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Chapter 1 - The Threat



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Thu Apr 24, 2008 1:02 am
krazykoreandevil says...



OK THNX! EDITED VERSION: zomg..i edited it, but my cp froze and it somehow got delted... weird... well here it is....

URN slowly opened his eyes, and groaned as he slowly rose to his feet. He grimaced, and prepared himself for another attack. His tired, weak arms tried to form a defensive stance, but his attacker easily tore through it, and landed another hard blow into his gut. Urn went flying across the dark room, sliding on the smooth surface.

“My, my Urn, you’re out of practice. You’ll never be a great warrior at this rate. You’re too weak.” The man laughed, and slowly walked towards Urn, each stride echoing inside the room. He stopped close near Urn’s body, and slowly drew his sword.

Urn, struggled to get up, but agony shot up his arm and he stopped. “Wh-Who are you?” he asked.

The man smiled an almost toothless grin. “Oh, you don’t remember? That's a pity.”

Urn could feel the shift of weight from his position, and his senses quickly came back into a full circle. He rolled to the left, hitting the wall hard, but avoiding the death blow. The man snarled, and bounded over to Urn, holding his sword high above his head, with both hands, smiling.

Urn merely laughed, as he jumped to his feet, and pulled a small dirk from his sleeves, and pointed it has the man ran into him. Urn didn't even have to thrust his weapon, as the man’s momentum threw him in full force into the dagger. The dirk easily passed through his neck, with the point sticking out of spine. The man fear fogged the man’s eyes and he gurgled, and slowly fell backwards. The body shook into a spasm shortly before it lay still.

Urn quickly took the sword from the man’s dead hands, and inspected it. It was a simple steel blade, a simple steel hilt and a 34 inch blade. It was not the best weapon, but it would do for now.

Then he inspected the body. He did not know the man, but his dark skin and eyes signified him as one of the Ekkans. He thought about what the man had said. Oh, you don’t remember? That’s a pity.
What did he mean, he thought, I don’t even know this man.

He shuddered and left the dark room. The afternoon sky hit him… as well as the screams and cries of battle. All around him, crimson corpses littered the floor. Shock took a hold of Urn as men in dark red uniforms charged throughout the black streets, killing any who dared to stand in their way. A few men in orange uniforms, signifying them as the Baron’s Army, fought to stand their ground, but it was not to be. The untrained men were no match for the invading army’s swordsmanship.

All around him, the shops, buildings, homes, and everything else was burned to the ground. Tears threatened to break down his face as he watched the scene of chaos. He had to get out of here, to clear his mind, to find out what was happening! Slowly, he started to walk, which turned to a jog, which finally turned to a sprint. He ran faster, pushing his legs to the limit, and the burning buildings around him went by faster than he could imagine. The skirmishing men paid no attention to him, too consumed in their own fights.

Urn continued on, ducking and weaving throughout the streets until he came to a deserted street, where only the dead lay, with swords held uselessly in limp hands. He heard movement, and at the edge of the street, a small group of the Baron’s forces were surrounding and escorting a group of frightened civilians, escaping in the secret passages that only the rich took. The rich had always left, bringing their gold with them, and leaving the poor to just die, as if they were no more than a mere tool. Urn shook the anger from his head and noticed a familiar face, a senior guard that he had befriended.

“Hey! HEY!” He called out. The guards slowly turned to face him. Some of the younger ones who were impetuous turned to face him, weapons at the ready, until Urn’s friend told them to stand down.

As Urn reached them, he asked them the question that was revolving in his mind for some time now, “What the hell is going on?!”

The guard shook his head and spoke, “We don’t know the full details, but it looks like Gorlan, you know him, the young aristocrat. His dad is the manager of the treasury and he was the next to take the job.”

Urn nodded as he remembered the man.

“Well anyways, it turns out he wasn’t happy about his position, so he decided to rebel… He started from the center of town, taking the Baronial Estate first, capturing Baron Ruford. The he sent his forces down to homes and town centers. Needless to say, he slaughtered us all. The little bastard took us by surprise.” The guard almost spat the last words.

Urn was shocked. He thought it could’ve been an invading force from the North, but a traitor? This had never even once crossed his mind. “So what now?” he asked.

