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Eyes of the Empire Chap. 2



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Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:32 pm
onceuponatim3xo says...



Here's chapter one if you want to read it. You don't have to, but if you don't you probably won't understand the first few paragraphs :)

I hope you like it! :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHAPTER TWO

It hadn’t always been like this. There was a time that was simpler and not as horrible. It felt like so long ago, even though only a year had passed since then.

I didn’t have my visions back then, the Empire was going strong, and I was still naïve to the world’s cruelties. Nothing could wrong back then, but then, it did.

*~*~*~*

*One year ago*

“Down in the valley where the green grass grows, there sat she as sweet as a rose, she sang, she sang, she sang so sweet, along came he to kiss her on the cheek, how many kisses did she get that week?” a girl chanted and jumped with the rhythm as my friend, Kirsten, and I flipped the jump ropes this way and that for double dutch. “One… Two… Three… Four…” She counted, but was out on ten.

“Okay my turn,” Kirsten said as she handed the other girl her ends of the jump ropes. “Down in the valley where the green grass grows, there sat she as sweet as a rose, she sang, she sang, she sang so sweet, along came he to kiss her on the cheek, how many kisses did she get that week? One… Two… Three… Four…”

She got out on twenty-eight.

“Great job, Kirsten!” I grinned. She was always good at double-dutch. Sometimes she liked to show off by jumping with one foot or even touching her foot with her hand. I wasn’t good at jumping though, most of the time I would fall flat on my face from tripping on the rope. So, I moved the jump ropes for everyone else instead of actually jumping.

“Now you try,” Kirsten prompted smiling at me, she tried to take my jump rope handles.

I could feel my cheeks turning red and my palms getting sweaty as I held the handles in a tight grip. Unable to come up with an excuse not to jump, I feebly said “no thanks.”

“Gwen, I did it, now it’s your turn.” Kirsten pleaded. “It’ll be fine.”

“I just, I… “

“But, Gwen-” Suddenly she jerked her head around, stared at something behind her for a few seconds, then turned back toward me. She seemed confused and a little frustrated.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Well… I keep feeling like I’m being watched, but whenever I look, there’s no one there.” She glanced behind her again and I followed her gaze.

I was used to Kirsten telling me that someone was watching her. She always thought that someone was, but there would never be anyone there. Sure enough, when I looked around I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, there were just kids coloring with chalk, playing four square, and having a game of Freeze-Tag. Behind all of them was the tall, wooden private fence that blocked the orphanage off from the rest of the world.

“I don’t really see anyone…”

“Oh.” Kirsten - whom was clearly irritated - flipped her beautiful, long hair in a dismissive gesture and we dropped the conversation.

“Okay, who’s going to jump?” The other girl asked impatiently. She held the jump ropes lazily in her outstretched hands.

Kirsten ignored her and I wasn’t sure what to say so I did too.

“C’mon you guys, who wants to jump?” She asked again, her voice edging toward bitterness.

Noticing the negative change in the girl’s voice Kirsten finally answered out of spite, “I don’t really want to play anymore, this is getting boring.”

The girl frowned, “This isn’t boring,” then she turned to me, her eyes piercing, “is it?”

I glanced at Kirsten who was glaring intensely at the other girl. They didn’t get along very well but she had the jump ropes before us, so we had to be nice to her in order to jump.

If Kirsten thought it was boring, then, well… “It’s getting a little dull.” I flinched in anticipation for the girl’s angry reply.

She huffed, then looked from Kirsten to me and mumbled in a voice full of venom “just because you’re Kirsten’s best friend doesn’t mean that you have to be exactly like her.”

That stung. I turned to Kirsten to see if she would say anything to that, but she just pursed her lips. Then, she turned to me and said “do you wanna play four square?”

Of course she wouldn’t reply to that, the girl was addressing me after all, but, I wasn’t able to say anything to her either. Anyway, would I want to play four square? “… Not really.” I wasn’t good at it and I didn’t like losing frequently in games.

“Okay, what should we do then?” She asked.

“Um,” I felt an arm around my shoulder and I turned to see that flawless chocolate-colored complexion, dark hair, and those big brown eyes that I knew so well. “Hey Henry.”

“What’s up girls?” He smiled to reveal his full white teeth.

“We’re just trying to figure out what we should do for recess,” I replied.

“A bunch of us are playing kickball, you wanna play?”

“Do you, Gwen?” Kirsten asked.

I nodded, “yeah, sure.” Kickball was really the only sport I was good at.

“Great!” Henry led us to the small gathering of kickball players. Kirsten and I seemed to be the only girls, but then I saw Nikki. She stood tall and proud, her beautiful caramel skin set her apart from the other pale and sickly girls in the orphanage. Nikki was the strongest and fastest out of all of the kids. So there was no doubt that the team captains would be fighting over who gets her on their team.

A boy named Preston called out to all of us, “okay, let’s get this started you guys. Who are the team captains?” Preston always seemed to be the one to take charge. At his words, there were many debates over who should be the captains. He quickly sorted it out though, “all right, will all the people who want to be captain step forward.” Most of the group went forward, excluding me and a few others. “Now, we’re going to vote on the captains. Who wants…” He named off the people in the group and the person who had the loudest cheering won as captain; Henry and some other boy won. Next, the team captains took turns choosing their team players. I went into Henry’s group, but Kirsten went into the other’s.

It was a fun game. One time I kicked the ball extremely far and got so excited that I accidentally mowed Kirsten right over onto the ground while running the bases. Even after many apologies, she repaid the favor. Nikki was on my team, so of course we won. She got us four home runs and gave our team six additional points, for a total of ten out of the fourteen points that we ended up with. To my surprise, I actually got our team a point. When the game ended Henry pat me on the back and said “good game” I smiled and agreed. Soon afterwards, our warden called us all in for dinner.

The macaroni and cheese jiggled at my fork’s touch. As un-appetizing as it looked, it actually tasted somewhat good. The milk was sour though. I sat with Henry and Kirsten and we talked about all of the amazing slides Nikki had done during the kickball game, and how Henry got us two home-runs.


After dinner, we all went off to finish our daily chores. This time, I had to hand wash the dishes from breakfast, lunch, and dinner. A tedious chore. But, Nikki was helping me and she made it fun by playing the radio loudly and singing and dancing along with the tune while she rinsed off and dried some plates. She wanted me to do it too, but I could feel my face flush a deep crimson and wouldn’t. After a while of seeing her singing and dancing with the radio, I felt awkward not joining in, so I quietly sang with her. Hearing my voice, she turned to me and grinned, then she grabbed a spoon to use as a microphone and held it up for both of us to sing into. My voice sounded mediocre compared to the proffesional singer’s voice and Nikki’s beautiful voice, but I tried not to notice too much or I wouldn’t be able to keep singing.

