Young Writers Society

Chapter One

“Who’s that guy sitting in the corner?”

“Why do you want to know?”

I didn’t reply.

“That’s Chester,” the girl’s answer was terse. “He’s a bit crazy.”

“Says who?” the girl sitting opposite of me spoke.

“Well, he is!” the girl said. “Have you seen those paintings?”

“So? You can’t assume a person’s crazy just because he did a couple of odd subjects.”

“Odd subjects? Couple?” her voice was flinty. “I think he’s done more than a couple, Lauren!”

Lauren only shrugged her slim shoulders, “Chester may have a wild imagination, but he’s not crazy.”

“Wait, wait…” I interrupted. Two pairs of brown eyes stared at me.

“What paintings?”

“He does these weird paintings of stuff,” the girl explained. “And it’s a bit…creepy.” She noticed the teacher staring at her and ducked over her paper again. She didn't seem that likeable at all.

Lauren glared at her, “Whatever.” She turned towards me, “His name is Chester Matheson,” she added.

“Chester Matheson,” I repeated the name and found that it fit the boy. He didn’t look exactly anorexic, but more emaciated—eaten. As I watched him work, I noticed how his dark russet hair fell in his blue eyes and masked his face. He unsettled me. Maybe it was because of the wide range of space everyone gave him. No one came near him in a two-seat radius. He looked almost…haunted. As if he had some dark secret that made him into the shadow he looked like today.

Suddenly, his eyes flicked up from his work, landing on me. I focused too quickly on my work, the heat of embarrassment burning my cheeks.

But I could still feel his gaze on me.


“So,” Lauren tugged out a sandwich from her brown lunch bag. “How long have you been here?”

“Couple of days,” I replied. “My mom moved us to get a better job at Microsoft. Someone recently gave her a promotion.”

Lauren nodded, smiling. She was by far the most quiet person I’d met today, the one person who didn’t pepper me with where they lived, how much money they had…

“Excuse me if I’m being snoopy,” Lauren brought me back to the lunch room. “But, I noticed you looking at Matheson in Art.”

The sheepish smile curving my lips was as clear as a “yes.”

“He’s a damn good artist,” Lauren noted, pausing to take a bite out of her sandwich. “Really shy, though. Almost like the Boo Radley of Mercer Island.”

“Mm,” was my reply, “what happened?”

“It’s a bit complicated to explain,” Lauren warned me. “So, let me collect my thoughts.” I had to wait only two minutes before she spoke:

“Chester was born here on Mercer Island. He was deaf from genetics and he was really outgoing, really nice and sweet. A bit crazy, yes, but everyone’s crazy these days. But two years ago, his father died and…” she paused again, licking her lips, “…that made his mother go a bit…senseless. She—she didn’t go senile, but my mom knows her and she said that Chester’s mom was a bit…lifeless,” she gave me a sad smile. “Chester was gifted with art from the start, but he’s been a bit alone. I haven’t seen his mom show up for a single art show…nothing.”

“Huh…” I glanced at Chester one more time. “Does anybody talk to him?”

“I’ve encouraged people to do that, but they always tell me that he’s creepy and…” Lauren shrugged, “…looking from their perspective, I kind of agree.”

My gaze darted to Chester only to find him watching me. I ducked my head, hissing at Lauren, “He’s staring at me!”

Lauren giggled, “Don’t freak out, Sarah. Smile at him.”

My head lifted only to see the back of Chester as he left the cafeteria.


After lunch was Earth Science. I entered the large, poster-lined room and went to the teacher’s desk. She nodded distractedly at my introduction and sent me to a table that was occupied by no other than…

Chester Matheson.

But of course, the other tables were full. And every face at it was a stranger’s face. I dropped beside Chester Matheson and waited.

“Okay, class,” the teacher spoke up in a couple of minutes. “We have a new student.” Her gaze landed on me. I hesitantly went up to the front and introduced myself, then sat down red-faced.

She handed out a lab project we were assigned to do in class. Together.
With our tablemates.

This should be fun, I thought as the worksheet was placed underneath my nose.

Some other kids came over and begun working with me, explaining what we were working on.

I was so engrossed in my work that I forgot that Chester was there. The reminder was one girl timidly asking him, "Do you know what we're talking about?"

I looked at him just in time to catch his nod. Then it was like that simple sentence, that gesture had stretched out time.

I was glad to collect my books and go out in the cold air. But on an impulse, I looked back just as I was walking outside.

He was looking at a piece of paper in dismay, then he looked at me and I almost quailed under the terror filling his eyes. He looked almost vunerable, so vunerable it was almost frightening. I had never seen a boy so old look so helpless.

Then his face smoothed out and he turned away from me.

