Young Writers Society

Fear. Pain. Sorrow. Emotions that so often plagued Drake, he wasn’t quite sure which was which. They all seemed to meld together, slowly forming into a jet-black wolf. A wolf that Drake Donlec had been controlled by for as long as he could remember.

He tried as often as he could to be optimistic, but when you were enslaved to someone as evil, sadistic, and bloodthirsty as Rick Lucient, it was extremely difficult. If someone was screaming, dying, or in a state of excruciating pain, he was quite happy.

Drake often wondered if there had ever been anything good or even simply normal that the wolf had ever loved. It was hard to imagine, when you saw the wolf in person. His eyes, his claws, his smiles, his smirks, his fangs, the blood almost always caked or dripping from some part of him. And the worst part was, it was almost never his own.

Drake wandered around the room, it’s theme he’d always imagined as ‘Cold and Comfortable’. The black-marbled walls, ceilings, and floors matching the black leather couches and the black silk coverlet. Two huge windows stood on either side of the bed, the blue sky glittering tantalizingly from beyond.

Green eyes steely, Drake strode silently to the glass, a look of longing on his face as he stared down at some city or other.

It was hard to tell from so far up, but through the small breaks in the blindingly white clouds, he saw the long, crooked, jagged cuts through the land, the patches of green or brown, and not far off, the sapphire ocean.

He wondered what had happened to Sela. Kayo Johnson, the gold-and-white pelted fox, may have looked innocent, sweet, and kind, but he was just as cruel as Rick, only much better at hiding it.

Drake had healed many of the wounds and gashes that Kayo had inflicted upon Sela, but he could only heal the ones that were bodily.

He did not pretend to understand what kind of things Kayo made Sela see, what horrors he branded into her memory, and he only hoped that someday they would fade, just as her flesh wounds had.

Collapsing on the silky bed, Drake sighed heavily, his dark brown hair flopping out at odd angles.

He would never have said he hated the place he’d been forced to live in for almost ten years. No, hate wasn’t a strong enough word. As he remembered his family’s annihilation, his eyes stung, and his hands clenched, lips pulled into a straight line. It was so hard to mourn for people when the memories you had of them were so permanently erased.

Even so, when he thought of his family, of his parents…

His thoughts were abruptly cut off as a wolf came in (as any normal wolf would) on all fours, long claws making a rhythmic click-clack on the black marble. “Este ornek Lucietes uldhyt oknej.”

Drake bowed his head, and whispered back, “Odernte Lucietes outylst yantios.”

Two boys, about ten and twelve, stood together at the top of the huge slide, arguing over who was to go first.

“I’m older, I should get to go. You can go down after me, stupid head!” they began to shove each other, ignoring their mother’s shouts from below.

“Don’t call me that, you’re the idiot!” they kept grappling, both trying to get closer to the mouth of the tube slide.

“Let elders go first!” growled someone from behind.

Drake turned, ready to fight with whoever else wanted to take their turn before him, and froze, eyes wide.

“Go on boy, we don’t have all day!” the towering wolf snarled, and gripping the older boy by the collar, he tossed him roughly into the slide, ignoring his shouted complaints.

“So this is it, eh?” he glared disdainfully at the trembling child, as though he would rather have a pet dog.

“Well, I suppose I should remind you to enjoy your last few years here,” he grunted, and then quickly added, “your mother is coming. Watch your back, idiot.”
Then he turned on his heel, reached the railing of the rickety platform, and leaped over, dropping like a stone.

The boy shrieked, sprinting to the wooden rail, and peered over, fearing what he would see below.

There was no sign of the wolf, only a tiny puff of black smoke that smelled of blood and… fear.

“M-mom!”

As his mother reached the top of the stairs, he ran to her, nearly sobbing with relief. “Oh Mom, did you see wolf guy jump off? He threw Cole down the slide!” his mother drew back slightly, confusion written in her face.

“A wolf what? Cole, honey, did you see any wolves up here?”

The older boy frowned as he also reached the platform, shaking his head.

“Nope.”

_________________________

What do you think? Read 'n review, quick, quick, quick!!

-Sela

This was much, much better. I'm actually quite surprised, you seem to have completely fixed the problem with pace that you were having before.

I liked Drake quite a bit more in this version; not only did he seem more real but he was also easier to sympathize with. The way you did his memory of his parents was perfect, it makes the reader curious at the same time as making Drakes pain seem more real.

The one technical element that was incorrect was your dialogial punctuation. I know that isn't a word and that if it were it would not be spelled that way. Anyway, here is an example of the repeated mistake..."“M-mom!” as his mother reached the top of the stairs, he ran to her," The 'as' needs to be the beginning of a new sentence. Go back and fix the other times you made this mistake. Besides that, you are, for the most part, okay. I'm definitely too tired to add anything else.

More.