Then when the guitar solo came Nikki dropped the spoon and played her own air guitar, urging me to do it along with her. I hesitantly did. I awkwardly put my hands up and strummed the imaginary strings, I was strumming them way too slowly compared to Nikki and I could tell she wanted me to do it faster and be more animated. I attempted to do it like her and then I started to get into it, playing it how I thought the band would play it - slow at certain times and fast at others.

The warden, Miss Abby, came into the kitchen and I quickly turned off the radio so as not to get in trouble for slacking. But then she said teasingly, “why’d you turn it off? That was my favorite song!”


When we finished cleaning the dishes, I left the kitchen to go to bed. When I got to the room that Kirsten and I shared, I noticed that she was already fast asleep in the bunk above mine. So, I quietly tip-toed over to my bed and nestled into my blankets, hoping not to wake her.

Sleep overcame me instantly and I found myself nodding off.

“Sweetie, are you all right?” She stroked my hair, her concerned eyes looked into the ones with sadness in them.

“I’m fine, mom. Just tired,” I rubbed my eyes, as if to prove it.

“Oh, do you want to take a nap?” She grabbed the pillow off the couch nearby and held it up.

“No, that’s all right, I’m just gonna hang out in my room,” I got up to leave.

“Sweetheart, don’t forget that you agreed to go to the store later to pick up a few things for the house.”

“Okay,” I climbed the stairs to my bedroom.

But, my mom stopped me before I got too far, “actually, Gwen, it would be great if you could go up to the store right now.”

“Yeah, sure, no problem.” I ran up the stairs to grab my shoes and left the house to go to the bus stop.

After I bought the things on the list I was given, I came back home via bus. Bags covered my arms and it was a relief to set them down on the floor. But, when I looked up - I saw that the house was ransacked. Belongings were strewn across the floor, and a few things were missing.

“Mom?” I called out. “Mom, dad, where are you?”

No answer, only an eerie silence.

“MOM?! DAD?!” I screamed over and over, falling to my knees crying.


~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke with a start, my breathing heavy. Another nightmare. I pushed back my hair and fixed my sheets, wiping a tear away from my eye. It was always a different dream, but it always involved my parents. I actually never even knew my mother. Nor did I know my father. They’d abandoned me at three years old and I was sent here, to Davinburke Orphanage.

I’d had these nightmares ever since I could remember and I grew used to them. When I was little though, these nightmares would get to me and I’d spend the whole night crying. But I eventually got over it.

I looked at the green LCD clock across our room, it read 3:47 AM. I shut my eyes and tried to think of something happier to help me fall back asleep, such as seeing Miss Abby sing and dance along with the radio while helping us clean the dishes. I smiled and nuzzled up to my pillow, hoping for a better dream.

It was a dreamless sleep though, and I soon found myself being woken to Kirsten shaking me and calling my name to wake up. I rubbed my eyes sleepily and yawned. Then I slowly sat up. “What’sss todayy?” I slurred and squinted, but I only saw blurs.

“It’s Friday…” Kirsten replied. “FIELD TRIP!!”

I covered my ears. It was too early for her to be yelling so loud.
“Oh, sorry,” she mumbled noticing my discomfort.

Kirsten was a morning person. I wasn’t. It usually took her a few seconds to completely wake up, while it took me a few hours.

“Where are we going?” I asked, my voice slurring a little less.

“I heard Miss Abby say that we might be going swimming,” she replied, a little quieter this time for the sake of my ears.

“Really? That’s awesome.”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun.”

“C’mon girls gettup!” Miss Abby opened our door and shouted. Being a warden, she was the one that took care of us and watched us - and told us to get up if we hadn’t already. She was young, in her late twenties, a tall and thin woman. Her sandy brown hair was put up in a messy bun and she seemed tired.

“But I’m already up.” Kirsten pointed out.

“All right, well, Gwen wake up.”

Are you serious? I collapsed from my seated position to lying down again. “But, I’m soooo tired,” I complained.

Miss Abby yanked the sheets off of me and I tried to pull them back over myself. But she dropped them to the floor where I couldn’t reach, “oh fine.” I rose from my bed and rubbed my eyes again.

Kirsten laughed and said teasingly, “yay, she’s finally up!”

“Good. Now, the sooner you get ready the sooner we can all go on our field trip.” Miss Abby coaxed.

“Are we going to go swimming for sure?” I asked.

“Yes, if we can all mange to walk to the pool without misbehaving.” Miss Abby sighed, “those boys always act up - well, most of them do, not that Henry, he’s a sweetheart.” Kirsten and I smiled, as if the compliment was toward us. “I’m glad that Mister Camden is here though, he’s a lifesaver sometimes.” Mister Camden was the male warden. “All right, well I have to go; many more kids to wake up.” She smiled and left our bedroom. Once she was out of sight, I lay back down on my bed.

“C’mon Gwen! You have to get up!” Kirsten attempted to pull me out of bed without much luck.

“Five more minutes,” I grumbled.

“No, you have to get up now!” She whined.

“I’m too tired, just let me rest.”

“Come on, let’s go.” She tugged at my arm.

“Nooo!” I moaned. “Please, just leave me alone.”

Suddenly, I felt my body moving and hands pushing my stomach. Then, before I knew it I fell onto the floor. “Hey!”

Kirsten smiled. “All right, well, let’s get ready.” She opened our shared dresser and threw some clothes at me.

We dressed and walked the bare hallways to the girl’s public bathroom and attempted to get a spot near the mirror. Many of the girls were raking at their hair with brushes or washing their faces with the water from the sink. Looking in the mirror, I saw that my curly, golden-brown hair was tangled and shot up every which way, meanwhile Kirsten’s orange colored hair was perfect - it held straight at the top and at the end near her shoulders it rippled in small waves. We brushed our hair (although Kirsten didn’t really need to) and we washed our faces like the others. My hair looked much better after being brushed, it spiraled in large curls to hang just below my shoulders. Sometimes, out of habit, I would pull on one of my curls and let go for it to slingshot back in to place.

“Are you ready?” Kirsten asked, staring in the mirror and finishing some last minute touches to her hair. Then she turned to me, inquisitive.

“Yeah, but I have to get my hat first.” I replied and opened the bathroom door about to get it, but Kirsten stopped me.

“Do you have to?”

“Yes, of course! People will stare if I don’t.”

“Gwen, they won’t stare!”

“Yes they will.” I said.

“No they won’t,” her cutting tone was one that could finish the conversation, but I was determined to get my way.

“They will.” I walked to our room, ignoring everything she said to me.

“They aren’t going to stare!” she repeated loudly several times while I rummaged through the dresser, looking for my hat. I could’ve sworn that I’d left it right on top of the nightstand in our room.

If only she could understand what my hat meant to me. “Kirsten, they will-” I started to mumble to her, but she interrupted me.

“No!”

Miss Abby came in the room, “please stop shouting girls. What’s going on in here?”

“Gwen’s trying to get her hat and I keep telling her she doesn’t need it.” Kirsten complained.

“Yes I do.”