That broke the spell his gaze had upon me and I hurriedly walked through the school to my next class.

holy dang. I GOT FIRST REPLY!!! W00T anyhows. it was interesting. and decently written, but Im wondering, have you read the book, Twilight?

too many similarities between the two. so if you havent, well, thats good, read it, and i think you'll see what i mean. but if you have, then it will look like youre copying, if you want examples of similarities, tell me, and i will give them, if not, then i either you already know what im talking about, or you dont care enough to check.

Mod edit: No swearing in critiques.

“Who said he was?” the girl sitting opposite me spoke.

Say 'opposite of me spoke'.

her voice was flinty.

Flinty? Never heard that one before. What's it mean?

And also, I’d noticed his eyes were blue.

That last part was a bit random, and doesn't fit well in my opinion. Get rid of it and say it above during your description of him.

After lunch was Earth Science. I entered the large, poster-lined room and went to the teacher’s desk.

Until now, I had no clue that this was a school. I actually thought they were in some kind of a freaky test place. You should have more descriptions towards the beginning to let us know where they are.

Thankfully, there was no mention of my staring at him in Art.

It wasn't until now that I realized that they were first in art and then lunch. You didn't give us any indication to this transition. I just thought she was pulling out a sandwich while they were drawing.

Overall this had good dialog but you didn't describe the surroundings enough for us to realize where they were. Like at the beginning, like I said earlier, I didn't notice the transition from Art class to Lunch, and I didn't even know they were in school. You have to describe those things better.
Also, the only character you described was Chester. For now, everyone else remains a blank face with very little separating them from other characters.
Another thing, this main character already knows the two girls at the beginning, right? So you can refer to them by name from the very beginning.

Alright, Overall decent job. You just need to polish it and then it will be great.

This is an interesting beginning. I like how it starts off with a conversation. It directs the my attention and gave me information without out-right telling. It also enticed my curiosity about Chester. The rest of it is, for the most part, well-written, too. I want to see what happens and what terrified Chester.

We're not given much information about the main character. I didn't even catch a name the first two times I looked over it.

deafwriter_19 wrote:“He’s a bit crazy.”

“Who said he was?” the girl sitting opposite me spoke.

I think "Says who?" would be more effective.

deafwriter_19 wrote:“Odd subjects?” her voice was flinty. “I think he’s done more than a couple, Lauren!”

This would be better if you add "Couple?" after "Odd subjects?", because the girl is commenting on how Lauren says it was only a couple.

deafwriter_19 wrote:“Chester Matheson,” I tried the name and found that it fit the boy.

"I tried the name" is a little redundant because you have her saying the name.

deafwriter_19 wrote:I haven’t seen his mom show up for one art show…nothing.”

"a single" instead of "one" may work better here.

As for this sounding a bit like Twilight, I agree. At least, on certain parts, such as them having to sit together in science class, and this part (specifically the "curtain of hair"):

deafwriter_19 wrote:Suddenly, his eyes flicked up from his work, landing on me. I focused too quickly on my work, the heat of embarrassment burning my cheeks. I could still feel his gaze on me. I shook my head and the blush faded a little as my hair created a curtain between me and Chester.

I think the main thing you could do to make this un-Twilight-y is to put them together in a different way. Perhaps a small group project in a different class with more than just them? As for the curtain of hair part, I think just a re-wording will do.

Hope this helps!

Chester Matheson. I quite like the name. And I like the way you describe him. Nothing stupid and cliche about it. It's also interesting looking at him from another's point of view, a good contrast from the prologue.

Ah, critiques can be tiresome, can't they? I'm awful at pointing at mistakes in writing that I like. An unpleasant necessity that I would do better not to avoid.

The previous review took care of technical mistakes, so let us focus on the story. With reference to the prologue it is apparent that Sarah will become friends with the mysterious, emaciated boy. A word I like. Or at least I think its apparent. I suppose I could be wrong. Anyway, I don't really like the girl much. I think, even in this short chapter, that you could make her much more intriguing and unique. Since she is so focused on Chester perhaps we could go a little deeper into her thoughts...what does she care about? What is it about Chester that attracts her? Of course she is curious about him, but what else might she wonder about when she looks at him? Can she see something in his eyes that other people simply aren't looking for?

Talk about what the other girls look like. Does Sarah like them? Is she annoyed by them? Does she get annoyed easily? Also, describe Sarah. Not just what she looks like but what she thinks of what she looks like. Something that is important in first person accounts. Does she like the way she looks, or does she hate it?

I have a certain aversion to highschools but that doesn't mean that can't be interesting or good bases for a story. All you need to do is go deeper into description. What does the school look like, feel like, seem like? How does she see it? Does she glance down at her desk and see someone has scraped a word that she doesn't understand on its possibly dirty surface? All these random details are important.

