Young Writers Society

[pre]Myro is the land of beauty, magic, peace, and a great sadness. The current year is 1374. The land has been at peace for the last 170 years. In the year 1204 monsters gathered to to try and take over Myro. A mass number of monsters marched toward the Myro capital city of Minnur. By the time word reached the king the monster had already began an assault on the city. The kings army helped the king escape as they prepared for a bloody battle. Within 3 days Minnur was a graveyard. The once beautiful city lay wasted and littered with blood and bodies. The night the battle ended the moon had turned to an unholy green. For 75 days and nights the battle was fought for the land of Myro. Villages fell and forests burnt down. One night the monster leader found out where the king was hidden. The monsters marched toward this keep which was hidden in the woods far from Minnur. The monsters began to ravage the keep where the king was.[/pre]

[pre]The leader of the monsters walked into the throne room where the king was. The king himself stood calm and collected as the leader approached him. As the leader stepped into the light it was revealed that he looked nothing of his followers. He looked almost human. His skin pale white and his eyes cold and unforgiving. He was dressed in a cloak. His head hooded. The king noticed that he did not have hands but instead sharp claws the dripped with blood. As he walked toward the king he had a sickening smirk upon his face. Drops of blood trailed the leader as he walked toward the king. Suddenly 4 guards of the king ran into the room. The leader of the monsters simply pointed a finger at the spot they were. A cage of fire surrounded them. It become smaller and smaller with every step the monster leader took toward the king, until while standing in front of the king screams of pain echoed though out the throne room. The leader looked into the kings eyes without fear. The king did the same.[/pre] [pre]A young warrior by the name of Ryan ran into the keep to try and save the king. When he entered the throne room he seen the ashes and burn mark on the floor in front of him. He then looked to where the king should be sitting. The monster leader sat in the throne and the king lay on the ground in a pool of his own blood. It looked as though a wild animal attacked him. A large hole in his chest was the cause of death. In his rage Ryan ran upon the monster's leader with a desire for revenge burning in his eyes. The leader had gotten up and grinned as if he had no worries. The warrior drew his sword and with one slash everything went quiet... Outside of the keep the moon shone once more of green. Then a scream from the castle echoed the night. In the throne room the monster leader and the warrior lay on the floor. The warrior's arm had been cutten off by the leader's claws. The leader lay on the floor in 2 pieces. The warrior summoned all his strength to get up. He then picked up his sword and walked toward the leader. He lifted his sword and simply simply said," Back to hell with you." He drove the sword into the monster's heart. As the sword dug into the leader's flesh is broken into 2 halves down the middle[/pre].

[pre]The warrior Ryan survived on to become king of Myro. He ordered that the sword split into 2 be made into 2 separate swords and put away in the keep he had killed the monster's leader. He also declared Minnur to be a cursed and forbidden city. The people left what was once the most beautiful of citys to a horrid hell hole. Without their leader the monsters gave up the battle for Myro and began to live their lives on their own terms. It was as though Myro could once again become a a great land as it once was. And that it did. A new city was built and named Drattle. The new capital city of Myro. A monument of the king before was built in the center of the town. The next concern on the king's mind was protection. If another war were to rage as the on before did before they would not be able to protect handle it. So the king called for 18 of Myro's best mages to come forth. He ordered that he wanted orbs of power made. An orb of fire, an orb of water, an orb of earth, an orb wind, an orb of death, an orb of spirits, an orb of knowing, an orb of ice, an orb of lightning, an orb of speed, an orb of love, and orb of remembrance, an orb of magic, an orb of nature, an orb of healing, an orb of fighting, an orb of time, and an orb of life. The king asked of the mages once the orbs were created to give one orb to a village or town that matched each orb best. The king than stopped the mages with the life and death orbs. He asked those 2 if they would venture out and leave those orbs in the throne in Minnur. The king knew each of these orbs could protect each town if used right. So all 18 orbs were put where they belong. The king kept the orb of time in his scepter. A royal servant than asked the king," Why did you spread the items out like that my lord?" The king answered his servant," If there was an attack and they overpowered the castle would you like to see them get their hands on those orbs? There's been enough death for this lifetime."[/pre]