Miss Abby wrapped her arm around my shoulder, unlike Kirsten she knew what a big deal the hat was to me, surely she’d let me wear it. “Sweetie, you don’t need your hat.” I grumbled at her words and she continued. “No one’s going to stare. If anything, they’ll be jealous of how unique you are. I wish that I had two different colored eyes.”

“No you don’t! You’re lying! Like you’d want to be a freak like me. Yeah right.” A single tear escaped my left blue eye and fell to the floor. Then another escaped my right brown eye and accompanied the other. Then, before I could stop it, I was crying hysterically, taking in sharp gasps of air every few seconds.

I had been born with two colors of eyes. And, because of it I always had the thought in the back of my mind saying that maybe my parents had abandoned me because of them. “It’s just… I just…”

“It’s all right Gwen, it’s all right,” Miss Abby comforted me, patting my back. “You can wear your hat if you feel best that way.”

I smiled tearily, “thank you.” I found my hat under my bed and pulled it down to cover my eyes. I could see, but it was harder for others to notice the difference in my eyes.

“Okay, are you ready now?” Kirsten asked.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Kirsten was always trying to get me to not wear the hat, but I just had to.


*****
“Stay in line,” Miss Abby called out.

“Anyone who leaves the line will be sent straight back to the orphanage,” Mister Camden added with a stony face. He usually helped out during field trips, but Miss Abby was really the one in charge. Because Mister Camden was at an older age and had bad eyes and hearing, he wasn’t able to take care of so many kids. So, the authority was passed down to Miss Abby when she was hired after the previous female warden, Miss Helga, quit. Miss Helga was a bitter old woman with a short temper and nasty attitude. Most of us thought that she got so sick of us that she ran away from the orphanage and never came back. Mister Camden had said that she would visit, but after the two years since she did quit, she never did.

“Are you all ready to go?” Miss Abby asked, snapping me back to the present. We all mumbled “yes” and shuffled out the front door groggily.

It was a beautiful Summer day. The trees and grass were a healthy green color and the sun was bright, its golden rays turned the city a honey color. We went to the community indoor pool which was a lot of fun, Kirsten and I played marco polo with a few other girls, while Henry and the boys played underwater tag. We came back to the orphanage around four o’clock and took showers to wash off the chemicals from the pool.

When I came out of the shower in my bathing suit - which we had to wear whenever we showered - I wrapped my towel around my head to dry my hair faster and patiently waited for Kirsten to finish showering. After a while, I decided that she was taking too long to wait for and so I got dressed, a bad idea. The moment I finished dressing and opened the curtain to the changing room stall, she splashed me with ice cold water. My shirt was drenched and it felt like needles against my skin. I shivered and closed the curtain to keep her from splashing me again. “What was that for?!” I shrieked, still shivering from the wetness.

“For being so self-conscious! Did anyone stare at you when you had your hat off to go swimming?”

“No,” I mumbled.

“See! I told you no one would stare.”

“But-”

“But nothing, you’re perfectly fine the way you are and you need to stop covering it up!”

I huffed, but resigned from the argument. Feeling that I was safe from getting splashed again, I drew back the curtain. Kirsten was facing the floor, drying her hair with her towel. She looked up at the dark wet spot on my shirt and grinned, “you might want to run your shirt under the hand dryer. Sorry if it was cold.”

I walked over to the hand dryer by the sinks. The girl’s shower room had a bathroom in it too and I’d usually change in the stalls if the changing rooms were full. Today we were taking our time though, and apart from another girl we were the only ones there.

“Are you almost ready?” I shouted over the blaring noise of the dryer.

“Yeah, let me get dressed and we’ll go outside.”

After we finished showering, we had recess. Kirsten and I played jump rope (this time separately instead of double dutch. I was a little better at individually jump roping). And Henry ran off to play soccer with the other boys.

We were just about to challenge each other to see who could jump the longest (I already knew that Kirsten would win) when; “Kirsten Mae Barnett?” Someone asked from behind us. We turned to see a man dressed in black, wearing dark sunglasses.

“Yeah?”

“Follow me.” He walked on.

She hesitated. When the man noticed she was not following him, he beckoned for her to come. She still didn’t follow, probably too confused to move. I lightly pushed her toward the man. She was acting silly by not going with him, he was most likely someone who wanted to adopt her - although he was being very formal about it. I secretly hoped that he wouldn’t adopt her though, I didn’t know what I’d do without her.

Kirsten slowly followed the man, looking back at me with uncertainty in her eyes.
Last edited by onceuponatim3xo on Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Wed Jun 25, 2008 12:18 am
Dustfinger says...



Hey. I liked this one too! :)
Again a few things you should clarify:
`
“MOM?! DAD?!” I screamed over and over, falling to my knees crying.

I woke with a start, my breathing heavy. Another nightmare. I pushed back my hair and fixed my sheets, wiping a tear away from my eye. It was always a different dream, but it always involved my parents. I actually never even knew my mother. Nor did I know my father. They’d abandoned me at three years old and I was sent here, to Davinburke Orphanage.


You defenently NEED something to seperate the dream and reality.
Looking in the mirror, I saw that my curly, golden-brown hair was tangled and shot up every which way, meanwhile Kirsten’s orange colored hair was perfect


Earlier when they were jumping at the jump rope you said her hair was blonde. ???

Thats all.

AAAAAaaaaaa!!!!!!
I cant wait for the next chapter!!!!!!!
PM me when its out k? Please hurry!!!!!!!

:wink:
:D
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Mon Jul 07, 2008 4:22 pm
Twit says...



As this is really long, it'll be in two parts, sa?


Nothing could wrong back then, but then, it did.


Make it “nothing could go wrong back then…”

Too many “then”s too close together. Perhaps reword this sentence as, “Nothing could go wrong back then. Only it did.” Or something like that.


*One year ago*


This would look better in italics and without the asterisks.


“One… Two… Three… Four…” She counted, but was out on ten.


Small “s” on “she”.


I wasn’t good at jumping though, most of the time I would fall flat on my face from tripping on the rope.


Change the comma to a semi colon or “and”. “And” would flow better, I think.


So, I moved the jump ropes for everyone else instead of actually jumping.


The “so” just by itself is rather a flat way to begin, imho. Perhaps you could make it something like, “So, to save myself that embarrassment I moved the jump ropes for everyone else.” You can take out the last bit in bold as it’s redundant -- if she’s just moving the ropes, we get that she doesn’t jump herself.


“Now you try,” Kirsten prompted smiling at me, she tried to take my jump rope handles.


Make this, “Kirsten prompted, smiling at me as she tried to take the rope handles.” We know it’s a jump rope by now, and repeating it bogs the narrative down.


Unable to come up with an excuse not to jump, I feebly said “no thanks.”


It’s obvious that the excuse is to get out of jumping, so take the bolded bit out. Make it a capital n on “no thanks.”



Suddenly she jerked her head around, stared at something behind her for a few seconds, then turned back toward me.


This sentence is too long. Cut it into two: “Suddenly she jerked her head around, staring at something behind her. After a few seconds she turned back to me.” That way it has more punch, sa?