“Well, my group is escorting as many people as we can out of the city into the sand ships at the docks. We have other groups doing the same, as we have other groups keeping Gorlan at bay. But it won’t last, there’s too many of them, and they’re superior to our soldiers. You should go to your home now, get your parents and brother and sister and bring them to the docks. You can use you’re sister’s communer ship. Now get to it!”

Urn nodded and headed off, dodging and weaved through the stone, wood carts, toppled bazaars, everything had been torn down had been brought down on the streets. He didn't understand. Why would Gorlan turn on his own people? And why would he decimate the entire city? Each Ekka was proud of the city they resided in, and proud of the Yosu-Turtle that was underneath it. The Turtles were used as “land” because the sand in the Ekka region would cover anything, no matter how large, in seconds if it was not moving. Each Ekka owed its life to the turtle.

He ran and ran until finally, the building which had once been his home stood before him.

He entered through the doorway, where the door had been kicked open. Entering the house, he saw that numerous things had been toppled over and had crashed to the stone floor. Even now, Urn’s boots crunched over his mother’s favorite cooking bowls. An unbearable silence hung over the house.

They’re just hiding, Urn thought, Yes, that’s it! They’re just hiding…just…hi-. Urn’s train of thought was lost as he saw two corpses, laid on top of one another in the middle of the room. Even in the dim light, Urn could tell who they were. Mother and Father both lay dead, one onto of the other, with a sword protruding from father’s back. Father had tried to protect mother, but the attacker just skewered them both. Urn stood before them, in shock. Tears welled up in his eyes. He hated crying. He hated himself for being alive, while his family was killed off. He released his fury by screaming at his father. “I COULD HAVE PROTECTED YOU! AND SAVED MOTHER TOO!” He screamed. He fell on them, his arms around them, as he cried into his father’s blood stained shirt.

“U-Urn? Your alive!” Urn looked up to see his sister. His sadness had been relieved.

“K-Kosia! You’re alive! How did you-where is brother?!” Urn stammered out, trying to ask as many questions as possible.

She spoke, with sudden hate and contempt “Brother, our brother, Kuro, betrayed us. He killed mother and father, and helped Gorlan, telling him the where the militia held the weapons, and where defenses were weakest, and even worse, they have gotten to our guns.” She told him quietly.

Urn stood, not knowing what to do. He had looked up to Kuro; he was his best friend, mentor. Kuro was a strong warrior, with the blade, and was an expert sharpshooter. The guns they used had little accuracy, but put it into the hands of a trained expert, and they were deadly. Kuro led the 10 division militia, the group that recruits were put in. He probably had them killed off first. But to kill mother....father....No, Urn could not even fathom Kuro doing such a thing.

Kosia quickly walked across the destroyed room to Urn. “Listen, there isn’t much time. They will by no doubt double check all the homes. Here, take this,” she said to him, ripping off her pendant that was proudly hanging on her neck.
Urn stammered, “Your...your mage pendent? But this…”

Kosia shook her head “Escape to the ships Urn, take as many things you can with you. Go to the North lands, the people may look strange to you, they look different, but they are friendly. Go to the Grand City and ask for Ezuka, he will know what to do,” Kosia told him.

“What about you?” Urn cried out to her. She smiled-

“Urn, I'm a communer. They won’t kill me. They need me to speak with the Turtle. I don’t know what Gorlan is planning, but they will need the turtle to move among the sands, using it as a base. They need me.” She smiled to him.

“Good luck, Urn” she said.

Urn nodded, and ran out from the home, taking the secret route to the ships that his brother, Kuro, had told him

***

Gorlan looked at the burning city with satisfaction. He was inside the Baronial Estate, a tall spire that overlooked the entire city, and even the Turtle itself.

He slowly turned around to see the cowering baron, trying to hide amongst the rooms many riches.

“My, what a change, isn't it? You went from a powerful ruler, to a coward, trying to hide in your own plunder.” Gorlan sneered, slowly walking closer to him.

“N-NO! I can help you! I don’t know what you want, but I can help!” Ruford pleaded.

Gorlan laughed, and drew his ornate sword. It was very large, so large that Gorlan carried it on his back, and so heavy, that only he could wield such a tremendous blade. Its hilt was crossed shaped, with diamond in the middle, traveling all the way down to the pummel. The blade itself was dark steel, sharp, and sinister looking, as if the blade was possessed by some demon.

