Young Writers Society

I saw a man with his wife and three kids run into the corner drug store next to us; the father still in his suit from work.

“You think we should go hide with them?” John asked. I didn’t really know what to do at this point.

“Sure, let’s go.”

We hurried over to the drug store, but before we reached the sidewalk next to the drug store we heard sirens. I saw an ambulance speeding down the street towards us. It was followed by a line of cars. When the convoy of cars reached the intersection the ambulance screeched left and the rest of the other cars kept on going straight.

“Come on, let’s get inside before more of those soldiers come.”

As I turned around I saw that John was already opening the door. I took one step forward and then the store exploded, sending me twenty feet backwards back into the street. I landed on my side and rolled until coming to a stop. Flames burst out of the windows and debris soared through the sky. Pieces of glass, brick and concrete bounced on the ground near me and on top of me. I was dumbfounded. I reached up and covered my ears with my hands. The ringing in my ears was louder than anything I have ever heard in my life. My left arm felt like it was put into a blender. The ringing was the only thing I could hear, no gun shots, no explosions, no screaming, no nothing. I tried to sit up, but I was too disoriented. All I could think about was that John was dead.

I looked at the drug store, only to find that half of the building was caved in and everything was engulfed in flames. Smoke and dust filled the air like a warm foggy summer morning. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks. I reached up to wipe the tears off my face, but not only were tears running down my cheeks; blood trickled down from my fore head and nose.
The ringing in my ear started to diminish and onnce again I was tortured by the sounds of chaos. The same soldier we lost a couple minutes ago was now walking down the street towards me. I was so dazed by the explosion I couldn’t stand up at the moment. I started to crawl towards the sidewalk. It was no use. The soldier was now standing ten feet away from me. He didn’t say anything.

“This is it.” I thought to myself.

The soldier aimed his rifle at me. I closed my eyes. Boom! I opened my eyes to see the same ambulance that had passed earlier slammed into the parked car next to where the soldier was standing. I looked again. The soldier was in between the ambulance and the parked car. Blood coated the front of the ambulance. The passenger door of the ambulance opened. A paramedic stepped out and knelt by my side. I didn’t have enough energy to even hold my head up. I lay there staring up into the dusty blue sky. The sea of planes that we had seen earlier had passed.

“Georgy?” the man asked.

“Yes?” I replied. “How did this man know my name,” I thought.

I looked at the man standing over me. He looked familiar.

“It’s me Matty Lake, your brother’s friend.” He said.

“I’m so happy to see you.”

I tried to lean up and give him a hug but I still lacked the energy I had just five minutes prior to the explosion. The other paramedic came to my other side and both of them lifted me up.

“Get the doors,” Matty ordered.
I placed my arm around his neck. He then walked me briskly to the back of the ambulance, placed me on the gurney, and set a breathing mask over my mouth and nose. The driver shifted to reverse, backed out, and then sped off. The siren began to roar. I felt much better than I did lying on the road. I guess all I needed was oxygen. My vision wasn’t blurry anymore, but the pain in my left arm was still thriving. The clear respirator I was breathing from was attached to an oxygen tank next to me. Blood and soot stained my white shirt. Matty was sitting next to me with his short black hair and soft baby blue eyes standing out from the light interior of the ambulance. This twenty-five year old cowboy was the best friend of my brother Charlie. Matty had gone to school with Charlie all throughout grade school.

He examined my cuts on my forehead and left arm. My arm was sliced up badly. I had several severe cuts and lacerations on my arm. Every inch of my left arm was covered with ruby red blood. Matty cleaned up my arm a little and then grabbed some sterile gauze bandage.

“I’ll have to stitch up your arm later.” Matty said.

“Who are these guys Matty?” I asked fidgety.

“I think they’re Russians.”
He proclaimed while wrapping my bloody arm with white elastic bandage.

“Where are we heading?”

“I’m taking you to your brother.” he said.

The town was in total anarchy. Houses and cars were set on fire. People were being killed on the streets and in their own homes. Children watching as their parents are being executed right in front of them. Family pets running loose around town.

“What has the world gone to?” I proclaimed, “This is slaughter.”

Visions of John and Jerry being killed flooded into my mind. The driver swerved the ambulance sharply to the right. A police car screamed past us, sirens roaring. Some of the Russian soldiers on the road opened fired on the police car. I didn’t understand why they didn’t fire upon us. After the barrage of bullets, the police car slammed into a lamppost. The lamp light discharged sparks and glass all over the top of the police car.

“Uh, Matty,” the driver said, “we gotta problem here.”

The ambulance started to slow down, and then came to a complete stop. Running into these soldiers was inevitable.

“What is it?” Matty asked.

I could hear some voices outside the ambulance. They were definitely not speaking English. The soldiers were asking the driver something in Russian.

“We have an injured person that we need to get to the hospital,”
the driver proclaimed slowly so the soldier could understand. I heard some more yelling and then the driver was forced at gun point to exit the ambulance.