She seemed confused and a little frustrated.


You can show us that she feels this way in her dialogue. You do this in the next bit, so I’d take out the “and a little frustrated” part.


She always thought that someone was, but there would never be anyone there.


This is tame and wordy. Spice it up, make it shorter and more interesting.


Sure enough, when I looked around I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, there were just kids coloring with chalk, playing four square, and having a game of Freeze-Tag.


Too long, and the “sure enough” falls flat. Perhaps reword this as, “When I looked around I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Just kids coloring with chalk, playing four square and Freeze-Tag.”


Behind all of them was the tall, wooden private fence that blocked the orphanage off from the rest of the world.


Now this is good. You slip in the fact that they’re in an orphanage very smoothly.



Kirsten - whom was clearly irritated - flipped her beautiful, long hair in a dismissive gesture and we dropped the conversation.


Reword this. Perhaps, “Kirsten, clearly irritated, flipped her beautiful, long hair…”


“Okay, who’s going to jump?” The other girl asked impatiently.


Small t on “the”.



“C’mon you guys, who wants to jump?” She asked again, her voice edging toward bitterness.


You really don’t need the description here. Small s on the “she”. Always a small letter with a speaking tag.


Noticing the negative change in the girl’s voice Kirsten finally answered out of spite, “I don’t really want to play anymore, this is getting boring.”


Urgh, awkward. Perhaps something like, “Noticing the tetchiness in the girl’s voice…”

Noticing the negative change in the girl’s voice Kirsten finally answered out of spite, “I don’t really want to play anymore, this is getting boring.”


You need a comma between “voice” and “Kirsten” and the comma after “spite” needs to be a full stop.


The girl frowned, “This isn’t boring,” then she turned to me, her eyes piercing, “is it?”


This should be, “The girl frowned. ‘This isn’t boring.’ Then she turned to me, her eyes piercing. ‘Is it?’” Maybe you could add in her name, to make it more personal: “Is it, Gwen?”


I glanced at Kirsten who was glaring intensely at the other girl.


This isn’t needed, so take it out.



They didn’t get along very well but she had the jump ropes before us, so we had to be nice to her in order to jump.


This is rather boring. Perhaps reword it as, “Kirsten and she (you never tell us the other girl’s name btw) didn’t get along very well, but she had the jump ropes before us.”


She huffed, then looked from Kirsten to me and mumbled in a voice full of venom “just because you’re Kirsten’s best friend doesn’t mean that you have to be exactly like her.”


You don’t mumble with venom really. You mumble if you’re unsure, wanting to speak quietly. Also, her “huffing” seems out of place with the “venom” coming later. Huffing is more stroppy and childish, while venom is nasty.
You need a comma after venom, anyway, and a capital letter on “just”.



Then, she turned to me and said “do you wanna play four square?”


Take out the “then” as it bogs the sentence down. You need a comma after “said” and a capital letter on “do”.


Of course she wouldn’t reply to that, the girl was addressing me after all, but, I wasn’t able to say anything to her either.


It took me a few reads to work out just what this sentence was talking about. Make it clearer?


Anyway, would I want to play four square?


Would = “did” would go better.


“Okay, what should we do then?” She asked.


See the problem?


“Um,” I felt an arm around my shoulder and I turned to see that flawless chocolate-colored complexion, dark hair, and those big brown eyes that I knew so well. “Hey Henry.”


You’ve got Henry’s action here, so that makes me think that it’s Henry saying “Um” but I’m not sure because you’ve got Gwen’s “Hey Henry” at the end.


“What’s up girls?” He smiled to reveal his full white teeth.


Please tell me you see what’s wrong here?



I nodded,yeah, sure.”


Full stop after nodded, capital letter on “yeah”.



She stood tall and proud, her beautiful caramel skin set her apart from the other pale and sickly girls in the orphanage.


Ew, unhealthy orphanage. Why are they so sickly?
Set = setting.


Nikki was the strongest and fastest out of all of the kids. So there was no doubt that the team captains would be fighting over who gets her on their team.


Now here you should combine these two sentences to make a smooth whole. And hey, you switch tenses. Should be “… would be fighting over who got her on their team.”


A boy named Preston called out to all of us, “okay, let’s get this started you guys. Who are the team captains?”


Capital letter on “okay”.


He quickly sorted it out though, “all right, will all the people who want to be captain step forward.”


Full stop after “though”, capital a on “all right”. This seems rather stiff for kids playing ball. “Will all those people…” They probably aren’t that formal in the House of Lords.


He named off the people in the group and the person who had the loudest cheering won as captain; Henry and some other boy won.


Wouldn’t a show of hands be easier? You really don’t need to give us a minute by minute account of how they picked sides for the game. Trim this scene down.



When the game ended Henry pat me on the back and said “good game” I smiled and agreed.


Pat = patted.

Comma after “said”, capital g on “good game” and full stop to end the dialogue.



A tedious chore. But, Nikki was helping me and she made it fun by playing the radio loudly and singing and dancing along with the tune while she rinsed off and dried some plates.


Starting sentences with “but” is bad. Combine these two sentences and it’ll flow better.


My voice sounded mediocre compared to the proffesional singer’s voice and Nikki’s beautiful voice, but I tried not to notice too much or I wouldn’t be able to keep singing.


One f.


But then she said teasingly, “why’d you turn it off? That was my favorite song!”


Capital w on “why”.


“Sweetie, are you all right?” She stroked my hair, her concerned eyes looked into the ones with sadness in them.


Buh… whose eyes?


But, my mom stopped me before I got too far, “actually, Gwen, it would be great if you could go up to the store right now.”


No comma after “but”, full stop after “too far”, capital a on “actually”.


Bags covered my arms and it was a relief to set them down on the floor.


Covered = filled?


But, when I looked up - I saw that the house was ransacked.


No comma after “but”.


Belongings were strewn across the floor, and a few things were missing.


“A few things were missing”? This is a big moment! Make the words count! Make her notice things, details. Is the clock smashed? A vase overturned? The TV taken? Windows broken? Stains on the carpet? Paint the scene! Let us see it!



“MOM?! DAD?!” I screamed over and over, falling to my knees crying.


Don’t use capitals for emphasis or an exclamation and a question mark together as it looks unpro.



---

I'm enjoying this, so don't get put off by all that. ^ :D

The main thing here is that you go into too much detail on some parts and not enough on others. Like the part when you describe the rest of Gwen's day. You give us a minute by minute, line by line account of exactly what she did, how she did it, who she did it with. The washing up bit -- it told us about Gwen's character, which was good, but otherwise it was just boring. The team picking for the ball game -- boring and bogged down with way too much detail. Yet in other parts, like when you say about the ransacked house, you skip over what could be a really emotional scene and describe it blandly in a few, tame, neutral words.

If something's important and helps the story (like the ransacking scene, it's obviously important) then go into detail. If it isn't and doesn't (like the washing up and ball game scenes) then skim write.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


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Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:58 pm
Twit says...



