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Young Writers Society


Capital Punishment 1/4



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Fri May 02, 2008 11:09 am
MischiefMaker says...



Been a while since the last part of my chapter. Sorry about that. Check out the rest of them, and all critiques are welcome! Enjoy.

-

The Heracia’s are back in town.

What was she going to do? She couldn’t back out now; Frank had just e-mailed her the details and even Phillip had patted her shoulder in a proud way as he had passed.

Her eyes were fixed between the blank spaces of the Times New Roman text, trying to imagine that what she was seeing was not there and what she had heard was just a joke; a cruel joke.

Not that anyone else knew how she had lived all those lifetimes ago; she hid that in her own little Pandora’s Box and the lock never strained. She swallowed back her panic and released a little sigh, which sounded more like a whimper. The fact that they still scared her senseless made her skin crawl. She kicked off her shoes beneath the desk and closed her eyes, pressing the heels of her hands against the lids and resting her elbows on the edge of her desk.

Her computer whirred sympathetically beside her as the office was in full flow, everyone trying to meet their latest deadline to avoid the wrath of their editor. She drifted off into her own thoughts with a soft sigh, her back relaxing slightly against the rest of her chair.

-

“I’m not doing this anymore.” She stated in her cool voice which was suddenly beginning to seem a lot gentler than usual. She stood in the doorway of the lounge, her eyes dull as she pressed her lips together slightly. The portly man sat in his recliner, eyes closed as the TV blared into the room.

The lounge flickered with colour and sound from the television set, casting shadows over the minimalist décor with its inset bookcase alcoves. The white panelled flooring was unscathed and the pale blue walls clashed with the black furniture. Definitely not the kind of arrangement she had expected from a line of high class thugs.

“I see your hormones are tugging at you again, Paige.” He chuckled to himself, pressing back against the cushions of the chair with a groan of relaxation.

Paige strode into the room, her eyes becoming sharp once more as she zoned in on the man, Henry Heracio. His tie had been loosened, along with his top few shirt buttons and his dress shoes lay discarded beside the chair. Her cheeks were a red that had never been present before; a guilt red.
“You never told me he had a kid.” She snapped.

“You never asked,” Henry replied smoothly, opening his eyes now and looking at her with a slight smile. “It’s never bothered you before.”
“That’s because the kids were always out the way. You got me after him on the school run!” Her voice rose as she became exasperated, the colour in her cheeks rising with it.

Henry’s smile stopped at this, his eyes becoming colder than the snow that was beginning to land on his window sill. He stood and straightened his tie, clearing his throat as he bent to pick up his shoes. Paige was tensed, ready for some sort of retaliation blow.

“I hope you’re not backing out Paige. I’d hate to lose you.” He fixed her gaze to hers and took her hand, squeezing it affectionately, but going a little further so that Paige could feel the bones crackling together. She grimaced.

“Dinner is at five. Perhaps then you could share your concerns with the rest of the boys, yes?” He kissed her cheek and released her hand, walking from the room with relaxed ease.

-

“Paige? Hey, you okay?” A hand shook her shoulder and Paige started, removing her hands fro her eyes as she blinked dazedly to the hand, which belonged to Phillip.

“Huh?”

“Look, go home. You’ve been all over the place for the whole day, and I’m sick of looking at you moping around.” He held her coat out to her.

“Oh. Alright,” she replied mistily, standing and draping her coat around her shoulders.

“You can take that proofreading home to finish.” He remarked, walking back to his office.

Great, she thought.
Newton Faulker;
I see you as a mountain, a fountain of God
I see you as a descant soul in the setting sun
You as the sound of desire, of this love
I’m gone
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 168
Sun May 04, 2008 6:45 pm
scasha says...



MischiefMaker wrote:Been a while since the last part of my chapter. Sorry about that. Check out the rest of them, and all critiques are welcome! Enjoy.

-

The Heracia’s are back in town.


I’m not doing this anymore.” She stated in her cool voice which was suddenly beginning to seem a lot gentler than usual.
-- try not to tell the readers that her voice is gentler. Find another way to say that or just take out from which to usual.
She stood in the doorway of the lounge, her eyes dull as she pressed her lips together slightly.
-- i think dull shouldn't be used here, doesn't add anything


“I see your hormones are tugging at you again, Paige.” He chuckled to himself, pressing back against the cushions of the chair with a groan of relaxation.
-- i though he was sleeping...

His tie had been loosened, along with his top few shirt buttons and his dress shoes lay discarded beside the chair. Her cheeks were a red that had never been present before; a guilt red.
-- she felt a flush creeping up her neck is a better way to put it.

““That’s because the kids were always out the way. You got me after him on the school run!” Her voice rose as she became exasperated, the colour in her cheeks rising with it.
take out the as she became exasperated part

Henry’s smile stopped at this, his eyes becoming colder than the snow that was beginning to land on his window sill.
-- as much as I like analogies I don't think this one works so just say his eyes hardening.

Paige was tensed, ready for some sort of retaliation blow.
-- Paige tensed, ready...

“I hope you’re not backing out Paige. I’d hate to lose you.” He fixed her gaze to hers and took her hand, squeezing it affectionately, but going a little further so that Paige could feel the bones crackling together. She grimaced.
-- "he fixed his gaze with his blue eyes and took her hand, squeezing it. It was more than an affectionate grip as Paige felt her bones crackling together.


“Oh. Alright,” she replied mistily, standing and draping her coat around her shoulders.
-- i don't think mistily is a good word. maybe instead say wearily


Other than those suggestions great job! I love this story! I'm going to go back and read the other chapters. Keep up the good work!
  








What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god -- the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals!
— William Shakespeare