[pre]The king soon wed a beautiful women named Analisa and had 1 son. He named the boy Royt. Ryan and Analisa put all their love into the child so one day he would grow to be a kind king. Years went on and the boy became corrupt and black hearted. The king seen through the child and became worried. He and the queen had another child. This time being a girl he named her Lumai. She grew up to be kind a pure. Royt dispised his younger sister as her wanting to do whats best for the people and him wanting to do only what benifits himself. 30 years passed and the king had become deathly ill. On his death bed the king argued Royt on a basis. "Father, tell me where the orbs are," Royt demanded. The king coughed. "Royt. I see you not as my son. Your intentions are only for yourself and yourself only. Begone and allow me to die in peace," the king replied. Soon enough the king had died. His wife the queen took over until Lumai was old enough to take over the throne. Royt out of anger left the castle and the city of Drattle. 10 years passed without word of Royt. The land of Myro was at a time of peace and prosperity. Then one day Royt came back to the castle claiming to be a changed man. He asked all guards to leave the room so he could talk with his sister. Soon after Royt took hold of the throne. What happened to Luma people all over began to ask. Royt soon sent out word that she left the throne to him and went her own ways. A party of mages even placed a truth spell on Royt and asked if he done anything to his sister. He replied no. The spell said he was true. So 134 years later Royt holds the throne. People simply thought that Royt told the truth of Lumai. No one knew though, that Royt had paid a visit to Minnur during those 10 years....[/pre]

I've read the start and it's pretty good, I don't have time on my hands right now so I'll post my review when I'm done.

Corrections in red. Comments, suggestions, and grammatical errors in green.

Myro is the land of beauty, magic, peace, and take out "a" here great sadness. The current year is 1374. The land has been at peace for the last 170 years. In the year 1204 monsters gathered to to try and take over Myro.Somewhere in those last few sentences you need to combine them- a lot of short sentences is not good. A "mass number" is to vague- give a closer approximation, or use a better word like "an endless horde of monsters." of monsters marched toward the Minnur, the capital city of Myro. By the time word reached the king the monsters had already begun an assault on the city. The king's army helped him escape as they prepared for a bloody battle. Within 3- as a general rule, always write out single-digit numbers. Also, it usually looks better to write out any number if it's an amount. days Minnur was a graveyard. The once-beautiful city lay wasted and littered with blood and bodies. The night the battle ended, the moon had turned take out "to" here an unholy green. For 75 days and nights, the battle was fought for the land of Myro-- a bit wordy, consider simply putting "Myro" here instead. Villages fell and forests burnt down. One night, the monster leader found out where the king was hidden. This sentence is a bit uninteresting and could be better-worded. Consider something like "One night, the leader of the monsters discovered the king's hiding place." Also, you might want to describe the night a little bit (One dark, starry night... etc.), or say "Emporer" or "King" (or other such title) instead of "leader." The monsters marched toward this keep, which was hidden in the woods far from Minnur. The monsters began to ravage the keep where the king was. --You could probably make this sentence more interesting- be more descriptive about how the monsters ravaged the place, or describe the keep before talking about the invasion of it, etc.


*takes a deep breath* Onto paragraph 2:

