Young Writers Society

A PROLOGUE that i threw together, I'm getting the idea for a story from this, critic it to your hearts content.

The Cornish coast loomed in my binoculars. Almost home. I scanned the beach for signs of an unwelcome welcoming party. I could see nothing. The boat moved steadily closer. I left my spot just above the bridge and went to my cabin, checking everything was ready. The boat suddenly lurched hard to one side. I failed to go with the roll and hit my shins on the bunk. Muttering curses i moved to the door. On deck the crew were yelling and running. The boat lurched once more, followed by the sound of splintering wood. Smoke poured out from below decks. I made my way quickly to the bridge.

"What's wrong?" I asked

"Sea mines!" the captain was looking harrased. "Moored mines i reckon" He turned away from me. I was already racking my brains for all i knew about moored mines. It was basically a powered mine in a torpedo shape. They would be attached to the sea floor by cable, the nose of the mine would have a small sona device and it would seek out surface ships. When one came into range, the cable would release and the mine would power its way to the source of its contact. There was little a surface ship could do to avoid a moored mine.

“Just get the crew into a life boat and go!” I shouted over the sound of another mine. “You will be searched, but you did not know me, you never heard of me, just go!” The captain nodded unhappily. I went to the navigation board, where a crew member had just marked our position. The map in hand I ran from the bridge as the ship was hit again. The ship banked to the port, throwing me out the door. I managed to grab a railing and swearing, I made my way down to my quarters as the rest of the ship’s crew went up on deck. In my room I quickly found it. I ran back to the back end of the ship, where the engine had died a minute before.

I lifted the box and flung it over the side. I watched it sink. There was a little bubble of air, and it was gone, 18 months of work committed to the sea. A load of water came onto the boat and sent me sliding to the other side. I raced back to the bridge as the first lifeboat was lowered. Time to leave, these people had done what they could, i had come this far with them, the rest i could do alone. I pulled off my shirt to reveal the wet suit I had on underneath. I pulled from a cabinet an aqualung and the diving gear. I put it on and put the map in a water-proof bag into the wet suit. I waved to the captain, went outside, put on the fins and flopped backwards of the boat. I let the sinking ship go by, and then set off inland. I looked up every now and then to see where I was going, I soon saw the cliffs. They went from horizon to horizon. The only way up would be that narrow gap at the other end of the beach. To my right there was just sand, miles and miles of soft, white sand. To my left was a long cleft of rock that went right up to the cliff face, the only way out for many miles. I went to the left. It was soon to shallow for the aqualung. I took it off and let it sink into the sand. Looking around, I could see unwelcome guests running down the pass. I took a moment to study the cliffs. These cliffs were eroding, and often large pieces of rock would just fall away, leaving footholds, I could go up the cliff face, then I could run into the town, and be free. I slipped from the water and darted to the first cleft of rocks.

I was hidden before the first man stepped onto the beach. I made my way up the cleft, being silent and keeping a look out for any more men coming close. It was bad luck I was seen, I was close to the cliff, so I went for a last look. A man was looking right at me. I pulled my head back as the alarm went off. I ran to the base of the cliff. Ahead I could see a short track leading up. I went up it, it was covered in sharp slate and my hands and feet soon where bleeding. I was running for my life, and could bare no thought to the pain. At the top of this path, there was a thin ledge that lead up into the cliff. Up I went, I just had to go up. At the end, I ran out into a platform, a wide slab of rock, jutting out from the cliff face, where the rock underneath had fallen away. There was no way on. I looked to the cliff as dark clouds ran in from the sea. I glanced back down, watching figures what were my enemy moving swifty towards me. The water was lighted for a moment by another mine, the ship was gone. I could see people in the water, thrashing and gaping. They had known I was coming. No time to think, had to get away. I took a hold on the cliff face and climbed. I worked my way up, look for hold, take hold, climb, settle into a rythem. I looked up and I could just see the top of the cliff. Behind me, I could hear shouts, but no one was following me up. It started to rain. Thick splashes hit my face and ran off the end of my nose. I could see another platform to my right. I got to it and rested. There was very little light, i could just make out figures below, looking up, looking at me and not seeing me, it was too dark. It would be only moments before someone thought to light a torch. Up again, up to the top. I took a hold and went. Five meters, ten meters, fifteen meters. It was then it happened. A strong light trained it'self on me. I had a small hold under my feet, to small, because, with a crunch, my feet slipped back into nothing. At that moment a gust of wind swept over the cliff, flinging me out, away from the cliff. As I came crashing back to it. It hit the wall face first. A pain went down my face, the side of my face, and over my ribs. I hung on for grim death. But the hold I had would not take all of my weight. My fingers started to slip. I scrabbled for a hold with my toes, feeling as I did the blood run down the bottom of my feet, making it harder to get a grip on the wet stone. I was again thrown back into nothing when my fingers gave out. I fell down, down, until I hit the ledge fifteen meters below.