I pushed back my hair and fixed my sheets, wiping a tear away from my eye.


This is purely personal, but I don’t like that phrase. Tears run off the end of one’s nose, trickle into one’s ears if one is lying down, but it’s rare that they behave well enough to send just one single tear to one’s eye solely in order to be wiped away. Meh. You can keep it, I guess, just something to consider.


It was always a different dream, but it always involved my parents.


Too many “always”s. Perhaps you could rephrase as, “It was a different dream each time, but it always involved my parents.”


I actually never even knew my mother.


Actually, even -- too many wordy words. Less is more, et al ad infinitum. I’d reword and take one of them out.


They’d abandoned me at three years old and I was sent here, to Davinburke Orphanage.


Doesn’t she remember anything about them? Three’s not too young to remember.


I’d had these nightmares ever since I could remember and I grew used to them. When I was little though, these nightmares would get to me and I’d spend the whole night crying. But I eventually got over it.


This isn’t terribly well worded. You have three sentences, and one says one thing, another another, the third a third. Anyway, you say she’s used to them by now, but she still cries about it?



I looked at the green LCD clock across our room, it read 3:47 AM.


Either start a new sentence here or change the comma to a semi colon.


I shut my eyes and tried to think of something happier to help me fall back asleep, such as seeing Miss Abby sing and dance along with the radio while helping us clean the dishes.


Such as = like. This sentence is rather long as well, so consider trimming.


I smiled and nuzzled up to my pillow, hoping for a better dream.


*blenches* Not nuzzled, anything but nuzzled. Cuddled, buried her nose in, scrubbed her face on, squirmed comfortably, punched, hugged, embraced, anything but nuzzled!


It was a dreamless sleep though, and I soon found myself being woken to Kirsten shaking me and calling my name to wake up.


Long sentence again. Change it to something like, “It was a dreamless sleep though, and the next thing I was aware of was Kirsten shaking me by the shoulder.” Just makes it flow better, sa?


Then I slowly sat up. “What’sss todayy?” I slurred and squinted, but I only saw blurs.


If she’s having difficulty waking up, would she really sit up? Drag herself up perhaps. “Slurred and squinted” is too much. “Only saw blurs”? It sounds like she has really bad eyesight, only it doesn’t seem like she does. Perhaps reword to something like, “I dragged myself up. ‘Wha’ssup?’ I slurred.” The bit about it being blurry isn’t necessary.


“It’s Friday…” Kirsten replied. “FIELD TRIP!!


All caps and more than one exclamation mark is bad. How often do you see that in published books?


I covered my ears. It was too early for her to be yelling so loud.
“Oh, sorry,” she mumbled noticing my discomfort.
Kirsten was a morning person. I wasn’t. It usually took her a few seconds to completely wake up, while it took me a few hours.


This bit isn’t needed. We can tell that Gwen isn’t good in the morning, and that Kirsten is. Take it all out.


“Where are we going?” I asked, my voice slurring a little less.


Why doesn’t she know this already? Don’t you normally talk about field trips in advance?


“I heard Miss Abby say that we might be going swimming,” she replied, a little quieter this time for the sake of my ears.


Take this out, it’s not needed.


“C’mon girls gettup!” Miss Abby opened our door and shouted. Being a warden, she was the one that took care of us and watched us - and told us to get up if we hadn’t already. She was young, in her late twenties, a tall and thin woman. Her sandy brown hair was put up in a messy bun and she seemed tired.


This description of Miss Abby is out of place here. You introduced her earlier on, and that would have been the best place to describe her. Now, it’s like you forgot to before, so now you’re shoving it in just so we know what she looks like.


“But I’m already up.” Kirsten pointed out.
“All right, well, Gwen wake up.”
Are you serious? I collapsed from my seated position to lying down again. “But, I’m soooo tired,” I complained.
Miss Abby yanked the sheets off of me and I tried to pull them back over myself. But she dropped them to the floor where I couldn’t reach, “oh fine.” I rose from my bed and rubbed my eyes again.
Kirsten laughed and said teasingly, “yay, she’s finally up!”
“Good. Now, the sooner you get ready the sooner we can all go on our field trip.” Miss Abby coaxed.


You should either take this out or make it smoother. It hangs really heavy, like you’re just throwing stuff at us without a good reason.


“Are we going to go swimming for sure?” I asked.


Hhh? “Are we really going swimming?” is more realistic.


“Yes, if we can all mange to walk to the pool without misbehaving.”


This makes it sound like Miss Abby is including herself with the ones who might misbehave. :?



Miss Abby sighed,those boys always act up - well, most of them do, not that Henry, he’s a sweetheart.” Kirsten and I smiled, as if the compliment was toward us.


Full stop instead of a comma, and a capital t on “those”. The bit about Kirsten and Gwen smiling needs to be on a separate paragraph.


“I’m glad that Mister Camden is here though, he’s a lifesaver sometimes.”


He sometimes saves lives in his spare time, but not all the time, only when he’s got nothing better to do?


Mister Camden was the male warden. “All right, well I have to go; many more kids to wake up.” She smiled and left our bedroom. Once she was out of sight, I lay back down on my bed.
“C’mon Gwen! You have to get up!” Kirsten attempted to pull me out of bed without much luck.
“Five more minutes,” I grumbled.
“No, you have to get up now!” She whined.
“I’m too tired, just let me rest.”
“Come on, let’s go.” She tugged at my arm.
“Nooo!” I moaned. “Please, just leave me alone.”
Suddenly, I felt my body moving and hands pushing my stomach. Then, before I knew it I fell onto the floor. “Hey!”


Yeah, we get the picture that she wants to go back to bed, but this just drags.


We dressed and walked the bare hallways to the girl’s public bathroom and attempted to get a spot near the mirror.


This is rather long. Perhaps rephrase as, “We dressed and walked through the bare hallways to the girls’ public bathroom. (Here you could add in a sentence or two describing the bathroom. Is it tiled? White tiles? Whitewashed? Is there a carpet? More tiles? Plain wood? Is it crowded? Does Gwen recognize any of the other girls as friends?) We pushed past a girl drying her hands and attempted to get a spot near the mirror.” Something like that, you get the picture.


Looking in the mirror, I saw that my curly, golden-brown hair was tangled and shot up every which way, meanwhile Kirsten’s orange colored hair was perfect - it held straight at the top and at the end near her shoulders it rippled in small waves.


The “I saw” here makes it sound like she’s noticing this for the first time, like her hair’s changed over night.


We brushed our hair (although Kirsten didn’t really need to) and we washed our faces like the others.


Kirsten’s got long hair, right? And I’m assuming that she had it loose in bed, and she hasn’t touched it since she got up? If you have long hair loose in bed, it’s a nightmare in the morning. She would definitely need to brush it, unless she had it in a plait or something during the night.


My hair looked much better after being brushed, it spiraled in large curls to hang just below my shoulders.


