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My lady, we need you.[chapter3]



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Sun May 04, 2008 3:00 am
happybear says...



Chapter 3


Hannah moaned. A fuzzy haze clouded her mind. Her thinking was slow,

but some how she struck sluggishly on the opinion that something wasn’t

right. She tried with out prevail to figure out what it could’ve been. Then all

of a sudden she remembered the truck, the man… the pain. Her eyes

flicked open in horror. Where was she? At first all she noticed was

darkness, and then little by little things came into focus.


‘Oh God,’ she whispered as the impact of her situation became clearer. ‘Oh

God…’ She couldn’t continue. She squirmed terrified, but was stopped short

by binds that incased and constricted her wrists and ankles. Hannah was

hog tied and gagged in the back of what looked to be a ware house. She

twisted again but the ropes were beginning to cut into her flesh. She

couldn’t get out. They were too tight. Surveying her surroundings for

anything to help her, Hannah could barely make out an open door and… the

red headed man that owned the pick-up truck.


‘No!’ she thought petrified ‘It must’ve been him that broke into my house.

He must’ve brought me here!’ She twisted her head around, her hair

sprawled around her on the dirty cement floor. ‘Why here? Nothing’s here

but a few nearly dead light bulbs.’ She rolled her head back and looked at

the man who was still gazing out the open door. At that moment he turned

and stared straight into her eyes. Even at the distance she was from him,

she could still see the hate and malice in his bright blue eyes. Sweat pored

from her skin and her heart hammered so hard it reverberated through her

chest and made her pounding head hurt even worse. Hannah shivered fear

washing over her like tsunami, as the crooked man slithered forward. His

eyes never left hers.


“Well! Hello princess.” He mocked crouching down next to her head. He

motioned toward the open door.


“Our ride will be here shortly, don’t worry.” Hannah couldn’t bear to watch

his eyes any longer they jeered and hated so vividly. She rolled her head to

the side but she could still feel his eyes bore into her back. Tears slid down

her cheeks as she listened to him describe how she would never again see

her family. She tried desperately to tune out the venomous man. Then in

the shadows by the door she saw what looked to be a pair a feet sneaking

in by cover of the darkness. At first Hannah expected more trouble but then

she realized that the person could only be trying to hide from her captor.

Joy shot through her as she thought it. The red haired man got bored of

her inactiveness and turned to wait for his buddies. Hannah’s heart skipped

a beat; this was her savior’s chance! And just as she thought it the savior

dashed forward, grabbing the ropes that secured her hands and beginning

to work. She didn’t dare turn to look at him or move at all. Instead

Hannah bit her lip and watched her captor pace back and forth in front of the

door. If he turned at any moment they would be discovered. She could feel

the person’s hands were sweating and shaking profusely. But despite his

apparent nerves he was able to untangle the first knot. Hannah could feel

the ropes loosen. He almost had them off!


The red haired man swore and looked at his watch.


“They were to be here at 9:15!” He shouted a few more choice words, and

then turned to check on his prize. His hand darted to his side and grabbed

his pistol.


“Hit the floor!” He screamed pointing the deadly weapon at the intruder who

dropped to his stomach. The man rushed to them keeping the weapon

pointed at the ‘would be savior.

He grabbed the ropes that still held Hannah tightly, and seeing they were

fairly intact he turned to the trespasser.


“You’ve messed with the wrong person, boy!” He dug the pistol into the

boy’s back, showing no mercy. “I’m going to kill you!” He whispered. His

voice was dripping with malice. Hannah bit her lip, stinging tears played on

her lashes.


‘God please don’t let this boy die because of me!’

She prayed quickly. But as soon as she did it the man yanked back his arm

and struck the boy square in the back of his head. Hannah turned

instinctivly. Blood trickled down the brown wavy locks that covered the boys

head. A knot caught in the back of her throat.


‘He couldn’t have been any older then me’ she thought not knowing whether

to scream or cry. ‘Lord, why did you let this happen? He was so young. Oh

God, he was only trying to save me!’


“Finally, they’re here! It only took ‘um three hours!” The man said

stepping over her and marching toward the still open door. Hannah rolled

her head over and watched as two rough looking men sauntered in.


“Boss…” One started.


“Where the hell have you to been!” The red head interjected “I blame you

that she is now AWAKE and we have another one.”


“What?” the other asked stupefied


“Some heroic teenager, I knocked him out. We either take him too or kill

him.” Hannah’s captor barked.


‘He’s not dead?!’ Hannah thought in disbelief.


“Alright, we’ll load ‘um both in the back. But we got to hurry!

The ‘Habbered’s’ know.” The first replied.


“You better be …”


“Boss, Perry says they could arrive here with- in the hour.” The other cut in.

At the boss swore explosively.


“Well get moving! I want them loaded and I want to be driving away in the

next five minutes!”

The two helpers simply nodded and scurried to Hannah picking her up by

her shoulders and legs. She didn’t even try to fight back; she couldn’t.