NOTE - Has been edited

"I shouted over the sound of another depth charge. "

Depth charge...now, unless I'm just being an idiot, what's that? If most people don't know what it means, include a footnote about it or just place it in context so that we get the main gist of it.

'“You will be searched, but you did not know me, you never heard of me, just go! Where are we?” '

'DO YOUR HOMEWORK! DO YOUR CHORES! MAKE YOUR BED! Can I have sugar with that?'

Oy, that's what it sounded like to me. Either get rid of the 'where are we' or put a break between the 'you will be searched...' and that bit.

'depth charge.'

You seem to like that phrase a lot...If I knew what it meant (!!) I'd help yeh find other words for it.

'There was a young boy, screaming as the boat went down. I took hold of him and tossed him into the water as near as I dared to the boat.'

This was a bit awkward to me. Again, why are we flinging screaming children into the water?

'the shout of alarm went off.'

That's a clever play on words, but not here. It makes you go, 'what the heck is a shout alarm?'

'I went up it, it was covered in sharp slate and my hands and feet soon where bleeding.'

Er...wouldn't this at some point be painful? On the boat too, she's being flung against random walls and it doesn't seem to bother her any.

' I took a hold on the cliff face and climbed. Look for hold, take hold, climb. It was a cycle.'

Easily combined!

'I climbed in a methodic, grueling cycle; look for hold, take hold, climb.'

The ending is very awesome though, so I won't rip that apart. WAHOO! Sam got her Critiquing High for the morning. *waves* Bye bye!

Same said exactly what I was going to with one point.

There is a bunch of wild stuff going on, and the characters whose percpective the entire story is in is numb to it all.
Whats going on in your characters head is a priceless facet of inrofmation that you can develop stories with to no ends. The reader usually reacts to the story through the narrator. So we need to know how to feel at the moment, or else people wont know if the character is escaping off the boat, killing everyone on it, hijacking it, trying to save it, or what.

P.S. I also dont know what a depth charge is. No idea whatsoever.

When I saw that depth charges were being used, I thought it was a submarine.

A depth charge is a barrel of explosives that can be adjusted to explode at certain depths. When the charge explodes, it sets off a shockwave which increases water pressure in a certain radius. They are indirect fire weapons and are not especially accurate, but have a large area of effect.

They were used extensively during World War II as an anti-submarine weapon. They are not used for ship to ship combat. Instead, deck guns, torpedoes and anti-ship missiles are used. Depth charges are not good anti-ship weapons, simply because they are set to detonate at a certain pressure. If it were set to the same air pressure as is found at sea level, the weapon would detonate before it would reach the target.

Now for the story itself.

See Rincewind for information on the story flow.

I think this isn't a proper prologue. Prologues usually will give information as to the situation that the protagonist is in and a problem that the protagonist is attempting to solve. Without this, it is simply a guy getting hunted down and killed. His mission, identity, and side is unknown.

You don't introduce action this early, you use the prologue to introduce the setting and plot, where you use the early chapters to develop the characters, with action scenes mixed in. Even in the intense action books, they will have pauses in between battle where they develop their character.

About the character. He seems to be doing some pretty silly things for a man fleeing for his life.

For one, he is climbing a sheer cliff to escape.

Climbing a cliff does nothing to help you because it makes you vulnerable to enemy fire, while putting you in a position where you are unable to defend yourself. This makes it a massacre.

Also, he is taking too much time reflecting on the death of the ship. No person is going to do that reflection because he is being chased. He needs to hide NOW. He needs to find a hiding spot NOW. He has to get away NOW. In the heat of the moment, he has no time.

Also, you need to explain what these platforms are. They aren't those floating platforms in video games are they? What do they do?

Thanks for the advice, thats really useful as i dont normaly write Prologue's so i'll take the advice to heart. I'll most likely change the bit about depth charges, it was all i could think of at the time. Something to note however, Sam, you refer to my character as "she" while Griffin thinks its a "he" I've not mentioned any gender, i just thought it was interesting to point out.

Its called the Lady Spy, my assumption was the main charcter is the lady spy.

I really never do care much for titles. If I did pay attention...

As a general rule (for me anyway) if I don't see any gender specified I default on male, instead of do the normal he/she/it bit. I could go back and edit my post if you want.

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Me too...hmmm...

No, dont edit it, i just thought it was strange thats all, that a Male would think the character was male, and the female would think it was a female.

I'm not female, and I thought it was a female.
I guess im just the only observant one who paid attention to the title

I found that quite interesting, although I got lost at the start.
There has to be more! Isn't there?
I'm interested to hear who this character actually is and what is her history.
How long is your story going to be?