Well, frank you vurry mooch. Yuss, me needies tuh fixeth thut. Otherwise, anyfing? I mean, well....
Yeah, you need to re-review my other two parts, now that I've edited them. Please?

-Sela

Hello again!

Grammar and First Impressions

Fear. Pain. Sorrow. Emotions that so often plagued Drake, he wasn’t quite sure which was which.

I haven't found your writing style to be quite like this: the one-word sentences. Fear, pain, sorrow -- emotions that so often plagued Drake, he wasn't quite sure which was which. I suggest this punctuation instead. ^^

He tried as often as he could to be optimistic, but when [s]you were[/s] one was enslaved to someone as evil, sadistic, and bloodthirsty as Rick Lucient, it was extremely difficult. If someone was screaming, dying, or in a state of excruciating pain, [s]he[/s] Rick was quite happy.

I suggest changing that to one was because it's a pet peeve of mine to single out the reader with you.

Drake often wondered if there had ever been anything good or even [s]simply[/s] normal that the wolf had ever loved. It was hard to imagine, [no comma] when you saw the wolf in person. His eyes, his claws, his smiles, his smirks, his fangs, the blood almost always caked or dripping from some part of him. And the worst part [s]was,[/s] [dash instead] it was almost never his own.

Underlined: This is probably just me, but I don't like the phrase almost never. How long is that? Almost never... it's usually not his own? It... tends to not be his own? Um.. I dunno, it's probably just me.

Drake wandered around the room, [s]it’s[/s] theme he’d always imagined as ‘Cold and Comfortable’. The [s]black-marbled[/s] black marble walls, ceilings, and floors [s]matching[/s] matched the black leather couches and the black silk coverlet. Two huge windows stood on either side of the bed, the blue sky glittering tantalizingly from beyond.

Underlined: Why is cold and comfortable capitalized and in quotes? I understand capitalized and italicized, but not the quotes.

Green eyes steely, Drake strode silently to the glass, a look of longing on his face as he stared down at some city or other.

Underlined: For lack of better words? This is the perfect point to describe the outside of wherever they are. Is it some magnificent kingdom? A huge forest? A graveyard? Are there people or no? etc. Doesn't have to be too descriptive 'cause you do that in the next paragraph, but some or other is very broad.

Drake had healed many of the wounds and gashes that Kayo had inflicted upon Sela, but he could only heal the ones that were bodily.

Underlined: This sounds awkward to me. Maybe ...but he could only heal the physical ones. Would that work better?

He did not pretend to understand what kind of things Kayo made Sela see, what horrors he branded into her memory, and he only hoped that someday they would fade, [no comma] just as her flesh wounds had.

“I’m older, I should get to go. You can go down after me, stupid head!” [s]they[/s] They began to shove each other, ignoring their mother’s shouts from below.

“Don’t call me that, [exclamation point instead] you’re the idiot!” [s]they[/s] They kept grappling, both trying to get closer to the mouth of the tube slide.

“Go on, boy, we don’t have all day!” the towering wolf snarled, and gripping the older boy by the collar, he tossed him roughly into the slide, ignoring his shouted complaints.

“So this is it, eh?” he glared disdainfully at the trembling child, [no comma] as though he would rather have a pet dog.

“Well, I suppose I should remind you to enjoy your last few years here,” he grunted, and then quickly added, “[s]your[/s] Your mother is coming. Watch your back, idiot.”

You started a new sentence. ^^

Then he turned on his heel, reached the railing of the rickety platform, and leaped over, dropping like a stone.

He did something, verbing and did somthing, verbing. You repeated the sentence structures and combined them with and, rather than giving variety in your sentences. He turned on his heel and reached for the railing of the rickety platform. With a huge leap, he dropped on the other side like a stone.

There was no sign of the wolf, [dash instead] only a tiny puff of black smoke that smelled of blood and… fear.

As his mother reached the top of the stairs, he ran to her, nearly sobbing with relief. “Oh, Mom, did you see wolf guy jump off? He threw Cole down the slide!” [s]his[/s] His mother drew back slightly, confusion written in her face.

Characters

I don't know what to make of Drake just like I didn't know much about Sela before. And, again, it feels like you forced information onto the reader about Kayo and Rick. I've predicted who the good/bad guys are way earlier -- don't get me wrong -- but I don't know who has the leadership qualities, who's more responsible, who's goofy, etc.

Plot

I still don't know where this is going. Basically all it's been telling me is that there are wolf- and fox-men out to get little children -- two specifically. I still don't know what their intentions are, or I don't even have a hint as to why those two are chosen. Just because they know the Ancient Language? The plot's been paused since the first part -- the teens were kidnapped. All they've been doing is info-dumping about Rick and Kayo -- and we haven't even met Kayo yet.

Overall

Those are my impressions on this part. Some questions I may have mentioned (like before) that may be answered soon -- that's good. You're doing your job. The readers are asking the right questions.

I'll continue forth, then! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!