“Stay calm Georgy.”

I heard a burst of automatic gun fire outside followed by a volley of laughter. I couldn’t believe it; these soldiers were having the best time of their lives. The back door to the ambulance opened up. The soldier looked at us and then said something to his fellow soldiers. The soldier raised his rifle. Bang! Bang! Bang! Three bullets tore through the man, sending him to the ground. Matty protected me with his own life by covering me with his body. More shots resounded through the neighborhood. When the deafening clatter stopped, Matty sat up, and vigilantly jumped out of the back of the ambulance. I took the breathing mask off and sat up. Matty reappeared.

“Georgy! Come on.”

I scrambled out of the ambulance to come face to face with the man, who saved our lives, my brother.

“Charlie!” I said, swinging my right arm around him.

“Georgy are you okay? What happened to you? What happened to your arm?” he asked worriedly.

“I’m okay, thanks to Matty. I was playing baseball with Jerry and John when….”

The memory of my best friend’s deaths flashed in my head halting my sentence. I started to tear up again. Charlie holstered his side arm into his tactical belt holster along side his flashlight, baton, handcuffs, and tazer. He gave me a hug again. Charlie looked bulky in his black police uniform, because of his bullet proof vest underneath his shirt. The four of us walked around the driver side of the ambulance. There lay four corpses, three dead Russian soldiers and the driver of the ambulance. The driver’s corpse lay on the ground below the spatter of blood on the side of the ambulance. Matty knelt down beside his corpse and checked his pulse. There was no doubt that he was dead. At that time another police officer appeared from behind the ambulance.

“Sergeant Raymer, the Captain ordered all units to return to base.” The other officer said.

Just then we heard gun fire down the street.

“Alright! Let’s go! Matty follow us to the station with the ambulance.” Charlie ordered.

again, you need to space the paragraph out a bit more.

everything looks ok, but don't go on my word. like i said, i'm not a reall good crit like some others on the site. have them help you.

well, good luck and i will keep read when you have the second chapter out.

You asked me to review this post, so I shall review this one. I did read over the previous parts, to get an idea of the story. So far, it's been interesting. Reminds me of 'The White Fox Chronicles' by Gary Paulsen, although it's not the Russians in the book.

I didn’t really know what to do at this point.

I would put this sentence down with the next paragraph. I think it would be perfect after Georgy's next sentence.

We hurried over to the drug store, but, before we reached the sidewalk[s] next to[/s] in front of the drug store, we heard sirens.

Added in quotes to set the appositive apart. And I think that the bold words work better within the sentence. In front of sounds more logical than next to the drug store.

All I could think about was that John was dead.

I think this part might be better off down in the next paragraph. I mean, John wasn't exactly in the drug store with the explosion, so I would think that Georgy might hope that he was still alive.

I reached up to wipe the tears off my face, but not only were tears running down my cheeks; blood trickled down from my forehead and nose.

I think the underlined portion needs to be reworked, maybe into a new sentence from the part before the comma. I'd write it something like: I discovered that tears weren't the only thing running down my face; blood trickled from a cut on my forehead and nose. The italicized part is optional.

The ringing in my ear started to diminish and, once again, I was tortured by the sounds of chaos. The same soldier we had lost a couple minutes ago was now walking down the street towards me.

Commas to set apart the appositive, and I fixed the typo. The second sentence, what soldier was this and when did they escape from him? I mean, in the chapter before they were running from a group of soldiers. And, they weren't really targeted specifically. And, even though this sentence needs to be reworked, I added in the 'had,' as it was past tense.

Although, all of this is making me wonder why the Russians are killing innocent civilians. I mean, I understand police and people who fight back, but women and children? Right now is not the time for an explanation, since this is in first POV, and Georgy wouldn't know, but do have an explanation at some point, will you?

I opened my eyes to see the same ambulance that had passed earlier slammed into the parked car next to where the soldier was standing. I looked again. The soldier was flattened in between the ambulance and the parked car.

This part could use some clarification. It really isn't clear until a few read-throughs that the soldier was squished by the two cars. I underlined one part of the sentences that caused confusion, and also added in a word to point out another spot. You really don't have to use 'flattened,' it was just the first word that came to mind.

I felt much better than I did lying on the road. I guess all I needed was oxygen. My vision wasn’t blurry anymore, but the pain in my left arm was still thriving. The clear respirator I was breathing from was attached to an oxygen tank next to me. Blood and soot stained my white shirt. Matty was sitting next to me with his short black hair and soft baby blue eyes standing out from the light interior of the ambulance. This twenty-five year old cowboy was the best friend of my brother Charlie. Matty had gone to school with Charlie all throughout grade school.

This part is really piecy, going from one thing to another. I know that it's description, but it really doesn't fit together. Maybe say that he looked around the ambulance. The underlined part was a bit of an info-dump, maybe try and disguise it?