The leader of the monsters walked into the throne room where the king was --too wordy. Shorten it to "the king's throne room" or some such thing. The king take out "himself" here stood calm and collected as the leader approached him. As the leader try not to reuse the same phrase so close together, ok? stepped into the light, it was revealed that he looked nothing of his followers-- way wordy and awkward. Instead of revealed, tell it from the king's POV- "the king was surprised to see that the monsters were led by a creature far different from them" (lol, not quite less wordy, but it sounds better, right? That's what matters.) Also, if you do keep the sentence as it is, it's "looked nothing like his followers". He looked almost human, his skin pale white and his eyes cold and unforgiving. He was dressed in a cloak, his head hooded. The king noticed that he did not have hands, but had sharp claws that dripped with blood. As he walked toward the king he had a sickening smirk upon his face-- this is what you call a passive voice (or something). Just switch it up- "There was a sickening smirk on his face as he walked toward the king." Also, using a synonym for "walked" is a good idea. Drops of blood trailed the leader as he walked-- you use this (and similar phrases) way too much. Just look this paragraph over and mix it up a bit more. toward the king. Suddenly four guards of the king-- I suggest saying "of the king's guards" instead ran into the room. The leader of the monsters simply pointed a finger at the spot they were-- wordy. "them" would suffice. A cage of fire surrounded them. It become smaller and smaller with every step the monster leader took toward the king, until, while standing in front of the king-- would sound better as "when he reached the king"- otherwise it sounds like you're saying the screams are stnading in front of the king instead of the leader, screams of pain echoed though out the throne room. The leader looked into the kings eyes without fear. The king did the same. A young warrior by the name of Ryan ran into the keep to try to save the king. When he entered the throne room, he saw the ashes and the burn mark on the floor in front of him. He then looked to where the king should be sitting. The monster leader sat in the throne and the king lay on the ground in a pool of take out "his own" here blood. It looked as though a wild animal had (it happened in the past compared with a past-tense writing, so you have to add "had" attacked him. A large hole in his chest was the cause of death.-- sorry, no specific suggestions here, but you need to change this to an active voice, instead of passive voice. If you don't know what I mean, use the grammar check in Word or Works In his rage, Ryan ran toward the monster's leader, a desire for revenge burning in his eyes. The leader stood up and grinned as if he had no worries. The warrior drew his sword and with one slash everything went quiet... Outside of the keep the moon shone green once more. Then a scream echoed into the night from the castle. In the throne room the monster leader and the warrior lay on the floor. The warrior's arm had been cut off no other info needed- it is obvious that it was cut off by the leader's claws. The leader lay on the floor in two pieces. The warrior summoned all of his strength and stood up. He then picked up his sword and walked toward the leader. He lifted his sword and simply said, "Back to hell with you." He drove the sword into the monster's heart. As the sword dug into the leader's flesh is broken into 2 halves down the middle.-- not quite sure what you're trying to say here, but you need to fix it.


Last part later.

OK, Bobo's done most of the corrections my review is on the last part:

Please change the numbers!
"Within 3 days Minnur was a graveyard..." Three not 3, etc, etc.
"For 75 days and nights the battle..."
"Suddenly 4 guards of the king ran into the room..."
"The leader lay on the floor in 2 pieces..."
"broken into 2 halves..."
"the sword split into 2 be made into 2 separate swords..."
"the king called for 18 of Myro's best mages..."
"He asked those 2 if they..."
"So all 18 orbs..."
"had 1 son..."
"30 years passed..."
"10 years passed..."
"134 years later..."
"during those 10 years..."

He ordered that the sword split into 2 be made into 2 separate swords and put away in the keep he had killed the monster's leader... You can change this to look like this: He ordered for the sword to be split into two pieces and made into two separate swords, they would then be hidden away in the keep where the monsters leader lay buried..

The people left what was once the most beautiful of citys to a horrid hell hole... Did the people go and live in a horrid hell hole or are you trying to say Minnur became a horrid hell hole?

If another war were to rage as the on before did before they would not be able to protect handle it.... I know what your trying to say here but change this please. Suggestion: If a new army of monsters rose up to attack Dattle the kings army would not be strong enough to protect their people..etc, etc.

An orb of fire, an orb of water, an orb of earth, an orb wind, an orb of death, an orb of spirits, an orb of knowing, an orb of ice, an orb of lightning, an orb of speed, an orb of love, and orb of remembrance, an orb of magic, an orb of nature, an orb of healing, an orb of fighting, an orb of time, and an orb of life.
Phew! This is alot to take in and wears out the reader. Think about spliting these up into four groups.
1: Fire, water, earth, wind, lightening, ice.
2: Life, knowing, remembrance, time.
3: Love, healing, nature, magic.
4: Fighting, death, spirits, speed.

The king asked of the mages once the orbs were created to give one orb to a village or town that matched each orb best. The king than stopped the mages with the life and death orbs. He asked those 2 if they would venture out and leave those orbs in the throne in Minnur. The king knew each of these orbs could protect each town if used right. So all 18 orbs were put where they belong. The king kept the orb of time in his scepter. A royal servant than asked the king," Why did you spread the items out like that my lord?" The king answered his servant," If there was an attack and they overpowered the castle would you like to see them get their hands on those orbs? There's been enough death for this lifetime."
This whole section needs changing! Suggestion: Once the orbs had been created the king asked the mages to send each one to a village or town where the people would be protected by the orbs power, but the orbs of life and death were sent to Minnur. The king kept the orb of time for himself and once was asked why he spread the other orbs out into the kingdom and kept one for himself. He replied, "If there was an attack on the castle would you want our enemies getting their hands on those orbs?".

