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Jynara Chapter 1, Birth



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Sat May 10, 2008 6:04 pm
Moonclaw_Warrior_of_Night says...



“Jynara. Jynara. Jynara,” strange words flowed through my head. I opened my eyes and saw a sea of black over my head. A sea of black with tiny pinpricks of light scattered here and there. Floating next to me, below the gorgeous sight, was… another me! Wait, the other me was slightly different, it smelled unlike me and was bigger.

“Jynara, do you not know who I am?” It spoke! “I am your mother.”

“Mo-ther? Moth-er? Mother?” I tried out the word.

“Yes, mother. Are you hungry?” my mother asked.

“Hungry?” I asked. My mother pointed with her flipper and I followed its path wind-milling my fins awkwardly until I moved forward.

“What is this white stuff?” I asked.

“It’s milk. That is what you drink so you are not hungry,” my mother answered.

“Oh, do you drink milk? It tastes good,” I asked.

“No, you drink milk when you are young. I eat krill, which are tiny creatures. Now drink the milk, I don’t want you to starve,” my mother replied.

I obeyed and when I was full, my mother nudged me back up to the surface so I could breathe. “Where am I? What is your name? How Did I-?”

“Hush, my name, other than mother, is Silvenka. You still call me mother but if you ever get lost and find someone other than me say you are looking for Silvenka. Your father’s name is Keerel but you will most likely not see him until we get to the feeding grounds. Right now you are off the coast of a place called Australia. Soon we will be setting out to out feeding grounds near a chain of islands called the Aleutians.” Mother explained.

“I like it here. Why will we have to go somewhere else?” I complained.

“I have to go to the Aleutians because that is the place where I eat my own food,” Mother replied.

“You mean you don’t eat at all before we get to the feeding grounds?” I couldn’t believe it.

“The food I eat is at the islands so to answer your question, no,” she said.

“What is that big white-” I pause to search for a word, “blob in the black sea.”

“That is called a moon and those miniature dots are stars. They float in the sky, but you can only see them at night. There are two kinds of sky, day and night. Day is a pretty blue color with a shinning yellow dot called the sun and night is black, filled with stars and the moon. You have much to learn, Jynara, but someday you will know it all.
Don't tell me I ran out of time.
If it takes the rest of my life.
I'll wait for you.

Wait for You, Elliott Yamin
  





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Sat May 10, 2008 9:36 pm
scasha says...



“Jynara. Jynara. Jynara,” strange words flowed through my head.
-- instead say the same strange word repeated over and over in my head.
I opened my eyes and saw a sea of black over my head.
-- above me. also say sea of black with tiny pinpricks of light
A sea of black with tiny pinpricks of light scattered here and there.
-- delete

I liked it! Original idea, perspective from a whale. Nice work. Just a couple of additional suggestions
1) More action. Barely anything happens in this chapter. She is born and her mom does a lot of explaining. Explaining isn't really great to have because it can get boring at times. Instead of a chapter of explaining how about you show the readers what it's like to be a baby whale. How does it feel? Does the ocean taste weird? Are there other fishes or other whales? Add more to make it more dynamic
2) Try to make the dialogue more realistic. Two people don't usually stand around talking and I don't think two whales would either. Also try to think about the way that people talk. Example: Someone wouldn't say "I am going to the store. Do you want anything?" They would say "I'm going to the store, you want anything?" Think about those kind of things while you're writing the dialogue. Also put more action inbetween the dialogue. Maybe the mom says hello to a passing whale, maybe Jynara has trouble swimming or keeping up with her mom, does a few flips while her mom's talking. Stuff like that.

Other than that good work! Keep at it!
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 28
Sun May 11, 2008 1:51 am
helpless42 says...



yeah great! I like the idea of having a whales point of view. I love the ocean and so I think this a a great idea. I agree with scasha about the action: needs a little more. I love how you started it, but shes right about the whole "reapeated"instead of "flowed" thing. flowed sounds like its a lazer or something going through her head. (its a her right? make that a little clearer.) I like the idea and cant wait to read more! oh and for future writng, when you do the next part, make sure you reaserch so stuff on whales. (when you get this wronge like that, people freek out and think thier all high and mighty because they know it and you didnt. real vain people that is) Keep writing!
  








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