Young Writers Society

I took it down, as I was informed that having a book I wanted to publish out all over the internet opens me up to be plagurized. Um... duh. So, sorry.

This was a fairly enjoyable read. But I had several problems with the way it was written. For one, it was just a bunch of one liners put together. A few stuck in there at the heat of the moment are good for comic relief, but not for an entire piece. Secondly, this was almost entirely dialogue. I LIKE dialogue, but I like description and emotions WAY more. Grammatically, you did a fair job. A few typos, but whatever.

was where he had retired to.

"was where he had retired" gets the job done much more efficiently.

I wish you put more emotion into this. I'm fond of emotions. They really bring a story to life. Readers relate to stories with emotions. I felt absolutely nothing while reading your story, except maybe mild amusement.

But oy! Mainly, change either Nicole or Nicholai's name pronto. It is fictional murder to have characters with similar sounding names unless it is a plot point.

I glared at him and said, “David. Leave her alone, you moron.”
“Never!” he yelled, his evil laugh reverberating off the rafters.
“David,” I gritted. “Let her go.”
He did so grudgingly and said, “You’re no fun.”
“David, do I have to remind you that the only reason we’re here is because of you? ‘The break of a lifetime,’ you called it.”

You say David three times in a short period, and that doesn't read smoothly, or sound natural. In fact, the wittiness of this dialogue sounded extremely unnatural...very forced.

Mostly, vampire stories bore me, and this reminded me of a TV pilot for Roswell, but I was able to get through it all, which says something...a good something.

So...right...my advice would be to just stick with writing, but try to expirement with emotions more. And try not to do the whole three gus in love with one girl thing, which is totally what this first chapters looked like.

See you around the boards
-Sarah

Um... yes. I realize in this version, Nicole and Nicholai are both in it. In the one I edited, his name is Gabriel. Sorry about that.

Mainly the lack of emotion (what little there is, and there is some, is carried through dialogue) is just because this is one of the opening chapters and it's not meant to be full of emotion- yet. There will be more as the plot, um, thickens. Or get torn apart into a million different directions, I should say. I'm sick of vampire stories with dark brooding heroes and the whole "paying for my sins for eternity" stpries. I wanted one that was fun. Which is probably why I skimped on the emotion, for fear of turning it into one of the formentioned stories. I'll work on that.

And, yes, I do have a tendancy to use the characters names... a lot. I'll edit that and keep it for further reference in my other stories.

Have never seen Roswell, so do not know what to say to this comment.

One liners... unfortunately cannot part with those. They create Nicole's character. Most teenage girls (all of the ones I know, anyway) do not use elaborately put together sentences and stick with short, abrupt ones, to get to the point more quickly. I used that with Nicole so that she seemed more like a normal teenage girl. And you, know, it's my style of writing also.

And, at the moment, David is not in love with Nicole, Gabriel will turn out to be more of her big brother (romance is never on his or her mind) and William... well, yes, he is slightly obsessed.

Thank you for your critique and I'll try to use most of it when I edit my story.

Sorry about the Roswell thing. It's just...a town where weird things always happen, and the opening lines just made me think of it. Of course, their problem is aliens, not vampires...

Glad you changed the name, that really freaked me out!

I look forward to the development of the story...good luck with it.

I love this story. It's not the norm. I mean, you hear about these vampire books and there all creepy and dark and stuff but you make it fun.
It's not too serious or too funny either. I mean, it's not perfect but it's really good. For you.....
And yeah, it's better if you change his name to Gabriel. But I like Nicholai better. I think you should change her name.....But, it's not my story.
So, over all I'd give this story a 7 outta 10 and I give you permission to claw my eyes out for writing this post.