Make that comma a semi colon, and it should be “spiralled.”


Sometimes, out of habit, I would pull on one of my curls and let go for it to slingshot back in to place.


Out of habit? Just for fun, perhaps?


“Are you ready?” Kirsten asked, staring in the mirror and finishing some last minute touches to her hair. Then she turned to me, inquisitive.


Take the bolded bit out, it just gets in the way.


“No they won’t,her cutting tone was one that could finish the conversation, but I was determined to get my way.


Full stop instead of comma, and capital c on “cutting.” The whole sentence would be better reworded, perhaps as something like, “‘No, they won’t.” Her voice was firm, as though to finish the conversation, but I was determined to get my way.”

And yay! Gwen’s finally standing up for herself. :wink:


If only she could understand what my hat meant to me.


Uh… That makes me laugh, and it shouldn’t. Try and say a similar thing in a less dramatic way.


“Kirsten, they will-” I started to mumble to her, but she interrupted me.
“No!” .


You don’t need the description to the dialogue, as the dialogue make it obvious. Reword:

“Kirsten, they will --”

“No, they won’t!”

And anyway, I don’t get why Kirsten’s making such a fuss. It seems like she’s been Gwen’s friend for a while now, so wouldn’t she understand why she needs the hat?


Miss Abby came in the room,please stop shouting girls. What’s going on in here?”


Full stop instead of comma and a capital p on “please”.


“Yes I do.”


I’d put in an exclamation mark here, as Gwen’s getting so worked up.


Miss Abby wrapped her arm around my shoulder, unlike Kirsten she knew what a big deal the hat was to me, surely she’d let me wear it.


Start a new sentence where the first comma is.


“Sweetie, you don’t need your hat.” I grumbled at her words and she continued. “No one’s going to stare. If anything, they’ll be jealous of how unique you are. I wish that I had two different colored eyes.”
“No you don’t! You’re lying! Like you’d want to be a freak like me. Yeah right.” A single tear escaped my left blue eye and fell to the floor. Then another escaped my right brown eye and accompanied the other. Then, before I could stop it, I was crying hysterically, taking in sharp gasps of air every few seconds.


This really needs rewording. It’s an important bit. Perhaps put something like,

“Sweetie, you don’t need your hat. No one’s going to stare at you. If anything, they’ll be jealous of how unique you are. I wish that I had different coloured eyes.”

“No you don’t! No one would want to be a freak like me!” A tear slid down my cheek and dripped off my chin. Then another followed it and before I could stop it, I was crying hysterically.


As she obviously likes her teacher, I don’t think she’d call her a liar, and the bit about the eye colour is awkward. You can slip in the different colours some other way. But Gwen just said that Miss Abby understood about her hat -- why’s she now trying to stop her wearing it?


I had been born with two colors of eyes. And, because of it I always had the thought in the back of my mind saying that maybe my parents had abandoned me because of them.


I don’t think you need this, it’s a bit redundant. The whole eye colour thing… If it’s such a big deal to Gwen, wouldn’t she have mentioned it before? Wouldn’t she be shy about it, try to avoid looking at other people, keep her head down?


I smiled tearily,thank you.”


Full stop instead of comma, capital t on “thank you.”


I found my hat under my bed and pulled it down to cover my eyes. I could see, but it was harder for others to notice the difference in my eyes.


The first sentence makes the second one unnecessary, so take it out.



Kirsten was always trying to get me to not wear the hat, but I just had to.


You don’t need this sentence as you’ve already shown this in the previous action.



“Anyone who leaves the line will be sent straight back to the orphanage,” Mister Camden added with a stony face.


Take it out, it gets in the way.


Because Mister Camden was at an older age and had bad eyes and hearing, he wasn’t able to take care of so many kids.


“At an older age”? “Was older” will do fine.


So, the authority was passed down to Miss Abby when she was hired after the previous female warden, Miss Helga, quit. Miss Helga was a bitter old woman with a short temper and nasty attitude. Most of us thought that she got so sick of us that she ran away from the orphanage and never came back. Mister Camden had said that she would visit, but after the two years since she did quit, she never did.


This isn’t needed. If Miss Helga’s important, you can introduce her later, but for now she’s superfluous. Take it out.


“Are you all ready to go?” Miss Abby asked, snapping me back to the present. We all mumbled “yes” and shuffled out the front door groggily.


Mumbled? Shuffled? Groggily? They’re going on a field trip, swimming! Wouldn’t they be excited, talking, giggling, whispering, planning what they’re going to do at the pool?


It was a beautiful Summer day. The trees and grass were a healthy green color and the sun was bright, its golden rays turned the city a honey color.


See, more reasons to be cheerful! I’d reword the second sentence. You’ve just said it’s summer, so duh the trees and grass are going to be green. Perhaps make it something like, “The wind ruffled the grass in the fields and rustled in the trees, making a puzzle of sunlight shine through the leaves onto the ground. The city was honey-coloured under the sun, its warm, sprawling streets humming with life and business.”


We went to the community indoor pool which was a lot of fun, Kirsten and I played marco polo with a few other girls, while Henry and the boys played underwater tag.


Oh, boring. You say that it was fun, but that isn’t enough. Show it! Describe the fun they had, spin it out into a paragraph, not just crammed into one flat sentence.


We came back to the orphanage around four o’clock and took showers to wash off the chemicals from the pool.


Everyone takes showers. You don't need to mention this.


When I came out of the shower in my bathing suit - which we had to wear whenever we showered - I wrapped my towel around my head to dry my hair faster and patiently waited for Kirsten to finish showering. After a while, I decided that she was taking too long to wait for and so I got dressed, a bad idea. The moment I finished dressing and opened the curtain to the changing room stall, she splashed me with ice cold water. My shirt was drenched and it felt like needles against my skin. I shivered and closed the curtain to keep her from splashing me again. “What was that for?!” I shrieked, still shivering from the wetness.
“For being so self-conscious! Did anyone stare at you when you had your hat off to go swimming?”
“No,” I mumbled.
“See! I told you no one would stare.”
“But-”
“But nothing, you’re perfectly fine the way you are and you need to stop covering it up!”
I huffed, but resigned from the argument. Feeling that I was safe from getting splashed again, I drew back the curtain. Kirsten was facing the floor, drying her hair with her towel. She looked up at the dark wet spot on my shirt and grinned, “you might want to run your shirt under the hand dryer. Sorry if it was cold.”
I walked over to the hand dryer by the sinks. The girl’s shower room had a bathroom in it too and I’d usually change in the stalls if the changing rooms were full. Today we were taking our time though, and apart from another girl we were the only ones there.
“Are you almost ready?” I shouted over the blaring noise of the dryer.
“Yeah, let me get dressed and we’ll go outside.”


This entire chunk is superfluous. You could just have Kirsten tell Gwen this on the way home from the pool and take out this entire bit. This is going into too much detail over something that could just be condensed into something smaller.



