Young Writers Society

Ive been having this idea for awhile now and decided to make a story out of it , i know im not very good at writing but i just love to express my feelings through it (sorry about my grammar)

Chapter 1 : Blood And Love
With all my strength i pushed down with my wings just catching the air current. Going as fast as my wings could take me i scanned the warehouses below. She was there , defenseless , i had to do something about and with that , i banked sharply behind the second warehouse. I turned my head around the corner. I heard one of the men 'So i heard you were backchatting about us the other day!"
They pushed her round in a circle , it was awful , my natural instinct was to go in there and fight them off easily , but i forced myself to listen in.
"Maybe this will teach you a lesson you will never forget!" claimed the persumably gangleader, wielding a shotgun.
This was my queue.
I walked around the corner as if i'd only just got here.
"Look who joined", "Heh whats that puny basterd gonna do , kill us?" they ringleader said laughing.
Raged , i walked faster , the gangleader aimes his gun at me , i easily doged by doing 4 full back handsprings before jumping into the air and delivering a hard blow to his legs.
I heard a cracking sound and the other two people jumped onto the back of me , instantly i kicked backwards leaving one guy in pain.
I turned around , twisting the other guys arm and ripped open my wings.
"What the!?"
My wings powering my way above the glass warehouse , my arm grabbing the guys neck , i swung my arm at his head switching hands until his neck was competly broken and threw him through the glass building.
The warehouse broke like a playing card tower.
In a second i turned my head around , police from every direction. I instantly banked down and grabbed Miki. Flying away , Miki speechless at my wings she pulled her arms up to my neck and pull herself up and kissed me. It was possibly that second that seemed like eternity.
"I love you." miki said, hugging me even tighter. I felt a rush of happiness overflow in my body.
I slowed down as we got near my bedroom window, i'd left my window open in advance. I tucked my wings in and climbed through the window. Exhausted i sat her down on the bed.
I saw a cut along Miki's arm and imdediatly got a bandage out of the first aid kit on my wall.
"How could somebody do this to someone as beautiful as you." i said keeping a low voice, whilst finishing bandaging her shoulder up.
"I owe you my life," whispered Miki and she put her left hand across my cheek and closed her eyes. We moved quickly closer and began to snog, It was a dream come true.
We layed on the bed , i held her tight and whispered in her ear, " I love you!" she whispered back , " I love you too!"

And a little bit of chapter 2 wich im currently writing now,

Chapter 2 : Death At A Wedding
Me and Miki awoke in my bed from last night, dressed in the same clothes, cuddled up close.
"Hey Miki , want to do something different today?" I said.
"Sure!" She smiled as i kissed her on the forehead.
"Is was thinking we could go have some private time in River Mosaki," I told her.
"I would love that!" she said enthusiasticaly.
I smiled and got dressed into new clothes.
Holding Miki tight i spread my wings and leaped out my window , freeing my wings , t felt so good. I transported her to her house where she could get changed. Feeling naughty I looked through her window whilst she was getting undressed. She was beautiful her body was amazing.
Once she had finished getting changed she gave me a hand signal and we set off for the skies once again.
"So, where is this place?" Miki asked me.
"Somewhere private , me and my grandma used to visit it everyday , building it up each day with the most beautifulist trees on the planet, I named it after my grandma when she died , two years ago , her name was Mosaki Shizaramoto," I explained to her.
"Im so sorry to hear that" She said back.
"Its ok"
I flew high flying steadily and peacefully to River Mosaki.
Shortly after i made a smooth landing there. We was alone , just the two of us , no-one for a mile around.
"This place is absolutely beautiful," Miki said , eyes wide.
There were blossoms and tall exotic trees sorounding the whole place so the only way in was by flying in as only i could do.
My Grandma knew about my wings from an early age and we swore to keep it a secret ever since.
Kissing Miki's lips , i slowly took her top off as she did mine. We undressed fully and i carried her into the pool.
"Ooooh this is so warm!" Miki said , sounding suprised.
"Yea from the moment we built it , it has always been unaturally warm," I said.
We both stood up in the pool cuddling eachother. We moved together and started a long deep kiss. I run my hands through her hair moving them down her smooth body to the lower half of her touching her.

More to come on chapter 2!

Hey, this was good. Good job! I especially liked how there was some mystery as to what was going on at the factory (hopefully, you'll explain why they were there).

So, on to my crit, hopefully it's not too harsh

Chapter 1 : Blood And Love

With all my strength I pushed down with my wings just catching the air current. This isn't the best opening sentence, you might want to describe things a little, like the color of the sky and etcetera. Going as fast as [s]my wings[/s] they could take me I scanned the warehouses below. She was there, defenseless, I had to do something about [s]and with[/s] that, I banked sharply behind the second warehouse. I turned my head around the corner. I heard one of the men 'So I heard you were backchatting about us the other day!" Whenever you say I it is capatilized. Also, you tend to say I a lot and it makes a choppy paragraph, you can easily fix that by saying something along the lines of: "I had to do something about that and so I banked sharply behind the warehouse." You can use the words and, so, or any other words you can think of before you say "I" and it will make a sentence run more smoothly, also in doing that you can sometimes get rid of the word I completely. An example would be "I ran and kicked the ball" instead of "I ran. I kicked the ball."

They pushed her round in a circle , it was awful , my natural instinct was to go in there and fight them off easily , but i forced myself to listen in. Whenever you have a comma, the comma goes right after a word (there's no space) and then after the comma you have a space and then the next word.

