Young Writers Society

This is my first time so please comment

Horizontal shafts of rain muddied the sky, lightning blitzing through them like electric probes. Morris stumbled through the storm, the waves that splashed aboard the boat hugging his ankles. He braced himself to the shadows and hindered his back to the wall as he slowly walked flush alongside it. He looked at the North Star, submissively distracting his attention as he marveled the especial large size of it that night. Suddenly, heart slammed to a stop, lips paralyzed, he realized what he just did. He stepped into the wash of a carriage lamp that hung under the cement awning guarding the recessed double-doors. Boots then rounded the corner. A man stood barring Morris’ only exit. Their focuses were riveted on each other.
Morris was the first to move, hurtling in a beeline in the other direction. The pursuer raced headlong across the waterlogged deck, on his heels. A rumble of thunder coursed through the ship, the planks churning under the pressure of a wave. Suddenly, a salty billow rose up and impaled both of them, the hostage skewered to a set of clapboard shutters. His body splayed across the ground, but he quickly recovered. With white-knuckled fingers, he clung to a stanchion and hauled himself up. He staggered forward. Hazed eyes swept the bow, desperate to find another exit. Then he saw it. A cacophony of yells pierced through the storm. Morris’ breath was short, audible and erratic like the steps that he took. Vision distorted, the pursuer slashed blindly at the hostage, triumphantly dragging him to the ground. Standing over him, he breathed through red, flared nostrils. Morris clambered to his feet and escaped the herd of ragged deckhands. That was when he realized that the North Star that he saw wasn’t a star at all. It was the light of the helicopter that he summoned. He suddenly knew that the water was the safest place to be. He vaulted over the edge of the ship, his body lurching through the black waves that lashed with the storm. Weary and weak, Morris dragged his water-heavy clothes heavenward, draping his arms over the rung of a rope ladder. Heavy, pot-sized hands grabbed his shoulders and hauled him into the helicopter. Laying his body spread-eagle across the floor, Morris let the North Star lead him home.

Hello there! Welcome to YWS! I notice no one has reviewed your work, so I'll whip out my red pen and start markin'!

Horizontal shafts of rain muddied the sky, lightning blitzing through them like electric probes.

Underlined: That word doesn't seem right in this instant. You're describing the intensity of this storm cloud, and you throw in a... an elementary word, I guess?

Morris stumbled through the storm, the waves that splashed aboard the boat hugging his ankles.

This sentence is longer than it should be (or so it seems). Morris stumbled through the storm, the splashing waves hugging his ankles. It's the that that throws everything off in this sentence.

He braced himself to the shadows and hindered his back to the wall as he slowly walked flush alongside it.

I was hesitant on braced himself to the shadows and flush seems arbitrarily inserted here. Rephrase this sentence so it runs a bit more smoothly and is easier to read. He put his back to the wall and slowly made his way down the boat side.

He looked at the North Star, submissively distracting his attention as he marveled the especial large size of it that night.

Again, I think this is longer than it needs to be. ...distracting himself with its abnormally large size [that night].

Suddenly, heart slammed to a stop, lips paralyzed, he realized what he just did.

You can definitely build on this. I want to feel what Morris is feeling right now. My heart didn't stop and my lips didn't paralyze when I read this. I read it twice before my heart said, "Oh, I'm supposed to slam against your chest, Jabbs!" Slam! I want to see his face, I want to see his nervous reactions, I want to see everything.

He stepped into the wash of a carriage lamp that hung under the cement awning guarding the recessed double-doors.

Lengthen this description so the reader can follow a bit more easily. Some readers (*cough* me *cough*) can't picture that quickly. It's harder 'cause you know what it looks like, but the reader doesn't know. Ask yourself, "How can I explain to someone else what this looks like?"

Boots [s]then [/s]rounded the corner. A man stood, barring Morris’ only exit. Their focuses were riveted on each other.

I kinda want to know what this guy looks like. Is he ginormous like a bear, or thin as a stick with an ugly smirk? There's light, so Morris can see alright, if not perfectly.

Underlined: Great job! Not everyone knows how to use the apostrophe like this. Nice!

Morris was the first to move, [s]hurtling in[/s] making a beeline in the other direction.

Making a beeline.. back? Like he's backtracking? Or running a different way? Like to the right instead of the left? Other is too general for me. ^^

The pursuer raced headlong across the waterlogged deck, [no comma] on his heels.

Oh wait, you mean the pursuer is on Morris' heels! Ohh! Then rephrase this. The man was on his heels, racing across the waterlogged deck... This is a good spot for some description -- the look on his face or how he runs.

Suddenly, a salty billow rose up and impaled both of them, [semi instead] the hostage skewered to a set of clapboard shutters.

Hostage? Is Morris a hostage?

Standing over him, he breathed through red, [no comma] flared nostrils.

There's really no need for commas in the midst of adjectives.

He suddenly knew that the water was the safest place to be.

Wait, why? How did he come to this conclusion?

Weary and weak, Morris dragged his water-heavy clothes heavenward, draping his arms over the rung of a rope ladder.

When did the rope ladder come down? oO

Heavy, [no comma] pot-sized hands grabbed his shoulders and hauled him into the helicopter.

Overall

This can use some work. First of all, the chapter was just short, which can be a sign that you can make it longer. Description is the key. Describe, describe, describe. And take your time with it! You want the reader to see, feel, hear, taste, and smell everything that you can when thinking up this story. It takes time to do so, some patience as well, but it's worth it in the end.

Once you flesh out the chapter itself, you'll answer the questions that I had above as well as make a more effective ending. The last sentence is good, but I didn't get the goosebumps that I should get. It's just basically description that will help you out. Maybe some dialogue will help keep the reader with you, and separate the paragraphs so they aren't so big and scary.

Sorry this is so short. I'd build on what I mean a bit more, but hopefully you understand what I mean just with this. If you have questions, PM me. I'll answer ASAP and give you a thorough one at that.

This story has potential, though! Never fear! Just keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!