I had several severe cuts and lacerations on my arm. Every inch of my left arm was covered with [s]ruby red[/s] blood.

Lacerations are the same thing as severe cuts, 'tears or deep cuts' my dictionary says. So, the two of them are redundant, choose the one you like the best. I also don't think you really need the adjectives describing blood, or at least not those particular adjectives. If you need to describe the blood, call it something like 'deep red blood.'

Three bullets tore through the man before he could shoot us, sending him to the ground. Matty protected me from stray bullets [s]with his own life[/s] by covering me with his body. More shots resounded through the neighborhood.

Again, this part is confusing. I thought that he had killed Matty, who prevented Georgy from being killed, and I was really confused when Matty stood up again. The bold words I added should help, although the second part could be changed. And I got rid of 'with his own life,' since it was kind of obvious.

I scrambled out of the ambulance [s]to come[/s] and came face to face with the man who had saved our lives, my brother.

This sentence works better in past tense, so I added words to change that. And, you didn't need the first comma before the 'who saved our lives,' as it wasn't really an appositive. The real appositive was the 'my brother' part.

The memory of my best friend’s deaths flashed in my head, halting my sentence. I started to tear up again. Charlie holstered his side arm into his tactical belt holster along side his flashlight, baton, handcuffs, and tazer. He gave me another hug [s]again[/s]. Charlie looked bulky in his black police uniform, because of his bullet proof vest underneath his shirt. The four of us walked around the driver side of the ambulance. There lay four corpses, the three dead Russian soldiers and the driver of the ambulance. The driver’s corpse lay on the ground, below the spatter of blood on the side of the ambulance.

Commas added. You might want to mention the fact that Charlie is a police officer with the belt, would make much more sense. The third sentence was modified in order to flow better.

The next sentence, in italics, was an info-dump. You could probably disguise this by mentioning how the vest made hugging him very bulky, or something like that.

In the next sentence, would Charlie and Matty allow Georgy to go see the dead bodies? I mean, the boy's been traumatized enough for one day, is this something that they would really want him to see? Plus, the next sentence, underlined, doesn't really make sense. It needs some clarification, or a comma added.

Plus, you also need to watch your tenses. You keep straying into present tense, when the rest of your story is in past. Lay should be in past tense.

Two other things: Work on the length of your paragraphs. Action stories such as this could really benefit from having shorter paragraphs. It makes the action flow better, makes it easier to understand what action is happening, and creates suspense. Plus, there are a few times where you introduce new ideas within the same paragraph, where it really does you better to create a new paragraph for it.

Finally, names. I, personally, can't really get into the name 'Georgy.' It just looks strange to me, though it might be a perfectly reasonable name... Then, there's also just the fact that you're mostly using diminutive forms of names. I understand Charlie, but there's also Matty and Georgy. Just something you might want to look into.

All in all, a very interesting read. I like what I've read so far, and I think it would be interesting to see what the plot is. I'd like to be more connected to Georgy, though, as we really only see him panicking, and everything that's going on around him.

Good luck with your writing!

Ok, awesome, loved it.

This just keeps on reminding me of Red Dawn.

Im hooked. I hope you finish this unlike all of the other attempted novels on this site.

Ok, im going to start criting now...

As I turned around I saw that John was already opening the door. I took one step forward and then the store exploded, sending me twenty feet backwards back into the street.

I think twenty feet would kill a person. also, you have to think about what you said, twenty feet back into the road; that means that the store is about twenty feet from the road? just think about that.

As I turned around I saw that John was already opening the door. I took one step forward and then the store exploded, sending me twenty feet backwards back into the street.

I landed on my side and rolled until coming to a stop. Flames burst out of the windows and debris soared through the sky. Pieces of glass, brick and concrete bounced on the ground near me and on top of me.

I was dumbfounded. I reached up and covered my ears with my hands. The ringing in my ears was louder than anything I have ever heard in my life. My left arm felt like it was put into a blender. The ringing was the only thing I could hear, no gun shots, no explosions, no screaming, no nothing. I tried to sit up, but I was too disoriented. All I could think about was that John was dead.

I would space the paragraphs out a little.

I looked at the drug store, only to find that half of the building was caved in and everything was engulfed in flames. Smoke and dust filled the air like a warm foggy summer morning. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks. I reached up to wipe the tears off my face, but not only were tears running down my cheeks; blood trickled down from my fore head and nose.
The ringing in my ear started to diminish and [s]onnce[/s] once again I was tortured by the sounds of chaos. The same soldier we lost a couple minutes ago was now walking down the street towards me. I was so dazed by the explosion I couldn’t stand up at the moment. I started to crawl towards the sidewalk. It was no use. The soldier was now standing ten feet away from me. He didn’t say anything.

Good paragraph, just that one or two grammatical error.

The next few paragraphs just need some spacing.

And thats it! I thought it was awesome. Please do finish this. It is very interesting. I love it. Update me on progress if you want.

Im looking foreward to reading more!