The king soon wed a beautiful women named Analisa and had 1 son. He named the boy Royt. Ryan and Analisa put all their love into the child so one day he would grow to be a kind king. Years went on and the boy became corrupt and black hearted. The king seen through the child and became worried. He and the queen had another child. This time being a girl he named her Lumai. She grew up to be kind a pure. Royt dispised his younger sister as her wanting to do whats best for the people and him wanting to do only what benifits himself.
This could be so much better if you took time to explain what you want to say. Suggestion: That summer (or spring) the king married a beautiful woman called Analisa. The whole kingdom celebrated the event by gathering around Dattle while the king and his new bride rode through the streets. In a years time the queen gave birth to a baby boy whom they named Royt. Ryan and Analisa loved the boy with all their life hoping one day he would be a great king. But as the years went by Royt became spoilt and always demanded for more than he already had. When Royt was eight years old (or maybe a little older you decide) the queen came birth to a baby girl. The king and his wife were delighted and called her Lumai. The princess grew up kind and gentle, and was loved by everyone. Royt despised his sister and grew angry and jealous of her.

30 years passed and the king had become deathly ill. On his death bed the king argued Royt on a basis. "Father, tell me where the orbs are," Royt demanded. The king coughed. "Royt. I see you not as my son. Your intentions are only for yourself and yourself only. Begone and allow me to die in peace," the king replied. Soon enough the king had died. His wife the queen took over until Lumai was old enough to take over the throne. Royt out of anger left the castle and the city of Drattle. 10 years passed without word of Royt. The land of Myro was at a time of peace and prosperity. Then one day Royt came back to the castle claiming to be a changed man. He asked all guards to leave the room so he could talk with his sister. Soon after Royt took hold of the throne. What happened to Luma people all over began to ask. Royt soon sent out word that she left the throne to him and went her own ways. A party of mages even placed a truth spell on Royt and asked if he done anything to his sister. He replied no. The spell said he was true. So 134 years later Royt holds the throne. People simply thought that Royt told the truth of Lumai. No one knew though, that Royt had paid a visit to Minnur during those 10 years....
I think for the last part you rushed it a bit and didn't think about the story. Suggestion:As the years went by the king grew old and was ill on many occasions. One day he became so deathly ill that he called for Royt to see him. Royt sat beside his father’s deathbed and the thoughts of being the new king ran through his mind; the only thing he wanted to know was where the king had hidden the legendary orbs. “Father, tell me where the orbs are,” he said looking down at the dying king.
The king coughed and glared up at Royt. “Royt, when I pass into the other world you will be the next king, I always believed you would rule well but these past few years I have watched you become a self-centred young man. I have decided that Lumai will be the next ruler of Dattle, now begone and allow me to die in peace.”
Royt left the city of Dattle without a word and no one knew where he went. Meanwhile Lumai ruled the land of Myro and the kingdom was at a time of peace and prosperity.
After ten long years Royt returned home. He asked the guards to leave so he would be able to speak with his sister in private. What happened next was a mystery, Lumai was never seen again and Royt was her successor. The lands mages gathered together and marched to the castle and demanded to speak with the new king, they were allowed to have their say and convinced Royt to drink a truth serum. They questioned him about Lumai and Royt told them that his sister had decided to give up the throne to her brother and had gone to live elsewhere. The mages shook their heads in disbelief but left the castle. And so for over one-hundred-and-thirty-years Royt ruled Myro. His people believed his story about Lumai’s decision but no one knew that Royt had spent his ten years of isolation in Minnur…


Your story is interesting in someplaces but then you say somethinng to make it sound absurd, if you make the changes suggested your story would be really good and would actually keep people reading all the way. I can't say anymore than I have.

LOL, I think that's gonne be enogh crits for a while, eh?

I'm glad I only reviewed the last part because I think I would have said too much for the beginning.