She let them carry her out the building and into the dark ally, where she saw

what looked to be the same pick up the red haired man owned. Together

the two men heaved her over the side and set her heavily in to the bed of

the truck. Hannah winced as her flesh collided with the cold, uneven metal.

One of the men scurried back into the building but the other stayed to

guard they’re precious cargo.


In a few seconds, the boss and his helper came shuffling out with the limp

and bleeding form of the boy. Hannah cringed as the men chucked the

unconscious figure into the truck bed. They showed no mercy to him as

they did to her.
Last edited by happybear on Sun May 04, 2008 10:19 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sun May 04, 2008 4:42 am
mizz-iceberg says...



Hey there! This story keeps get better and better :D.
Few things:

Something wasn’t right but she could figure out what.

Do you mean 'couldn't'?

Then

she remembered: the truck, the man… the pain.


I'd take out the colon if I were you.


Her eyes flicked open in

horror where was she?


Put a period after horror and capitalize the 'w' in 'where'. ;)

Hannah cringed, ‘it must’ve

it was him that had broken into my house, and him that brought me here.’


Huh? read that again slowly. Catch the error?
Hannah couldn’t

bear to watch his eyes they were so full of hate and malice. She jerked her

head from his corrupted stare. Tears jerked to the edge of her eyes.


- You're missing a comma after eyes in that first sentence ^. And I think you used 'jerked' too many times. Try and substitute another word for 'jerked'.

As

the babbled on of his friends that were to come
and how escape was

impossible, something in the shadows caught Hannah’s attention.


read the part in bold... rather confusing isn't it. I think 'the' is supposed to be 'he'... am I right?


There was just these small mistakes and oh yes a lot of missing commas as well. Commas are important!

You've got me hooked :D. Carry on writing!
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
--Ellen DeGeneres
  





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Sun May 04, 2008 3:45 pm
Summerless says...



I haven't read chapter one or two but I can tell you the basics I think you should fix, and I see mizz-iceberg already pointed some errors out.

She felt terrible her head pounded and the back of her neck was sore.


Show and don't tell! You tell us everything. Hannah feels like something's wrong. Hannah discovers she's gagged. Hanna notices she's at a warehouse. You tell, tell, and tell.

An example of telling is the quoted part above. You can show through dialogue, thoughts, and carefully-sculpted detail.

A terrible ache welled inside of her body, causing her neck to feel raw. Again she felt it; the agony shot through her spine and hit the nape of her neck.


Synopsis:
- Show us some more (even if it's once in a while)
- Try reading your piece out loud to find little typos/errors
- Nice start and continuation :]

Hope this helps
~ Summer
  





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Sun May 04, 2008 5:11 pm
scasha says...



hey just a few suggestions to add. I too didn't read your previous chapters but this is really good.
Try to fit the dialogue of what's going on in her mind with what's going on in the warehouse. I suggest that you try and step into her body, by saying that I mean think of how she would act, what she would feet i.e. the ropes around her wrists bit at her skin or her throat felt dry and she was dizzy. Try to embody her panic and horror in your writing. Maybe she won't even remember how she got there.
And I would try to include more dialogue with her captor. Maybe he goes to move her into the car, takes her gag off. Also make her rescuer seem more like a rescuer i.e. instead of telling the readers that he is her rescuer maybe say that she saw the image of another man's face in the shadows and just as she was about to cry out he put his finger to his lips, motioning her to stay silent.

Try to show more than tell -- you don't want to tell the readers what to think. Show them how the scene is unfolding, how she feels, her thoats, the noises she hears, ect.
Otherwise, well done and keep up the good work!
  





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Sun May 04, 2008 5:36 pm
SuicideKing says...



The single door was a car door which was open and guarded by the red haired man.


A...car door? And how is this managed? It seems to make no sense to me.

As for the rest of the piece, agreed with Summer and with Scasha--show, do not tell. Use imagery and description to make us visualize what's going on. We should be able to see the warehouse around us, when we're done reading.

--King
“Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth, follow only beauty, and obey only love.”

--Kahlil Gibran
  





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Sun May 04, 2008 7:39 pm
soconfused4512 says...



i love your story please keep me posted i mean the only thing i have seen in your stories are a few typos but that is about it but other than that GREAT work
~OdD~OnE~
  





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Sun May 04, 2008 11:05 pm
happybear says...



OK... I have trashed the old version :D and made what you see now, enjoy!


The happiest bear you ever did see!
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Mon May 05, 2008 1:05 am
soconfused4512 says...



ok i LOVE the story you have a few typos here and there but other than that I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! KEEP ME POSTED
~OdD~OnE~
  





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Tue May 20, 2008 11:54 am
ballroomdancer95 says...



Love the story!!! It's great...I can't wait for Chapter 4 to come out!!! Keep Writing! It's truly is a gift from God given to you!!!


Ballroom Dancing is my game...*Cha Cha's Away*
  








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