Young Writers Society

Okay, so this is my 1st post of Heartbeat and I really haven't gone through all of it to find all of the spelling mistakes and stuff, but I really want some feedback.




I had no clue where I was when I woke up in that alley. My head hurt really bad and I felt so weak that i couldn't get up. I forced myself to stand up and remember why I was in that alley. I remembered what I did yesterday. I went to Millennium Park with Aden and then we went to a pizza place, but I couldn’t remember what I did today and why I was sleeping in this nasty, smelly alley. Then it hit me like an eighteen wheeler; One Black Rose. That stupid play I went to see with Kerry and Vince. But how did I end up in this alley? I remembered arriving at the theater in our limo and I remembered going into the theater. I went up to our balcony and waited for Kerry and Vince to finish mingling with all those rich people that they call ‘friends’. The play was really awful, but the cover of the playbill looked really cool. It was a picture of a black rose and it was bleeding. Wait,that was it! My playbill! I was walking to our limo and a wind took my playbill! I collect playbills so I really wanted it. I was starting to remember why I was in this nasty alley. My playbill got blown here and I passed out for some reason. Why did I pass out? Then, I remembered everything; the blood, the fangs, and even the face.

I liked it quite a bit. It had pretty good detail, and the first person perspective added personality to the character. I especially liked the ending, because it adds interest, and is a great cliffhanger. You'll probably want to change the rating of it, though, so it doesn't get removed or something, because you're supposed to rate pieces that use profanity. There's also one more thing. You're supposed to review two pieces of other work for every piece of your own that you post. That way everyone is more likely to be critiqued. I might have missed some things, but here are some mistakes I found:

kls night wrote:Okay, so this is my 1st post of Heartbeat and I really haven't gone threw~through all of it to find all of the spelling mistakes and stuff, but I really want some feedback.




I had no clue where I was when I woke up in that alley. My head hurt like a bitch and I felt so weak.~This is a fragment. You should add "...so weak that I could barely move" or something like that. I forced myself to stand up and remember~remembered why I was in that alley. I remembered what I did yesterday. I went to Millennium Park with Aden and then we went to a pizza place, but I couldn’t remember what I did today and why I was sleeping in this nasty, smelly alley.~This is a run-on. You should somehow divide it into two sentences. Then it hit me like an eighteen wheeler.~Good simile! One Black Rose.~This is a fragment. You should combine it with the next sentence with a colon or comma. That stupid play I went to see with Kerry and Vince. But how did I end up in this alley? I remembered arriving at the theater in our limo, and I remembered going into the theater. I went up to our balcony and waited for Kerry and Vince to finish mingling with all those rich people that they call ‘friends’. The play was really awful, but the cover of the playbill looked really cool. It was a picture of a black rose and it was bleeding.~"It was a picture of a bleeding black rose" might work better. Wait,that was it!~Add a space in there My playbill! I was walking to our limo and a wind took my playbill!~"a wind" seems a bit odd. "a gust of wind" might work better. I collect playbills so I really wanted it. I was starting to remember why I was in this nasty alley. My playbill got blown here and I pasted out for some reason. ~You mean "passed" not "pasted" Why did I pass out? Then, I remembered everything; the blood, the fangs, and even the face.

okay. i opened your thread and immediatly saw how short this was. i thought, okay, this is an attention grabber, brief and to the point. but then reading it, it slowly dissapointed me as the writing itself was a little juvinile.

I had no clue where I was when I woke up in that alley. My head hurt like a bitch and I felt so weak. I forced myself to stand up and remember why I was in that alley. I remembered what I did yesterday... blah blah blah

okay. a couple of problems, you used the word alley twice, which would have been fine, but they were so close together, it was difficult to read. i stumbed over them.

oops! review got cut off short... where was I ?


oh yeah..

and in the quote, you basically set yourself up to give a recap of what happened as your memory got back. it was hard to follow and stumbled around a bit.

I went to Millennium Park with Aden and then we went to a pizza place, but I couldn’t remember what I did today and why I was sleeping in this nasty, smelly alley. Then it hit me like an eighteen wheeler; One Black Rose. That stupid play I went to see with Kerry and Vince. But how did I end up in this alley? I remembered arriving at the theater in our limo and I remembered going into the theater.

so here, the character is having like 3 thought processes at one time. alley, playbill/show/and friends. this not only jumps around a bit (alot) but it confuses the reader and tends to be a turn off.

I was walking to our limo and a wind took my playbill! I collect playbills so I really wanted it. I was starting to remember why I was in this nasty alley. My playbill got blown here and I passed out for some reason.

this logic makes no sense to me. limo then you took the playbill and then you passed out and the playbill blew away. but the plaubill was right next to you? ahhh! brain jam!

My playbill got blown here and I passed out for some reason. Why did I pass out? Then, I remembered everything; the blood, the fangs, and even the face.

besides the playbill's location mix up. THIS IS EXCELLLENT!!! KUDOS!

this is how your entire first peice should be written. setup= character has no idea, then boom, they remember. this was the attention hook we needed to see, but we shouldn't need to go through the first section to get to it. NOW im excited after reading this.

maybe I should clarify. you need to shorten ideas. think only 2 main points, not 3. maybe written like this?

I had no clue where I was when I woke up in that alley. My head hurt really bad and I felt so weak that i couldn't get up. I forced myself to stand up. (put in some detail.) was starting to remember why I was in this nasty alley. My playbill got blown here and I passed out for some reason. Why did I pass out? Then, I remembered everything; the blood, the fangs, and even the face.

think about reworking this a little. I love!!! your idea though, and the last sentance really gave the interest i was looking for. kudos to you and keep working on it. I know i was a little tough, but no one would learn anything if someone wasn't brutally honest. but I WANT TO SEE MORE> you have my attention now, so post post post.