Gorlan laughed “Y'know, I have never really used this. Using this thing slows down my speed and makes my arms ache. And then my reflexes are slowed down. And that’s when my armor gets chipped and my shield dented and then my fortune is then blown away. And that’s a real waste, don’t you think?” He asked the Baron.

Ruford stammered, “Yes, wait N-No..” he trailed on, trying to get the “right” answer.

Gorlan walked towards him, backing the baron into the wall. He held up his sword with both hands, and pointed the blade to the man’s chest. “I will defeat the North,” He said proudly. “But first, I must kill you, and bring your head to the Tengu.” He smiled. “They have not forgotten what you have done to them, and with your death, I have gained their trust. With that, they will join forces with me, and we will dominate the northerners.” Gorlan told the Baron with excitement. “Too bad you will be dead. I'm sure you would love to see the Grand City in flames.” And with that, Gorlan thrust the sword into Ruford’s chest, and in a second, he pulled the sword from the dying man, and swung it into a full arch, cutting off Ruford’s head.
Last edited by krazykoreandevil on Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:47 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:54 am
mikedb1492 says...



Well, looks like you're new here, so your mistake is forgiven. You have to seperate the paragraphs by putting an extra space between them as shown below.

This is paragraph one.

This is paragraph two.

Got it? Do that and I'll give you a review, and I guarentee you that more people will do so as well. Looking at a giant block of text just isn't very inviting.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.
  





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Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:42 am
krazykoreandevil says...



OK! i delted and edited it...LOOK UP!
  





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Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:26 pm
deleted2 says...



[quote="krazykoreandevil"]
URN slowly opened his eyes, and groaned as he slowly rose to his feet. He grimaced, and prepared himself for another attack. His tired, weak arms tried to form a defensive stance, but his attacker easily tore through it, and landed another hard blow into his gut. Urn went flying across the dark room, sliding on the smooth surface. [quote="krazykoreandevil"]

“My, my Urn, you’re out of practice. You’ll never be a great warrior at this rate. You’re too weak.” The man laughed, and slowly walked towards Urn, each stride echoing inside (Change to : around the largely empty ? or something) room. He stopped close near Urn’s body, and slowly drew his sword.

[/i]There's TOO many slowly's

Urn, struggled to get up, but agony shot up his arm and he stopped. “Wh-Who are you?” he asked.

The man smiled an almost toothless grin. “Oh, you don’t remember? That's a pity.”

Urn could feel the shift of weight from his position, and his senses quickly came back into a full circle. He rolled to the left, hitting the wall hard, but avoiding the death blow. The man snarled, and bounded over to Urn, holding his sword high above his head, with both hands, smiling.

Urn merely laughed, as he jumped to his feet, and pulled a small dirk from his sleeves, and pointed it has the man ran into him.
Run on. Urn didn't even have to thrust his weapon, as the man’s momentum threw him in full force into the dagger. The dirk easily passed through his neck, with the point sticking out of spine. The man fear fogged the man’s eyes and he gurgled, and slowly fell backwards. The body shook into a spasm shortly before it lay still.

Urn quickly took the sword from the man’s dead hands, and inspected it. It was a simple steel blade, a simple steel[b] hilt and a 34 inch blade. It was not the best weapon, but it would do for now.

Repetition

Then he inspected the body. He did not know the man, but his dark skin and eyes signified him as one of the Ekkans. He thought about what the man had said. Oh, you don’t remember? That’s a pity.
What did he mean, he thought, I don’t even know this man.

quote]

It's overall good, but be careful with repetition, it makes stories mundane!!
Also make sure you don't use runon sentences too much, sometimes they work, but mostly they're annoying.

I like the story though, so keep it up.

Xxx Do
  





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Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:33 pm
deleted2 says...



Aw damn it!
The QUOTE feature didn't work out and I have no clue how i messed it up !
Sorry XD

XxxDo
  





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Mon Apr 28, 2008 10:06 pm
krazykoreandevil says...



wow, thanks. i wouldn't have noticed my repetition of those words. Thanks a lot! and if ya'll like this first one, i might put up the second chapter... which is shorter
  








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