And now to the end. I see no problem with the end, only the way its described. I think if Sarah is better developed, like I suggested above, her feelings on the look in his eyes will mean more. I cannot suggest a better way to describe it, since I don't know Sarah well enough to know how she might be affected by his terror. And so the real solution to the ending is in the rest of the story. As soon as you have Sarah better developed you will know exactly how to write that last sentence.

I hope this helps and I very much like the idea. I can't wait to find out what happens to Chester and I can't wait to know Sarah well enough that I care what happens to her.

PM me if you have any comments on this critique. I wouldn't be surprised if I had misunderstood something that I need to be further educated on.

I liked the vocabulary you used in this!(I like it when people use intelligent vocab.)
This was a good start and I disagree with 'God'. It doesn't sound like Twilight, really except for the lab partners and lunch. Those were the only similarities unless you decide to make Chester into a vampire, then we have a problem...
I liked this a lot and I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing.

~Rachael

This is great! Anything that i see that's wrong with this is already pointed out by the others. Keep up the good work!

I think you have a great start here except I have read Twilight and there are a few similarities. Maybe if you add a little bit more to this, everyone will be able to differentiate the two. Keep writing!! Good luck!!

Okay, for all you guys who are saying that this is similar to Twilight. I read the book and I must agree that there are...similarities. But let me inform you of a quote that is very useful in the writing world:

"Good writers borrow, great writers steal."

And I am stealing from Stephenie Meyer. Okay, problem settled.

I want to let people know of another inspiration that might pop up soon. Click on this link:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/rogue_pic ... return/hd/

If you can't click, then type it in the address bar. If you can't access the video, then read the syponsis on IMDb.

Thanks for all your criticism. It is much appreciated.

DW aka Ross

Nice work .

The others have said pretty much everything I wanted to say. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

Hello again.

To save space, pages one and two are in the first column, three and four in the next.




Highlighted Comments

1. This really bothers me. I loved the opening, shooting dialogue back and forth. Maybe just ‘I just want to?’
2. That doesn’t make sense. Maybe ‘Says everyone!’
3. Subjects? Maybe ‘paintings’ or ‘…he painted a couple of odd paintings.’
4. Show us where they are earlier, and show how they’re careful not to be caught sooner. Right now I had no idea where they were, and they didn’t seem to be trying to keep their voices down.
5. This doesn’t work well enough on its own. Set it up first – does she try to put him out of her mind or something?
6. Past tense, remember?
7. I really hate ellipses like this – any better way to end it?
8. ‘Kay, I’m getting sick of correcting this. You are not describing how she said it, so the quote ends in a period. If you said ‘Lauren said, bringing me back to the lunch room,’ then you’d need a comma.
9. I wouldn’t use quotes here…
10. Why’s (s)he assume something has happened?
11. Who says this? At least her sound like the type of person to say something like this.
12. Only?
13. Really big ramble there. Can’t you have her interrupted, have ‘I’ ask questions, something?
14. Combine this, ditch the ellipses.
15. Who actually does this anymore?
16. This is too forced. Come on – can we say cliché? Spice it up a bit! Don’t sit her with him right away.
17. Why?
18. Huh?
19. I’d ditch this, since later you say he looks really vulnerable.
20. He wasn’t looking at her – he was looking at the paper.

Overall Comments

Maybe ask a mod to move the prologue. You can't get to it in the related topics, since it's under a different genre. Or at least link to it in your original post.

I’ve never actually read Twilight, so it has no reference to me. However, I think people need to stop obsessing over the books and realize that the same event can happen – and does happen – in many books. Just don’t actually copy it, and you’ll be fine.

As with your other stories, you need to slow down. Introduce your characters – make us feel for them. Don’t rush into romance, it needs a long time to evolve.

Also, at first I believed that the main character was a boy. Maybe slip her name in sooner?

And this is rather cliché. It’s a romance, so they have to sit together – right? No. There are many other ways to set up romance. Just take your time.

Details/emotions/descriptions are key.

Good luck, and PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

I strongly disagree with the quote you decided to use to defend your near copying of Stephanie Meyer's idea. Great writers create, they don't steal, they make up their own plot without needing someone else's idea to back it up.

Other than that, this was nicely written! I didn't care that there were similarities until you openly admitted that it was similar and that you were stealing her ideas, of a sort.

PM me if you have any questions.

Wow, okay I know this is short, but wow! This is really good and has me wanting more! You're really good at writing unlike myself. I'm still just an ameture (spelling error, I know.) I can't wait to read more!

Wow, that was amazing. It has me hungry for more! I think amazing how you have the connection between Chester and Sarah. It makes me wonder if there is going to be some sort of an affair between them or not. If so, I think it would be really cool. It just screams out to me that they sould be together. And I'm almost sure my friend would agree if she read this. I'll have to suggest it to her.

Signed Always,
Heart of Broken Glass