"Maybe this will teach you a lesson you will never forget!" claimed the [s]persumably[/s] presumably gang leader, wielding a shotgun. There's a space in-between gang and leader.

This was my queue. I think that it's spelled cue.

I walked around the corner as if i'd only just got [s]here[/s] there.

"Look who joined", "Heh whats that puny basterd gonna do , kill us?" the[s]y[/s] ringleader said laughing.

Enraged , i walked faster , the gang leader aimes his gun at me , i easily doged his shots by doing 4 full back handsprings before jumping into the air and delivering a hard blow to his legs. Watch your tenses, you tend switch from present tense to past tense.

I heard a cracking sound (what is the cracking sound from? Exlplain) and the other two people jumped onto the back of me , instantly i kicked backwards leaving one guy in pain. Why is he in pain, what happened to him, what is his reaction? Explain.

I turned around , twisting the other guys arm and ripped open my wings.

"What the!?"

My wings powering my way above the glass warehouse , what do you mean by powering?b] my arm grabbing the guys neck , i swung my arm at his head switching hands until his neck was competly broken and threw him through the glass building.

The warehouse broke like a playing card tower.

In a second i turned my head around , police from every direction. I instantly banked down and grabbed Miki. Flying away , Miki speechless at my wings she pulled her arms up to my neck and pull herself up and kissed me. It was possibly that second that seemed like eternity. [b]Miki's name seems to come up out of nowhere - explain that she's the girl that was caught in the middle of the gang, also the reader will tend to have forgotten about her by the end of the fight scene so try to put in her reactions to things that are happening during the fight scene.

"I love you." miki said, hugging me even tighter. I felt a rush of happiness overflow in my body.

I slowed down as we got near my bedroom window, i'd left my window open in advance. I tucked my wings in and climbed through the window. Exhausted i sat her down on the bed.

I saw a cut along Miki's arm and imdediatly got a bandage out of the first aid kit on my wall.

"How could somebody do this to someone as beautiful as you." i said keeping a low voice, whilst finishing bandaging her shoulder up.

"I owe you my life," whispered Miki and she put her left hand across my cheek and closed her eyes. We moved quickly closer and began to snog, It was a dream come true.

We layed on the bed , i held her tight and whispered in her ear, " I love you!" she whispered back , " I love you too!"


And a little bit of chapter 2 wich im currently writing now,


Chapter 2 : Death At A Wedding

Me and Miki awoke in my bed from last night, dressed in the same clothes, cuddled up close.

"Hey Miki , want to do something different today?" I said.

"Sure!" She smiled as i kissed her on the forehead.

"Is was thinking we could go have some private time in River Mosaki," I told her.

"I would love that!" she said enthusiasticaly. You haven't really developed Miki very well, she just seems to be all smiles and only has a few enthusiastic lines, try to describe her, what she does, and how she acts more.

I smiled and got dressed into new clothes.

Holding Miki tight i spread my wings and leaped out my window , freeing my wings , t felt so good. I transported her to her house where she could get changed. Feeling naughty I looked through her window whilst she was getting undressed. She was beautiful her body was amazing.

Once she had finished getting changed she gave me a hand signal and we set off for the skies once again.

"So, where is this place?" Miki asked me.

"Somewhere private , me and my grandma used to visit it everyday , building it up each day with the most beautifulist trees on the planet, I named it after my grandma when she died , two years ago , her name was Mosaki Shizaramoto," I explained to her.

"Im so sorry to hear that" She said back.

"Its ok"

I flew high flying steadily and peacefully to River Mosaki.

Shortly after i made a smooth landing there. We [s]was[/s] were alone , just the two of us , no-one for a mile around.

"This place is absolutely beautiful," Miki said , eyes wide.

There were blossoms and tall exotic trees [s]sorounding[/s] surrounding the whole place so the only way in was by flying in as only i could do.

My Grandma knew about my wings from an early age and we swore to keep it a secret ever since.

Kissing Miki's lips , i slowly took her top off as she did mine. We undressed fully and i carried her into the pool.

"Ooooh this is so warm!" Miki said , sounding suprised.

"Yea from the moment we built it , it has always been unaturally warm," I said.

We both stood up in the pool cuddling eachother. We moved together and started a long deep kiss. I [s]run[/s] ran my hands through her hair moving them down her smooth body to the lower half of her touching her.

Overall, good job. Some pointers, though, would be to describe things more. Paint a picture for the reader of what's going on through your words. Also, you'll want to develop Miki more, or she'll seem like a cardboard cut-out and a ditzy barbie doll. Then, finally, watch your tenses, you switch from present tense (what you're doing) to past tense (what you did) a lot.

Hope to read more,
-Onceuponatim3xo

Thanks for the crit i'l keep that in mind.

The rest of chapter 2:


20 Minutes later i asked her if she wanted to get out of the pool and i carried her out.
Then i got dow on one knee. Nervous, i held her hand.
"Miki , i have loved you for so long and i love you with every heart beat i couldnt imagine life without you."
"I want to spend today and every other day with you for the rest of my life as my wife"
"Miki, will you marry me?" I said , with all my heart.
"Oh yes!" Miki said squeezing me.


I agree with what you said about devoloping my characters , i'l go back and edit and write a little bit more tonight.

Thanks
Matty