Kirsten and I played jump rope (this time separately instead of double dutch. I was a little better at individually jump roping).


The brackets aren’t needed. They’re wrong, in fact.


And Henry ran off to play soccer with the other boys.


Take out the “and”.


We were just about to challenge each other to see who could jump the longest (I already knew that Kirsten would win) when; “Kirsten Mae Barnett?” Someone asked from behind us.


This should be, “We were just about to challenge each other to see who could jump the longest (I already knew that Kirsten would win) when:

‘Kirsten Mae Barnett?’ someone asked from behind us.”


We turned to see a man dressed in black, wearing dark sunglasses.



Dundundundundundundundund. It’s A Man In Black! Please be more original Black suit, black sunglasses, and don’t tell me, he smokes and carries a gun in a violin case. This is a huge cliché. Make him have a blue suit, red tie with yellow horseshoes on, a baseball cap, a T-shirt with Spongebob on, anything except a dark suit and dark sunglasses.


“Follow me.” He walked on.


Oh my gawsh, he’s being like, sinister!



She hesitated. When the man noticed she was not following him, he beckoned for her to come. She still didn’t follow, probably too confused to move. I lightly pushed her toward the man. She was acting silly by not going with him, he was most likely someone who wanted to adopt her - although he was being very formal about it.


What the heck? Don’t they teach kids in orphanages about paedophiles, rapists, murderers, general perverts?? Doesn’t she watch TV? Even if Gwen is that naïve, I would have thought that Kirsten would have had more sense. You have got to change this. I mean got to. Seriously. If you don’t, the Daleks will come after you.


I secretly hoped that he wouldn’t adopt her though, I didn’t know what I’d do without her.


She could start living a little, imho. :roll:


Kirsten slowly followed the man, looking back at me with uncertainty in her eyes.


Too right she should be! I can hear the creepy music now! Little Red Riding Hood, won’t you come into my parlour said the spider to the fly, Jaws, helpless female…


---

Hokey! Don't get put off if all this seems really harsh. You can only get better by starting off in need of help, sa? This has the potential to be a good story, and your writing style is good -- you just need to twig when to go into detail and when to skim. Do you read a lot? Reading is one of the best things you can do to improve your style. Read all kinds as well, to get a wide variety and so you can compare. Just see how different PG Wodehouse is to Dickens, how different Terry Brooks is to Tolkein, how different Rosemary Sutcliff is to Mary Stewart.

You must change the man at the end. Men in dark suits and sunglasses have been done to death, and unless you're setting out to be deliberately unoriginal, you must change him. And Kirsten's behaviour -- don't they read the news? Watch TV? Heck, just by watching The Simpsons they should be able to guess that going with strange men is a big no-no if you want to live to buy alchohol.

Don't get discouraged! (And anyway, you did ask. :razz: ) Just practise, practise, practise!
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  





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Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:35 pm
Matthews says...



K, I'll review as much as I can right now.
Purple - comments
Red - changes
Italics - take out


CHAPTER TWO

It hadn’t always been like this. There was a time that was simpler and not as horrible. It felt like so long ago, even though only a year had passed since then.

I didn’t have my visions back then, the Empire was going strong, and I was still naïve to the world’s cruelties. Nothing could wrong back then, but then, it did.

*~*~*~*

*One year ago* It would be better in italics, or at least without the stars.

“Down in the valley where the green grass grows, there sat she as sweet as a rose, she sang, she sang, she sang so sweet, along came he to kiss her on the cheek, how many kisses did she get that week?” a girl chanted and jumped with the rhythm as my friend, Kirsten, and I flipped the jump ropes this way and that for double dutch. “One… Two… Three… Four…” She counted, but was out on ten.

“Okay my turn,” Kirsten said as she handed the other girl her ends of the jump ropes. “Down in the valley where the green grass grows, there sat she as sweet as a rose, she sang, she sang, she sang so sweet, along came he to kiss her on the cheek, how many kisses did she get that week? One… Two… Three… Four…”
Seems a bit boring repeating the chant.

She got out on twenty-eight.

“Great job, Kirsten!” I grinned. She was always good at double-dutch. Sometimes she liked to show off by jumping with one foot or even touching her foot with her hand. I wasn’t good at jumping. though, Most of the time I would fall flat on my face from tripping on the rope. so, I held the jump ropes for everyone else instead of actually jumping.

“Now you try,” Kirsten prompted, smiling at me,as she tried to take my jump rope handles.

I could feel my cheeks burningand my palms getting sweaty as I held the handles in a tight grip. Unable to come up with an excuse not to jump, "No thanks." I muttered feebly.Sounds better this way. You seem to have a lot of unnecessary repeats and words and sentences that don't need to be there.

“Gwen, I went, now it’s your turn.” Kirsten pleaded. “It’ll be fine," she added, knowing I disliked to embarrass myself.

“I just, I… “ Why doesn't she say plain out "No, I don't want to." She seems very timid.

"Gwen...” Suddenly she jerked her head around, staring at something behind her for a few seconds, then turned back toward me. She seemed confused and a little frustrated.How so? How does she portray confusion/frustration?

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Well… I keep feeling like I’m being watched, but whenever I look, there’s no one there.” She glanced behind her again and I followed her gaze.

I was used to Kirsten telling me that someone was watching her. She always thought that someone was, but there was never be anyone there. As usual when I looked around I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. There were just kids playing, while behind them stood the tall wooden fence blocking the orphanage from the rest of the world.

Uh, I don’t really see anyone…” Just adding things like "uh" makes it sound more...real. Like a person would actually talk. You have "fake" sounding dialogue quite a bit. I know it's really hard to make it sound real, so don't worry! Just work on it.

“Oh," murmured Kirsten in an irritated tone as she flipped her beautiful long hair back. What color is her hair? Here would be a good place to mention it.

“Okay, so who's gonna jump?” The other girl asked impatiently as she held the jump ropes lazily in her outstretched hands.

Kirsten ignored her and I wasn’t sure what to say so I did too. This was very confusing. Maybe reword it: "Kirsten ignored her, while I followed suit." This doesn't sound the best either, but it was the best I could come up with right now.

OK, I have to leave for work, so I'll finish reviewing this later. I know I probably missed a lot, so I apoligise! Will get to the rest soon! Great story!
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
  





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Fri Mar 04, 2011 3:18 am
Matthews says...



Purple - comments
Red - altered
Italics - take out
Green - things I like


“C’mon you guys, who wants to jump?” She asked again, her voice edging toward bitterness. Why was she becoming bitter just because they ignored her? I mean seriously! It would be annoying, but I think "bitter" is too powerful. Maybe use "annoyed, frustration, agitated," etc instead.

Noticing the negative change in the girl’s voice Kirsten finally answered out of spite, “I don’t really want to play anymore, this is getting boring.” Spite? Whoa, Kirsten sounds real nice.

The girl frowned, “This isn’t boring,” then she turned to me, her eyes piercing.Is it?” Hmm, this doesn't sound like the answer she would give. To me, I think she would respond "This isn't boring! You'reboring."

