and ran to his room. There he grabbed his bow, quiver, and sword. He dashed out and swung into Clerrieck’s saddle. He saw the soldiers were nearly on the town. He heard a child wailling and saw her knealing by her mother’s dead body. *OMG AMAZING DESCRIPTION* He galloped over to her and grabbed her. The girl began to cry harder. He tried to sooth her to no use. The soldiers were closing in. One was aiming right at him. Suddenly, all he could think about was the girl. He put her in front of him and rode for all he was worth up the town hiding behind buildings as often as he could. He finally found a group of men guarding a group of children. He put the little girl down with the others. He then turned around and galloped off to try and help the others. He got out his bow and aimed it.

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okay i know I'm really harsh but i'm only trying to help you make your story the best it can be. As it is, it's very good, though quite amateur. Keep writing and I'm sure you'll become an amazing writer some day, you have some very good ideas, all you need to do is hone your writing skills a bit and you could be a world renouned writer, I'm sure.