I glanced at Kirsten who was glaring intensely at the other girl. They didn’t get along very well but she had the jump ropes before us, so we had to be nice to her in order to jump. Ah. So Kirsten dislikes her...Why exactly? Is the other girl rude, mean, whiny, annoying? Give me a reason! And why was the other girl so willing to play with someone who disliked her? Especially since she had the jump ropes first. Would she really let Kirsten have them?

If Kirsten thought it was boring, then, well… “It’s getting a little dull.” I flinched in anticipation of the girl’s angry reply.

She huffed angrily, while glaring at me, then looked from Kirsten to me and then mumbled venomously “just because you’re Kirsten’s best friend doesn’t mean that you have to copy her."

That stung. I turned to Kirsten to see if she would say anything to that, but she just pursed her lips. Then, She turned to me and said “Do you wanna play four square?”

Of course she wouldn’t reply to that, the girl was addressing me after all, but, I wasn’t able to say anything to her either.
Anyway, would Did I want to play four square? "Not really,” I replied.I wasn’t good at it and I didn’t like losing. frequently in games.

“Okay, what should we do then?” She asked.

“Um,” I felt an arm around my shoulder and I turned to see that [color=#FF0040]a
flawless chocolate-colored complexion, dark hair, and those big brown eyes that I knew so well. “Hey, Henry.”

“What’s up girls?” He smiled to reveal his full white teeth.

“We’re just trying to figure out what we should do for recess,” I replied.

“A bunch of us are playing kickball, you wanna join us?”

You wanna?, Gwen?” Kirsten asked me.

I nodded, “Yeah, sure.” Kickball was really the only sport I was good at.

“Great!” Henry led us to the small gathering of kickball players. Kirsten and I seemed to be the only girls, but then I saw Nikki. She stood tall and proud, her beautiful caramel skin set her apart from the other pale and sickly girls in the orphanage. Nikki was the strongest and fastest out of all of the kids, so there was no doubt that the team captains would be fighting over who got her on their team.

A boy named Preston called out to all of us, “Okay, let’s get this started you guys. Who are the team captains?” Preston always took charge. At his words, there were many debates over who should be the captains. He quickly sorted it out though, “all right, will all the people who want to be captain step forward.” Most of the group went forward, excluding me and a few others. “Now, we’re going to vote on the captains. Who wants…” He named off the people in the group and the person who had the loudest cheering won as captain; Henry and some other boy won. Next, the team captains took turns choosing their team players. I went into Henry’s group, but Kirsten went into the other’s. You should just take this out. It's confusing and boring, and it really doesn't need to be in here. Just say "Kirsten and I were on opposing teams" instead of going into all the dragged out details.

It was a fun game. One time I kicked the ball extremely far and got so excited that I accidentally mowed Kirsten right over onto the ground while running the bases. Even after many apologies, she repaid the favor. Nikki was on my team so of course we won. She got us four home runs and gave our team six additional points, for the total of ten out of the fourteen points that we ended up with. To my surprise, I actually got our team a point. When the game ended Henry patted me on the back and said “Good game!” I smiled in agreement. After the game our warden called us all in for dinner. Why was Gwen so surprised she got a point? Earlier she said she was good at the game, so winning a point wouldn't be a surprise?

The macaroni and cheese jiggled at my fork’s touch. As un-appetizing as it looked, it actually tasted OK. The milk was sour though. I sat with Henry and Kirsten and we talked about all of the amazing slides Nikki had done during the kickball game, and how Henry had gotten us two home-runs.

After dinner, we all went off to finish our daily chores. This time I had to hand wash the dishes from breakfast, lunch, and dinner. A tedious chore. But Nikki was helping me and she made it fun by playing the radio loudly while singing and dancing tothe tune as she rinsed anddried dishes. She wanted me to do it sing too, but I could felt my face flush a deep crimson and refused. After a while of seeing her singing and dancingwatching her dance and sing to the radio for a while, I felt left out and joined in quietly. Hearing my voice, she turned to me and grinned, then she grabbed a spoon to imitate a microphone and held it up for both of us to sing into. My voice sounded mediocre compared to the radio and Nikki’s beautiful voice, but I tried not to care too much because, I'd lose my nerve.

Then When the guitar solo came on Nikki dropped the spoon and played her own pretend guitar, urging me to play along with her. I hesitantly put my hands up and strummed the imaginary strings, but I was strumming them way too slowly compared to Nikki and I could tell Nikki wanted me to be more animated. I attempted to copy her and found myself getting into it, playing it how I thought a band would play it - slow and fast at times. You went into a lot of detail about Gwen and Nikki messing around in the kitchen - which is OK, if it was intended, but just be aware of that.

The warden, Miss Abby, came into the kitchen and while I rushed to shut off the radio.But then She must have heard it for she said teasingly, “Why’d you turn it off? That was my favorite song!”


When we had finished washing the dishes, I left the kitchen for bed. When I got to the room that Kirsten and I shared, I noticed that she was already fast asleep in her bunk above mine. So, I quietly tip-toed over to my bed and nestled into my blankets, hoping not to wake her.

Sleep overcame me instantly and I soon began to dream.and I found myself nodding off.

“Sweetie, are you all right?” She stroked my hair, her concerned eyes looking into my sad ones.

“I’m fine, mom. Just tired,” I rubbed my eyes, as if to prove it.

“Oh, do you want to take a nap?” She grabbed the pillow off the couch nearby and held it up.

“No, that’s all right, I’m just gonna hang out in my room,” I got up to leave.

“Sweetheart, don’t forget that you agreed to go to the store later to pick up a few things for the house.”

“Okay,” I climbed the stairs to my bedroom.

But, My mom stopped me before I got too far, “Actually, Gwen, it would be great if you could go up to the store right now.”

“Yeah, sure, no problem.” I ran up the stairs to grab my shoes and left the house to go to the bus stop.
Uh, she had just climbed the stairs, when she said "Okay" why does she have to run up them now?

After I bought the things on the list I was given, I returned home via bus. My arms were filled with stuffed bagsand it was a relief to set them down on the floor. When I looked up I saw that the house had been ransacked. Belongings were strewn over the floor and the whole place in shambles. The reason I took out the missing things is, at a first glance she wouldn't be able to tell, unless it was something huge, like a TV, Grandfather clock, etc. And really, stolen things would be the last thing on her mind!

“Mom?” I called out, panicked. “Mom, dad, where are you?!

No answer, only An eerie silence met my ears in response.

“MOM?! DAD?!” I screamed over and over, falling to my knees I sobbed.

Well, I will keep at this in chunks...if you want me to. I like reviewing, so it's not a problem, although I am being nitpicky here.
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
  








Poetry is my cheap means of transportation. By the end of the poem the reader should be in a different place from where he started. I would like him to be slightly disoriented at the end, like I drove him outside of town at night and dropped him off in a cornfield.
— Billy Collins